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Submissive Shamblings

My thoughts and shmambolic thoughts on my journey as a ‘mature’ submissive.
1 week ago. November 19, 2022 at 9:33 AM

I sit on the floor

No expectations

Warm in your company

Content in mine

 


You stride across the room

Confident, assured, proud 

Glancing at me as you pass

Am I worthy of you gaze?

 


You sit on your “throne” 

Casual and at ease

Yet radiating a power 

like a siren song I am drawn

 


“How would you like to come over?”

You say in a voice that already knows the answer

 


I crawl to the very lowest part of you 

Your booted feet - beneath them I belong 

On my front I lie offering my back as a rest 

You raise one foot, using me as you will

 


The other is mine 

 


And I am home

 

 

 

1 week ago. November 18, 2022 at 8:18 AM

 

Today I am grateful for the place I call home.

 

 

The above was a gratitude prompt that I came across today and it got me thinking about all the places that I have considered to be “home”

 


As a child I attended a residential school due to my sight impairment.  I spent 10 years there and even though it was problematic at times and I was very homesick for my family and home; over the years that place became home too.

 


On cold dark evenings, or in the night when the wind would be howling or the rain lashing down, those dormitories though large and somewhat impersonal - felt snug and safe. Home. 

 


The joy of school holiday time when I was at my actual home is indescribable.  To be back with family in my own bed with my own toys etc was the most contented feeling in the world.

 


However, in both homes I did not always feel that I truly belonged.  At school I was one of many and because I spent so long there, I felt out of touch with my own family and all of the family comings and goings. 

 


The first time I felt truly at home was the first time I had a house to myself…along with my very young child. As the only adult though, it truly felt like my own little castle.  My child and I had a cozy routine and I felt contented and safe - able to shut my front door on the world.

 


I am so lucky. I have discovered a fourth home. The home within myself.

 


I felt this a short time ago when I rediscovered the joy of submission.  I have struggled with the concept of submissiveness for a long time and was beginning to feel that it would be lost on me and that I was far too controlling to ever be able to truly surrender. A recent breakdown of a D/s dynamic had allowed me to buy into this fact.

 


Through practising meditation and studying psychology and undertaking therapy. It appears that surrendering is the key to making real positive change in your life.

 


Accepting what is and letting things be, is so liberating that I cannot believe how I thought submissiveness was weakness. Letting go of speculation, negative assumptions and constant battle to control my surroundings has opened my mind and heart to so much more. 

 


I got a glimpse of my new submissive “home” a few days ago. My very close friend who had also been my Dom and I spent an evening together.  Though we haven’t been in a formal dynamic for several months we mutually decided to do some sub-play. And…wow! If I thought subspace had been good before, when I was having struggles and doubts; it was nothing compared to what I experienced this time.

 


I was so much more relaxed and open to surrendering. Thanks to my meditation practice I was able to easily be “in the moment”. Not speculating. No expectations. No feeling discomfort in being vulnerable. Just mindfully enjoying the company of someone I care about very deeply and I know, cares about me.

 


A wave of submissiveness came over me almost like a rush. A tidal wave of sheer happiness and contentment and love. It swept everything away.  It was my very own warm, comforting, safe little nook where everything ceased to exist apart from each moment and I felt at one with my partner and at one with myself.

 


To have that chance to find that special place is a gift.  A gift, that a few months ago, I thought I did not deserve.  Now, this new home is mine and I’m not going to give it up for anything.

 

It is my home…and it is where my heart is.

 


With Love x 

 

2 weeks ago. November 13, 2022 at 1:31 PM

 

I would like to share with you an experience I had a couple of months ago. This experience was so profound and unexpected that it changed me and my outlook completely.

 


My friend who was my former Dom, and is still by my side despite some horrendous adversity that I have put him through, asked whether I would like to experience some of his newly acquired massage skills.

 


Now, I have never been one for massages before.  To me, spa treatments such as massage etc, have always felt like a punishment rather than pleasure. However, since I had started practicing meditation I felt that I would be able to relax and perhaps see it as a challenge to overcome my former fear of this technique. 

 


Because of some complexities in our relationship we did not want wires getting crossed so I had on a thin vest and shorts.  However, I did consent to being restrained on my front by both legs and wrists - a favourite of mine! As well as being blindfolded.

 


My friend started some light massage on my back and then left me alone while he played some favourite and meaningful songs through a speaker in the room.  I felt very at ease even though I did not know when he would come back in.

 


When he came back, he continued to massage my back, neck and shoulders.  Wow! It was amazing. I believe that with my new found meditation skills I was able to really be “in the now” and relax and go with it.  

 


Even though he was not playing as my Dom at that moment, because of his sheer expertise and generosity of spirit in giving me this chance; I felt humbled and rather submissive.  

 


As a submissive, one of my favourite things is to worship the boots of my Dom and while I did not do this I got to inhale one of them.  Well, that completely opened the floodgates.  

 


I would like to say that I cried…but this was more than crying. This was a howl so primal I do not know the depths from which it came.  I did not fight it; I just let it happen…and it went on and on and on I thought I would never stop. It was so cathartic; purging me of all my anguish, past hurts and present woes. It truly was a turning point.  All that sorrow that I had inside came flooding out until I felt hollow but strangely calm and ready to continue on my current journey.

 


The love and respect I have for my friend grew from that moment along with renewed awe for the Dominant inside of him.  He gave me a gift that day that I will keep forever.

3 weeks ago. November 4, 2022 at 5:22 PM

A season of diversity. 

Mild, cold, wet, dry, windy, calm, sunny or dull.

Flowers tricked into staying open only to shatter at the first frost. 

Grass that keeps growing but is too wet to cut.

Coats and jumpers in the morning, tee shirts by lunchtime. 

 


Colourful leaves stand out against a leaden sky.

Bright oranges and yellows against a crisp blue on a sunny afternoon.

Misty mornings, foggy evenings, crows calling, spiderwebs glistening.

Dry crunchy leaves to kick and throw. Slippery, brown and rain soaked that cling to my shoe. 

 


Clocks go back, lights on early. Halloween and Guy Fawkes too.

Poppies and remembering, giving thanks and festivals of lights. 

So gloomy after the joys of summer but full of so much promise. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3 weeks ago. November 2, 2022 at 10:20 AM

The blog  I refer to in this post is  external to this site.

 

 

 

It’s not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it. 

 Lena Horne

 


Lena Horne was an American entertainer and civil rights activist. I love this quote from her especially in reflecting on more recent events in my life; particularly in respect of my former D/s dynamic. 

 


My former Dom used to set me tasks that were very creative and, I know, took a lot of thought. They were, at times, extremely challenging but were, ultimately, designed to help and teach me new skills and to take me out of my comfort zone. In fact, this blog came about as a result of one of those tasks.  

 


When I was first tasked with doing this site I was very apprehensive and unsure and certainly had some challenges setting it up.  The main challenge to me, however, was thinking that I had nothing to talk about or that people would think it was utter trash and boring.  

 


The first month - back in May; I was given a 31 days of happiness challenge. At that time I felt that I had nothing happy to talk about.  I was struggling to see happiness in anything and certainly not the mundane.  For that reason I was resentful and resistant to start.

 


How different to now! Six months on; I have lots to talk about and though I have a long way to go; I am finding that there is joy and happiness to be found in the most unlikely of places.

 


The blog is one example of how attitude can really influence how you approach new challenges. It also gives a small glimpse into my mindset a few months back which ultimately led to the breakdown of the D/s relationship.  

 


I used to whine and moan about feeling discomfort not wanting to show weakness or vulnerability by trying new things that I may or may not have been good at.  I got into a vicious cycle of not wanting to follow instructions for fear of being made to look stupid, or not putting in effort because I might fail and be made to look even more stupid.  Then feeling a failure anyway because not only had I let myself down but also my Dom, who only ever had my best interests in mind. 

 


If only I had surrendered, lived in the moment and just “had a go” and seen the fun and positivity in the tasks…how differently things might have turned out.  

 


As I think of some of those tasks now I feel eagerness and want to attempt them with new found vigour. So even though I am no longer in Service I am challenging myself to be out of my comfort zone and try new and scary things. 

 


Looking forward and leaving the past behind is the scariest of all. 

 


With Love x 

 

2 months ago. September 27, 2022 at 6:52 AM

Surrender is a journey from the outer turmoil

to the inner peace.

 

Sri Chinmoy

5 months ago. June 8, 2022 at 9:52 AM

 

How do I stop overthinking when, most of the time, I am not aware that it is actually happening. I refer particularly to when I am in service to my Dom - but it happens during other aspects of my life too.

 


When I am in service to my Dom I just want to please him and do as I’m told. Sometimes, though, I start thinking about whether I am “performing” right or is my Dom tired and am I taking up too much of his time etc etc. while a lot of this is well intentioned, it is not my place to speculate or worry about anything apart from following instructions and giving him pleasure. Instead I start getting anxious and cautious and I lose my focus. In his wisdom, my Dom knows straight away when I have lost my “subspace” and I’m getting angst and self-doubt. 

 


In real life too, overthinking leads to second-guessing and self-doubt. I also lose my ability to make decisions and I ignore instinct and lose the ability to be spontaneous. 

 

When I am in true subspace, however, all thought leaves me and I become focused on the task at hand and giving utter devotion and service to my Master. I lose myself in submission. It is an amazing feeling where nothing else matters except for pleasing my Superior. Any worries or angst just disappear and I feel happy and contented and there is nowhere else I would rather be. 

 


The true joy of submission is that it equips you for your daily life. Teaching you to be focused without second-guessing or doubting yourself. The secret is; be aware of the joy of submitting and being out of control and just focus on the task at hand and live for the moment. 

 


I know all this sounds obvious and easy but to someone like me, it is very difficult, believe me! My Dom is always telling me to “just let go” easier said than done and something I really have to practice. 

5 months ago. June 3, 2022 at 2:49 PM

5 months ago. June 3, 2022 at 11:21 AM

Hello there!

 

It has been quite a long time since I last posted on here - a good 4 months or so. 

 

I have been going through a lot of personal challenges over the last few months and I felt unable to write anything that I thought would be any good: both to me and to anyone who reads this blog. 

 

However, after some consideration and exploration I have come to the realisation that the best content is the most authentic to the author. It does not have to flow with flawless grammar and sentencing - it should just be fruitful. 

 

That is my aim for this space going forth. 

 

Enjoy!

9 months ago. January 29, 2022 at 2:52 PM

— 18+ sexual content -

So… on New Year’s Day, Sir put me into chastity. Or should that be ‘honour’ chastity as I’m not wearing any ‘device’!


I’m not allowed to pleasure myself with either toys or hands etc. I have done this previously but for a set number of days. This time, however, Sir has not seen fit to share my possible end date.

I struggle greatly with my submission and tend to try and control almost subconsciously. However, this latest challenge has had a great influence on my inner rebel!


Knowing I can’t do something makes me want to do it more; but knowing my Dom has instructed me not to do it… makes me ‘melt’. I feel so submissive to him and more connected than ever. 


This happened gradually and I first noticed that my general attitude was softening and I was feeling more compassionate and feminine than usual. I mentioned this to Sir and he pointed out that it was probably me starting to feel the kind of submissiveness that I always fight against. 


This last week, he has uppped the ante by tasking me to flick my nipples for 2 minutes every day and also combine this with throat fucking a dido for practise purposes!


This has blown me away! The feelings and emotions I am feeling have been greatly heightened. I am now starting to glimpse the joy and contentment and connection that submission can bring. 


The desire to please my Master is more genuine and stronger than ever before.