Could do betterer.

A work in progress featuring stuff and words scraped from the archives and fresh leavings of a perverted odd duck.
3 days ago. Sat 15 Sep 2018 04:02:42 PM IDT

I've had this blog rattling around in brain for a week or so, but just when I thought that I had it down, something related would come up in forums, blogs or private communication and take me off on a tangent. The title changed a few times, and may change again before I'm done writing.

 

Someone wrote in a forum post that we're all here for one thing; to be accepted for who we are.  I suppose that's true, but I think that's a basic human need.  I think we're all here to make connections.  How we try to do that varies greatly from person to person. 

 

Without injecting too much ego into the mix, I think I've done pretty well there, so perhaps my experience and methods will help some.  Obviously I'm writing from the D side of the D/s slash, but I think the ideas are more universal than any role or label.

 

The first thing I did was fill out my profile.  This is the first and most common reference for folks curious about you; take your time and pay attention to detail. 

 

Doms especially; if you're sloppy with grammar and spelling, it says that your communication skills need work.  If you can't use a keyboard properly and with precision, then some may assume that your other brain>hand skills in other areas may be sloppy or lacking too.  Not a good look.  

 

While we're here, Dominant, not Dominate is the title, and illeagle is a sick bird. :)

 

If you're going to call yourself an 'x' Dom, then when I Google "x Dom BDSM" a definition should pop up; otherwise you made that shit up and need to define it further. 

 

If you're in a monogamous relationship, don't like cheaters, and are looking for someone, you need to explain those contradictions. 

Folks assume the worst without it, but have sympathy for dead bedrooms, failed relationships with children involved, and trying to fix something with a partner who won't/can't communicate.

 

I have rarely approached a sub with the intention of starting a relationship; 99% of the time, they approach me.  Why?  Because of something I've written or said in chat, blogs or forums.

 

Point there is that it's easier to let the ones who are curious approach you.  They can't do that if you're a ghost, and the more active you are, the better the chances are of that happening.

 

This is an online medium; the currency here is effective, thoughtful and polite writing.  Being fuctionally literate lets you function; being fully literate lets you florish.  Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.

 

Read the Code of Conduct and Terms of Service.  Read Evangeline's welcome articles.  Understand them (see fully literate above).

 

Understand your own needs and the needs of others, and know that you can have them met here outside of a relationship.  You don't need a Dom/sub to get support or provide it, to learn about BDSM, to enjoy sexual gratification, or to learn how to express yourself.  

 

This is a community of folks who can provide little bits of that casually while you take the time to find the right partner(s) for you.

 

You can meet Doms and subs and have your needs met in an informal, non sexual and social way.  In fact, that's the better way to go about it.  Don't hide and hinder that learning then dump it all on the first unlucky soul who pings your heart; that ain't fair to anyone.

 

Just like writing detail in profiles, it speaks to how you'll be in a relationship. If you can't talk, think, share and deal with your needs and moods socially, you're probably going to suck at it privately too.  Don't make your partner do all the heavy lifting just because they like you enough to put up with that.  It's still a chore.

 

Memes are great fun, but if it's your only method of communication, that's not effective.  "But this spoke to me!!!" Great.  Add a line or two telling us what it said and how it applies to you.

 

SAFE GENERALIZATIONS ABOUT BDSM IN BIG FONTS SAY NOTHING.  I've got a "Hang in there, baby" poster with a cute cat on my dentist's ceiling for that.   Everyone knows BDSM is not abuse and that submissives deserve respect.  Turn off the lame and we'll worn out virtue signals and use your big boy words.  You gonna Dom them with memes and Pintrest links too?

 

Subs, I know that's harder for you, and many of you have been hurt, demeaned or ridiculed for speaking your mind in the past. 

Doms, I know some of you do something foolish when new and get a strip or three torn off you by old members who take issue with that.  

 

I know that hurts, and believe me, all of us have moments and days we think "You're all rude/fake/idiots, screw this, I'm outta here..."  Stick around.  Try these;

"I'm sorry, I'm new at this and trying to learn" 

"That hurt me.."

"I need help understanding"

"Why does this happen? What did I do?"

 

Don't attack the crowd.  It's bigger than you, and has rocks and pitchforks. :) 

 

Crowd, you're bigger than them and rocks and pitchforks are for monsters.  Everyone likes a good mob storming, but it scares the new ones off.  Attack Dr. Frankenstein.  Have sympathy for the monster; he just wanted to be a human.  Don't be so quick to attack the ones that come out wrong when they first open their mouths. Not their fault someone used the brain labeled "Abbie someone". ;)

 

Attack the ideas, not the person.  If someone says something you feel is wrong, explain how you've been hurt by it. 

 

Do not gatekeep. No one gives a fuck about who you think is real or true or your generalizations and labels.  It's all here. You don't get to decide who comes into the tent. 

 

If you think someone doesn't fit into your little niche slice of BDSM, cool. That's you putting a barrier up in a little part of the field and saying "No 'x' allowed".  Have fun with that, but know that you're in a tiny roped off corner of a vast field all alone. 

 

It's more fun to climb out of your play fort, stop sulking and throwing rocks and come run through the meadows.  Save the fort for when you're hurt and alone, but remember the Unibomber did that too.  Huddling alone and writing manifestos about all the meanies having fun in the meadow isn't a good look. 

 

If someone makes a point you don't like publically that isn't a personal attack, don't delete comments, block or declare the discussion over.  You aren't fooling anyone.  You wrote that shit, you should be able to defend and explain it or admit that you were wrong.  Again, think about what this says to potential partners.  "Great..this one will just ghost, insult or shut me down when we have our first disagreement". 

 

Also, back to full literacy; if your statement or rebuttal isn't logical or well written, the onus is on you, not the reader to bridge the gaps.

Don't make the rest of us suffer if you struggle with spelling, grammar, logic or reading comprehension.  Don't come to the high stakes table with a bag of pennies and get mad about it.

 

Ooph.  Long one.  Sorry for the rant and snark.  Sometimes my shit stinks.  Tell me why and how so.  No comment deletions or blocking here.  Thanks for listening.

 

-Fud

 

 

 

 

 

1 week ago. Fri 07 Sep 2018 02:30:39 PM IDT

Lately I wonder why I stick around here.  The friends I've made are great comfort, and my advice seems to be useful to those who are new, but my own circumstances seem no further along than when I joined so many months ago.

 

At my worst and darkest moments, all I long for is the simple comfort in a hug, in cuddling with someone who cares for me and understands me.

My primary 'love language' is that of touch.  Although I can communicate quite well with words of affection and acts of service, those seem only to soothe others and leave me unfulfilled. 

 

Others have talked about 'going back' to vanilla after kink, and it seems that with such simple needs I could find comfort there.  I don't see that divide as 'going back'; a good bond feels the same in either world.  BDSM is simply an express route where seeking that deep bond and connection and the delicious kinky pathways to it are understood by both from the start.  I lack the patience and energy to sort through the extra layers of vanilla to find that center.

 

Although I can find those connections easily enough through online kink, the distance is always an issue.  What to do when you can soothe and comfort others there, but can't seem to find that comfort yourself? 

 

Still, I remain. This is a funny and lonely place at times.

 

Canadian alt country outro;

NQ Arbuckle- Cheap Town

 

I come from a cheap town

I eat hot dogs

I waited for so long

and I miss you so much.
 

On a rock bar Tuesday

over drinks under everything

I see you in the corner

Laughing and lonely
 

Maitre' D of a small town 

Bussing tables

Passing out in the schoolyard

With school bells

And a cold rain comin' down.
 

Paint my picture in colour

The roads I know well

Easy rider, sunglasses

In the moonlight you can't tell.
 

I come from a cheap town

I eat hot dogs

and I waited for so long

and I miss you so much.

 

Turn up the guitar

Roll quiet out of town

Punch the lighter

The switchbacks pull me up

Touch down.
 

Lay me out in this big town

Small apartment, bad neighborhood

Hear the wind blow

through the window

Feeling bad, I'm feeling good.
 

I come from a cheap town

I eat hot dogs

I waited for so long

and I miss you so much.

 

I miss you so much,

I miss you so much.

I miss you so much.

I miss you so much.

 

2 months ago. Thu 19 Jul 2018 05:54:26 AM IDT

2 months ago. Mon 25 Jun 2018 08:07:52 PM IDT

Here are a few questions to ask yourself (and them where applicable).   An asterix '*' indicates that this behavior should be a 'Red Flag' and cause for concern.  If they do any of these things, ask them to explain themselves and consider their answers carefully.

 

Do they have a well written profile that appeals to you?

Do they have blogs where they write openly and honestly about their personal experiences?

Do they contribute to forum posts in a meaningful way on a regular basis?

Do they chat in Lobby often, and are they known by others there?

What do other Cage regulars think of them?

Do they only chat with you privately or in a private room?*

Do they listen to your opinions, accept them, and discuss them? (especially if they disagree with them)

Do they talk about themselves, their job, their finances and material trappings at every opportunity?*

Do they brag about previous experiences or expertise?*

If they have decided you are not a good fit for them, do they still keep in touch?

Do they forbid you to ask questions?*

Do they forbid you to talk with other Doms and subs about your experiences?*

Have they ever been banned from this site or any other?*

Have they changed their alias often?*

Do compliments and flattery turn to anger and insults if you question or reject them?*

Do they explain the mechanisms behind BDSM and D/s?

Do they portray themselves as having mystical abilities or being superior to others?*

Are they friendly and accepting of LGBT+ folks?

Did they approach you privately without any reason?*

Did they take the time to find out what you are looking for?

Did they simply assume that you would follow their dynamic?*

Did they call you by a title, demand submission or insist on pics/cam/details from you that made you uncomfortable?*

Does what they say and how they talk to you resonate deeply with you and make you feel safer and stronger, or does it leave you confused and in doubt?

 

These are just some of the questions that submissives should be considering.   This is not a comprehensive list, nor is a Dom with one or two 'Red flags' necissarily an unsuitable match.   The point is to think and question constantly.  Getting swept up in the strong feelings around submitting to someone, or considering it can be dangerously intoxicating for a new submissive.   It's easy to get caught up in that feeling and ignore the logical part of your brain.   

 

Finally, I've said it before and I'll say it again; make friends and talk with other submissives, new and experienced.   Bounce your feelings and concerns off them regularly.   If you're unsure about something, ask someone, ask a few people.  See what answers resonate with you.   Predators hide in the shadows, and sunlight is the best disinfectant there.  If they won't talk publically, or discourage you from doing so, be very cautious. 

 

#audiophile thingy

 

 

 

 

3 months ago. Sat 09 Jun 2018 04:24:46 PM IDT

 


..and meet folks socially, to flirt, be goofy, do some RP, and generally have fun.  I’m also here looking for serious long term partners. Yet somehow, admitting that first bit about wanting to get off will get you criticized from all sides, be you male or female, Dom or sub.   So folks don’t talk about it. Let’s talk.


People come here with all sorts of backgrounds, experiences and expectations.  We all make the same basic mistake regardless; we assume the rest of the world works like us.  We project our own feelings and history onto new folks and experiences, and when we see something that resembles patterns of behavior that hurt us in the past, prejudice comes out.  


This isn’t judgement or saying that I’m better than that.  I’ve fucked up there and my scars make me wary too. Prejudice and stereotypes help us manage risk.   They’re a way for us to tell our brains that we can avoid getting hurt. While learning from our mistakes and identifying patterns can help there, the hard truth is that opening up means risk, and risk means getting hurt.


The more perverted readers amongst you may be wondering what all this has to do with spanking it on cam; keep rubbing, I’ll get there.


So you’re here for one of the reasons listed above, and you’ve accepted that you can open up and accept the risk of getting hurt.   You’ve found a few friends here, and shared some stories about the past. Someone new is on the radar, and you’d like to interact further...and here comes the fear and anxiety.  What are they after? Will I get hurt? I don’t know, and maybe.


I can’t speak to the actions of others.  I’ve heard more than my share of horror stories and bad experiences there.  I don’t have any general wisdom, advice or guidance beyond the above.

What I can do is be open and honest about how I play there, and share my experiences and perspective.   Strap in, perverts… this is the personal bit.


Do I just want to see you naked?  I’ll answer this like I do in public.  There’s truth behind the joke. Not just, but damned right I want to see you naked.  Y’all are some sexy folks, and I’m a curious pervert.  I’m not going to apologize for that. Is it my sole motivation? Nope, never.  I’ve got a wide choice of body types to explore thanks to the wonders of modern internet pornography.  But if you’re an interesting person, I want to know more about you, and that often includes what your body looks like.


You’re just saying that…   Fair enough.  I get that a lot, and it’s not something a simple denial will dismiss.  There are some serious trust and self esteem issues tied up in revealing yourself to a stranger.  I take the time to talk about those areas, listen and find out where folks have been hurt in the past and what their fears are.   Yep, still want to see you naked. I also want you to be comfortable about that.


You’re just going to jerk off…  Actually, no.   This one may come as a shock, but it’s pretty rare for me to masturbate live, on camera or not, and I don’t save nudes and spank it to my collection later.   Do nude and erotic pictures arouse me? Hell yes. See above, y’all sexy. This is a dance, a game. A flirt with control and teasing. It’s about learning, earning trust and sharing arousal.  Sometimes people cum when they do that. More often than not, it doesn’t go that far. Orgasms mean the game is over, and things resolve into sexual release. All parties involved can do that solo with no issues.  The fun and the game is in sharing that with someone you trust.


So this is all just a game to you?   Once again, not just.  Damned right it’s a game.  Flirting and seduction are skills.  Get gud, n00b. :D But here’s the thing.  Games are play. I don’t play with people I don’t like. If I like someone, I find them interesting and care about them.  If I’ve played with someone and seen them happy, I don’t like to see them sad, and I’ll reach out and use the bond we’ve built in play to check in, listen and support.  No flirt, just a friend checking in on a friend. That’s not a game. That’s a person caring about a person. That’s the heart of things that keeps it healthy.


You’re just a collector/player/fake…  Ahh, labels.  See above about stereotyping and prejudice based on past experience.  Let’s see… fake, insta, kind, asshole, sweet, dangerous, sexy, loser, big teddy bear, friend, pervert, nice.  And that’s just what I’ve been called on Cage. :)

I’ll own up to most of that, but first I’ll ask you to define any of those.  There’s no standard definition; most of the negative ones are just ‘placeholder’ words for ‘something that resembles that which has hurt me in the past…’  Fair enough. Talk behaviors, not labels. “X” is a “****”... great, that tells me nothing. “X” did ‘y’ which made me feel like ‘z’.. That’s a statement that’s precise, personal and relatable.  Want to call me out like that, I’ll own it openly and honestly every time. Want to throw a label at me? Ok.. but it doesn’t help discussion.


You’re going to disappear as soon as you cum…  First, see above about not cumming that often.  Second, I get that. I really do. Believe it or not, I’ve been there.  Yes, I’ve shared my pics and my voice for strangers, and I’ve had a few experiences where I’ve done that unreciprocated and never heard another word from my partner.   It’s unsettling to say the least. Who did I just show my dick to? Were they who they said they were? What are they going to do? Who knows, maybe, and I don’t care.  I did what I did and I have to live with it. What I don’t to is let the unknown hold me back going forward. I trusted before, I’ll trust again, but the fear is there, the anxiety is real,  and I try to manage it.


I manage those fears in myself but not wasting my time obsessing over things I have no control over and will never know, like the identity, motivation and actions of those that have ghosted me. It happens, it sucks.


I manage those fears in others through this one weird trick… (thanks Buzzfeed)


I stick around afterward.  Not doing this seems to be a common mistake. In my experience, if someone has just done and said some dirty, degrading, sexy things on camera to the point of cumming in front of a stranger, they’re usually feeling a bit vulnerable.  This is where aftercare comes in, and yes, it needs to happen online too. It’s not never a chore for me, quite the opposite. I need it too. I need to feel human, loved and wanted beyond just being the dark monster that growls nasty things in someone’s ear, just as someone that’s done some very intimate and submissive things needs to feel like they’re more than just an anonymous object for pleasure.   Those silly gentle moments afterward where I feel like the rest of the world has faded away and my partner and I are looking into each other’s eyes, spent, happy and relaxed are awesome. The Daddy Dom and the human in me who just wants to be loved and cared for love that part the best.*


*The ALPHASIGMAMEGADOM in me wishes to deny all existence of feelings or weakness. GRRR!  BIG SCARY DOM! YOU OBEY ME! I AM AN UNFEELING MEAT UBERPOPSICLE!!!.**


**that guy is an idiot.  Fun for playing with, but ignore him.***


*** SHUT UP.  GRR.****


****Did I mention I’m goofy?


Where do the folks you play with fit into your life?  Good fucking question.  I’ve tried to answer, limit and define this in the past.   My truth and experience now is that I don’t know. A simple casual chat can turn into a serious IRL relationship, and things that start with that intent and great passion can also crumble and fall apart as needs, compatibility and circumstances change or grow.


All I can do is be open and honest with those I do interact with, and listen and learn from them. I know where things have fallen apart in the past, and I try to share those mistakes and experiences if I see things heading in that direction, but I’ve given up making assumptions.  I have the time, energy and skill to care about the people in my life, new and old, casual and serious. It’s a balancing act. Shit happens. Things change.


I’m Fudbar.  Sometimes, I’m here to get off.  Judge me not by my actions, but by the quality of the women I’ve known and cared about.   I’ll let them cast judgement on me any day.   


If anyone else has any questions, comments or differences of opinion, I welcome them, good and bad.   See my comments about labels above if you’d like to discuss things. I don’t take differences of opinion personally.  I don’t delete comments I don’t like. If you think I’m not being open and honest or you see flaws in my approach, you might be right, and I’m willing to listen and learn.    


I don’t mentor.  I don’t teach. I share.


Thanks for listening,


Fud

Music thingy for those #audiophiles..

4 months ago. Fri 18 May 2018 06:31:08 PM IDT

A kinky sun rises on Cagetown fair,

Revealing the kinksters who play and talk there.


There’s Paddy and Floggy and Ouchy and Boo,

Stiff Caney and Mr Anal Plug too!


Miss Spanky is flouncing her rear end with joy,

As Sir Grouchy just frowns and strokes kinky toys.


Swish Switchy bounces hither and fro,

Maybe she’ll cum, or maybe she’ll go.


Some single, some double, some even in pairs,

Babygirl drama and torrid affairs.


The tricksters the hucksters, some lacking upstairs,

All stumble and fumble and pedal their wares.


Come join me, I’ll beat you, it’s not what it seems,

I’ll tickle your fancies and fondle your dreams.


There’s clashes and crashes and plenty of ghosts,

Just check check your PM’s for the dicks and the boasts.


Or pick up your camera, on a whim or a dare,

And snap sexy body parts with the wind in your hair.


Write fiction or feelings or think about lunch,

Someone will tell you to go to a munch.


Get kinky, get freaky, get down and get out,

But never forget that there’s others about.


Some silly, some serious, maybe some right for you,

Watching you watching them, not having a clue.


The young ones seek labels and wish they were sinners,

The old ones just smile and think about dinner.


Some shy, some angry, some sad, some bold,

Some like the telling, others do what they’re told.


So pick up a paddle, or follow a spark,

Cagetown gets interesting after dark.


The whites of scared eyes and the chuckles of foes,

Candle light shines on wax dripping below.


Drops stinging and burning on sensitive spots,

Bring hisses of pain and the weaving of knots.


A bite and a growl, flesh quivers in fear

Anticipation, sensations draw near.


The sound of the whip and the feel of the wheel,

Hard steel and stiff leather force bodies to yield.


The prey and the predator come here to dance,

Their minds intermingle, a mental romance.


Then kissing and licking and sucking, oh my.

You might shudder a bit if you’re terribly shy.


Pain follows pleasure, lust wrestles with joy,

A motion, an orifice, a whisper, a toy.


Go faster, go harder, slow down but don’t stop,

Now I’m on the bottom and you’re on the top.


Squealing and squirming, wet, willing and wild,

Innocent minds now beguiled and defiled.


Then cumming and going, then cumming some more.

Spent sweaty and sated they fall to the floor.


To cuddle and whisper, to share and to scheme,

Entangling warm bodies and sweet kinky dreams.


Now it’s quiet in Cagetown and I bid you adieu,
(and in case you were wondering, its not about you...)



*drops mic*


:P

5 months ago. Sun 15 Apr 2018 04:03:27 PM IDT

wondering

 

whether winter blooms

sowing ice, harvesting wind

or perhaps dormant still

delicate bulbs sleep

awaiting the warm kiss of spring

 

does this frost of late

so cold and cruel

portent the last gasp

as seasons change

 

or does the green bud suffer

thin tendrils

still and starved

limp and lifeless

 

faint hope lost

before it was ever touched

by the light of day

no memory of the sun

 

I wake and await

cold frozen crust

warm within

and feel the glow.

 

 

 

 

6 months ago. Mon 12 Mar 2018 04:11:22 PM IST

No heros, no saviors, no servants, no slaves, no messiahs.  Just people.