4 months ago. Sun 22 Jul 2018 08:30:54 AM IDT
I am so glad that I stumbled upon this site. I’ve been enjoying the various blog postings, all of which have very wide and varying interests, comforts, wants, needs, and limits. Some are funny, some are serious, some are personal. Some have made me interested in trying them in my own life, others have made me realize limits I definitely have – hard and soft. The more I read the wonderful insights of everyone on here, the more I am turning inward to analyze just what type of submissive I am, want to be, and what submission means to me.
I’ve always known that I had submissive tendencies, even in more ‘vanilla’ sex. Of course, there are times that I take the reins and have control, but 95% of the time, I love following the lead of the man I’m with. Aside from some spanking, moderate hair pulling, and dirty talk, I’ve never had an actual Dom until recently. It has been an interesting experience and I’ve learned a lot about the community, especially after finding The Cage. There are SO many facets and variables to each person, couple(s), scenes, sessions, etc. I like that there’s no one set ‘this is how you have to do it’ and that it is fluid to each situation and person. I also like the common general consensus that I’ve seen across 99.9% of what I read: everyone values consent (even if it’s consensual non-consent), not doing anything illegal/with children/with animals, and the value of a safe word/action system. Trust and safety are key, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
As a disclaimer, this (rather long) post is my own personal feelings about who I am and where I am at in my own personal journey. I realize others do not have the same limits as me, and may enjoy things that I do not. And I am totally happy for you! If you are consenting adults and it is something you truly want and makes you happy/horny, by all means go for it with another consenting adult!
I’ve had a lot of these introspective thoughts floating around in my head, but I also know that I do best when I write things out and organize them. Without further ado, here is what my submission is and what submission means to me personally:
-Currently, I identify as first and foremost a submissive. I am a straight, cisgender female, on the heavier curvy/BBW side. I am a submissive that likes to tease (essentially be a brat for funishment). I am a submissive who also craves being a kitten, but without the pet play. I am a submissive that wants a Daddy type Dom without the age play. I like feeling safe and taken care of, guided and directed, handing my anxious worries off and knowing I am in his arms. I am a submissive who loves being my Sir’s good girl as well as his slut. I love feeling my Sir grab my hair and pull it back as he’s fucking my pussy, reminding my that I am his possession, and that my pussy is owned by him. Feeling his hand slap across my face, my chest, my ass, my pussy - it reminds me that I’m my Sir’s slutty girl and possession. Feeling his hand grip at my throat, while he pounds into me and looks me so fiercely on the eye - I’m one bullet point in and I’m already getting wet thinking about my Sir. I am a submissive who, albeit rarely, likes to take control during sex sometimes (not a full blown switch, but every once in a while to spice it up). I’m also a submissive that likes good ol’ fashioned vanilla sex as well. I am a submissive with a lot to offer outside of being a submissive, and with a sample platter array of characteristics and interests in the vanilla and kink worlds. Through all of it, I am happy, healthy, safe, and consenting.
-It is important to me to keep my independence. I’m a free spirit and like to have my options open. I also have anxiety and depression. Many years of therapy has helped me build a tool box to deal with these things I have, and how to make them into something good. In particular, my anxiety manifests in certain parts of my life – like organization and cleaning. I’m not obsessive to the point that it hinders my life, but I like knowing everything is in its place and that there’s a place for everything. It keeps me in a routine, and the routine keeps me on track. There are things that I know I lead in and take control over because it is something I excel at and take pride in. Organizing and cleaning gives me a healthy way to feel like I am back in control of my life, rather than letting my anxiety and depression own me. Independence is something that I want to keep in my life. I value being able to make decisions for myself and my surroundings, while being able to decide when and where I will submit.
-Because of the above, I couldn’t do a full on 24/7 total power exchange. If that’s your thing, everyone is consenting, and everything is legal, totally go for it! If it makes you happy, then it makes me happy that you’re happy, healthy, and fulfilled in your own sexual dynamic. I enjoy reading about others’ experiences within the 24/7 lifestyle. But I’m just too stubborn. I need my own space and time sometimes, and I value being able to make my own decisions – including when and where I choose to submit. I do like the idea of having little daily tasks, moments, and routines to show him that he still has the gift of my submission, though. I’m a natural caretaker and I suppose you could say that one of the main “Love Languages” traits I show to my partner is doing small meaningful things. Touch is the most important “Love Language” aspect for me - it helps me know I’m safe, cared for, disciplined, and so many other things I can’t explain, only feel. Because touch is so important to me, I know I couldn't deal with being abandoned or caged/tied up/etc. alone for more than a few minutes. That is a hard limit.
-I like humiliation, but only to a certain extent. Being told I’m my Sir’s slut, his little whore, his fuck toy to play with, and/or being here solely for his pleasure and his pleasure alone gets me wetter than a fucking rainforest. Having to kiss his feet, suck his toes and feet, lick him up and down and everywhere in between - I fucking love it. Especially his armpit – I have no idea why I love licking his armpit so much. Well, maybe it’s because I love hearing the guttural moans as I do it, just like when I reach that sweet spot and rhythm while I’m eating his ass. At the same time, I’d become enraged if I was forced to be used as a toilet (puke, poop and pee are the three reasons why I’m not a nurse or doctor. Can’t do it won’t do it), forced to eat and drink out of a bowl on the floor, or forced to sleep on the floor or anywhere other than a bed. Especially the bed. I am not a morning person AT ALL, especially when I don’t get good sleep, so I’d end up being a raging bitch because of that on top of being enraged that my level of humiliation has been breached. Again, I get that others’ limits aren’t the same as mine, and I will always support everyone in their sexual lives as long as they are consenting adults, happy, healthy, and safe. There are just certain points in humiliation play that become a hard limit for me personally.
-I crave being my Sir’s good girl. I crave pleasing him. It could be something as simple as fixing his plate, taking the empty one back to the dishwasher, or doing his laundry. I love hearing his moans as I suck him, lick him, and when he fucks my pussy to his liking. It makes me want to cum just thinking about it because turns me on so goddamn much. I love the rewards associated with it; I love that he rewards me with being allowed to cum for him. His guidance makes me feel safe. I love feeling his arms wrapped around me; I’ve never felt safer than when I’m with him. I love knowing that I am his possession that he cares for and wants kept safe for him and for him only to do as he pleases.
-I crave my Sir’s (justified) discipline. When in scene, if I do something that warrants his discipline, I can’t wait to feel his hand slap my face. I love how he pulls my hair and smacks my ass hard as he pounds my pussy or fucks my throat, telling me what a naughty little slut I’ve been. But disciplining me without telling me why, or without proper cause irritates me and makes me want to tap out/safe word. It triggers my anxiety and makes me think that he actually is angry with me and punishing me out of deep rooted anger instead of out of our mutual kink.
-I’ve realized that I like a certain amount of pain. There are things like blood, or permanent damage/marks that are definitely hard limits for me. Any non-permanent marks (bruises, bite marks, etc.) are soft limits – I’m okay with them, as long as I can cover them up for work/when I’m with people who don’t know about my kinky side. Punching and kicking are absolutely off the table, hard limit. Caning, violet wand, and certain other types of pain are soft limits that I'm willing to discuss.
-I’ve become a fan of the stoplight safe word system. My own version is: Red means hard stop, aftercare needs to happen immediately. Yellow means slow down/switch activities because I’m nearing overload. Green I personally like to use as a check in/go forward if there is any hesitation or question, and as mental note of safe words when we’re in our respective D/s spaces. It is so important to me that my Sir also use the safe words – he may feel himself getting out of control or not knowing if I really mean what I am saying and/or am not thinking to use my safe word (you’ll see why I like the green in particular in an upcoming point).
-There are things I wish would happen more. I wish my Sir would worship my pussy. I really like the quote to the effect of, “just because I’m worshipping your pussy, body and mind doesn’t mean you’re in control. It means I take care of my possessions so they do not break.” I miss having my pussy eaten out and having the touch of a man’s fingers/hand/mouth/tongue on my clit, feeling Him bringing his toy to the edge and (sometimes) allowing me to cum for him. I really want him to worship me to the point that I can give everything to him - my orgasm, the rush of adrenaline, the floating feeling - all because of him and only him. I guess what I’m really getting at is that I wish he was a more sensual Dom. I’d really love to be tied up spread eagle and blindfolded, while he does other sensory activities to tease me. Using a feather, smacking my pussy, icing my nipples, using hot wax, fucking me with toys, teasing my clit with the toys of his choosing, and ultimately fucking me as he pleases while I’m unable to move my arms and legs more than the rope/whatever I’m contained with allows. I wish we would also have vanilla sex sometimes, just to connect person to person.
-I’ve realized the importance of actually using my safe word with my Sir. There was a scene/situation with my Dom a few weeks ago where I really should have used my safe word. It was the most intense session we’ve had. He used His (flogger? It looks like a giant tassel that you can whip someone with) to punish me for asking to have my pussy eaten out. It was in regard to a joking text I had sent him a few nights before, and quite honestly one I’d forgotten up until that point. He flogged me, and he flogged me hard. He told me to count my five lashes. While I loved that we were taking the intensity up a notch, and counting my lashes was super fucking hot, I also started to feel myself have an anxiety attack. 95% of the time, I can talk myself out of them which is why I didn’t initially say anything in the first place. But my panic started to take seed and my depression made me start to actually think I wasn’t worthy of anything, that I really was just a piece of meat that nobody gives a shit about and that he’s really only using me as a fuck toy without any regard to me. Of course, logically I know this isn’t the case. And he did everything right. He asked if I’d had enough at one point – his way of checking in with me to see if I needed to safe word. I told him I was fine, and that was completely my fault. As we finished with me sucking him off as he laid on his back and I laid between his legs, all I could do was hang my head and silently cry. From what I understand – I was having sub drop. I was hiding myself crying because I didn’t want to disappoint him. I didn’t want to make him feel bad for believing me when I was the one telling him to continue. I didn’t want him to know how horribly I felt for not telling him. Of course, he noticed, and gently asked why I was crying. Knowing myself (regardless of in scene or not), I have a habit of trying to comfort everyone else and let them know I’m fine, even when I’m crying. He gently told me to wash my face and to also put the laundry in the dryer – both as ways to bring me back from my sub drop. I did both, and they brought me back somewhat. I laid on the bed next to him but slightly down and a bit away, trying to process my feelings. He was so sweet, and knew I was processing everything. He gently asked if I wanted to leave, as a way to tell me I wasn’t actually a prisoner, or if I wanted to stay. I told him I wanted to stay, and quite honestly, I think he wanted me to stay too, just to make sure I got the appropriate amount of aftercare and he knew I was mentally back in a good place. The entire time, I could only stare down at the bed. Eventually, he tentatively put his hand on mine. Once he knew this was ok, he gently raised his fingers and lightly lifted my chin, to have me look him in the eye. It was honestly the most amazing, sweetest, and needed gesture I have ever felt. It was his way of gauging where I was at. Again, knowing him and the situation, he did EVERYTHING right. But it made me realize the importance of using a safe word, and that it’s a good thing to use. I’ve never used my safe word with him, and I think I was just ashamed/didn’t want to disappoint him. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE CASE WITH HIM. Safe words are there for a reason, and he absolutely knows to stop when I say it, so he can immediately begin aftercare. I need to remind myself of that and use the safe word immediately next time I need to.
-Communication is key. There are certain things (like the last two points) that I really need to communicate better with my Sir. Life has gotten the best of us since then, and we haven’t had much time to see each other or talk in person. I’m still sorting out some thoughts, but I know that when the time is right, we will face to face discuss some things on my mind in an open and safe way. I have failed because I haven’t communicated certain things with my Dom, but I know it’s done better face to face, not over the phone or text. I do love that just about every day we check in with each other; we’re both know what’s happening in each other’s lives and support each other as friends too. We both have a healthy respect for each other, and I can genuinely say that I am so incredibly grateful that my Sir is in my life, both as my Sir and as my closest friend.
-It’s important to feed my vanilla side too. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good play session, but part of me is a hopeless romantic. I’ve had a boat load of friends-with-benefits and fuck buddies, but I’ve only ever had one serious official relationship. And the sex in that relationship was the worst I’ve ever had, but that’s an entirely different blog post for a different day. In short, I have to admit that my biggest fantasy in the entire world is something incredibly vanilla: I want to be made love to. That earth shattering, universe and star aligning, hokey, cliché love making. I just want to have my man walk in the door after a hard day’s work, walk up behind me and wrap me in his arms. I want to feel his soft kisses on my neck as he holds me like I’m the most fragile and important thing in his life, but also conveying he needs me so badly and loves me so much, without ever having to say a word. I want him to kiss me like he’ll never be able to do it again. I want him to run his fingers through my hair, and worship every single part of me like it’s our last day on earth. And I want to do the same for him. I want to look him in the eye as we make slow, passionate love. I want to spend the night and whole next day in bed, connecting physically and mentally. And it breaks my heart that I’ve never gotten to experience this, as vanilla as it is.
-I know there is so much more exploration to come. I’m somewhat new, yet a little bit seasoned. There are going to be new limits that arise, some limits may change or become non-limits. There are going to be times where I need to communicate more or use my safe word. There may be times where my Dom will need to remind me that I can use a safe word by asking me if I am at a “green” in the stoplight system.
For now, I think this is enough. I'm sure there will be more to come: more realizations, and more perspectives from me as an independent, fun loving, sometimes vanilla, a lot of times submissive woman.