A Sub's Musings

Are fear and trust mutually exclusive? I don’t believe so. If my Dom asks me if I’m afraid of him, my answer is always. If he asks me separately or in the same sense if I trust him the answer is the same. Always. Why do I fear him? I fear him because if he chose to disregard my safety word he could do me real damage. Emotionally or physically. He pushes my boundaries but so far hasn’t crossed them. That doesn’t mean that he couldn’t if he felt so inclined. That is where the trust comes in. I know that if a safe word is used play is stopped. I have never not used my safety net because of fear of disappointmening him. If it is to much I speak. Will I let him push my boundaries? Of course. Has he ever disregarded my limits? Never. I trust him to keep my well being first. I fear him because I know he could disregard them in an instance and leave me a broken. I trust my Dom. He will stop in a middle of a scene to ask where I am. I fear him in the same instance because after the reassurance that I’m okay he discloses that he wants to hurt me. I tremble in anticipation. I’m a masochist. I freely admit it and when he is cruel I adore it. But in his cruelty he has to ability to hurt me. I trust him but, like the wolf he is, I recognize that he is not tamed and to turn my back on him would be a mistake. I fear him and I trust him and without both I know I would not be as satisfied in our relationship as I am.

There is a term that I am unfortunately very familiar with. That term is geographically separated. With my first husband it happened a lot. He was active duty military. We were geographically separated for basic, AIT, and three tours of Iraq (the tours added up to 3 1/2 years). Now on my second marriage I am finding myself separated in this way again. I was in a toxic environment and so were my kids. We left and went to stay with family. My husband and Master stayed behind to take care of some things. Well its been nine weeks now and this separation is harder than all the others i have faced. We should be reunited in two weeks but that seems like eons. I am struggling with the inability to serve him. I didn’t think this would be so hard for me. I guess I truly am his sub. I miss every aspect of our relationship. The physical closeness, the intimacy, the talks, heck even just going to the grocery store together. Cooking him dinner, washing his clothes, cleaning our house. I miss it all. I am blessed to be with my loving family but if he asked me to come back to where he is I would go in a heartbeat. I am also blessed that I have found my Dom. The one person whom a love above all others. The one I fell fulfilled with. The one who has freed me by accepting my submission to him. The one who loves me, cherishes me and shows me so often that I never doubt it. There are 100+ Dons out there. I am just lucky enough to find the one that fits me best. He knows when to be gentle and when not to be. He has enriched my life. This is my ode to him. I can’t express how integral my happiness have become intangled in him. I’m not saying my happiness is dependent on him just I am happy with him than with out. So to my husband, Master and Dom thank you. You have made me very happy and I just hope that others find that match that makes them feel completed.

Tears are therapeutic. There is a movie I watch whenever I feel I need tears and no matter how “strong” I feel there is one part in that movie where I break down. It’s my sympathy for the characters that makes the tears flow.

Tears also come with every single time I make love. The depth of that emotion brings them forth. There is no negative feelings attached to those tears. They flow freely, gratefully while I repeat over and over , “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

Tears flow during most sessions. My Master gets me to subspace and I’m delirious in my feelings and the tears fall. They are silent and again not negative. It is just part of my experience.

These examples above are my positive tears. I do not deny that tears fall for other reasons. Sadness, hurt, anger, frustration, self loathing. I see those tears as crying, sobbing, grieving. I do not enjoy crying but I wouldn’t trade my tears for anything.

I am blessed by my Master. I love him with my entire being. I know he loves me as well. He pushes my limits but never breaks me. Her cares for me and wants what's best for me. He will hold off on fulfilling my desires, not to punish me, but to make my fulfillment much more intense. I'm not perfect. I do disobey and am punished but one of the worst punishments he can give me is not being allowed to touch him. He has acquired a new sub. She is wonderful to my Master. He has fallen for her but I know his feelings for her in no way diminishes his feelings for me. Again I am content. He is my Master but so much more. The emotions and sensations he provides me with… I have no words. I am blessed with a Master who loves me and knows exactly what I need without me ever having to say a word.

So I've been thinking about my Dom. He's been growing more into his role. Its exciting. He's more sure of himself, more in command and control and I'm finding myself more willing to submit because of it. When he tells me to get up, what to wear, how we'll be spending our day my heart speeds up. When I'm doing as I'm told and he comes up, kisses me and tells me I'm a good girl I'm ecstatic. When my tongue gets away from me in conversation and he tells me I'll pay for it later I'm nearly shaking with anticipation.
I've never felt so fufilled until I started submitting fully to my Dom. I haven't been this happy in a long time. I can't wait to see where he takes me as we continue this journey together.

I'm just curious. Why do men I interacted with immediately assume I'm a slut when they discover I'm bisexual woman? Does bisexual translate into sleep with anything and everything every chance I get? Is that what they hear?
Let me clear something up for these misinformed men, (a use men because women have never assumed this of me) I'm not a nympho. All bisexual means is liking men and women. I even have been told I'm not bisexual because I'm in a relationship with a man but won't agree to see other men.
My Dom is wonderful. When we seek another women to play with there is always the understanding we are a package deal.

So to those who think I'm a slut just know I am. But I am only my Master's slut. No one else's.

As I lie here in bed, next to my Master, I can't seem to quiet my mind. Master has embraced his role as a Don in a more present way and it excites me. Song lyrics run through my mind.
"Use Me" by Garbage

"Use me I'm beautiful.
Take me I'm yours"

"You're arms look so powerful
As they hold me down."

Or

"Homegrown" bu Otep

"I miss you when you're timid."

"I crave the pain
I'm do ashamed
But I love the stimulation."

"He hurts me cause he cares."

These words resonate within me. I'm his. No one else's. He's strong and powerful. When he's timid I get confused although it's been long time since he's been timid. I crave pain and there is a level of shame with that. That is until he gathers me in his arms and tells me what a good girl I am. Then I'm all smiley. He hurts me because he cares. When he bites, pinches, wrists my nipples I get wet. When he grabs my hair a directs my motions I'm excited. When he puts his hand on my neck, not choking, as a small reminder of his presence my breath quickens.

I look him in the eyes when we play. He wants that. He likes to see the love, trust, submission, and fear that I have in my eyes. The love because he has been my partner and match for 8 years. Submission because I will do anything to please him. And fear because I know he could hurt me if he truly wanted to.

I can scream, cry, beg, plead, but unless the safe word is used the play continues. He loves to ask me if it hurts, which it sometimes does, I'll tell him yes and he says good. Mixed in that pain is pleasure. He trust me to let him know when it's too much pain and not enough pleasure.

And oh our toys. A St. Andrew's Cross, clamps, a flogger, whips, canes, restraints, collars, candles, dildos, vibrators. I love to be strapped to that cross, blind folded and have these tools used on me I'm in heaven. Then to be taken down and laid on a bed, placed on a bench, or anywhere he wants me. Then he uses my body for his pleasure, none of my own without permission.

Then, spent, is the aftercare. He holds me, tells me I'm a good girl, kisses me gently on the forehead. He makes me drink water and feeds me fresh fruit. He keeps my shuddering, nerve ends screaming and vulnerable being is he protective embrace. I eventually fall asleep in his arms.

I love my Master and all he does to and for me. And these thoughts are what have been running through my head while I'm trying to fall asleep.