If I could explain how I feel and what my mind is feeling like recently....it would be something like this
Imagine a shopping centre full, busy noisy and you can just about hear yourself talk.
It's rush hour so everyone is buying quickly before leaving while more people arrive.
You want to shop yourself....but you can't make your mind up on which to go in first so you just stand there in the middle of the crowd trying not to panic or breakdown.
You see a little coffee shop, buy a nice choccachino and try to clear your mind of the overload.
Not to mention heavily pregnant has it's moments were omg I need to sit down too I can run a mile.
People are talking to you and your talking to them as you drink your coffee and then your friends arrive, so you follow them like a lost puppy around the shops trying to feel or bring a self of normalness about yourself.
Going into one shop and as you look around you find 2 tops you like....but you can't decide if you want them both or just one. I'm the indecisive type...if I can't choose and quickly force a choice I know I'll regret it later or I'll put the items back and not get them and then wallow in my self kitty of I wish I could have had them now.
That is exactly how I feel about BDSM as of lately.
Everything is a constant fight to get someone you want and a battle to keep them entertained in you.but not only is it just the someone....it's the fact that you know yourself your not like other women who will submit and take what is given, id rather have it built up on trust and acceptance of talk before the kink talk comes along....teasing or roleplay is fine, you learn off eachother what you both like.
But I have realised now the questions I used to ask myself are no longer relevant.....
1. What is the way of earning that one person as a dominant - is there a code or a certain way it should be done compared to vanilla.
Actually I find it's the exact same as a vanilla couple meeting up....just with more kink, you go out meet up in a public place for your own reasons and hit it off from there.
2. Is/was there a certain way/behaviour to be putting myself across to a dominant.
A dominant man or woman to me is every person in life, that means you may have a dominant workstyle so you act it out in your general life. But also know the limits and not push them unless they be desired to be pushed.
3. Same question as no 2 but from a submissive side.
You may also have a dominant lifestyle and act it out in your life. But what you want is that one person to put you to your knees and take the task of dominance away from you. Putting yourself and complete trust into that one dominant person. (Hope that makes sense).
My mind lately has had an overload....and now I'm trying to get myself better and put things that are no longer needed to the back of my mind...or in the bin.
I let feelings, emotion and jealousy get in the way of my view point and it broke me. My trust is some what ok now compared to earlier months of being on here. But I still wouldn't trust the next person like I used to do.
Jealousy is my biggest down fall....when I talk with someone and it could be "potential" in real life or online.....I get anxious, I get the feeling I want you to myself....and no one can have you, (my partner and me exactly) I want every detail of you and every attention of you focused on me.
It's a horrible crave that sadly plays alot in alot of us. And something that cannot be dropped in an instant. It takes time to teach it to sit and not wimper behind the book or pull faces behind the glass.
I broke down to my partner yesterday, everything got too much, he couldn't understand why I was so upset. Why something so silly hurts you. Until I told him. Why did i join cage when I first got pregnant...because I regret doing it for sure. He told me to shut up and in that case why not use it for my writing, apparently I have good writing skills that a few have told me - (I didn't pass my English)
Everyone who has met me has never met the real me before pregnancy....and I so can't wait for that to happen (btw I'm still the same me just more tired and less stressed) my mind doesn't think so erratictly when I am my normal self.
I'm not the "brat" I put myself across to be. I'm actually quite the timid girl...with a fire in her eyes and a mouth that will shoot off if it is needed. I say NO when I don't want things or when I don't like things...and this plays a part In me a downfall part regarding BDSM. So my brat is something more along the lines of I'm cheeky and sassy, I'll name call for the fun of it and have a child like relationship with my partner because it's what I love. Play fighting is our best way of relieving tension in the air (though I always win - giggles), when we argue i get loud and cocky but I don't use things against to get the upper hand. But at the back of all this, I'm a happy girl who loves laughing and smiling, but wants the days were she can chill in silence with a resting bitch face and ignore the world. Completely normal in that case.