I’ve got a lot floating around in my mind.
I’m a caring, sentimental person. God forbid that ASPCA commercial comes on; I’m a wreck. Videos of little kids hearing for the first time or seeing clearly for the first time? Waterfall. I’m what some would call an empath and I’m insanely sensitive to the emotions of others. Something really happy? I’ll be just as happy and will happy cry with you. Sad? I’ll lay on the floor with you. Friends often question how I know how someone is feeling or how situations will play out; I’ve even had a few ask me jokingly if I was psychic or read minds. I’m not a psychic or a mind reader. I’m super in tune with everyone and everything around me. I call it a perk of anxiety; I’ve learned to always be aware of everything around me. I always gravitate to places where I can see the entire room, near an exit. I know how many doorways it takes to get out of a building (thank you firefighter father for that one). I may be quiet and reserved at times, but I see and know more than people think. Anyone can be in tune with their surroundings; you just have to slow down and observe. Look at body language. Look in someone’s eyes. Eyes are the window into the person’s soul, and their body language give tells (poker players and gamblers can attest to reading ‘tells’).
Being an empath is also why I call myself an extroverted introvert. I like going out and doing things but I NEED time to recharge. It’s emotionally draining and physically exhausting for me to be in large groups or to be constantly surrounded by people for days at a time. I need my space to reset. I would rather be in an intimate setting with a handful (like 1 or 2) people that I’m close with and that are in my inner circle. I don’t need much; just enjoying someone’s company is enough. Shit we could both be sitting in a room – one person reading, another doing whatever activity they like, and I’d be happy. Just enjoying another person’s presence and company is underrated and uncommon. I’m sensitive, sentimental, emotional, and wear my heart on my sleeve. I give people way more chances than they deserve because I know what it’s like to be misunderstood and not being given a genuine chance. People rush to judgements so quickly, and it hurts my heart. There are reasons people are the way they are. Be patient and get to know others’ backstory. You might be surprised at how alike you are. I don’t know how to not care for others more than I care about myself. I really don’t know how to be anything other than myself. I will ALWAYS blame myself first and no one can be harder on me than me.
Knowing that I’ve freaked out the Dude (my vanilla nickname for Sir in my head/no relation to the Big Lebowski) means that I am even more freaked out for freaking him out. It makes me recoil a lot. It makes me want to push him away as far as I possibly can. I want to run and hide. So I’m taking a self imposed break. I just need to sort out what I’m feeling and need some space. I honestly haven’t reached out to him since Sunday, and we normally text every day (to be fair, he hasn’t reached out either. I’d still answer if he contacted me but I need to hold back for now). I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I made him feel the way I did. I can’t help being sentimental or overly caring about people that I let behind my walls – regardless of whether you’re a friend, family, or more. And it overwhelmed him. I can’t stop thinking of the quote, “when someone tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t”. While I (hopefully) didn’t hurt him, I can’t decide that I didn’t freak him out just because my intentions were different than the way he interpreted them. I acknowledge how he feels and it makes me sad – for a lot of reasons.
I’m sad because I don’t like hurting or making people feel uncomfortable. I’m sad because my own scars and insecurities are showing up now. I freaked out that he thought I thought we were heading towards couple status. Dude showed up in the middle of the ex-best-friend saga. At the moment Dude and I reconnected, I never in a million years thought I’d let anyone touch me again. I never thought I’d remotely let anyone get close again. Dude knocked me on my ass in more ways than one. He’s become a trusted friend. I know I can go to him and he knows he can come to me and we can support each other as friends. I wasn’t looking for any of that and honestly had my guard up against that. I truly thought that we’d do our thing once or twice, and that would be that. I didn’t expect it to be a year and a half later. It also means that I have had my heart on lockdown HARD. I am terrified of falling in love again. It’s to the point that I refuse to allow myself to even think about it or anything to do with it. I need the other person to initiate the “hey I like you lets go on a date” and, if it gets to that point, they also need to be the ones to say “hey, I love you”. That’s how terrified I am. Maybe in the future I’ll have the courage to initiate and feel those feelings first. But until then, I need them to initiate it so that way I know I can put that wall down to decide how to proceed. Maybe it’s overly cautious and anxious. And that’s fine because right now this is what I need.
With all that being said, when Dude expressed how uncomfortable I was – it made me question EVERYTHING. I’m not gonna lie, it’s giving me a lot of anxiety because I never intended this and I thought I was doing everything to make it apparent that we weren’t officially a couple. I thought I was being a friend but at some point I made him feel differently. It made me start to panic. It made me start to question my own feelings and brought up so many things I won’t allow myself to think about. I don’t want to think about the possibility of a relationship with him because of this exact reason – I was under the impression it wasn’t going to happen anyway, that we were, and it was definitely confirmed on Sunday. Now I’m sitting here trying to kick those thoughts out. The what-ifs are starting to float around and the question is floating in my mind and I want it to go away.
But, at the same time, I am trying to at least work on something positive and distract myself from the what-ifs game that’s swirling around my head regarding the Dude. So, I’m making a list of what I want in an actual relationship – a real you’re mine and I’m yours relationship. Not as a side piece, not as a fuck buddy, not as a friends with benefits. Because as much as I feel like I’m not worth being loved or feeling like I don’t have anything to offer except for my lady bits, or feeling like I can never have what I really want or go for anything that would make me truly happy – the logical part of me knows this isn’t true. It’s the getting the feelings and the logic to match up that’s the problem. So. I have some work to do. I need to make a list of what I do want and what I do deserve in an official relationship. It may not fix the way I feel but at least my logical side can present it to my emotional side.
*Takes a deep breath* As always, this is to be continued as I sort through everything floating around in my mind.