vasubmama

Into the Void

Into the Void. Exactly where my feelings go.
Into the Void. Exactly where I disappear.
Into the Void. Exactly where my relationships progress.
Into the Void. Exactly where you anticipate the origins of monsters.
Into the Void. Exactly where my worth has slid.
Into the Void. Exactly where my success is found.
Into the Void. Exactly where I should return.

Undesired, Unwanted, Unloved

1 week ago. November 11, 2024 at 6:01 PM

I know this will turn away any potentials that may be out there. That's OK, it wouldn't take long before they would run for the hills anyway. That is, IF they even were to give me a chance in the first place! Don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of people tell me that I'm entirely too picky. Well, let's think about this for a minute. If we didn't list our preferences and desires, Doms would wind up with Doms and subs with subs. Not to mention that the possibility of anything long-term (or short-term, if that's what is desired) would be impossible to achieve.

I truly thought that I was being reasonable with my desires. Evidently, I was wrong. I'm constantly told that I need to rethink my desires and preferences. I can't understand why my choices are wrong or too restrictive, while others are adamant regarding their choices and defend them to the grave. Those people are admired for remaining true to themselves. Yet, I am treated as if I am the devil if I do the same.

I find that the only place I remotely come close to belonging is in the "friend zone." I do have a Dom friend whom I have never met, but he has shown he cares more about me than either of my two ex-husbands. It would have been nice if we had been able to develop something, but we are seeking two polar opposite types of relationships. I had begun conversing with one Dom, but my size is a complete turn-off for him. Others just haven't had the chemistry for the romantic vanilla relationship that I desperately need to coincide with the dynamic. I don't cope well with someone that immediately attempts to dominate me.

So, I sit here, convinced more than ever before that I am unworthy of love or desire or being wanted by anyone. I am now wrestling the undesirable (go figure) fate that is now my life: proceeding to the grave becoming more and more alone. My father and my daughter is my only family. My father's health isn't great, so each day I feel the necessity to prepare my heart and mind for his passing. My daughter (I'm so very proud of her) is in her junior year of college. She is succeeding in beginning her own life and traveling her own road. I have me, and that doesn't say much. I had hoped that I would be working toward a relationship with the right man by this point. However, I have been shown that it isn't the direction of my life. I detest this road, yet I have NO say in it.

Undesired, Unwanted, Unloved....those are my descriptors that more accurately describe who I am than my chosen screen name.

Spanks hard(dom male){Looking } - I know what you mean young lady I have been there too

1 week ago

LaVieEnRose(sub female){Kintsugi} - I have felt this exact way; it felt like I was screaming into the void wondering why I wasnt good enough, whats was wrong with me? But then I stopped and looked at myself. I started living for me, I stopped apologising for what I wanted and when I did that, its when I found my Sir 💜

1 week ago

vasubmama - Congratulations! I wish I had your ability. Unfortunately, I don't think my Sir is out there.

1 week ago

LaVieEnRose(sub female){Kintsugi} - I used to say those exact words and I can guarantee you so have many other submissives. I don’t mean put a kibosh on your narrative and your feelings but what you are saying has been said by many others.

For my whole life i watched those around me finding what they wanted, vanilla mostly until I finally accepted who I was inherently. And then for years I watched others gushing about their wonderful dynamics, wondering about where was mine?

You have the ability to do what I and so many others have done but you have to be in the right head space to do it. But you have to do that for yourself and only you can get yourself to that point. Its whether you want it enough to do the work to get there

1 week ago

vasubmama - My issue lies in the fact that I have had entirely too many males in my life demonstrate just how true these adjectives are for me. Don't misunderstand, I am thankful for my friends. It's just I'm tired of the aching that I feel when I hear how they have found their perfect soulmate, and I have to accept the fact that it is the truth.

1 week ago

LaVieEnRose(sub female){Kintsugi} - Again no offence meant but it may be taken, all I’m hearing are excuses. Again I had a point where I had many Dom friends and saw them building dynamics and building relationships. One of them I was deeply in love with but watching him build his dynamic and relationships was heart breaking. Only YOU have the ability to control the changes you want, no one else. I fully believe you attract the energy you put out, if you believe you are no good for someone and only good enough to be their friend then that is what you’ll attract. But again its all up to yourself

1 week ago

DoseofCam(sub female){Collared} - It’s tough to feel like everyone finds love except you. It’s even harder to put on a happy face and celebrate your friends’ new relationships while you’ve been patiently waiting for your own story to unfold. I won’t say that finding that perfect person is guaranteed, but I will say that you are not unwanted, undesirable, or unloved. There are people who genuinely care about you, who want you around and value your presence. It might not come from the person you long for, but it’s still proof that you are loved and valued.

Sometimes, changing your perspective can help you see that you are more cherished than you realize. Yesterday, I watched The Prince of Egypt, and my Daddy shared with me the story of how the people wandered the desert for 40 years before reaching the promised land, a journey that should have taken just 11 days. They weren’t ready, and maybe, in the same way, the right person is out there, waiting and wondering just like you are. But perhaps, neither of you is fully ready yet.

So in the meantime, be patient. While you wait, take the time to heal, love, and find value in yourself. Be your own protector, your own hero. Know your worth so that when the right person does come along, you’ll both be ready to embrace each other openly and fully.

1 week ago

Heero(dom male) - I'm very proud of you 🥰

1 week ago

vasubmama - I have no words that adequately thank you for your message. At my age, you would think I would be an expert at dealing with loneliness and life in general. Unfortunately, I'm only in the second year of attempting to navigate life alone. My daughter is a junior in college and developing her own life. My father's health is failing. I'm an only child, as is my daughter. My Mom was such a beacon helping me to navigate life. I guess I'm just missing her more than I thought. I don't know.

In any case, your kind and thoughtful words have renewed a bit of hope in my life. Thank you.

1 week ago

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