Thoughts

My infrequent ramblings, started cause I can't sleep with covid lol

Exactly as it says in the title. There is a misconception of what CNC is, that's r*** play or fantasies, that it's highly controversial, etc. Well it's not, it shouldn't be, and I'm here to explain what CNC is and what it actually means.

Let me preface this by first addressing r*** play: r*** play is not real. Play is consensual, else it is no longer play and is r***. Consent is not some absolute binding agreement to do what you want without the other person being able to do anything about it. Consent is also not something that is given at the start and cannot be rescinded later. Consent is fluid: it can be given at one moment and rescinded the next. When you take away someone's power to rescind their consent, that's assault. Someone choosing to not rescind their consent is different from someone who did not have the choice.

What people often mistake for their r*** play fantasies is actually CNC, except it's not r*** because you have you power to consent and rescind consent at all times. CNC, consensual non-consent, is the idea of giving implied consent, that is it prior consent you give your dom to *initiate* a scene without prior notice. The key here is that the scene can only be initiated. You may be surprised by the start of a scene, but you always have power to revoke your consent during it. If you say stop, it stops.That is the essence of CNC.

Some examples I've heard/done are surprising your mate as they walk through a doorway, tying someone up in their sleep, ambushing/overpowering your mate, etc. You can even get into more extreme means like extending the CNC play to outside the home (establishing kidnapping scenes), permission to do things while your partner is asleep/non conscious and thereby not able to give consent but gave it prior, or a bidirectional play dynamic with CNC such as primal play. What's important here is two proponents: first is that consent to initiate a scene was given prior to the scene being initiated, and the second being consent to that scene has not been revoked during that scene.

So you see it isn't r*** play because you always have consent in the situation. You always have power to rescind consent and stop the scene. What CNC aims to do is provide more spontaneous playstyle that better mimics how domination would happen in a real life scenario. Furthermore, I personally do not believe in r*** play because if you want it to stop and you can't stop it, that is no longer play to me. Play is your consent to engage in bdsm activities willingly. And as such, I would say no one should ever engage in "r*** play." Do CNC instead and keep your power to not consent.

And I understand that some people want that feeling where they don't have the control and can't do anything about it, but at a certain point, the fantasies need to be dialed back so play can stay safe. You don't have to use your out if you don't want to, you can even pretend it's not there outside of an emergency, but having that choice to stop is what makes it consensual play.

But also do not just jump into scene with someone who says they're into CNC. CNC takes a firm understanding of what it means to consent, and many people do not have that. I look to certain laws that tried to say you could not rescind consent to sex after starting as examples that people not only do not understand the full picture of consent but are also not educated to. As always, it comes down to whether you can trust your play partner to respect you when you want to stop, pause, talk, not do something, etc and especially so when you are made vulnerable around them. And of course for some people just the initiation alone can be enough to trigger a traumatic episode, so CNC is definitely not for everyone, but I'm sure you know your relationship and partner(s) well enough to decide whether it'd be worth exploring or not

Play safe, and I hope this has helped to clear up some of the misconceptions around consent and CNC

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin} - While this is a very informative and insightful blog (thank you for giving your perspective and viewpoints on this matter) I do feel that it's important to point out that just because something "should be" A B C- does not necessarily make it so. Wording and interpretation is very important. Stating that cnc is or isn't X/Y/Z implies explicit control, and since that is being handed over (albeit as you said willingly and mutually) in the end the results will be whatever the person who has the power wants them to be. Your needing to verify or explain what cnc is and clarify what it is not is to some extent caused by those have practiced it in a way that has caused misunderstanding or in some way revoked someone's consent (ie limits or play were pushed past what would have been mutual but the receiver was unable to rescind permission and it resulted in assault essentially, because they froze/could not or did not communicate at the time to stop the "play"). Please do not think I am playing devils advocate or arguing here, I merely seek to point out that for some cnc may have been exactly that play that resulted in r*** and was brushed off as consensual or mutual because of prior agreement/discussions. Or for some because no explicit refusal was given. I do hope that makes sense.

1 year ago

Nitrev(dom male) - It does make sense, and I acknowledge that people probably have misused CNC before and had a poor understanding of consent in general. I understand what you are saying, it's partly why I wanted to make this blog post.

Mostly what is covered here is people who have "r*** fantasies" and want this kind of play, but we all understand what r*** is. The intent here was to educate what CNC means and that yes your bottom(s) should always have the power to revoke their consent, in an effort to hopefully break the stigma for some and establish clear boundaries between CNC and assault.

I acknowledge that others have misused CNC and probably even dismissed assaulting their partners because they have a poor understanding of what consent is. I also recognize that it is a larger issue than d/s though, as many people were clamoring about consent being an all or nothing deal you couldn't take back in the vanilla world as well (even including the real world example where North Carolina tried to establish consent as being just that). What they did was assault, but for people to acknowledge that, and to prevent it happening, it highlights why the conversation on what it means to give consent is so important.

I will disagree with you on the line about "the results will be what the whatever the person who has power wants them to be" though, as this this is the same trust factor that is involved in bondage. When you do not have power, it becomes that much more important that your top is trustworthy in respecting your limits and stopping when you want it to. It may not be the end result they wanted, but It's what you needed at that time. There are people that will abuse their station, ignore safe words, or use RACK as an excuse to hurt their play partners, and those people should be and do get called out for such, but that is, again, a larger issue than just CNC.

But I would also disagree on the point of interpretations as well, in that just because someone misinterprets what something is does not make it so: it just makes that person ignorant. We could look at the whole public perception of BDSM to see that: to the outside observer, it looks like abuse, striking your partner, choking them, tying them up, etc. All very common kinks that outside of BDSM onlookers interpret to be abusive behavior and even assault. That doesn't make it so though, as people who are properly educated on it know how to do so safely with their partners who consent to/want that kind playstyle.

1 year ago

Little moon(sub female){Not lookin} - All very good points that correlate to your initial ones in the blog. As for the misinterpretation part I meant that more in the sense that people understand things in different ways and react accordingly, not necessarily a form of ignorance as different viewpoints and sometimes belief structures. It's a much bigger deeper issue /topic that I don't really feel can just be dismissed as ignorance. And I think it would be safe to say that a good portion of "vanilla" relationships practice forms of bdsm without understanding or knowledge of doing so, again it goes to perception and their concepts surrounding what it actually is. But let me leave it at that, I'm sorry not trying to dissect your responses I just love learning and discussing things😊. Thank you again for your insights and sharing this matter.

1 year ago

Nitrev(dom male) - Oh no, you're totally fine. This discourse is warranted as I did initially capture the case you mentioned well where people have used CNC to assault their partners, so thank you for that.🙂

I also agree with you on a lot of points, especially vanilla mingling kink without a good understanding of it, though it's those bad experiences that can also turn people off of the kink entirely.

I ask that you don't mistake me for dismissing the issue as just ignorance though. I think ignorance can be a major issue, maybe not in itself, but when people act on their ignorance, either formulating decisions/actions while maintaining an ignorant view, or engaging in a practice that they are ignorant of, it can become very damaging and dangerous. It's not a dismissal to call something ignorant, but there is a difference in consequences between someone ignorant of CNC engaging in it and someone ignorant of BDSM not engaging in it

1 year ago

Literate Lycan(dom male) - I feel like you are splitting a single hair. As far as I know, Rape play (if that is the word you are using) is within the definition of CNC. How are they different? And during any Play you can rescind the decision and rescind consent. Now, if you are referring to Role Play (also a word that begins with R) you can also rescind consent. Because as you successfully indicate, consent can always be taken back at any time. Now, I would agree that CNC covers a much greater area of play than just Race Play (also a word that begins with R). But I would caution, it’s more important to know your laws and your partner and your dynamic. In certain areas, countries, states, even under the guise of consent some acts are considered illegal. Some partners have engaged in an act, only to feel it went too far. And be aware that someone who may willingly enjoy the prospect of Rope play (way too many words that begin with R here), may also be triggered by the scene and later suffer from trauma, so make sure no matter how you play, use tons of aftercare. The more extreme the scene, the more aftercare is required. And the trauma may not surface right away . . . it may manifest itself days or week later. But I’m not a psychologist and I didn’t stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.

I especially liked and support your comment “it comes down to whether you can trust your play partner to stop”. That is the foundation of CNC I believe. That is a good point.

1 year ago

Nitrev(dom male) - It it the former. You are right that it's a bit ambiguous, but I used to use the word uncensored in conversation. I stopped since my friend respectfully asked me to not use it in our conversations, so now I've developed the habit of using synonyms like assault or censoring out of respect for people who do not even want to see the word because of traumatic episodes it can trigger. Though I think it can be reasonable assumed given the conflation to CNC and other synonyms/context .

This blog was dedicated to establishing how they are different: to start, CNC is real. When you say r*** play, you are establishing a precedent that is different from CNC, one in which you do not have that control, and maybe you never lose your consent in that play, but if you do, it's good to be able to stop. The issue here is that people do not stop when told to, because that is, to them, the precedent that was established in engaging in r*** play, but I think we can agree that if you cannot stop play, it becomes assault on the top's end.

I also agree that during any play you can always rescind consent, that's why scenes where you cannot or set the precedent that you cannot is no longer play.

You are right about the laws though, but that's another larger issue with BDSM in general. Some states have a legal precedent to consent to physical assault like New York while other states will have laws making bdsm/sexual playstyles illegal. As kidnapping play was mentioned, federal laws dictate it a felony to take somebody across state borders against their will. And as is the case with the public, they may not know what is going on or that there is consent and will act on what they do see. Here in Florida, if you nabbed somebody in public, even with consent, you are probably going to get shot lol. It's always important to understand the risks of play you engage in and how you might do so safely, especially jumping into more extreme forms of play

1 year ago

Literate Lycan(dom male) - Good response and I respect your choice to defer to your friend’s feelings. Thank you for chatting on the subject. I would posture that CNC covers all areas, to include fantasy, play and real. I see CNC as a foundation of how we live this dynamic lifestyle. It is my thoughts that no matter what play you are engaging in, you are still within the umbrella of CNC. You are literally consenting to the play. Granted, you may be offering up all control and part of that might be “no safe words” - and that is a different subject as well. Yes, you and I both definitely agree that if any play goes beyond safe word or prescribed limits, it is wrong. I think the key and most important element, which I honed in on your writing, is to know and trust your partner. I think the area of rape play you are more concerned with and probably targeting are those individuals who offer to be “r***d” by random strangers because they really need that thrill. And that is giving up control in a fairly unsafe manner. Still consent, still “play” but definitely not what I would recommend or my cup of tea. Thanks again for the chat.

1 year ago

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Nitrev​(dom male)

Thoughts

CNC is not "r*** play"

Nitrev(dom male)