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Submissive Shamblings

My thoughts and shmambolic thoughts on my journey as a ‘mature’ submissive.
2 months ago. June 8, 2022 at 9:52 AM

 

How do I stop overthinking when, most of the time, I am not aware that it is actually happening. I refer particularly to when I am in service to my Dom - but it happens during other aspects of my life too.

 


When I am in service to my Dom I just want to please him and do as I’m told. Sometimes, though, I start thinking about whether I am “performing” right or is my Dom tired and am I taking up too much of his time etc etc. while a lot of this is well intentioned, it is not my place to speculate or worry about anything apart from following instructions and giving him pleasure. Instead I start getting anxious and cautious and I lose my focus. In his wisdom, my Dom knows straight away when I have lost my “subspace” and I’m getting angst and self-doubt. 

 


In real life too, overthinking leads to second-guessing and self-doubt. I also lose my ability to make decisions and I ignore instinct and lose the ability to be spontaneous. 

 

When I am in true subspace, however, all thought leaves me and I become focused on the task at hand and giving utter devotion and service to my Master. I lose myself in submission. It is an amazing feeling where nothing else matters except for pleasing my Superior. Any worries or angst just disappear and I feel happy and contented and there is nowhere else I would rather be. 

 


The true joy of submission is that it equips you for your daily life. Teaching you to be focused without second-guessing or doubting yourself. The secret is; be aware of the joy of submitting and being out of control and just focus on the task at hand and live for the moment. 

 


I know all this sounds obvious and easy but to someone like me, it is very difficult, believe me! My Dom is always telling me to “just let go” easier said than done and something I really have to practice. 

2 months ago. June 3, 2022 at 2:49 PM

2 months ago. June 3, 2022 at 11:21 AM

Hello there!

 

It has been quite a long time since I last posted on here - a good 4 months or so. 

 

I have been going through a lot of personal challenges over the last few months and I felt unable to write anything that I thought would be any good: both to me and to anyone who reads this blog. 

 

However, after some consideration and exploration I have come to the realisation that the best content is the most authentic to the author. It does not have to flow with flawless grammar and sentencing - it should just be fruitful. 

 

That is my aim for this space going forth. 

 

Enjoy!

6 months ago. January 29, 2022 at 2:52 PM

— 18+ sexual content -

So… on New Year’s Day, Sir put me into chastity. Or should that be ‘honour’ chastity as I’m not wearing any ‘device’!


I’m not allowed to pleasure myself with either toys or hands etc. I have done this previously but for a set number of days. This time, however, Sir has not seen fit to share my possible end date.

I struggle greatly with my submission and tend to try and control almost subconsciously. However, this latest challenge has had a great influence on my inner rebel!


Knowing I can’t do something makes me want to do it more; but knowing my Dom has instructed me not to do it… makes me ‘melt’. I feel so submissive to him and more connected than ever. 


This happened gradually and I first noticed that my general attitude was softening and I was feeling more compassionate and feminine than usual. I mentioned this to Sir and he pointed out that it was probably me starting to feel the kind of submissiveness that I always fight against. 


This last week, he has uppped the ante by tasking me to flick my nipples for 2 minutes every day and also combine this with throat fucking a dido for practise purposes!


This has blown me away! The feelings and emotions I am feeling have been greatly heightened. I am now starting to glimpse the joy and contentment and connection that submission can bring. 


The desire to please my Master is more genuine and stronger than ever before. 

6 months ago. January 22, 2022 at 3:53 PM

I am very fortunate to have a Dom who is extremely resourceful and exceptionally creative with a huge capacity for setting some very interesting tasks and challenges. 


All of these are designed to teach me various lessons and to help me grow as a person and to shake off some negative behaviours that have become a way of life to me. If Sir gains amusement from them… that’s his prerogative!


In the past, a lot of these tasks and challenges (or Ts&Cs) have caused me a lot of frustration and angst where I have been under the impression that I am being set up to fail, when in actual fact, I am the one setting myself up to fail!


I come into the new year with a greater desire to succeed and progress in my submissive journey. 


This is going to involve a lot of work on my part to foster a positive mindset and an open-minded and fun attitude and nature. 


I was undertaking my matchstick challenge earlier - as mentioned in a previous post. This has indeed been a challenge. Made all the more difficult by my lack of eyesight: For clarity, my Dom is visually inpaired too. 


So, as you can imagine, handling fiddly matchsticks and super-glue is quite a task indeed.  The take away from this challenge is to not seek perfection but to have a ‘good go’. Be positive in the face of adversity and embrace accomplishments no matter how small; just so long as you can honestly say that you have tried. 

6 months ago. January 12, 2022 at 1:49 PM

 

Feeling very grumpy today as I have covid so I’m having to self-isolate. 


I have not seen my Dom since the 2nd of January and I’m missing him a lot. 


He messages me often (via audio) but I am struggling to keep a good mindset as I am feeling very sorry for myself and not finding him overly sympathetic to my plight. 


He has set me a couple of tasks that are designed to help and stop me getting bored but I am struggling to get started. 


One task is to sit for 2 hours and not fidget or look at devices. This is so that I can clear my mind and focus. Oh but this sounds so daunting at the moment as my mind is racing and it’s not in a good place. 


The second task is to make a model of my choice out of matchsticks!  I am not the most creative of people - let me tell you! But he likes to stretch me and take me out of my  comfort zone. Plus, as he says, ‘the devil makes work for idle hands!’ So, despite my grumpiness, I know that he is doing it for a good reason. 


Anyway. Just a short post as I wanted to get some of my thoughts out there and of course, any ideas of what I can make would be much appreciated. 😂 

 

7 months ago. January 3, 2022 at 5:51 PM

Here is my lovely bracelet. mentioned in my previous post 

 

7 months ago. January 3, 2022 at 4:47 PM

First of all, may I wish everyone reading this a very happy New Year!


This Christmas and New Year have been rather eventful! Some of it good and some not so…

 

 

A big highlight was receiving a bracelet off my Master. It is lockable and cannot be removed and Sir has the key!  It is not quite collaring but the first stage for me; who has found the last year quite a challenge and I have not got as far in my training as I would have liked - all down to my own resistance and struggles to let go of a lot of baggage. So the bracelet is a way for me to feel more connected to Sir. I feel both proud and unworthy of wearing it but it is certainly helping me to remember where my focus must lie. 


My Master has his own Master - who is affectionately known as my Grand Master. My Master is also an Alpha sub and he receives training in his own right as well as valuable mentoring from a Dom of many years experience. 


So, on Christmas Day I was honoured to be invited round to my Grand Master’s house where my Master was spending the day. 


I had been tasked with doing a singing presentation where I had to learn the lyrics to a song and perform it!  It was, by no means, a good performance!  But it was a lovely experience to be in both their company and at times a little emotional as they were both so nice to me as they know I struggle and have a lot of emotional baggage and low self esteem. Later that day I had my bracelet put on. Which again, was very emotional and involved a few tears from myself. 


Sadly, between Christmas and New Year I displeased my Master by getting very hostile when he asked me to write a review of my year. This caused an issue with me as I felt (wrongly) that I was being attacked. I was being very over sensitive and forgetting that Sir was doing it for my own good and had wanted me to find pride in the improvements I made. 


New Year’s Day, therefore, found me once again in the presence of both my Masters. This time for an appraisal and a reset. Another emotional day. But a day filled with love and care and great encouragement. I got to spend the evening with just my Master which was an honour as he puts so much effort into me and I, sadly, do not always appreciate it. We had a long talk and sorted a few issues out and I got to do a bit of training too. 


I really do feel that the ‘reset’ was badly needed and I am entering 2022 with renewed focus and determination to succeed and be not only the best submissive I can be but also the best version of myself too!


I will find that pride that Sir wants me to have and the happiness he says I so badly deserve. 

7 months ago. December 24, 2021 at 1:10 PM

7 months ago. December 15, 2021 at 2:26 PM

 

The fortress is strong

It stands aggressively proud in the middle of a dense dark land

It’s walls look solid and its roof looks sound

The door is locked but wants to yield

 


The landscape is dark with storm clouds

Sun appears sporadically to pierce the gloom

The paths are overgrown with thorns and roots

A wind howls with empty recriminations

The going is hard for those who venture in

 


The armour is heavy and uncomfortable

It is well worn with many dents and scratches

Where chinks have appeared only to close over again

It is hot and irritating and a constant heavy burden

 


On rare sunny days the landscape looks less severe

I may venture out - maybe without so much armour

But it is always close at hand - just in case…

I have the return path well mapped

The rugged comfort of the fortress is hard to resist

 


Have I told you too, how the fortress knows?

It knows when I want to leave or invite someone in

It taunts me with bitter words

“They don’t really like you, you know”

“You’re worthless”

Haunting sounds of ‘ugly’ can be heard echoing around the halls

 


Mirrors show distorted images like some grotesque funhouse

Instead of ‘Home Sweet Home’ my walls hold hangings declaring

‘Trust Leads to Heartache’ and ‘You Will Get Hurt’ and my personal favourite

‘NEVER SHOW VULNERABILITY’