Jackdaws In Flight

Lately, I have been seeing a lot of folks talking about others betraying their trust, lying, or straight up ignoring the rules of consent (and I am not talking in a CNC way... this may not be my jam, but Consent is STILL essential here).  Anyone, Dom or sub, Predator or prey, Big or little, should have their rights and consent honoured, and Consent can only be given if there is Trust and Honesty.

For Example (this popped up in a recent post):

If you have a transmittable disease (sexually or not), you should be up front and honest about it.  Someone cannot give full consent without true honesty.  If someone tells you that they are clean of all transmittable diseases, and then knowingly infects you, that is a Crime in the UK, no matter the circumstances of that transmission.  I don't know the law in other regions of the world, but I assume that in most this is also the case.  If you go into a relationship or dynamic and knowingly lie about something that serious, that is a massive breach of trust and negates ANY given Consent, also it makes you a MASSIVE DOUCHE CANOE who is only fit for fertilizer.

In all relationships, no matter how fleeting, they should always be built on Trust, Honesty, and Consent.  If you are friends with someone, it should be built on Trust, Honesty and Consent (especially if there is Benefits to that friendship).  If you are in a non-relationship BDSM dynamic with someone, it should be built on Trust, Honesty, and Consent.  Consent cannot be given if someone is being dishonest.

Being HONEST with each other (groups included), giving and receiving TRUST, and getting and giving CONSENT is SEXY to me.

If someone lies, if someone is distrustful, or someone ignores consent, they could be the sexiest looking person on the planet, and I would walk the other way if I saw them coming.

It is shocking to me that people in a Vanilla setting still do not get this, let alone within the BDSM community.

If you come across someone who betrays trust, lies, or oversteps the rules of consent, do not go quietly into that fair night.  Shout it out loud!  Burn that Bridge!  Shit, light the fires of Gondor if you have to - We have a duty to those around us to call out injustice, malice, bigotry and hatred in all its forms, and the best way of doing that is to stand by Honesty, Trust, and Consent.  And if you do, you are FAR sexier for it.

I never judge someone based on what kinks or fetishes gets someone off, but I do judge people based on their actions, how they treat others, and whether they have Honesty, are Trustful, or value Consent.

Now go out there and be the Sexy Bastards and Bitches, Littles and Bigs, Fuzzies and Scalies, Doms and Subs that you know you are!

A dear friend described my emotional state of late as being the "Emotional Zoomies".  One moment they are Up, then down, left, right, forward, backwards, and loop-de-loop.  That explains why I felt so drained after the most recent experience.

Then today we had a rough day Adulting, with everything that could go wrong, going wrong.  Thankfully those I love made it all seem like a wonderful day full of adventure and joy.

Here is to those that make even the shit days seem awesome!

You Rock!

I go through most days feeling nothing, just a blank, desperate, nothing.  Like a wall of darkness has swallowed my every light.  Someone I respect described it as feeling Hollow, and that is about as apt a description as I can imagine right now. 

Other days, I feel nothing but overwhelming overthinking, the depression that crawls through every thought.  The desperation of a hunger unsated. 

Most days, I just go from moment to moment, surviving.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Not living, just... surviving.  Going through the motions.  Pretending to laugh, pretending to feel something, anything, just to survive.

But today is not one of these days

Today, every emotion, every thought, just about everything is RAW.  Like when you touch something hot, and the burn has JUST started to really ache.  Like chilli or salt in a wound.  A papercut to the soul that just refuses to stop screaming at the top of its lungs.  Like the feeling you get when you run your knuckle over a cheese grater and it skins it to the nerves, only all over, all at once.  Everything is sharper, louder, deafening.

Today Really Smarts

But, just as I feel the darkness and pain crowding around me, inside me, I can also feel the light.  I can feel the happiness within me far stronger today than normal.  I see beauty, I see the sky above, I see the animals playing, I see the light of life filling every aspect of the world around me.

I see hope

I must put into words the things that normally I would hide deep beneath a cold, unbreakable, uncompromising, and thick layer of mental ice.  I cannot hide them any more than the sun can turn off it's light for a moment.  To do so, would mean an end.  And so, I apologise unreservedly, but today, I need to put voice to this feeling.

Now and forever

Thank you for existing.

Thank you for your friendship.

Thank you for being my light in the darkness.

Thank you for the love we have shared.

Thank you for the love we will share.

Thank you for the silliness.

Thank you for the deep thoughts.

Thank you for the conversations.

Thank you for the smiles.

Thank you for those quiet moments where all else melts away.

Thank you for the hugs, the kisses, the laughs and the cries.

Thank you for the heat of your soul.

Thank you for your pain.

Thank you for your healing.

Thank you for the comforting.

Thank you for understanding.

Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for your passion.

Thank you for your hope.

Thank you for trusting me to see who you are behind your masks.

Thank you for accepting me for who I am, despite my many failings.

Thank you for being there.

Thank you for trusting me with your truths.

Thank you for seeing me.

Thank you for sharing in who you are.

Thank you for always reaching out even when all you want to do is hide.

Thank you for everything you do big or small.

Thank you for the dreams you have shared with me, and for the dreams you give me.

Thank you for showing me there is more than the pit I fall into.

Thank you for the future yet to be determined.

But most importantly: Thank you for being you.

I only hope I can bring you just a fraction of the peace you have brought me.  I will always keep your truths safe in my heart, and I will always be here for you.

Now and forever.

Ok, enough with the feelings, time to make a coffee and get some adulting done.

Peace and love to all, but especially to those I love.  You are my light in the darkness... you are the ones who save me from myself when I cannot.

SONGS FOR THE DAY:  "The Serpents Trail" and "Into The Dark" by Amon Amarth, "Born In Flames" and "Fate Bringer" by In This Moment,  PANDEMONIUM by Infected Rain, and finally "Saorise" by Rotting Christ

When I hear certain sounds, they elicit emotions. 

The sound of Aluminium Foil feels like abject fear, it cuts through me and hurts my soul.  I literally get the Fight Or Flight response whenever I hear it.  Similarly, Deep Booming Bass (slow) feels like home, makes me feel safe, and calm.  The Texture of some plastics feels like Anger to me, I feel rage bubbling up through me when touching some fabrics or plastics (especially the seams).  Latex and PVC however feel like lust... maybe that is more to do with my personal fetishes, but they do.  A woman wearing Latex or PVC feels like lust, I don't even have to see it, I just FEEL it.  Silky fabrics feels like Love, like a lovers embrace.  When my partner wears anything silky, I find it VERY hard not to grab a hold of her and just touch her...  Sometimes the temptation is overpowering.  Some textures make me feel things, some sounds make me feel others.  I can taste the sounds of some things, and I can smell the colours of others.  Some of it good, some of it bad.  The taste of some things remind me of the smells of others - Olives, the fruit not the oil, tastes like Cat Piss Smells... and it is disgusting to me, like Gut Wrenching levels of Ewww.

The smell of Citrus fruits feels warm, the smell of Mint feels like a summer day, Cat Piss smells like Olives Taste... Nasty nasty Olives Ewww.

Then there are the memories triggered by some things, and the effects that has on me.  I was walking around the local supermarket the other day, and a smell hit me from in the Fruit and Vegetable section, and I swear, I not only got Deja Vu, but I got location dissonance, full blown "Had no idea where I was" hit me.  It took me a moment to remember that I was where I am, and that I was not in a supermarket in Sommerset England (I am in Northern Ireland... not even the same damn island, let alone town).

Music is like this too.  Music is an integral part of my life, it regulates my thoughts and emotions.  I often get lost in the myriad of random thought streams that are concurrent in my head, and music always helps order them.  Some music makes me feel safe, some energetic, some feels like nails on a chalk board, like someone is hammering at my head, but for the most part, Music is a pleasant experience, and grounding.  Textures too, sounds, smells, and even images.  I often wonder what it feels like for others, I know there is an entire community of folks dedicated to sounds making them feel things, and you can go down a very deep and dark ASMR rabbit hole on certain video provider sites.

Sometimes this can be very extreme, other times its just a gentle nudge.  It feels entirely natural and normal to me most of the time, other times however, not so much.  I have no control over when it hits, no idea how it will hit, it just will.

Textures as Emotions, Tastes crossed with Smells, and Music to move a Mountain.  We all perceive the world differently, how you see and feel things is different to everyone else.  Life is a rich tapestry of weird and wonderful colours, sights and smells... except for Olives, you can keep those.

MEDICAL UPDATE, FEEL FREE TO IGNORE

I have had one hell of a week. 

Pain, stress, and worry have all been hitting me in spades. 

Last week (Wednesday), I had what I now know to be a Thunderclap Headache, brought on during some mild exercising.  At the time, I just thought "This is fine, just another headache to deal with, I will just add it to my already extensive collection".  I also thought "this will get better pretty quickly"... it did not.  It carried on, at the same intensity as when it first hit me.. that is like someone smashing a hammer into the back of my skull.  My head felt like it was in a vice, and that hammer kept on coming, rhythmically pounding the back of my head like an over eager medical student with the sexual libido of a mountain lion.

By Saturday evening, I was beginning to worry somewhat, but thought I would leave it till Monday (which turned out to be Tuesday as Monday was a Bank Holiday... seriously, do they NEED any more time off than they already get?).  I phoned my Doctors, got an appointment pretty quickly, and went up to see her.  She is a lovely lady, a bit strict and treats me more like her Kid than a patient, but overall very efficient and good.  She genuinely cares, which given how little they are paid here in the UK, is pretty rare.  I told her all about what had happened, and she sat there listening (again, Rare).  She let me finish, then said in a cold, hard stare -

"I need you to go to the Accident and Emergency room... now!"

Then explained that Thunderclap headaches can be VERY serious and be caused by a Brain Bleed, which are SERIOUS serious, the "GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL" serious.  She explained that 99 times out of 100, it was just a headache, but that 1 time that it was not just a headache made it important enough to get to the hospital immediately...

She followed up with "IF you do not go to the hospital right now, I will beat you!", she really is an awesome doctor.

However, I was thinking all sorts of hellish thoughts, and I started to worry, but tried to keep calm and carry on... My wife who has Anxiety and Panic attacks stepped up to the plate and marshalled the troops (me... and her) into getting stuff ready for a Long wait at our local A&E (our local hospitals average wait time is 15 hours currently... it really needs better funding). 

We got there, and they did a CAT scan almost immediately (less than 2 hours), and despite my deep disappointment that they didn't put Cat ears on the CAT machine (of which I did 'complain', and demand they rectify for later patients... causing much laughter... even though they probably get that joke at least 20 times a day).  Thankfully, the CAT scan came back Negative for Current Brain Bleeds... so that was nice.

Then the Hospital Doctor there said "Oh, but wait, we are not done yet" and like some twisted game show host suggested (strongly) that I have a Lumbar Tap to check to see if there was any blood in my Spinal Fluid (which would suggest I had already HAD a brain bleed, but that it was not bleeding currently, serious, but not life threatening).  After he explained all the Pro's and Con's (especially based around my Liver issues) I decided better safe than sorry... or dead... so said "Do what you think is best".

He did, and it hurt, not like a LOT lot, but definitely enough to make me want to punch him squarely in the face at least once (I didn't, the police don't look to kindly on the punching of Doctors, even if they do deserve it), but he did tweak a nerve going in... and that HURT all the way down to my toes on both sides, and then back up again into my shoulders.  We waited there for a few hours while the results came in.  In total, we were only there for about 7 and a half hours, and a good deal of that was in our own little room which was a nice surprise (We even got food... crap food, but hot food, which was better than none).

After the ALL CLEAR was delivered, they said I could go home... and go home I was raring to do.  Say what you will about uncomfortable Sofa's, but when they are uncomfortable sofa's AT HOME, they are instantly more comfy than anything the Hospital can provide unless you are on Morphine, then literally sitting on Lego spikes would be comfy... or at least you just don't give a damn.  I had the Track taken out of my arm, and started to leave and got about half way down the corridor to leave the ward I was in, when my wife said "You may need to go back"... I looked down, and saw a puddle of blood at my feet... and by puddle, I mean actual puddle (yeah, Liver issues are annoying sometimes).  After that was sorted, and the doctor went through a few shades of Green, Blue, and finally a paler shade of White (He swore he would never take a Track out again as long as he lived... kind of felt sorry for the guy... well... I didn't, but I can pretend to), I drove home.  We were Exhausted by the time we got home.

I was advised that due to the nature of my Liver issues, it would take a little longer for me to recover than normal (usually takes 24 - 48 hours, but double that and some for someone with my condition).  I am still very sore, my arms look like I have been practicing as a Crash Test Dummy without a seatbelt, and I hurt... all over.  My head hurts, my arms are all pins and needles, and I cannot get comfy at all meaning my sleep is disturbed (and not in the "Get Down With The Sickness" kind of way, more of the "WHY IS THAT GIANT NEEDLE SNAKE CHASING ME WHILE GIANT BEEVER ANTS EAT MY FEET?!" kind of way).

Thankfully, this too shall pass, but right now, I do not feel any kind of cheerful nor happy... just painful, relieved, and sore.  My beautiful wife broke down yesterday, as the stress finally got to her, after her initial strength ran out; I felt so fucking awful for her... she is such a damn ROCKSTAR in my eyes.  She was crying for quite a while, and I do not blame her.  Funny thing about stress, you don't realise how stressed you are, till the stress eases somewhat.

Anyway, if Life is a Sadist, then I need a Safe Word, and the closest I have come to finding one is Music.

What music do you listen to when you are stressed or in pain? 

For me, anything helps really, but Amon Amarth, Beethoven, Rachmaninov, Arch Enemy, Stellamara, Wardruna and Infected Rain are pretty high up there (eclectic I know).

Oh, and finally, if you are ever doing any kind of exercise (kinky or not) and you suddenly get a sharp, solid pain... stop... GO TO THE HOSPITAL.... in all likelihood, its just a headache, but it could be something much worse.

It can be Kinky or not.

For me, I love driving at night in the countryside.  I love seeing the clouds, the stars, the morning dawn just breaking over the hills.  Something about it scratches at an itch I cannot describe.  The lights overhead passing rhythmically, music playing quietly, my wife sat next to me watching the road with me.  She regularly excitedly points out cool things she has seen (this is a big thing for her, as she is partially sighted) or thinks she has seen (sometimes they are more amazing that what was actually there, and that makes me happy).  I often enjoy taking detours, just to make the journey last longer.  We take coffee's, Tea's, and sometimes food... and always emergency supplies like blankets etc... just in case.

As a child, I'd often go on long night drives with my parents. We didn't have a particular destination; it was simply a way to pass the time in the depressing and destitute UK of the 1980s. I'd feign sleep in the backseat, but I was constantly soaking in the passing scenery. Now, I no longer just observe; I drive, finding enjoyment and tranquillity in the act. Breaks are scarce with the way my mind works, so a two-hour drive to nowhere—or anywhere—provides a sense of liberation. It's a pleasure I share with my wife, and one we hope to share with someone else someday.

I love sharing the things I love, and in the things that others love.  I love seeing the passion, love, and excitement of someone telling me about something.  It can be about something I don't have any interest in, and if they enjoy telling me, I am hooked, I want to know more.  So getting to show people around, to take them to the places we find special, travelling.  That is my dream, and something I wish I could do more.

I have a reoccurring dream, me, my wife, and someone special to us are on a train (in a old 1920's style lounge with sofas and a bar... cause dreams make sense), it is just travelling through the world, only stopping briefly to allow visits to spots, or to fill up on food and water and fuel.  It never reaches it's destination, the journey is the destination.  The dream keeps going, with us just watching, talking, laughing, being in the moment, and caring not when we arrive nor leave.  In the dream, I could see the pyramids at Giza, maybe the Taj Mahal, or the Great Wall, but we never stop for long, there is always something else to see, somewhere else to go... Wanderlust, I have it bad, perhaps more so than lust itself...  I wish I could do more driving.  One day, I hope to take you all on a journey with us, show you the world we see, the incredible adventures we go on.

Until then, stay safe, and let me know, what is something you love to do, but don't get to do as often as you wish.

Peace, Love, and Understanding

Having Patience is a Virtue they say...

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It is more than just a state of mind...

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It's more than how long you have to wait....

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It is also how you approach things so I am told...

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That Said...

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For someone with so much Patience...

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My Doctor always looks so relaxed...

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Considering all those Patience she has to see...

Yes, this was a Pun, and no I am not sorry.

There once was a child, nought but a boy, 
They longed for something, but it wasn’t a toy. 

Their family was poor, and often they'd felt starved, 
But food wasn’t the longing from their life needing carved. 

They wondered if others the same way did feel, 
But saw none like them, with only smiles made of steel. 

A voice inside them they could always hear, 
Even when no others were in sight or were near. 

It whispered to them horrors, and insults aloud, 
And brought them under a deep and dark cloud. 

They thought that others must surely feel the same, 
But only saw that from others that smiles had came. 

Those around would laugh and point and poke, 
At the child, whose demeanour was quiet and barely spoke. 

Still the child tried to fit in at school and at home, 
But always to others seemed distant, different, and alone. 

In crowded places full of noise and cheer, 
This child always felt threatened, scared with fear. 

As they grew older, the voice only did grow, 
Seeds of doubt, self-hatred, and loathing it did sow. 

They thought themselves a freak, a failure and pest, 
As others joined the voice in bullying them “in jest.” 

Seas of sorrow and self-hatred swelled up from within, 
Till the world seemed wrong with its brutal endless spin. 

They tried to end their miserable excuse for a life, 
Till they met another who felt naught but fear and strife. 

For them they tried to be so strong, 
For once they found somewhere to belong. 

A crumbled Castle whose walls fell asunder, 
Would now stand tall, with horns loud like thunder. 

No longer destined to be all alone, 
For past failings, for their love, they atone. 

This child still lives yet, though the voice too lives on, 
They fight this demon all day, till their strength has all gone. 

They sleep knowing this battle tomorrow they must face, 
Alone no longer, they have someone to fight for, with honour and with grace. 

The above was written during one of my many sleepless nights.  Just thoughts and musings given shape.  I often keep such a tight control over my own thoughts, that sometimes I have to simply let them wander, and I almost never share them.  This one felt like being shared.

Some people say that it is not healthy to live for someone else, but sometimes, you can only live for someone or something else until you manage to untie the knot that has strangled your soul.  Some live for a pet, a loved one, a teddy bear, a hobby, sometimes just for that one task you feel you NEED to do, it may even just be that next kinky night of fun.  Whatever it is, live for it if that is all that can keep you going in THAT moment.  Some live just to see the next sunrise knowing that afterwards another night will come. 

That is enough. 

That is strength. 

You are enough.

Walk with Honour and with Grace my finely fetished freaks, but never go quietly, and never let anyone else tell you that what you choose to live for is wrong.  I live for those I love.  That is enough for me.  You live for whatever makes your soul feel free.

Sometimes we lose the fight, and sometimes we fall down.  Those that do not make it back up, are our fallen comrades in arms; they are not to be missed but celebrated for the battles they won.

I have been lucky, those close to me bring me strength I never knew I had.  Sure, it is not for me, for myself.  But that strength shows I still have the will to stand back up and fight.  And Fight I will, each and every day.  The night is always darkest just before the dawn, and that suits me just fine.  I will be my loved ones Night Watch, because they are my Daylight, my ladder out of the darkest of pits.  You raise me up.  Thank you.

I do not respect a lot of people in my biological family.  I cannot love most of them, and care even less about the rest.  I barely register their existence most of the time.

I simply cannot care or respect someone who doesn't respect me.

I was always the Pariah.  The outsider.  The weirdo kid that nobody believed.

No matter how many times I was proved right, whenever I said anything "oh, he's making up another story".

Yet, despite my having not once been proven wrong on anything I told my 'family', they still to this day treat everything I say, everything I do, as a joke.  As not important.

I gave up on them, because they never even tried with me.

With my chosen family, I respect them, appreciate them, and love them as they have only ever shown me respect, love, and appreciation.

Recently my I brought this up with my grandmother, told her exactly how I felt.  Her response was, as always, to gaslight me.  Tell me "oh that's just in your imagination".

Literally five minutes later, she made some comment about a subject I am very familiar with.  It was an incorrect observation based on some BS story she had seen on the TV, some opinion piece that was presented as Fact.  I pointed out this fallacy, and her response was "How do you know that?! You couldn't possibly know that, you are wrong".  Exact words.

I give up.

I'm done.

I'm not even going to dignify these observations from my family with a rebuttal anymore.

I am me.  I am more than they can see, and so much more than they can imagine.

They get nothing from me.  I have zero fucks to give.

Yet, despite my assertions of this fact, they still expect me to fawn over every meaningless, trivial, bs moment in their lives.

If only they knew, I wouldn't even waste the alcohol if they were on fire, let alone piss on them to put it out.  I won't stoke their downfall, but I won't be there to catch them either.  They are already dead to me.  As heartless as that is, I just have more important people to spend my time and thoughts on.

Two of you at least are on here, one introduced us to you all.  

Sorry for the rant, I just needed to clear my mind before insomnia gave way to exhaustion.

That moment when, after meeting someone for the first time and realising you were right to feel drawn to them, you have to leave is such a bittersweet feeling.  You hope that you will meet them again, you long for the sound of their voice and the warm embrace of their hugs.  You feel as though something is missing, something has been, and then gone.  But, you know that for that moment in time, it was all worth it.  Getting to meet someone you care for is always worth it, no matter how short a moment that is.  What made it all the more special for me was seeing my sweet wife so at ease and happy around them, something she finds very difficult with new people indeed.

Parting brings bittersweet sorrow, but the meeting makes it all worthwhile.  Getting to see them again is what your soul calls for.

And yes, I am a silly romantic soul despite the long red beard and tattoos.