I received a note today
Today, this day of love
Colours of pink, red and hearts galore
What I read inside…made my heart soar!
YOU are beautiful
YOU are kind
YOU are loved before all others
YOU are precious and unique
YOU are not alone YOU will always have me
Be happy,,,YOU are free!
I read those words
They made me cry
I didn’t know…I wondered why
Then I realised, through tears of glee
Those words of love were sent by
ME!
As part of my kink adventures; I’ve always enjoyed being restrained. However, despite this enjoyment and the release though subspace it gave me; I would often find myself fidgeting and the enforced stillness would give my mind the opportunity to run riot if I let it.
This was before I discovered meditation…
I recently had the opportunity to be restrained with some tape - a new experience. Usually its handcuffs or bed restraints. My ankles were bound together as were my wrists and tape across my mouth plus the added bonus of a blindfold. I was in a sitting position and I was left for 90 minutes while my Dom went about he usual business around the house.
The experience was phenomenal.
Thanks to my ongoing journey where I practise mindfulness and meditation; learning that surrendering is an important part of letting go and being happy. I was able to relax and truly immerse myself into the experience. I did not have to think about staying still and quiet as it came so much more naturally than it ever had before. I felt no aches from being in the same spot for so long, just enjoyable sensations of being out of control and the giving up of power to my Dom.
I fully and completely “checked in” to subspace for what I believe is the first time, so much so, that the 90 minutes seemed more like 30!
I was in such a blissful, contented place and I look forward to going there again.
With Love x
Let the nights stay long and dark,
they will get shorter in time.
Let the days stay short and dull,
they will get longer and brighter in time.
Let the air be damp and chill,
it will warm up in time.
Let January drag on with its 31 days,
February will be here in time.
Let the new year be new,
it will be old in time.
Enjoy the here and now,
it will be gone in time.
Here we are once again in December.
For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere it is the darkest time of the year. For all of us it can be a very difficult month with various festivities that can make us feel stressed and overwhelmed.
I have always had a complicated relationship with this time of year. While it can be so beautiful to see late afternoon streets glowing with coloured lights and first frosts in the mornings that are crisp and refreshing; I am not a lover of the dark or the winter. My mood is very much taken down by the lack of natural light and sunlight.
Christmas also brings its share of love/hate responses. Family entanglements, high expectations and the feeling that one must be joyful, all play into a very emotional time for me.
This year I have been doing a lot of work on myself - finding my authenticity and learning to surrender and live in the moment without regret or speculation. Trying to be the best me.
December will be a challenge as memories start to vie for my attention and bring me down to depths of cynicism where there is no room for joy.
As today is the 1st I make a pledge to myself to go into the month with equanimity and grace. Enjoy the little things and stay focused on the now. I refuse to put pressures on myself by fretting over the perfect Christmas Dinner or who I will be seeing or not seeing. I will be compassionate to myself, first and foremost and I will pay that compassion forward to others.
I am ending this year better than I started so I will not fall at the last hurdle.
With Love x
I sit on the floor
No expectations
Warm in your company
Content in mine
You stride across the room
Confident, assured, proud
Glancing at me as you pass
Am I worthy of you gaze?
You sit on your “throne”
Casual and at ease
Yet radiating a power
like a siren song I am drawn
“How would you like to come over?”
You say in a voice that already knows the answer
I crawl to the very lowest part of you
Your booted feet - beneath them I belong
On my front I lie offering my back as a rest
You raise one foot, using me as you will
The other is mine
And I am home
Today I am grateful for the place I call home.
The above was a gratitude prompt that I came across today and it got me thinking about all the places that I have considered to be “home”
As a child I attended a residential school due to my sight impairment. I spent 10 years there and even though it was problematic at times and I was very homesick for my family and home; over the years that place became home too.
On cold dark evenings, or in the night when the wind would be howling or the rain lashing down, those dormitories though large and somewhat impersonal - felt snug and safe. Home.
The joy of school holiday time when I was at my actual home is indescribable. To be back with family in my own bed with my own toys etc was the most contented feeling in the world.
However, in both homes I did not always feel that I truly belonged. At school I was one of many and because I spent so long there, I felt out of touch with my own family and all of the family comings and goings.
The first time I felt truly at home was the first time I had a house to myself…along with my very young child. As the only adult though, it truly felt like my own little castle. My child and I had a cozy routine and I felt contented and safe - able to shut my front door on the world.
I am so lucky. I have discovered a fourth home. The home within myself.
I felt this a short time ago when I rediscovered the joy of submission. I have struggled with the concept of submissiveness for a long time and was beginning to feel that it would be lost on me and that I was far too controlling to ever be able to truly surrender. A recent breakdown of a D/s dynamic had allowed me to buy into this fact.
Through practising meditation and studying psychology and undertaking therapy. It appears that surrendering is the key to making real positive change in your life.
Accepting what is and letting things be, is so liberating that I cannot believe how I thought submissiveness was weakness. Letting go of speculation, negative assumptions and constant battle to control my surroundings has opened my mind and heart to so much more.
I got a glimpse of my new submissive “home” a few days ago. My very close friend who had also been my Dom and I spent an evening together. Though we haven’t been in a formal dynamic for several months we mutually decided to do some sub-play. And…wow! If I thought subspace had been good before, when I was having struggles and doubts; it was nothing compared to what I experienced this time.
I was so much more relaxed and open to surrendering. Thanks to my meditation practice I was able to easily be “in the moment”. Not speculating. No expectations. No feeling discomfort in being vulnerable. Just mindfully enjoying the company of someone I care about very deeply and I know, cares about me.
A wave of submissiveness came over me almost like a rush. A tidal wave of sheer happiness and contentment and love. It swept everything away. It was my very own warm, comforting, safe little nook where everything ceased to exist apart from each moment and I felt at one with my partner and at one with myself.
To have that chance to find that special place is a gift. A gift, that a few months ago, I thought I did not deserve. Now, this new home is mine and I’m not going to give it up for anything.
It is my home…and it is where my heart is.
With Love x
I would like to share with you an experience I had a couple of months ago. This experience was so profound and unexpected that it changed me and my outlook completely.
My friend who was my former Dom, and is still by my side despite some horrendous adversity that I have put him through, asked whether I would like to experience some of his newly acquired massage skills.
Now, I have never been one for massages before. To me, spa treatments such as massage etc, have always felt like a punishment rather than pleasure. However, since I had started practicing meditation I felt that I would be able to relax and perhaps see it as a challenge to overcome my former fear of this technique.
Because of some complexities in our relationship we did not want wires getting crossed so I had on a thin vest and shorts. However, I did consent to being restrained on my front by both legs and wrists - a favourite of mine! As well as being blindfolded.
My friend started some light massage on my back and then left me alone while he played some favourite and meaningful songs through a speaker in the room. I felt very at ease even though I did not know when he would come back in.
When he came back, he continued to massage my back, neck and shoulders. Wow! It was amazing. I believe that with my new found meditation skills I was able to really be “in the now” and relax and go with it.
Even though he was not playing as my Dom at that moment, because of his sheer expertise and generosity of spirit in giving me this chance; I felt humbled and rather submissive.
As a submissive, one of my favourite things is to worship the boots of my Dom and while I did not do this I got to inhale one of them. Well, that completely opened the floodgates.
I would like to say that I cried…but this was more than crying. This was a howl so primal I do not know the depths from which it came. I did not fight it; I just let it happen…and it went on and on and on I thought I would never stop. It was so cathartic; purging me of all my anguish, past hurts and present woes. It truly was a turning point. All that sorrow that I had inside came flooding out until I felt hollow but strangely calm and ready to continue on my current journey.
The love and respect I have for my friend grew from that moment along with renewed awe for the Dominant inside of him. He gave me a gift that day that I will keep forever.
A season of diversity.
Mild, cold, wet, dry, windy, calm, sunny or dull.
Flowers tricked into staying open only to shatter at the first frost.
Grass that keeps growing but is too wet to cut.
Coats and jumpers in the morning, tee shirts by lunchtime.
Colourful leaves stand out against a leaden sky.
Bright oranges and yellows against a crisp blue on a sunny afternoon.
Misty mornings, foggy evenings, crows calling, spiderwebs glistening.
Dry crunchy leaves to kick and throw. Slippery, brown and rain soaked that cling to my shoe.
Clocks go back, lights on early. Halloween and Guy Fawkes too.
Poppies and remembering, giving thanks and festivals of lights.
So gloomy after the joys of summer but full of so much promise.
The blog I refer to in this post is external to this site.
It’s not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it.
Lena Horne
Lena Horne was an American entertainer and civil rights activist. I love this quote from her especially in reflecting on more recent events in my life; particularly in respect of my former D/s dynamic.
My former Dom used to set me tasks that were very creative and, I know, took a lot of thought. They were, at times, extremely challenging but were, ultimately, designed to help and teach me new skills and to take me out of my comfort zone. In fact, this blog came about as a result of one of those tasks.
When I was first tasked with doing this site I was very apprehensive and unsure and certainly had some challenges setting it up. The main challenge to me, however, was thinking that I had nothing to talk about or that people would think it was utter trash and boring.
The first month - back in May; I was given a 31 days of happiness challenge. At that time I felt that I had nothing happy to talk about. I was struggling to see happiness in anything and certainly not the mundane. For that reason I was resentful and resistant to start.
How different to now! Six months on; I have lots to talk about and though I have a long way to go; I am finding that there is joy and happiness to be found in the most unlikely of places.
The blog is one example of how attitude can really influence how you approach new challenges. It also gives a small glimpse into my mindset a few months back which ultimately led to the breakdown of the D/s relationship.
I used to whine and moan about feeling discomfort not wanting to show weakness or vulnerability by trying new things that I may or may not have been good at. I got into a vicious cycle of not wanting to follow instructions for fear of being made to look stupid, or not putting in effort because I might fail and be made to look even more stupid. Then feeling a failure anyway because not only had I let myself down but also my Dom, who only ever had my best interests in mind.
If only I had surrendered, lived in the moment and just “had a go” and seen the fun and positivity in the tasks…how differently things might have turned out.
As I think of some of those tasks now I feel eagerness and want to attempt them with new found vigour. So even though I am no longer in Service I am challenging myself to be out of my comfort zone and try new and scary things.
Looking forward and leaving the past behind is the scariest of all.
With Love x