Thoughts of a Bottom

1 week ago. Sun 15 Apr 2018 06:42:09 PM IDT

Last night I went to a birthday party. It was a play party and by the time I got there (at around 8), I’d been up since 7, worked 8 hours (including watching a guy get held down, yelling, for shoplifting and the cops called), and waited 45 minutes for my housemates to pick me up from the Starbucks catty corner to my work when I could have taken the bus and been there already. I was done but I got them presents, dammit. Friday was the first night I’d gone to a munch in months because boyfriend and I have very much been in NRE and I haven’t had the energy. I’d felt disconnected from everyone then and I felt it at the party. I got food, loved on their dog, and just kinda stayed in one area. I took the dog downstairs and had her sit on my lap when she kept trying to interrupt  a scene. We’re buddies from me house sitting last year. She listens to me a little bit better than her parents. 


My Sadists got to the party at 11:30. I say “my” very loosely but they’re the only two I allow to hurt me. There was a tearing off of my leggings that had a hole in them, in between lots of pain, cause they’re assholes. One of the other Tops had told me the night before that he and my primary play partner no longer share people because primary play partner doesn’t share well. Apparently the discussion was about everyone but me but I don’t play with that Top so it makes sense. I was told because I play with him regularly. 


I was still processing the above and hesitant to do anything with him (because I look up to him and I pretty much play just with him). I helped move his toy box downstairs  and resisted the urge to cuddle with him on the couch. I didn’t follow him when he and his girl went into the garage. I was asked what he was doing and I shrugged and said I didn’t know. He found me upstairs and told me I should go say hi to her. I did, there was a brief discussion of play, and I went upstairs because I didn’t want to be around him. My boyfriend got texts about how I wished I was at a party where he wasn’t. It took until I was leaving that he told me he missed me, I told him that was his fault because he kept ignoring my texts, and he said things were crazy before I realized I was genuinely pissed at him. It’s a shitty excuse. He will make the time if he wants to. He’s done it for me before. He’s had one of his employees keep the front door of his business unlocked after he closed because I was coming (he also stayed when he could have left because I was coming). I go out of my way for him semi often. I think I may be done. 



1 month ago. Fri 09 Mar 2018 10:18:12 AM IST

Back in January I went on my first date with the guy who is now my boyfriend. This was after a week or two of talking online. I brought up me being kinky in a roundabout way—I talked about doing fire with a friend, knowing it’s not necessarily kinky. Eventually I confessed it all to him. He didn’t judge. Told me he was interested in being tied up. I told him he has no say in who I do things with. He supported the choice. Regardless I told him the stuff I did at the last play party (although not with who cause I wasn’t given that consent) and he knows about my attempts to find a female partner. I told him yesterday I’m gonna talk to my main play partner about having some sort of actual dynamic and we discussed that he wouldn’t want the sort of control I sometimes need to let go of. 


Last night we were out on a date and literally ran into the kid of my first ex. This ex died about a year ago. Their mom came over and we talked about grief and him and some other stuff before we all went down to where the library was doing a concert. He was wonderful about it. I wasn’t particularly myself after that random meeting because it brought up feelings I thought I’d let go of. I’m not ready to fall apart in front of him yet. 

My main play partner has seen me in almost every mood. I have no qualms about breaking down in front of him. I cuddle with him and his girlfriend when we play and I spend the night. His cat knows me. He knows what my anxiety looks like—the head shaking, the twitching, the panic attacks. It took a lot of trust built, mostly since the ex died. 


My boyfriend? In the almost two months we’ve been seeing each other is aware I have an anxiety disorder. He knows about my ex passing. He doesn’t know those little things because he’s only ever seen me tackle shit head on (or avoid them completely). I worry about that especially cause I’m meeting his friends and their kid tomorrow night. I’ve been to his house what will be three times now. 


I know the relationships are completely different and I also recognize all of my romantic relationships have included at least some kink. This one doesn’t beyond going to munches together.



4 months ago. Mon 18 Dec 2017 10:25:24 AM IST

I went to the person mentioned previously about doing regularish beatings to help me release shit. I didn’t get an answer until today but I cracked up when he mentioned something related to him and his partner so I knew that the horrible feeling of rejection with him was gone. 

After he agreed, we discussed scheduling. Life is busy. His and mine. I don’t actually really think we got any of it figured out other than it will be on a day I work, probably much earlier (like one am when I have to leave for work eight hours from then). He was at the “let’s set an appointment” part. At the current moment we’re discussing vanilla things. 

I discussed the regularish beatings idea with friends. I kinda just want to send out a mass text to those I trust in the scene and ask their opinions. I’ll text a few tomorrow. What do you guys think? Is it healthy or unhealthy? Edited to add: While this was more of a general question based on the what I wrote above, more specific is I have a long history of anxiety disorders and I struggle to handle/deal with a good amount of emotions. I haven’t been in regular therapy since I was 19 or 20 and the person I am now is not who I was then. 


4 months ago. Sat 09 Dec 2017 02:09:30 AM IST

Earlier this week I made a list on why I play with my main play partner and why I struggle with it. In a moment of weakness after a long day of work and dealing with my ex during my breaks, I texted to ask if we could talk about something. He has always been willing to help me sort stuff out in my head and has been probably the healthiest male figure I have in my life. In fact, it was because of playing with him the day before Thanksgiving that allowed me the clarity to break up with my ex--impromptu cathartic play can do that, apparantly--and it was something I'd been struggling with for weeks. I didn't know how to talk about the stuff directly so I asked if I could just send him the list. He agreed. I edited the list before I sent it.

We talked about all of it. I told him I was concerned that I hadn't cried since our play and I was worried it was unhealthy because I've always been someone who wears her emotions on her sleeve. Working in customer service I have had to fight back tears in front of others when I've had rude customers or nothing is going right and I make simple mistakes. He gave me another perspective. That by allowing the tears in play, I was taking their control away and allowing them on my terms instead of when they showed up. 

Eventually, we got to the edited part. I trust him to push me and I was tired of holding it in. I told him about my crush on him--after making sure that there wasn't a chance it would affect my friendship with him or his girlfriend (who I adore and vice versa). I'm a chicken shit and did it by text. I asked if he knew about it and he said he suspected but never assumed. Me being me, I was more concerned about he and her than me, and he said he'd tell her but it wouldn't be a big deal. I asked how I dealt with feeling awkward around them and he said he didn't know. 

Last night, I talked to my housemate about it. She helped me realize the stuff I kinda knew all along. My crush on him isn't because I want to date him. He works too much and doesn't get to spend enough time with his girlfriend as it is. I have dated a workaholic and I don't want to go through that again. A lot of it is because he's a genuinely good guy. He was the first one to suspend me, the first to let me try impact. A month or so after the man who brought me into the local scene here died, he reached out to me and allowed me a safe space to process it through pain. He let me sob and tell stories and lean against him after the scene. Even now I still go to him to talk about him. He is the only one I trust fully to beat me because I feel safe with him and that alone is something because I struggle to trust people and I've never had that sense of complete safety before. He calls me out on my shit and tells me when to stop letting my anxiety take control. He's helped me process things more often than I can count. 

We talked a little today. I told him that we can't play for a while, even though that hurts almost as bad as the rejection I knew would come did. I poke him and he causes me pain; it's been that way for more than a year now. He'd previously said that our friendship came before the play dynamic we have so I knew he'd understand. He said that he'd trust me to let him know when we could play again.

It's hard not to tell him stuff. Usually I go to him for advice but obviously this is different. We have a weekly munch tonight that is the only munch I'm able to make it to so I know I'll at least see his girlfriend but I may miss him entirely since I have to leave at 10:30 to get home and he'll be working til at least 10. I don't see him otherwise unless I make the effort to visit his place of work so that's good.

I think it's time for me to start playing with people that aren't him. I have other play partners but I rarely see or play with them. Maybe it's time I do.