5 days ago. Sep 19, 2021, 2:11 AM
Easy fellas. I’m not really new. And I’m a male.
Hopefully the above brought a chuckle to the reader, but if it did, maybe you should ask yourself why.
Those of us that have been involved in this lifestyle online for any period of time know that having the words “new and inexperienced” in a female submissive’s profile will bring the male dominants swarming like sharks to chum.
Unfortunately and obviously, the new ones do not know that. They join a site like this and are immediately inundated with dozens, if not hundreds, of messages from males. Most of these messages are demanding or degrading or just plain ignorant. These messages are terrible and I do not think anyone should be subjected to them, but they aren’t the worst messages that come through.
The messages that come from intelligent predators are far worse. Those men that know enough to sound genuine and will fill a new submissive’s head with falsehoods about what we do are the most dangerous. These men can emotionally, mentally, and physically abuse a woman under the guise of domination.
This problem will never go away completely because predators exist everywhere and the intelligent ones are hard to spot, but there are some things that we as a community can do to help mitigate the issue.
First, we can inform. Blogs and posts in the forums filled with good information can provide a safe place for a new submissive to learn what we actually do. If you have knowledge, get it out where people can read it. Even if you feel the topic has been covered a million times, go ahead and say something. I am certainly not under the impression that I am the first one to write about the subjects I have chosen, including this one, but it is impossible to have too much good information out there.
Second, we can make personal connections with new members asking questions. Experienced submissives especially. It has been my observation that when a space has a strong presence of active, experienced submissives the predation level is lessened considerably. As a dominant, I can be a place of information and experience. I can guide, but I will never be able to completely empathize with a new submissive’s experience because it was never my own. Experienced submissives that speak out and make themselves available to new members will have a profound influence.
Last, we can call the predators out. I am not advocating breaking any site rules that are in place, but when a friend or new acquaintance asks advice, we can be straightforward in calling out predatory behavior. We can watch for and combat it in the forums.
If you are new and inexperienced, here are a few things to be on guard against:
Isolating behavior: Be wary of men that want you to get your information from only them or that do not want you talking to others. Isolation is a very common form of abuse.
A lack of choice: Many predators will tell you that you must obey because they are dominant and you are submissive. If you hesitate, they will often tell you that you are not a true submissive. Choice is one of the most important aspects of BDSM. You have the choice to say no at any time. Do not let anyone tell you differently.
Your feelings do not matter: Predators will tell you that your feelings are of no value because you are submissive. They use this to get you to do things that feel wrong to you. Do not believe them. Submission, above all else, should bring you a peace, fulfillment, and outright joy. Your feelings matter just as much as his do.
One last piece of advice for the new and inexperienced that can be held in the back of your head:
Always remember that being submissive does not equal being a doormat.