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Messy thoughts

My brain jumps from one thing to another, I wouldn’t bother trying to keep up
1 month ago. August 24, 2022 at 9:25 PM

Do NOT watch scary films before bed. Why do we like to torture ourselves. What did I do to deserve such a fucked up mind. Why did I want to make my sleep even worse. Madness 🙃🤣

1 month ago. August 24, 2022 at 8:04 AM

Big steps forward yesterday. Didn’t think I could do it, and that wasn’t just because of the hangover. 

I was dreading the day, but my house is now spotless; house inspection complete. 

I went from unemployed to now having to turn jobs down. I think I have decided which offer to accept. Though it’s a little daunting. 

Finally, I have managed to get myself back on the road, no more isolation. 

Not sure what I feel happiest about, but as good as it is, I feel strangely uncomfortable about today. What do I stress about now? Uneasy. 

1 month ago. August 21, 2022 at 7:52 PM

1 month ago. August 16, 2022 at 9:43 AM

Started getting out of the house again. Going to start with some walks and build back up to my running. Only completed a few so far but feeling better about life already.
Just gotta throw myself out the door 

Once I’ve finished, cold shower, straight into new loungewear bought yesterday. Why are new socks the best thing in the world 

1 month ago. August 15, 2022 at 12:43 PM

Hair strokes. 
Bum rubs. 

1 month ago. August 4, 2022 at 9:52 AM

5.45am - it was still too hot for me to be comfortable in my skin. I hate the heat and humidity, I thought I lived in England, I want rain and misery, please and thank you. My morning coffee and smoke didn’t release any tension, neither did round two or three. I’ve started throwing away all my belongings in the hope that it will tidy my mind. It hasn’t. Now I just have random gaps where things used to be. 

1 month ago. August 2, 2022 at 9:59 AM

I’m going to tell myself, time out is important. Taking some time for self consideration, yes I might be dwelling, but maybe that is important to some extent as well. 
I know I am where I am supposed to be, as we always are (that I do, truly, believe). 

I have coffee and I have my blankie, what more do I need? 

1 month ago. August 1, 2022 at 8:57 AM

I know you cannot find luck without misfortune. And I know we must focus on the future rather than the past in order to succeed. 
But I do not know what on earth I’m going to do now, a spanner has been thrown in the works, shall we say. Anyone that knows me, knows I get over stimulated far too quickly. Sporadically. However, there may be others that also know, I equally suffer when life goes the other way; no stimulation leads me to drown in whatever silence my life currently is. 
Having no purpose leads me straight back to destruction. Always has, always will. It’s not a good personality trait, I am aware. 
I was once asked by a fellow Sub (very bratty, immature young girl, but Sub none the less) why I choose to do as I’m told in a dynamic. I laughed, well I don’t really know. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because I like being well behaved, it makes me happy. She responded with ‘well I don’t have to do what he says to be good, I can be good naturally, by myself’ … and I suppose that is the difference. I will not be good by myself, naturally or without influence. I will become destructive, and that is what I am most worried about now, all my purpose has been removed. 
No Dom, no job, no distractions. Chaos. 

2 months ago. July 20, 2022 at 11:50 AM

Silence is so loud sometimes. Especially when you’ve become used to noise. My house is so empty and quiet. I hate days off (nearly as much as I hate being at work!) 

2 months ago. July 18, 2022 at 9:41 AM

If you’ve got friends in the UK, check in on them. They’re probably melting into a puddle right now, and not in a nice way. 
We’re not used to these temperatures!