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Put a Leash on chaos

Various thoughts and musings, all my own, unless otherwise stated.
2 months ago. Feb 27, 2022, 3:19 PM

Will you get so deep into my head, you don't know where you end and i begin?
Do you want to hurt me so much i'm begging you to stop?
Will you love me so much it hurts?
Do you want to leave your marks all over me as a reminder that i'm owned?
Will you take me beyond my comfort zone, but still so safe?
Do you want to cut your initials into skin and lick the trailing crimson?
Will you guide me in my submission and make me your perfect slave?
Do you want to use me like the slut i am for you?
Will you make me need you like the air i breathe as you take my breath?
i hope you do. i want you to.
Are you sick like me?

3 months ago. Feb 8, 2022, 6:53 PM

She yearns for a love that transcends everything. She wants the fairy tale, the movie ending. She knows it’s unlikely, but she wants it anyway.

A connection that builds over time; so deep that neither want to breathe without the other. Even when apart, they are bound to each other by that invisible thread that cannot be broken.

A trust in each other to be there when it hurts, to be there when it’s all sunshine and rainbows. The knowing that whatever life throws out, they will always have each other and that is all that matters.

She aches to know the peace of being His; she wants to bring Him serenity and happiness unbound. She longs to feel the need from Him, the carnal fury that erupts from Him as He takes her; the tranquillity and stillness in her mind He delivers in His savagery.

She hungers to know that she is His and He is hers. To know they are joined, internally and eternally; in life and in death.


She is me.

3 months ago. Feb 8, 2022, 6:10 PM

I could insert so many words in there: fuck doll, slut doll, babydoll, pleasure doll, pain doll, rape doll. They are all relevant.

My brand of weirdness includes the pain and sluttery, need and dripping desperation; but also the laughter and snuggles, movies and grocery shopping, afternoon walks and evening talks.

The things that we do have so many different shades, so many different elements, there really is something for everyone. But when it comes to matching with that One, it's incredibly difficult. Bit of a rollercoaster ride; the euphoric highs of thinking 'is this it? Is this Him?' Right along to the lows of realising that he was not.

Just a single shade off and it throws me. Everything may seem just right, all the boxes ticked, all criteria hit. But then, something isn't quite right. Because they are just that almost imperceptible shade off.

What I look for is rather specific, like a family recipe handed down through generations. All the ingredients must be just so. No measuring with cups. Must use scales. 150g Dom; 100g Primal Hunter; 140g Daddy; 200g Sadist; 3x bunches of humour; 400g integrity; a pinch of goof and 100g humility. Plus a few other bits and pieces.

Whilst there may be many that read this, ticking all those off in their head, believing that they indeed, do have all of those ingredieents, it is most likely that they have them in different proportions. That almost imperceptible shade becomes the only thing I can see.

It's very obvious when I can see that just-right shade. It hits me like a truck, travelling at 80mph. My breath leaves me, I'm left sat on my ass, dazed. And because I must have pissed someone off royally in a past life or something, there are always some circumstances that mean that person is too far away, or not currently looking or some other thing.

I have tried to find it. It's like trying to find the end of a rainbow. And each subsequent time, in the trying, I become more reserved, more wary, more reflective and introspective. Less giving of myself. When all I want to do is give myself. Completely and wholly. But only to that One. The One I can be myself with. The dripping, needy rape doll, where He takes what is His, whenever and wherever He chooses mixed with the everyday life stuff, we do together.

I worry of course, that if I do find it again, I'll mess it up. I'll push Him away with my caution and reflection. So then I think perhaps I should stop looking. But the longing, the craving, the need.. comes back, like someone has taken a hold of my insides and won't let them go, until He is here.

Does He exist? And will He want me? I guess I'll have to stay on the ride to find out...

4 months ago. Jan 21, 2022, 1:21 PM

In conversation recently, about moving house frequently, I said I was a lost little orphan just trying to find her forever.

This is true but about so much more than just moving house. I am adrift. Incomplete. Missing something.

I don't need a significant other to be able to live my life, function, or get things done. I am capable and independent.
But I do need my One to thrive. I need to serve my One to flourish, to truly be myself. It's an innate drive that cannot be quelled by distraction, repression nor suppression.

I need to belong. I want to find my forever home. I don't mean bricks and mortar. I mean the person. That, when they wrap you up in their arms, you feel like you're home. I need to belong to him, my One. Loved. Protected. Cared for. Accepted. To be owned by him. And his ownership of me would come with so much; love, loyalty, respect, devotion, fun and giggles, deviance and depravity - my entirety. I could truly be me.

Until then, I will remain that lost little orphan, drifting along, hopelessly hopeful that her forever is around the next corner.

4 months ago. Jan 7, 2022, 5:03 AM

i posted this on the same site, 6 hours ago, after messing something potentially amazing up. We were supposed to go on a date on Saturday. That's not happening now. Because of me. 


I thought I was left in a state of destruction; powerless, blind and hollow. But that is not true. He left me with so many other things. And I couldn't see them.

He did leave me guarded and aware. So guarded of my own feelings and risk averse to pain that I couldn't see when I was hurting another.

I was left aware of my failings, not a bad thing to know. But a hard thing to overcome.

Overthinking. Not just because of him, but heightened due to his behaviour towards me. The overthinking, which cruelly pushes something new, something with promise, away before it has a chance to flourish.

Doubt. Never believing another's words, for fear they may be a callous trick to be played. No proof of this, nothing. Nothing but what he left me. And I'm left knowing that what could have been, never will be. My own doing.

These are the monsters I still fight behind my walls. Alone. I don't know if I will ever win. Perhaps I am broken after all.



i don't know if i'm broken beyond repair. i'm truly too drunk to know right now. It's 02:58 on my 39th birthday and honestly? i don't care to see what the rest of the year has if Lady Fate is going to deal out more of this shit. 

But then, i suppose it would be unfair of me to heap it on her, considering it was my own doing. i'll have to try and fix me before i get into anything else. If i can be fixed.  

4 months ago. Jan 7, 2022, 4:54 AM

i posted this on another site 4 days ago...


I thought he left me broken, only able to seek out other damaged souls, those wanting shelter only for a moment, to break me further still;
I thought he left me blind, unable or unwilling to see those who wished me hurt, for who they truly were;
I thought he left me hollow, incapable of feeling the deepest connection with another; damaged beyond repair;
I thought he left me powerless, forsaken to stay in my own private hell, with no relief and no way out.

When I left him, I thought he left me destroyed.
He did not.

He left me guarded, with walls almost impenetrable; with my own monsters to fight within those walls;
He left me resilient, moreso than before, knowing I can face being shattered and still rise up whole;
He left me aware - of my failings, of my strengths, of my frailties, and of those around me;
He left me resolute in my integrity, never failing; in my honesty, in my kindness; in my need to protect myself but also to find my One.

I know my own worth, what I bring to the table and I'm not afraid to eat alone. But I will find my One and we shall feast together.

4 months ago. Dec 25, 2021, 12:55 AM

It wasn't until tonight that i felt truly alone. i'm happy in my own company, good with silence. Pretty damn independent. i have a couple friends scattered across the country and i know they are happy, healthy and doing their thing with their loved ones, as people do on Christmas Eve. But tonight, i feel truly alone.

What is it about this holiday that inspires such a feeling? Why am i so bothered now? 

i know that what i'm looking for will take time; to find, to build. That finding that match is incredibly hard. Goddamn, do i know that. i know that what i'm looking for is so specific, that i may never find it. Him. 

i feel so lost right now. And i hate that.

4 months ago. Dec 24, 2021, 5:37 AM

i don't want to be. But i can't help feeling a little bit jaded. Just a little bit more each day.  

Another 'early days' dynamic falls by the wayside and i don't have a Daddy...still. No one's fault. No blame to lay. Just a case of wanting different things. Being in different places, literally and figuratively. 

How many times does a girl put herself out there to find her One, only to find that he was not? That it was another false start...

i'm old enough to know that it takes time to find and build. i'm also old enough to know i'm not in the best age bracket anymore... i'll be 39 in a couple weeks. Whilst not 'over the hill', i am not a twenty-something with little responsibility or commitment in my life. i've had my share of trauma and ick in my past. 

The wish to be owned, the need to let my demons dance with another's, the innate craving to be a doll for Him to do as He wishes with, to serve, to connect, to be loved and's exhausting. Because i am not convinced i'll find Him.

5 months ago. Nov 30, 2021, 9:12 PM

That feeling
When he calls me a good girl
When he answers my questions with never-ending patience
When he sends me pictures because i asked for them

That feeling
When he calls me his filthy cock-hungry slut
When he tells me all the things he's going to do to me
When he makes me melt and shudder in puddles of mush

That feeling
When i can hear the sadism dripping from his tongue
When he makes me feel better about myself on a bad day
When he makes me so hot for him just by being himself

That feeling
When i know i can tell him anything and he won't judge me for it
When he makes me laugh
When i can't get his cock out of my mind for more than a minute

That feeling
When we share the same values
When we have just enough differences
When things just fall into place

5 months ago. Nov 30, 2021, 9:04 PM

There's something entirely captivating about beautiful eyes with a sadistic glint in them. Sets the hair on the back of my neck on edge. Eyes that can look upon me with nothing but love one minute and in the next, take my breath away with the danger that lurks beneath.

Now i realise that beauty and attraction is all subjective - and i cannot describe what makes them so for me - but, i think it comes from the looks given as much as the eyes themselves.

i find myself enraptured if there's a wicked smile along with that beautiful but lethal gaze; unable to do much but murmur my acquiescence. The flicker that says he knows he has me exactly where he wants me; completely at his mercy. The smile that tells me he's going to hurt me, there's not a damn thing i can do about it...and i'm going to love every single second of it.

And when he does, they gleam with brutal euphoria. Almost too much to bear and yet it is addictive. i want more of what he's giving because i want more of that gleam; those beautiful, dangerous eyes.