10 months ago. November 18, 2022 at 8:18 AM
Today I am grateful for the place I call home.
The above was a gratitude prompt that I came across today and it got me thinking about all the places that I have considered to be “home”
As a child I attended a residential school due to my sight impairment. I spent 10 years there and even though it was problematic at times and I was very homesick for my family and home; over the years that place became home too.
On cold dark evenings, or in the night when the wind would be howling or the rain lashing down, those dormitories though large and somewhat impersonal - felt snug and safe. Home.
The joy of school holiday time when I was at my actual home is indescribable. To be back with family in my own bed with my own toys etc was the most contented feeling in the world.
However, in both homes I did not always feel that I truly belonged. At school I was one of many and because I spent so long there, I felt out of touch with my own family and all of the family comings and goings.
The first time I felt truly at home was the first time I had a house to myself…along with my very young child. As the only adult though, it truly felt like my own little castle. My child and I had a cozy routine and I felt contented and safe - able to shut my front door on the world.
I am so lucky. I have discovered a fourth home. The home within myself.
I felt this a short time ago when I rediscovered the joy of submission. I have struggled with the concept of submissiveness for a long time and was beginning to feel that it would be lost on me and that I was far too controlling to ever be able to truly surrender. A recent breakdown of a D/s dynamic had allowed me to buy into this fact.
Through practising meditation and studying psychology and undertaking therapy. It appears that surrendering is the key to making real positive change in your life.
Accepting what is and letting things be, is so liberating that I cannot believe how I thought submissiveness was weakness. Letting go of speculation, negative assumptions and constant battle to control my surroundings has opened my mind and heart to so much more.
I got a glimpse of my new submissive “home” a few days ago. My very close friend who had also been my Dom and I spent an evening together. Though we haven’t been in a formal dynamic for several months we mutually decided to do some sub-play. And…wow! If I thought subspace had been good before, when I was having struggles and doubts; it was nothing compared to what I experienced this time.
I was so much more relaxed and open to surrendering. Thanks to my meditation practice I was able to easily be “in the moment”. Not speculating. No expectations. No feeling discomfort in being vulnerable. Just mindfully enjoying the company of someone I care about very deeply and I know, cares about me.
A wave of submissiveness came over me almost like a rush. A tidal wave of sheer happiness and contentment and love. It swept everything away. It was my very own warm, comforting, safe little nook where everything ceased to exist apart from each moment and I felt at one with my partner and at one with myself.
To have that chance to find that special place is a gift. A gift, that a few months ago, I thought I did not deserve. Now, this new home is mine and I’m not going to give it up for anything.
It is my home…and it is where my heart is.
With Love x