Its The little Things

I was sitting on the couch and I realized that I've forgotten.

I've forgotten your voice, your name.

I actually have forgotten your name.

I sat up and was shocked that all I remember is your face but is that accurate? 

Ive forgotten your laugh or what it felt like for you to tell me that you loved me.

I've forgotten what it's like to hear you call me pet names or to tell me I'm a good girl. 

I've simply forgot. 

It makes me heart ache. Physically hurts.

Its a blessing because that means I've forgotten.

Ive forgotten how it felt when you let me down

Ive forgotten what it sounded like when you lied

Ive forgotten what you said when you left.

What a blessing that I've forgotten.

Dropping doesn't always mean you can experience it after just a scene. 

Sub/top dropping can happen after experiencing such a high high of emotion for a period of time then the crash after that high is over. The drop can last hours, days, even weeks. It depends on the person and the intensity of their emotions during the high.

Dropping is hard.

Dropping is harder alone.

Clinging to the fragility of your mind while you know it's slipping away, you feel the anxiety build knowing you cant stop it, not all the way. Which makes it worse. How can I ask for help if I can't even breath? How can I get myself to my bed or resources to help myself not drop so hard? How can I explain to those who message me, asking where I've been, what I'm doing if I cant even type right let alone see what they are saying.

How can I function if I begin to panic about being so low? With no way to resurface in time for fresh air? How long will this last? will I be here for hours, gasping for a chance to be normal? 

So here I'll lay, with my hands clinged to my chest, tears flowing until I become a numbed person on the living floor, able to feel myself again, slowly. Limb by limb, heart beat by heart beat. 

It becomes hard to fall in love with men. Especially men in my age range. 

They send texts stating "ily" "ly" and quick, careless "love you"s as they leave. 

How can i simply fall in love with a real man when I've done nothing but read about fictional men? 

Men who say "I cannot breath while you are away" 

" I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life.”

"You are my heart, my life, my one and only thought.”

"He says he will never leave her, not in a million years.”

The same falls into the kink life as well. Finding real is hard, frustrating and hopefully one day, i can be a breath of fresh air for someone and they for me. 

I guess that is why fiction is fiction 

When I say I'm a little, I hate the broad term of it. 

My little side is not sexual and it never has been. My little side is an escape from the reality I live. 

Taking time to watch cartoons, in pajamas and not have to think about being an adult is what being little to me is. I get small sometimes with how I speak, especially if the day has been harder then most. 

Im going to be real for a moment and explain a situation. 

I work in the medical field, and this particular day, I had to help with a code blue, it was fine, it happens. But what I didn't know was that it was going to be on a child. 

I did my best but the child didnt make it. I was beyond upset. 

I came home, and became nonverbal and slipped into a little space that not even my dom at the time could handle. But being in that space, which is such a safe space, got me through that. 

Being little is a broad term that means something different to everyone. For some it is sexual and for some its not. 

Bringing a sexual nature into my little space would ruin the space for me which is why it stays away. 

I remember everything. Every conversation, every feeling, every emotion. The good, the bad. 

I remember it all because of the impact it had on me. And I carry each memory with me.

Each memory might mean more to me, and each Dom has left me with a gift, for example. 

I listen to country music more because he did and that imprinted on me, showing me the love, meaning and passion behind the music.

I draw hearts on the glass shower door when it gets too steamy because he thought it was cute and that imprinted on me.

I spend more time out in nature, exploring because that too, imprinted on me. Connecting with nature was a way to connect to myself and him. When there was no longer a him, it left just me and nature.

I will always remember them, their impact and the reasons they left. But those will stay with me forever.