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Could do betterer.

A work in progress featuring stuff and words scraped from the archives and fresh leavings of a perverted odd duck.
5 days ago. Thu 08 Nov 2018 11:12:17 PM IST

Kind heart and soul from genuine Dom.  Some light surface damage.  Well used but never claimed.  Good for support and recovery while you move on to the next part of your life.  Deep seductive voice will melt most, cares and supports well. Goes away with minimal fuss, does not lash out.  Cleans up well. Mostly housebroken, may be mostly dead.  Offered as is, no refunds.  Ask around for references.  Satisfaction guaranteed. 

No.

1 week ago. Sun 04 Nov 2018 03:13:30 PM IST

I wanna holler the loud funny words.  

 

The next person who thinks I'm amazing and awesome can show up, hug me, and stick around.  I'm done with the rest.

 

I've seen this show; it's a repeat and I can recite the script from heart before the next line.  

 

Solve your own problems; you have the skills and resources sitting right here. 

 

The predators and idiots are what they are. I can correctly guess their identities based on the blogs of the ones they hurt without even seeing a name.  Figure it out.

 

Stop pretending this is special; your problems are with relationships and communication, and no munch, seminar, play party or workshop is going to teach that. There is not a magical solution in BDSM.  No protocol or ritual will solve these issues.

 

If you have to ask why so much bad stuff happens, why you can't find them, or where the 'true' or 'real' whatevers are... then sorry.  You lack the basic awareness to play in this environment.  Learn people.

 

This really is common sense shit.  The number of folks that grok that is small, and always will be. 

The rest of you have fun with the memes and chat... ignore the wooshing sound. 

3 weeks ago. Thu 18 Oct 2018 09:29:31 PM IDT

1 month ago. Sat 15 Sep 2018 04:02:42 PM IDT

I've had this blog rattling around in brain for a week or so, but just when I thought that I had it down, something related would come up in forums, blogs or private communication and take me off on a tangent. The title changed a few times, and may change again before I'm done writing.

 

Someone wrote in a forum post that we're all here for one thing; to be accepted for who we are.  I suppose that's true, but I think that's a basic human need.  I think we're all here to make connections.  How we try to do that varies greatly from person to person. 

 

Without injecting too much ego into the mix, I think I've done pretty well there, so perhaps my experience and methods will help some.  Obviously I'm writing from the D side of the D/s slash, but I think the ideas are more universal than any role or label.

 

The first thing I did was fill out my profile.  This is the first and most common reference for folks curious about you; take your time and pay attention to detail. 

 

Doms especially; if you're sloppy with grammar and spelling, it says that your communication skills need work.  If you can't use a keyboard properly and with precision, then some may assume that your other brain>hand skills in other areas may be sloppy or lacking too.  Not a good look.  

 

While we're here, Dominant, not Dominate is the title, and illeagle is a sick bird. :)

 

If you're going to call yourself an 'x' Dom, then when I Google "x Dom BDSM" a definition should pop up; otherwise you made that shit up and need to define it further. 

 

If you're in a monogamous relationship, don't like cheaters, and are looking for someone, you need to explain those contradictions. 

Folks assume the worst without it, but have sympathy for dead bedrooms, failed relationships with children involved, and trying to fix something with a partner who won't/can't communicate.

 

I have rarely approached a sub with the intention of starting a relationship; 99% of the time, they approach me.  Why?  Because of something I've written or said in chat, blogs or forums.

 

Point there is that it's easier to let the ones who are curious approach you.  They can't do that if you're a ghost, and the more active you are, the better the chances are of that happening.

 

This is an online medium; the currency here is effective, thoughtful and polite writing.  Being fuctionally literate lets you function; being fully literate lets you florish.  Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

 

Read the Code of Conduct and Terms of Service.  Read Evangeline's welcome articles.  Understand them (see fully literate above).

 

Understand your own needs and the needs of others, and know that you can have them met here outside of a relationship.  You don't need a Dom/sub to get support or provide it, to learn about BDSM, to enjoy sexual gratification, or to learn how to express yourself.  

 

This is a community of folks who can provide little bits of that casually while you take the time to find the right partner(s) for you.

 

You can meet Doms and subs and have your needs met in an informal, non sexual and social way.  In fact, that's the better way to go about it.  Don't hide and hinder that learning then dump it all on the first unlucky soul who pings your heart; that ain't fair to anyone.

 

Just like writing detail in profiles, it speaks to how you'll be in a relationship. If you can't talk, think, share and deal with your needs and moods socially, you're probably going to suck at it privately too.  Don't make your partner do all the heavy lifting just because they like you enough to put up with that.  It's still a chore.

 

Memes are great fun, but if it's your only method of communication, that's not effective.  "But this spoke to me!!!" Great.  Add a line or two telling us what it said and how it applies to you.

 

SAFE GENERALIZATIONS ABOUT BDSM IN BIG FONTS SAY NOTHING.  I've got a "Hang in there, baby" poster with a cute cat on my dentist's ceiling for that.   Everyone knows BDSM is not abuse and that submissives deserve respect.  Turn off the lame and we'll worn out virtue signals and use your big boy words.  You gonna Dom them with memes and Pintrest links too?

 

Subs, I know that's harder for you, and many of you have been hurt, demeaned or ridiculed for speaking your mind in the past. 

Doms, I know some of you do something foolish when new and get a strip or three torn off you by old members who take issue with that.  

 

I know that hurts, and believe me, all of us have moments and days we think "You're all rude/fake/idiots, screw this, I'm outta here..."  Stick around.  Try these;

"I'm sorry, I'm new at this and trying to learn" 

"That hurt me.."

"I need help understanding"

"Why does this happen? What did I do?"

 

Don't attack the crowd.  It's bigger than you, and has rocks and pitchforks. :) 

 

Crowd, you're bigger than them and rocks and pitchforks are for monsters.  Everyone likes a good mob storming, but it scares the new ones off.  Attack Dr. Frankenstein.  Have sympathy for the monster; he just wanted to be a human.  Don't be so quick to attack the ones that come out wrong when they first open their mouths. Not their fault someone used the brain labeled "Abbie someone". ;)

 

Attack the ideas, not the person.  If someone says something you feel is wrong, explain how you've been hurt by it. 

 

Do not gatekeep. No one gives a fuck about who you think is real or true or your generalizations and labels.  It's all here. You don't get to decide who comes into the tent. 

 

If you think someone doesn't fit into your little niche slice of BDSM, cool. That's you putting a barrier up in a little part of the field and saying "No 'x' allowed".  Have fun with that, but know that you're in a tiny roped off corner of a vast field all alone. 

 

It's more fun to climb out of your play fort, stop sulking and throwing rocks and come run through the meadows.  Save the fort for when you're hurt and alone, but remember the Unibomber did that too.  Huddling alone and writing manifestos about all the meanies having fun in the meadow isn't a good look. 

 

If someone makes a point you don't like publically that isn't a personal attack, don't delete comments, block or declare the discussion over.  You aren't fooling anyone.  You wrote that shit, you should be able to defend and explain it or admit that you were wrong.  Again, think about what this says to potential partners.  "Great..this one will just ghost, insult or shut me down when we have our first disagreement". 

 

Also, back to full literacy; if your statement or rebuttal isn't logical or well written, the onus is on you, not the reader to bridge the gaps.

Don't make the rest of us suffer if you struggle with spelling, grammar, logic or reading comprehension.  Don't come to the high stakes table with a bag of pennies and get mad about it.

 

Ooph.  Long one.  Sorry for the rant and snark.  Sometimes my shit stinks.  Tell me why and how so.  No comment deletions or blocking here.  Thanks for listening.

 

-Fud

 

 

 

 

 

2 months ago. Fri 07 Sep 2018 02:30:39 PM IDT

Lately I wonder why I stick around here.  The friends I've made are great comfort, and my advice seems to be useful to those who are new, but my own circumstances seem no further along than when I joined so many months ago.

 

At my worst and darkest moments, all I long for is the simple comfort in a hug, in cuddling with someone who cares for me and understands me.

My primary 'love language' is that of touch.  Although I can communicate quite well with words of affection and acts of service, those seem only to soothe others and leave me unfulfilled. 

 

Others have talked about 'going back' to vanilla after kink, and it seems that with such simple needs I could find comfort there.  I don't see that divide as 'going back'; a good bond feels the same in either world.  BDSM is simply an express route where seeking that deep bond and connection and the delicious kinky pathways to it are understood by both from the start.  I lack the patience and energy to sort through the extra layers of vanilla to find that center.

 

Although I can find those connections easily enough through online kink, the distance is always an issue.  What to do when you can soothe and comfort others there, but can't seem to find that comfort yourself? 

 

Still, I remain. This is a funny and lonely place at times.

 

Canadian alt country outro;

NQ Arbuckle- Cheap Town

 

I come from a cheap town

I eat hot dogs

I waited for so long

and I miss you so much.
 

On a rock bar Tuesday

over drinks under everything

I see you in the corner

Laughing and lonely
 

Maitre' D of a small town 

Bussing tables

Passing out in the schoolyard

With school bells

And a cold rain comin' down.
 

Paint my picture in colour

The roads I know well

Easy rider, sunglasses

In the moonlight you can't tell.
 

I come from a cheap town

I eat hot dogs

and I waited for so long

and I miss you so much.

 

Turn up the guitar

Roll quiet out of town

Punch the lighter

The switchbacks pull me up

Touch down.
 

Lay me out in this big town

Small apartment, bad neighborhood

Hear the wind blow

through the window

Feeling bad, I'm feeling good.
 

I come from a cheap town

I eat hot dogs

I waited for so long

and I miss you so much.

 

I miss you so much,

I miss you so much.

I miss you so much.

I miss you so much.

 

3 months ago. Thu 19 Jul 2018 05:54:26 AM IDT

4 months ago. Mon 25 Jun 2018 08:07:52 PM IDT

Here are a few questions to ask yourself (and them where applicable).   An asterix '*' indicates that this behavior should be a 'Red Flag' and cause for concern.  If they do any of these things, ask them to explain themselves and consider their answers carefully.

 

Do they have a well written profile that appeals to you?

Do they have blogs where they write openly and honestly about their personal experiences?

Do they contribute to forum posts in a meaningful way on a regular basis?

Do they chat in Lobby often, and are they known by others there?

What do other Cage regulars think of them?

Do they only chat with you privately or in a private room?*

Do they listen to your opinions, accept them, and discuss them? (especially if they disagree with them)

Do they talk about themselves, their job, their finances and material trappings at every opportunity?*

Do they brag about previous experiences or expertise?*

If they have decided you are not a good fit for them, do they still keep in touch?

Do they forbid you to ask questions?*

Do they forbid you to talk with other Doms and subs about your experiences?*

Have they ever been banned from this site or any other?*

Have they changed their alias often?*

Do compliments and flattery turn to anger and insults if you question or reject them?*

Do they explain the mechanisms behind BDSM and D/s?

Do they portray themselves as having mystical abilities or being superior to others?*

Are they friendly and accepting of LGBT+ folks?

Did they approach you privately without any reason?*

Did they take the time to find out what you are looking for?

Did they simply assume that you would follow their dynamic?*

Did they call you by a title, demand submission or insist on pics/cam/details from you that made you uncomfortable?*

Does what they say and how they talk to you resonate deeply with you and make you feel safer and stronger, or does it leave you confused and in doubt?

 

These are just some of the questions that submissives should be considering.   This is not a comprehensive list, nor is a Dom with one or two 'Red flags' necissarily an unsuitable match.   The point is to think and question constantly.  Getting swept up in the strong feelings around submitting to someone, or considering it can be dangerously intoxicating for a new submissive.   It's easy to get caught up in that feeling and ignore the logical part of your brain.   

 

Finally, I've said it before and I'll say it again; make friends and talk with other submissives, new and experienced.   Bounce your feelings and concerns off them regularly.   If you're unsure about something, ask someone, ask a few people.  See what answers resonate with you.   Predators hide in the shadows, and sunlight is the best disinfectant there.  If they won't talk publically, or discourage you from doing so, be very cautious. 

 

#audiophile thingy