Into the Void

i realize there is no one definition/explanation as to the meaning of serving another person, even within the confines of lifestyle members.  Not only is there a myriad of examples of service, at least as many forms of servants exist.  For years, i believed wholeheartedly that the Man should be the household leader.  i subscribe to the belief that the Man held the leadership position, while the woman was His partner.  To a degree in the vanilla world, this may be the situation.  However, it still felt as if i were leading in the relationship.

i discovered that my submission to a Man delves even deeper.  i began the transformation from an independent woman to a submissive.  The very idea of surrendering any control to another person is unnerving, as it appears to restrain freedom our gender had finally achieved.  Still, my emotions and thoughts enjoyed a freedom previously never known.  Entrusting major decisions, and even some minor decisions, to the Man gives Him dominance over areas of my life.  As such, i began to revert to the protected child, able to enjoy life with a new carefree freedom.

Still, i would attempt to regain the control i had previously granted.  It was so obvious, yet it took years, mistakes, and working with different Dominants to realize the actual issue:  i wasn’t a submissive, i'm a special form of slave.  Once the trust has been established, and i can acknowledge ownership by that special Dom, i willingly choose to surrender completely control.  This control isn’t limited to my sexuality.  Rather, it transcends to all aspects of my life.

To address a Man as Master, knowing He has chosen me as His property is the ultimate relationship goal i could ever hope to gain.  It’s not forced slavery i seek.  Instead, it is a slavery of choice.  i choose to offer my total and complete submission to Him to use at His discretion.  In return, He offers His protection, His compassion, His sadism, His ownership, and potentially His love.  i choose to serve Him with every aspect of my existence, while He chooses to own me as His priceless possession.  In my slavery, i serve His every need and desire.  In His ownership, He serves my base requirement for protection, guidance, structure, and discipline. W/we exchange O/our offerings to bind the commitment between us.

In education, students typically need an explanation for actions. 

For grammar, they want to know why you use a punctuation mark or why you don’t capitalize certain words.

For science, they want to know why certain chemicals are safe to combine or why creatures belong to different classifications.

For history, they want to know why events affected war outcomes or why battles were necessary to resolve issues.

For mathematics, they want to know why you add this time, but divide the next time.

In a relationship, the individuals typically need an explanation for actions.

For a display of interest, the other party wants to know why the interest is there.

For a promise of commitment, each party wants to know why he/she has been chosen above others.

For a betrayal of trust, the hurt party wants to know why the infidelity was desired.

For a choice of the future of the relationship, each party wants to know why the agreed upon path was chosen.

In a dynamic, the sub learns many lessons as a result of an action with no explicit explanation.

For a period of silence, the sub is forced to learn to trust the Dom not to abandon her.

For a physical punishment, the sub is exposed to the physical pain and humiliation that her Dom experiences from her disobedience.

For a scene of sexual gratification for her Dom, the sub is reminded of her place to service her man first and foremost.

For the honor of wearing his collar, the sub acknowledges it is a reward of obedience and proper respect for her Dom.

While an explanation may be required in virtually all areas of the vanilla world, it is the absence of explanation that seems to provide the greatest lessons for subs to serve their Doms to the best of their ability.

     i've been in such a dark dismal place recently, that i truly thought i'd never see daylight again.  i have tried, but failed repeatedly.  i tried to making changes, but it never seemed to accomplish anything.  As my friends know, i had totally given up  i didn't think it was possible for me any longer.  i've been a sex toy.  i've been married (and divorced).  i've been a friend.  The magical combination of a romantic relationship and strong dynamic seemed to elude me.  Now, my age is one more negative factor.  It's no wonder that the combination of my emotions with life was too much for me to handle.

     Then, i met Someone.  Someone Who desires me.  All of me.  i don't even know how to act.  When i speak, i sound as if my brain has taken a permanent vacation.  W/we're learning each other, and i'm discovering that i truly do want to be His.  i want to be His property, His love, His girl, and His slave.  There's an inherent trust in him that draws me in.  i can't describe how i feel at this moment.  i feel like a princess.  He's the best thing that has ever happened to me.  We have actual conversations.  He truly wants to know about me.  i can feel hope finally returning.  It's a feeling i haven't had in so long.  i hope it doesn't end.  i hope that W/we create the ideal relationship/dynamic for the two of U/us.  i hope to have the opportunity to serve Him.  i hope to show i am a good girl.  i want Him to be proud to add me to His collection of loved possessions.  

     While i am still terrified of the potential of completely ruining this wonderful connection, i hope that i will finally succeed.  i don't want this to end.

     i know i sound like i'm rambling, but that's exactly how my brain is going at this moment.  i have clearer thoughts, but way more muddled ability to convey them intelligently.  i know He will read this blog, and i do hope He feels honored by it.