Savida

There seems to be a bit of confusion about how classification in the animal kingdom works, so I’m happy to help clear that up.

Examples of walruses: 

From Hakai Magazine: https://www.hakaimagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/walrus-banner.jpg

From Marler Blog: https://www.marlerblog.com/files/2017/07/walrus-04-300x200.jpg

From the New York Post: https://thenypost.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/unnamed2.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&w=618&h=410&crop=1

Things that are not walruses (pay attention, this will be on the test): 

Human beings of any gender, regardless of what size they are or how much they weigh. 

Signed, 

A beautiful, desirable woman with an abundance of people who want to spend time with her, date her, fuck her and do delightfully, deliciously kinky things to her. 

Many people like to say that they value diversity, that they welcome and appreciate all opinions, they they are an open, accepting book. It’s the sort of thing we are supposed to say, and it sounds good, and makes us feel good to think we are indeed that way. 

But to value diversity, to welcome it, is to engage with it. To try to find out more, to understand the person and their viewpoint. It's not enough to just repeat platitudes.

If people genuinely care about diversity in any form (which applies to multiple categories--gender, race, ideology just to name a few), then they have to make an active effort to educate themselves, to learn more, to ask questions, to be willing to revise and refine the way they think and interact in the face of realizing that the world isn't just limited to YOUR world, that other people have experiences you never thought about. Including people doesn't happen by magic, it doesn't happen overnight--it's a process that requires effort and action.

If you don't want to take part in that process, if you don't want to put in the effort, then fine, your choice, and I'd say, your loss. But if that's the case, be honest about it. To yourself and others. To say you value diversity if you won't even make an attempt to engage and understand is, in my view, a dishonest thing to do.

I see this sort of thing all over the internet, and in the physical world too, and I find it incredibly frustrating. Many have noted that I've not been around as much in the past month or so. There's a lot of reasons for that, some wonderful, some not so wonderful, and the preponderance of this kind of irritating crap is firmly on the side of the not so wonderful.

Disclaimer: I use "you" in the general sense, not to specifically target or point out anyone.

I recently ran upon this post on another site and have been wanting to share it here for a while, as I think it's something that runs rife in communities of all kinds in all kinds of places--this one is no excpetion. I really wanted people here to see it at as well--a lot of this writing contains concepts I've tried to express for months but never managed to put so well into words.

I am grateful that the writer of this insightful, intersting post, Sara Scalper, has granted me their permission to share their wonderful writing here,so long as it is attributed and linked. If you are able to read the post through the link, I beg you to do so, and to leave comments there and show this person love there where they can see it and enjoy the credit they so deserve. 

Link here.

Consent violations and the fallacy of kindness by SaraScalper

11-17-2018

TW: sexual abuse/assault, consent violations

I am always stupefied when I see someone in this community whom I consider to be an overall ethical, well-intentioned person defend a known repeat consent violator. It stops me in my tracks. I have seen people who have spoken out vehemently against predators backpedal on everything they've said before when it turns out someone close to them has harmed multiple people. I have seen people who posit themselves as consent advocates and strong allies to victims continue to associate with, play with, or date people about whom at least half a dozen people have reported consent violations.

I kind of understand it. If someone commits A consent violation, it's important not to shun or vilify them if they are willing to learn from their mistakes/make amends, as doing that straight off the bat creates a culture where people cannot admit their fuck-ups and leads to more silencing of those who've experienced violations. And if someone I am close to had A person report to me that they violated their consent, I wouldn't want to just cut this person I care about out of my life, I would want to talk with them, help them "get it." I might even have a hard time believing the person who reported, because we as humans inherently believe those we're closer to over others. But, BUT, if half a dozen people came to me stating that someone I'm close to violated their consent, I wouldn't just stand by that person and state that they were innocent. I wouldn't say, "Well, they've changed," or, "Well, they didn't mean to." I would do my damnedest to confront the person and address the issues, and would cut ties if they victim-blamed, half-heartedly apologized, etc. The inactivity, the being complicit, is the part that I have a hard time understanding.

But, then again, not really. Because I work with victims of sexual abuse, DV, and sexual assault every day. One of my areas of specialization as a therapist involves helping those who've experienced sexual/relationship trauma. And almost every single one of these people was either silenced by family members or friends when they came out with their abuse experiences, had their experiences questioned by people they believed cared about them, or had those who were supposed to protect them stand aside while they were being abused. All of these people have been so hurt by having their experiences negated, quieted, or outright denied by those they believed loved them. And we talk about how "good people" could act in this way, and the answer is the same every goddamn time.

The fallacy of kindness.

Humans love shortcuts when it comes to thinking, because life is hard and stressful. We have a tendency to categorize, box, define other people very quickly and easily based on limited experiences with them. That person gave you a dirty look? Bad. That person bought you a coffee? Good. This is an oversimplification, for sure, but when it comes down to it someone can do all the nice things but, if they are not doing them to/for you, they are often defined as not being a "good/nice" person. On the flip side, someone who has spent their time and energy doing kind things for you IS a "good person," despite what others' experiences might say to the contrary.

When people discover someone they care about has been doing "bad things" to other people, they oftentimes engage in denial about the behavior. This is for two reasons. The first is that they have a difficult time reconciling their conception of who this person is with what they have done. The second (and bigger) reason is that it causes them to question their judgment, their ideas of what the world is like. This is very frightening to people, so, rather than take the time to challenge their perceptions, to understand WHY someone who could be so good to them could be so horrid to someone else, they instead pretend the "bad" behavior has not happened or make excuses or justifications for it. Tale as old as time.

BUT, remember, serial killers don't shit where they eat. This is not a literal statement, obviously-what I mean is that, left in the wake of every person in this world who has done the kind of horrendous shit that makes most of what we deal with in the kink scene pale in comparison, there is a group of people going, "What? It couldn't be him. He brought me groceries every Sunday/volunteered at my church/sang in my chorus." People who do bad things, even REALLY bad things, can still have nuance, because, at the end of the day (and I've said this before), humans aren't monsters. Are people like serial killers as close to monsters as you get? Abso-friggin'-lutely. But they're still technically people, so maybe they have a pet they take care of, have a grandma whose house they clean, have an auntie who they walk across the street. Maybe they do these things because, though so much of them is tainted, there's a part that still cares about someone or something. Or maybe they know that, if they show a modicum of caring to some people, people in general are less likely to suspect them of engaging in unspeakable behaviors and they can get away with them for longer. Look at Gacy. Look at Bundy. Look at Shipman.

I think most people in the kink community who are repeat consent violators, who harm others but still have people they hold near and dear, are able to care about people, because most of the ones I've met have a hard time viewing their actions as wrong or lack the insight to see that they're harming others. I don't believe most of them hold people near and dear to them because they want an alibi...but I believe some of them do. Regardless of why these people maintain good relationships with others, they do, because EVERY HUMAN HAS SOME. What is problematic is when we allow these positive connections to blind us to their not-so-positive behavior and to excuse it. Every "good person" who stands beside or behind a serial consent violator despite repeat violations is enabling them to continue their behavior, whether we want to/realize it or not. This is why it's important to not allow ourselves to have our perceptions shaped by the fallacy of kindness, but rather by an ideology of consistency. Is the person you're close to a person who is not only kind to you but is viewed positively by the community at large, welcome in a variety of spaces, has positive connections with people of all stripes? Fab. But if the person you're close to has a mixed reputation, if multiple people report that they are not careful/kind to them or have harmed them in some way, it is time to start questioning whether the fallacy of kindness has blindfolded you, gagged you, and tied your hands behind your back without your consent.

After the appalling treatment I received at the beginning of this month, and the unexpected sweetness it’s ended with...discovering this song yesterday was just....perfect.

Without knowing how absurd things could get...could I fully appreciate the beauty of the present? The lessons I had to learn hurt, but I’m glad I’m wiser now and seeing the world with sharper eyes. 

BITTER WITH THE SWEET

by Carole King

Sometimes I'm tired and I wonder
what's so all-fired important
About being someplace at some time
Oh, but I don't really mind
Cause I could be on Easy Street
and I know that
You've got to take the bitter with the sweet

I guess it gets to everyone,
you think you're not having fun
And you wonder what you're doing
playing the games you play
Hey, well, it's true what they say
If you want to feel complete
don't you know that
You've got to take the bitter with the sweet

 A friend of mine once told me
And I know he knows all about feelin' down
He said everything good in life
you've got to pay for
But feelin' good is what you're
paving the way for

So, don't let it get you down, my friend
though it seems the blues will never end
On this you can depend, they always do
And I can tell you that it's true
it's a feeling that can't be beat
And you've got to do it
You've got to take the bitter with the sweet

Would you make a liar of me? Do you really want me on my knees calling you "Sir" if I can't mean it? If I can only do it with bitterness and a sense of wrongness in my gut? Don't you want my knees to weaken and bend because I want to, FOR you?

Is it not sweeter to know I'm calling you "sir" or "Daddy" or whatever is you want to hear because I mean it down to the depths of my soul? How can you tell me I'm attractve to you for being genuine, then get mad at me when I won't let you make a liar of me?

How can you salivate over my "integrity" then walk off in a huff when it turns out that said integrity actually exists and is intact? 

The thing you fail to realize, the reason you'll never be treated to the sight of me on my knees for you is because you're too much an idiot, asshole, or both to realize that our titles don't create bonds between us. We do. 

Note: Written last month after a series of frustrating conversations with a certified douche canoe.

I'll never go back to him. But I think about him all the time. Everything about us was wrong, except for the part where he understood that submission was the deepest need I've ever had and he knew just what to do with it. That all I needed was for someone to tell me that it was alright, the way I felt and what I wanted had a home. He turned the key and opened a door than I can never close. 

I find myself having a bad day, and I think of him. But it's not him I miss. It's not really him I crave. Its the fulfillment I felt on my knees with his cock in my mouth. It's the sting of his hand on my ass, the way I thought I didn't like it but he knew that I would, he knew I'd get to the point where I'd ask to be spanked, and choked. I crave the sense of calm I felt after pleasing him and letting him have his way with me. Being his good little girl, even though he rarely used those words I wanted to hear so desperately. But to be fair, I desperately wanted to say words of my own to him that I held back. I held a lot back, and he held a lot back and that more than anything was proof that what lay between us wouldn't go very far.

But he confirmed the truth I already knew about myself and I am so desperately hungry for more. Sometimes I dream of crawling back to him on my knees, and begging for more, but I'm stronger than that.

Only just. 

If you really read my profile you would know how these conversations were going to end. Or maybe ya'll do read them and operate under the impression that you're the one to change my mind. 

You see I want someone local, you, halfway around the world decide to give me a try and are surprised when the conversation goes nowhere. 

You see that I list myself as a submissive, and message me asking if you can be my slave. 

You see that I'm not interested in online only, and you, an online only person, decide that that's a good fit. 

You see that I'm interested in getting to know people, and you ask me, two minutes into our conversation, how many sex partners I've had and if you can have a picture of me. 

You see that I think submission is a gift and ask me to submit to you immediately, and are confused by the fact that I won't say yes to just anything or let random strangers exert control over me. 

Folks, this just isn't an efficient way to get things done if you're looking for a quick orgasm/whatever in the hell ya'll are looking for.  I know the idea of reading profiles and the like seems so time consuming and odious to so many of you, but you'd save yourself so much more time and consternation if you read them and didn't bother with people who couldn't possibly respond posiitvely to the bullshit you're about to spout. Don't you want to have conversations that don't end after 0 replies to 15 minutes? Don't you want to actually find someone to play with or talk to who keeps you entertained in whatever way it is you're looking for? 

Get yourselves together! Use some strategy to get what you want. Cultivate any sense of game/finesse anything. You'll be happier because you'll actually get what you want and won't find yourself constantly stumped, and you can stop perstering the rest of us.