Daddy is currently asleep next to me. Holding me tight even as he’s unconscious. It’s one of my favorite things about living with him. When we’re asleep we have some unspoken rule that we have to be touching. It could be his hand on my bum or wrapped around my waist, holding my boob or just gently resting next to my thigh. It could be myself being the big spoon wrapping my arm around him and throwing my leg over his, or cuddled into his chest where I can barely breathe but love to be. Whenever one of us turns over the other follows without missing a beat to keep the connection. I’m not sure if Daddy realizes it as much as I do but I truly love it.
Since Daddy went to sleep early tonight (he hasn’t really been sleeping well and we got up early today) he’s left me awake with my thoughts, and they’re wandering far tonight. Sometimes my thoughts are my best friend and sometimes they’re my worst enemy. Tonight they’re a little more neutral. In my last blog I’d mentioned how Daddy and I hit a couple bumps these past few months and didn’t give much detail. I don’t feel it is necessary to go in-depth on them but they were focused around my own negative self image and were ignited by some things Daddy did that I really should have no problem with. But I do and did because of said image problems.
Anyways, my thoughts tonight aren’t on my looks. They’re on my actions and reactions to the events. I grew up in a household where I didn’t have emotionally (or otherwise) supportive parents so early on I learned that I needed to deal with my problems on my own. Being as young as I was and not having a proper outlet or being able to vocalize my emotions I basically became mute in that area. I would, and still do, allow things to bother me quietly till I boil over and eventually break down over something seemingly insignificant. When those break downs occur I'm yet again left mute. Outwardly.
In my head I can give a well thought out reason and explanation for why I’m upset. I can answer all questions coherently. I can even tell you exactly what you did to make me upset and why it hurt me so badly. But when I try to speak those same words, that were just so nicely formed in my head, nothing comes out. I open my mouth to talk and nothing. My silence only makes the situation worse because now Daddy thinks I just don’t want to talk to him, or maybe that I’m overreacting.
He tries coming at me from different angles, soft and understanding, stern and dominant, questioning. The whole time I’m sitting there mute and crying. Partially because of what I was originally upset over and partially because in my head I’m screaming the answers to everything and still can’t seem to get a word out. I sit curled into myself, ashamed that I’m causing a scene because I can’t freaking talk. Having an internal battle with myself. Yelling at myself in my head to just freaking say something and not leave Daddy over there guessing and fishing in an empty lake.
It takes me, sometimes, hours to say some small sliver of what my original thoughts were and even then I feel like I’m not saying everything I need or want to say so it isn't really solved for me. And do I dare try to bring it up again and cause yet another scene just because I feel like I still need to talk about it or that it’s not completely solved. Personally I don’t think I should because I don’t want to put Daddy through the stress of it. Plus Daddy’s done everything he can to prove he has and had no intention of hurting my feelings. Everything I’ve been upset over he’s cut from his life. I really can’t ask for more than that.
I think back a lot on how in those moments I wish I was able to say what I really wanted and was able to make sense when I said it. I’m trying so hard to be more open with Daddy when I’m upset over things. Trying to tell him right away instead of hiding it. It’s just hard to undo nearly 20 years of coping with things on your own. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive too, that things didn’t affect me the way they do. I’m working on that as well.
Part of my New Years resolution is to be healthier, not just physically but mentally. So I’m hoping for the best. Also, I’ve had this conversation with myself many times over. If I seem well thought out here it’s because I’m not speaking, I’m thinking, and somehow thoughts translate easier when writing than talking aloud for me.
Anyways, yeah, just where my thoughts are. I’m now mentally drained so goodnight, sleep tight 💛💛