On losing a sub

On losing a sub

NatGoddess • May 3, 2024

Around a month ago I lost a sub I had had for the last 7 years.
We had a beautiful relationship but he decided to leave for issues he was starting to have with himself.
I fully respect his decision, but I'm beyond heartbroken to lose him, not as a sub, but as a human being in my life, as he doesn't want to ever know from me again because we shared too much together.
How do you handle losing them?

AlphaRomeo​(switch male) • May 3, 2024

I know how you feel. It can be very painful to loose someone in a relationship. Even more so when they don't want to talk to you anymore.

I've been in dynamics with partners where I've thought the world of them and wanted nothing more than our dynamic to last forever.

But unfortunately things don't always work out like that.

There's not really a crystal clear or obvious way to grieve and handle a loss like that. We all have different ways we grieve and move on.

My best recommendation would be some self reflection and taking some time to yourself. Give yourself the self care you need. But make sure not to fall into a spiral of neverending grief.

Steellover​(sub male) • May 4, 2024

I am sorry for your loss. I can't say that "I know how you feel" because I have never experienced a heartbreak after seven years like that. And it's only empty words anyway. I can only imagine the joys you must have shared together, the intimacy, and the chemistry, and how the sorrow and loss must feel. I would only offer that you are a wonderful, caring and nurturing person and I would not blame yourself at all. Maybe he simply had to grow and work through his issues by himself.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • May 4, 2024

My heart goes out to you. I've now done the same thing twice (I am/was poly) and I havent found anyway to lighten the feelings. I hope you do. I found keeping busy helps but doesn't really heal the loss. I think with time it does ease.

Miki • May 5, 2024

That's unfortunate. Sorry to read that...

I cannot speak from personal experience as it's simply impossible for me to even begin to consider, let alone function in a relationship other than "just friends" but these things do happen in a fair number of relationships-- even "best friends"-- one grows apart from the arrangement and departs.
I'm sorry the dude flew the coop and won't even communicate with you but apparently he felt a clean and total break was in the long-term best interests of both.

As for "getting over it"--again I never had to deal with emo things like this but the above advice works-- over time---. Keep busy, don't blame yourself and above all stay out of "the next time around" for period of time. (there's no magic number, but you'll know)

Always remember: Rebound blows.

SubRobb​(sub male) • May 5, 2024

That really sounds awful! I'm so sorry...

It sounds like he's really got some issues. I guess you have to let him be him. Outside of a dynamic we cant control others, unfortunately. lol It seems really shitty of him to not at least be cordial and friendly towards you. Pretty damned disrespectful too. Considering how close you were and what you shared together. That's why I say hes got some demons in him to freak out and hurt you like this.
Again I'm very sorry for your loss, and the shabby treatment too. You'll find someone new and be happy again. : )

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • May 5, 2024

For a while now, I have lived an atypical lifestyle that, for a variety of reasons, is difficult for most of my partners to maintain. Despite this, I have had (and continue to have) a fairly constant stream of connections and relationships because I am a desirable partner who invests heavily in those for whom I care. Even though I also have a smaller number of partners with whom I have found the algorithm necessary to maintain healthy, long-term relationships, the unfortunate reality of this is that I experience a lot of amicable, but inevitable, loss.

I have learned that part of living life is realizing that you will likely outlast the elements that provide pleasure and fulfillment.

We will all mourn at some point, in our own ways, for the losses we will endure; but I personally have found that my occasional sadness is lightened when I qualify my relationships not by what I have lost, but by what I was lucky enough to have had for the time I had it. Every moment, every experience is a gift from whatever illogical system controls what happens to and around us.

Mourning hurts. Loss hurts. However, it may be some small comfort to understand that this pain is a clear sign that you were lucky enough to have had something that meant enough to you that you feel the pain of that loss.

At least, that is how I deal with it.

Best of luck to you.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • May 7, 2024

"he doesn't want to ever know from me again because we shared too much together."
That's code for he wasn't as invested as you were and doesn't want others to find out about you. Be grateful he left ..

Grief is a stranger

ulfheart​(dom male) • May 8, 2024

Grief is a stranger.
It will never be a friend.
It does not care what you want to do today, tomorrow or any other day.
It will wreck any plans that you make.
It will be a constant reminder of why you shouldn’t be happy or even content.
It will push even your best friend away.
It will make you dodge phone calls from your family.
It will ruin a day that has been full of adventure and good times.

The only good thing about grief is at one point you have the power to control it.
You have the power to say “Not Today”
You have the power to take unpleasant memories and say I do not live there anymore.
When you reach that point Grief no longer has any control.

Sir Don​(dom male){InTalksWS} • May 16, 2024

I can understand why you feel the way you do.
Just as with anyone who has/ is a part of your life and you lose them . There will be a grieving period and there is no set time for the process to go by. It is the time for you reflect , internal self reflection. Adjust your feelings and move on. This takes time that only you can process.

Sorry for your loss and may you have peace and light