Musings of a Submissive

Vignettes and glimpses into a sometimes kinky, but a lot of times vanilla and boring life.
1 day ago. Thu 16 Aug 2018 09:17:54 PM IDT

I’ve got a lot floating around in my mind.

I’m a caring, sentimental person. God forbid that ASPCA commercial comes on; I’m a wreck. Videos of little kids hearing for the first time or seeing clearly for the first time? Waterfall. I’m what some would call an empath and I’m insanely sensitive to the emotions of others. Something really happy? I’ll be just as happy and will happy cry with you. Sad? I’ll lay on the floor with you. Friends often question how I know how someone is feeling or how situations will play out; I’ve even had a few ask me jokingly if I was psychic or read minds. I’m not a psychic or a mind reader. I’m super in tune with everyone and everything around me. I call it a perk of anxiety; I’ve learned to always be aware of everything around me. I always gravitate to places where I can see the entire room, near an exit. I know how many doorways it takes to get out of a building (thank you firefighter father for that one). I may be quiet and reserved at times, but I see and know more than people think. Anyone can be in tune with their surroundings; you just have to slow down and observe. Look at body language. Look in someone’s eyes. Eyes are the window into the person’s soul, and their body language give tells (poker players and gamblers can attest to reading ‘tells’).

Being an empath is also why I call myself an extroverted introvert. I like going out and doing things but I NEED time to recharge. It’s emotionally draining and physically exhausting for me to be in large groups or to be constantly surrounded by people for days at a time. I need my space to reset. I would rather be in an intimate setting with a handful (like 1 or 2) people that I’m close with and that are in my inner circle. I don’t need much; just enjoying someone’s company is enough. Shit we could both be sitting in a room – one person reading, another doing whatever activity they like, and I’d be happy. Just enjoying another person’s presence and company is underrated and uncommon. I’m sensitive, sentimental, emotional, and wear my heart on my sleeve. I give people way more chances than they deserve because I know what it’s like to be misunderstood and not being given a genuine chance. People rush to judgements so quickly, and it hurts my heart. There are reasons people are the way they are. Be patient and get to know others’ backstory. You might be surprised at how alike you are. I don’t know how to not care for others more than I care about myself. I really don’t know how to be anything other than myself. I will ALWAYS blame myself first and no one can be harder on me than me.

Knowing that I’ve freaked out the Dude (my vanilla nickname for Sir in my head/no relation to the Big Lebowski) means that I am even more freaked out for freaking him out. It makes me recoil a lot. It makes me want to push him away as far as I possibly can. I want to run and hide. So I’m taking a self imposed break. I just need to sort out what I’m feeling and need some space. I honestly haven’t reached out to him since Sunday, and we normally text every day (to be fair, he hasn’t reached out either. I’d still answer if he contacted me but I need to hold back for now). I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I made him feel the way I did. I can’t help being sentimental or overly caring about people that I let behind my walls – regardless of whether you’re a friend, family, or more. And it overwhelmed him. I can’t stop thinking of the quote, “when someone tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t”. While I (hopefully) didn’t hurt him, I can’t decide that I didn’t freak him out just because my intentions were different than the way he interpreted them. I acknowledge how he feels and it makes me sad – for a lot of reasons.

I’m sad because I don’t like hurting or making people feel uncomfortable. I’m sad because my own scars and insecurities are showing up now. I freaked out that he thought I thought we were heading towards couple status. Dude showed up in the middle of the ex-best-friend saga. At the moment Dude and I reconnected, I never in a million years thought I’d let anyone touch me again. I never thought I’d remotely let anyone get close again. Dude knocked me on my ass in more ways than one. He’s become a trusted friend. I know I can go to him and he knows he can come to me and we can support each other as friends. I wasn’t looking for any of that and honestly had my guard up against that. I truly thought that we’d do our thing once or twice, and that would be that. I didn’t expect it to be a year and a half later. It also means that I have had my heart on lockdown HARD. I am terrified of falling in love again. It’s to the point that I refuse to allow myself to even think about it or anything to do with it. I need the other person to initiate the “hey I like you lets go on a date” and, if it gets to that point, they also need to be the ones to say “hey, I love you”. That’s how terrified I am. Maybe in the future I’ll have the courage to initiate and feel those feelings first. But until then, I need them to initiate it so that way I know I can put that wall down to decide how to proceed. Maybe it’s overly cautious and anxious. And that’s fine because right now this is what I need.

With all that being said, when Dude expressed how uncomfortable I was – it made me question EVERYTHING. I’m not gonna lie, it’s giving me a lot of anxiety because I never intended this and I thought I was doing everything to make it apparent that we weren’t officially a couple. I thought I was being a friend but at some point I made him feel differently. It made me start to panic. It made me start to question my own feelings and brought up so many things I won’t allow myself to think about. I don’t want to think about the possibility of a relationship with him because of this exact reason – I was under the impression it wasn’t going to happen anyway, that we were, and it was definitely confirmed on Sunday. Now I’m sitting here trying to kick those thoughts out. The what-ifs are starting to float around and the question is floating in my mind and I want it to go away.

But, at the same time, I am trying to at least work on something positive and distract myself from the what-ifs game  that’s swirling around my head regarding the Dude. So, I’m making a list of what I want in an actual relationship – a real you’re mine and I’m yours relationship. Not as a side piece, not as a fuck buddy, not as a friends with benefits. Because as much as I feel like I’m not worth being loved or feeling like I don’t have anything to offer except for my lady bits, or feeling like I can never have what I really want or go for anything that would make me truly happy – the logical part of me knows this isn’t true. It’s the getting the feelings and the logic to match up that’s the problem. So. I have some work to do. I need to make a list of what I do want and what I do deserve in an official relationship. It may not fix the way I feel but at least my logical side can present it to my emotional side.

*Takes a deep breath* As always, this is to be continued as I sort through everything floating around in my mind.

2 days ago. Thu 16 Aug 2018 06:11:07 AM IDT

Yeah, I said it. I might be out of my damn mind. I just booked a last minute get out of town weekend. 

 

Flight leaves ORD at 5:00am Saturday, lands in Phoenix at 6:32 am. Drive 3 hours to Lake Havasu. Spend time with my uncle who is on hospice until 6:00pm the next day when I drive 2.5 hours to Vegas. Lose $20 gambling in Vegas just to say I gambled in Vegas, then people watch on the strip until my flight leaves at 12:53 am on (technically) Monday the 20th. Flight lands at ORD at 6:30am. Drive to work, and work from 8:00-4:30. Drive back to the city and see Pearl Jam at Wrigley Field at 8:00pm. 

 

The most important thing is that I get to see my uncle one last time while he’s conscious and coherent, and I can tell him I fully expect him to haunt the shit out of me with my other uncle (his brother in law - one married my mom’s sister M and the other married my mom’s sister C) that died in March. My mom is one of 12 kids and my dad is one of 6 kids. Big families + lots of firefighters/paramedics/cops/nurses/doctors/Emts/military in the family = a morbid sense of humor and the tendency to go to a lot of funerals.

 

It also gives me a chance to clear my head. 5.5 hours driving through the desert with nothing but music and an open road, plus some drinking/money loss before I leave Vegas and rocking out at Wrigley on Monday night means it’ll be a much needed distraction from the shit show that my life has been for the past few weeks.

 

Bring it on life. (A couple mil won in Vegas would sure make things a shit ton easier too...)

4 days ago. Tue 14 Aug 2018 08:44:14 PM IDT

I just want to preface this with how amazing people have been to me on here. Honestly, I’ve been writing knowing that I get to keep some sort of anonymity which has allowed me to be totally raw and open and vulnerable. I suppose I was figuring people would just gloss over it. I never expected to find the genuinely nice people that I’ve found on here. Thank you kind people of the Cage. I’m not used to feeling... cared for? I don’t know if that’s the right term but it’s a new feeling to have such genuine people give a shit about a (somewhat) stranger. In my day to day life, I have a mask that hides the majority of my sadness. Very few people see behind it and even then, they don’t see it fully. Yet all of you have seen some very very very raw places that I haven’t shown anyone in my day to day life, and have been met with kindness. I think being able to hide is helping with being able to get it out. Thank you for that.


I’m still in the funk, but the fog is lifting (painfully slow but it is lifting). Over the years with the self- help/care and eventually seeking professional help, I’ve learned a few things about dealing with my own depression, anxiety, and insecurities. Maybe they’ll work for you, and maybe they won’t. But I know what has helped me, and if it helps someone else or at least helps them find what works for them, then it’s solid information to share. It’s a flashlight that can help someone else in the tunnel.


1) I realize that anxiety and depression are things I will carry with me for the rest of my life. But that doesn’t mean I can’t learn how to manage it down to the size of a pebble. For years it was like I was Atlas with the world on my shoulders but with help I’ve been able to manage it down to the size of a boulder. It’s still heavy, but nowhere near where it was.


2) The more I try to run from feeling the depression and anxiety – the harder it will hit and the longer it will last. Instead of pretending that nothing is wrong, I have to feel it. It doesn’t mean that I can’t still occasionally laugh or be happy while still feeling it over all, but I still have to process and feel it. My own name for that state of depression/anxiety is called “The Suck”. I just have to sit in The Suck and process it. I’m a human, not a robot. It simply isn’t possible to be all one emotion all the time. I can be depressed while laughing and having a good time, and I can be happy while feeling sad and down at the same time. It’s okay to be an oxymoron.


3) Writing has proven to be beneficial for me, especially at the beginning of The Suck when it’s the most intense. I can get everything I’m feeling out onto physical/virtual paper. It’s a release of everything circling in my head. It also allows me to go back and read it, to get a bit more clarity from the fog of everything in my head. It gets me to my next point.


4) When I’m in The Suck, introspection is key (at least for me). Why am I feeling the way I’m feeling? Is it a combination of things? Is it one thing? What about that thing(s) is making me feel this way? Is it everything and nothing at the same time? Because if it is – that’s ok too. Is there anything I can change and/or do better so that it doesn’t make me feel this way next time? What are the things that I can control? What are the things I can’t control? What am I being rational about and what am I hyper focusing on? The answers to these questions may not initially fix it or make me feel better, but at least I can identify the who’s, what’s, where’s, when’s, and why’s. That way when the fog does life, I can be proactive in identifying triggers/stressors so I can be a bit more prepared for the next time. I can also work on those things. The only way through is through. Not over, not under, not around. Sometimes you have to be like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption and go right through the shit to get out of the metaphorical prison you’re in (I don’t recommend actually escaping from actual prison- you’re probably there for a reason and will be in a hell of a lot more trouble than what it’s worth).


5) It’s okay to genuinely laugh when you’re in the suck. Sometimes there are situations that pop up that are actually funny or that genuinely make you happy. That means the light is starting to poke through. You might want to fight it. I’d be lying if I said I don’t try to fight it. But it’s important (again for me at least) not to fight it. Let it in. It’s scary and something I’m not used to and it’s going to take a while to get used to and that’s ok. It might even help lift the fog and give you traction to get out of The Suck just a little bit.


Again, these are all tools I’ve collected through my own journey with and without therapy. What has worked for me is doing a lot of work on myself and finding the tools above. That’s included seeing a therapist, taking a low dose of anti-depressants that has proven to work for my body, and having anti- anxiety medication on hand just in case a panic attack blind sides me. It may not happen for months or even years, but it’s still better to be prepared than to be hyperventilating in a room full of people who don’t understand what’s going on. It’s not a comprehensive list, and it may not work for you. I’m not a therapist or a doctor. But I am someone who’s lived with the “invisibles”, the anxiety and depression and panic attacks, long enough to know a thing or two. And if it helps me, then maybe it will help someone else. Maybe it won’t, but if I can share something that helps someone else, then please, take my flashlight. We’re in this tunnel together.

4 days ago. Tue 14 Aug 2018 04:57:45 AM IDT

As I wait for this funk to pass, I keep gravitating to this song. Writing helps me get it out, music helps me feel what I don’t have words to express. 

 

 

“Well as we grow older, and we lose ones we love, our hearts learn to bear a great a load. But the one who is sleeping, is the one who comes home at the end of a long lonesome road. And oh don’t you feel like the ocean, moving with tide? Hiding always in motion so deep and wide. Don’t cry little darling, it’ll all be alright. The sun is always setting on us.”

5 days ago. Sun 12 Aug 2018 09:16:14 PM IDT

 

Sir and I have sort of talked. We still haven't seen each other in quite a while, and I'm not wrong about him pulling back. From what I gather from our brief conversation, I've been coming on too strong to him, and he took that as meaning I thought we were an official couple, and that freaked him out. He was honest and just wanted to make sure I wasn't thinking we were an official couple. I know that what we have isn't officially anything. He was clear from the beginning, and as was I. Now I feel like a complete piece of shit (which I know wasn't what he intended, the feeling like shit comes completely from me. I get too hard on myself had have believed I'm shit for the majority of my life...but that's another story). I can't fault him for being honest with me. I just feel embarassed. I feel ashamed. I feel like I should have known better and like that's what I was doing. I think my biggest problem is that I care too much. I give too much. I try too hard. It comes from my own inadequacies, and my own brokenness and insecurities. And I can see where that's coming across to him as too much. And all I can do is just keep apologizing to him. 

 

I just feel so stupid. I'm literally going over and over and over in my mind every single thing that I've done. I'm starting to question where I'm at and what I'm feeling. Am I feeling something more? Have I been lying to myself about how I'm feeling about him? Am I just overreacting and blaming myself and beating myself up too hard (which is something I commonly do)? Is this just embarassment and shame and guilt? I don't know anymore. But judging by the multitude of things I'm feeling, I think I'm going to be the one that needs to pull back the most. I may need to even end this. I know it's likely me running like I always do. I just, I feel like I'm an idiot. I feel like I'm starting to get to the point of no return and that it won't end well. Let's be honest, when I get to that point, it never ends well. I end up getting hurt because I give too much. I care too much. I'm so torn. Aside from the amazing sex, he really has become someone I look forward to hearing from every day. He's been an amazing friend. He's been there when I've needed an ear. I hope I've been and have tried to be the same for him. But it sounds like I've been too much. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I don't want to lose him as a sexual partner either, but it's to the point that I feel like if I go any further with that aspect, I might fall. And I am terrified of that happening. Because that will mean I have given everything. And I can't break my own heart anymore. I'm scared that by cutting that off, I'll be cutting a friend off that means a lot to me as well. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. This is exactly why I refuse to allow myself to want anything. This is exactly why I deny myself of any opportunity to go after anything that I want. This is why I don't hope or dream for things. My life has done nothing but prove to me that I don't deserve things that I truly want. I feel like I'll only be superficially happy and not truly happy, especially if I go for it and give it my all. 

I've never known what it's like to not feel broken. I'm just tired. I'm tired of having to do this all alone. I'm tired. I'm so tired of being tired. 

1 week ago. Sat 11 Aug 2018 08:26:11 PM IDT

*Takes a deep breath*

I'm feeling a lot of things. I feel anxious and stressed and sad and a whole host of other things. Maybe it's because womanhood is supposed to show up in a few days and I'm extra emotional, compounded with the amount of stress I've had at work and the anxiety I've had because of it. Maybe it's just my normal anxiety and depression. I don't know. But the fact of the matter is, I feel... a lot. 

 

I feel like Sir and I have been drifting apart latey. I know he's been working so hard and is so completely exhausted between work and his mom recovering from having cancer twice in the last 10 months, but when we haven't physically been together in well over a month - maybe even close to two months - I start to question a lot of things. Does he still find me attractive? Does he still want me? Does he not want a sexual relationship from me anymore? We clearly still text every day and are involved in knowing our day to day things, but I just feel like he's pulled back a lot in regards to us sleeping together. I keep trying to set up a time for us to get coffee or just hang out and watch a movie, but a lot of times he's either working (which is legit, especially since he's one of the bosses and they're short staffed), or he's exhausted and tired, and has to be up in a handful of hours (which again, is also legit) or has to do normal things that he can't fit in because he works too damn much to even get a chance to sleep properly. While I get all of that, I still start to wonder, to question and to immediately think it's me. 

 

I know he and I aren't in any sort of official relationship, and I've been totally content with that. As far as I know, he's been content with that also. I don't NEED a label. It would be nice, but I don't need it. As long as I know where we stand, then cool. But my anxieties are starting to take over. My scars are starting to show themselves. And deep down, I’m tired of coming back to an empty home, I'm tired of going to bed alone and waking up alone and not being physically near someone. I’m content with the non official for now, but eventually I just want someone to come home to, to take care of after they've had a bad day or for them to do the same when I've had a bad day. Someone with whom I can celebrate their triumphs and support things they love to do and have the same for myself. I don't want babies at all (but I’d be ok as a stepmom should the right person come along) and don’t need money or anything like that. I make my own money and pay for my own shit. I’m not dying to get a ring either - if it happens it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. Hell I don't even need the BDSM. If vanilla is what flavor we're having, I enjoy it just as much as the kink. I just love sex in general. But I'm also terrified of letting people all the way in, emotionally. I’m scared to show them I’m damaged goods. The ex-best-friend situation is still relatively fresh; while I've mostly moved past it, I still can vividly remember how painful it was to have every single raw part of myself and my soul turned against me and shattered. 

 

I know my Sir isn't the ex-best-friend. He's nothing like the ex-best-friend. He's a complete 180 from the ex-best-friend. So it's not fair for me to assume he's going to do the same as ex-best-friend. But goddamn this fucking anxiety. I wish I wasn't so goddamn sensitive all the time. It's exhausting having the armour up all the time. It's exhausting to always be my own source of strength all the goddamn time. I'm the one that picks myself off the floor. I'm the one that celebrates my successes. I'm the one that pays the bills. I'm the one that cries myself to sleep some nights, I'm the one that consoles myself, I'm the one that makes myself happy and celebrates by myself. I laugh by myself. I cry by myself. I give all by myself. I take all by myself. I’m tired of being all by myself.  Don’t get me wrong, NOBODY is coming to save me and I don't want to be saved. But it sure would be nice to have a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold, someone to support and do all of the things I'm saying here for them so they never have to feel the way I do. Again, while I’m content with Sir and I being non-official/fwb/whatever, I know that he likely won’t ever be able to give me what I want and need. Sure it’s possible, anything is possible, but I doubt he’d ever want anything more with me. And I don’t blame him; I’m damaged goods after all. 

 

I don't want to take something out on Sir that is really just my own projections, but I also just want to know. I don't want to do so over text or over the phone. If I have to do it over a phone call, then I will but I really really really don’t want to do so via text. I'd much rather have this conversation in person. But when very legitimate circumstances between both him and I (shit, my own work has been stressing me the fuck out and to have grad school on top of that leaves me spread thin) prevent us from being able to see each other face to face, my own insecurities and anxieties start to take hold. Maybe some of it is legitimate, and maybe some of it isn't. 

 

All I know is that I'm tired. I'm fully capable of being alone. Hell, I enjoy being alone and enjoy my own company. However - being alone and being lonely are two separate things. I'm tired and I'm lonely. I don't need Superman to come save me. I don't want to be saved. I don’t want to be fixed. But I sure as hell am tired of being lonely and having to be so tired and exhausted all of the time. I'm tired of feeling sad. I’m tired of not having someone to share my happiness and success with. I’m tired of not having someone standing beside me as I fix myself. I’m tired of not having someone to stand next to as they do the same for themselves. Contentment with status quo is fine for now, but it’s starting to get exhausting. 

 

But here I go again with the same routine: allow myself to feel the sadness and darkness for a day or two, then pick myself up and hold it all together on my own like I always do. Don’t let the darkness I hold fool you - I'm fully capable of kicking ass and taking names all on my own, and creating my own light. I don't want to be saved and I don't want someone to live my life for me. I don't want pity and I don't want to be fixed. I can do all that by myself. I just want to care for and be cared about, to love and be loved. I want someone who I can talk off the ledge and who can talk me off the ledge. I want someone I can fully accept for all the light and darkness they hold and who feels the same for me. I just want an empathetic, equal partner in this. Too much to ask?

 

*brushes dirt off, and gets up off of the floor, washes face as the wall around heart tightens just a little bit more*

1 week ago. Fri 10 Aug 2018 06:34:42 PM IDT

Ray LaMontagne and Patty Griffin are staples in my music collection. They’ve usually got a song that hits the spot just right 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 week ago. Fri 10 Aug 2018 03:08:34 AM IDT

I totally dig this song. At first I couldn't stand it...but it's worn me down. It's catchy. 

 

 

 

 

1 week ago. Sun 05 Aug 2018 04:31:45 AM IDT

I don’t let people in and see me at my lowest. I have a hard time actually letting my therapist fully see me like this. I can talk to her about it but I always have my rock face on when I do it. It’s just so instinctual for me. She's seen it fully once or twice, and has been fantastic as she should be. But the only time I did FINALLY let my entire guard down outside of a therapist's office was with ex-best-friend. He is the only person in this world that has seen me in my lowest of lows and highest of highs. He was a soulmate, and I believe that’s why I was able to drop everything and let him see me so raw and vulnerable, even before I’d realized he was my greatest love. 

God he fucking broke my heart. The one person I give literally everything to - every part of my soul - and it all ended with him using it to hurt me further. It felt like a little child was giving their most valuable possession to the one person they love the most, only for that person to swat them away and tell them they’re a stupid and meaningless child (much like with my narcissistic mother). Looking back, I literally can’t feel the way I felt with him then. I remember it. I trace where it used to be. And it makes me so fucking angry that he destroyed me like that. It makes me angry that he’s the greatest love of my life. It makes me angry that even when I see him or hear his voice or see a picture of him that I literally am devoid of any feeling. Yes, he’s still alive and still him. But the him I knew and loved so deeply has died, while the imposter that inhabits him now begs for me to give it a chance. Why couldn’t it have been someone who would have cherished the gift of my raw broken gypsy well meaning soul? Why did he have to be the one to break me?

 

Anyway, this is hands down my absolute favorite song -specifically, this version. If you start it at 3:53 and watch till the end - god damn the electricity between Stevie and Lindsey. The hate and hurt and love and obsession and threats and everygoddamnthing about their relationship -  it’s all in that interaction. 

 

 

 

2 weeks ago. Fri 03 Aug 2018 05:24:43 AM IDT

Is it "all the people I don't want to talk to contact Isla" day or something?

First, it was burrito dude. The back story about his name isn’t as sexual as you’re thinking it is. Two and a half years or so ago, I was on lunch break at Chipotle. I had just walked in and saw some coworkers and stopped to talk to them. I saw this guy awkwardly hovering behind me like he didn't want to cut in front of me because I had walked in first. So I turned and said, "oh I'm gonna be a minute you can go ahead." Done, simple, didn't think anything of it. Two minutes later I walk up to the line having already forgotten about the previous interaction when I look up and see this dude awkwardly smile and say, "oh go ahead, you walked in first." I told him it wasn't a big deal and that I let him go first so he can go first. Well of course he just walks around me like a smartass leaving me in front of him. Ok, whatever I think to myself as I awkwardly laugh and thank him.

Of course he just starts yapping away, and I slowly start realizing he's hitting on me. And I mean VERY slowly. Like painfully slow. It wasn't until midway through my order I realize it. See, I'm not used to getting hit on, especially in public. Actually, this is the only time I've ever been hit on in public, much less by a stranger. I was confused. And a little flattered. But mostly confused. I went to fill up my drink and before I knew it burrito dude is next to me and says, "I need your number. I'm having too much fun talking to you and need to continue this conversation." Before I knew it, he had it. That weekend we met up at a local dive and chatted. It was a good time but I was still skeptical, one because I'm fat. There's no way around it. I'm not the typical girl that people hit on or take on dates. I mean, I've been told my face is pretty and my emerald eyes are gorgeous. Know what - think Melissa McCarthy. That's what I look like. And I tend to have all of the same mannerisms/humor as she does. I know this because I hear it ALL. THE. TIME. No I am not Melissa McCarthy. Second reason is because he was SO. FUCKING. HOT. Like boy next door adorable hot. He had a really good job (he's actually a psychiatrist) and a car and a house and seemed like he had his shit together. 

Long story short, we end up in my car in the parking lot where he ended up fingering me and sucking on my tits, and I ended up blowing him because there it is - he just wants a fuck buddy. Figures, I'm used to it, go with the flow. This is also after I met the ex best friend/had sex those three times because we were becoming friends, and prior to figuring out I was madly in love with said ex best friend. Needless to say, I was just stoked to be getting some from someone really fucking boy next door hot with his shit together.

And let me tell you - burrito boy did not disappoint. His cock was average and nothing to gawk at, but he ate pussy like it was the only way for him to get oxygen. Like I would start blowing him and two dips in he's like, "I NEED TO YOUR PUSSY NOW OTHERWISE I'M GONNA CUM." God he was a fucking champ at eating me out. Like he'd eat me out for an hour because he loved it so much. Sex with him as as vanilla as it gets but I'll be damned if he didn't eat me out like it was his god given right. Then it slowly started to seep out.... burrito boy has a fat girl fetish. There it is. Fuck buddy with a fat girl fetish. I know this because he asked me if he could feed me. While we were having sex. HELL. NO. I'm all for kink, but that is a HARD limit. I am SO self conscious about my body and I have to focus in order to stay in a place where I can have sex without wanting to hide. And he'd make all sorts of comments about loving my fat ass and getting my big self on over to him, or jiggling my stomach during sex until I finally went off on him gently cause I still wanted him to eat that pussy if you know what I'm sayin. 

Anyway fast forward a year or so, it's two months or so before explosion with ex best friend happens and I find out, burrito dude is married. To the sister of a girl I went to high school with. And he has a kid. WHAT. THE. FUCK. So I ask him to explain himself. He's separated, yes he's got a kid, I should have told you blah blah blah whatever. We talk it out, I'm still uneasy but trust that he's separated, never interact with his technical wife or kid, whatever he's still eating my pussy and I don't have to worry about his wife coming to get me cause they're separated. Yes, I also did some digging and record checking on my own cause homie ain't no fool. 

Eventually we fizzle out, I go through ex best friend situation, meet Sir, am all over the place, and then start getting texts from burrito dude wanting to hook up. A lot of other shit was happening at the time so I was really busy, and burrito dude makes a snide comment, to which I reply back that I have a life and I can't think about him 100% of the time, which makes burrito dude Say something to the effect of “well you still live with yor mom so good luck with that” and  block my number on his phone. Did I mention this guy is a psychiatrist AND ten years older than me? Yeah. Also for the record, living with my mom = saving money and paying off massive student loan debt so I could move out on my own and be able to afford it (which I have since done thank you).

So anyway, last weekend I get a text from burrito dude saying, "Any Chance?"   REALLY? So I'm like well hello stranger haven't talked to you in a year. Words were had, he's clearly realized how much he misses me my pussy (I mean it is amazing if I say so myself), and I respectfully turn him down because I'm still with Sir (which burrito dude doesn't know); even though Sir and I aren't in an official relationship and technically I'm free to move about the cabin, I still feel like it’s be cheating and like to be monogamous regardless of official or non official status. Anyway, I make up the exuse that I'm on my period and that's that. 

Today burrito dude texts me like all is good and we're picking up right where we left off and he's all intersted in my life blah blah blah whatever. OH! He called me Babe in one of his texts. I FUCKING HATE BEING CALLED BABE. I don't have a solid reason why except that it feels really skeezy to me. I also hate being called pricess or queen. So don't ever call me one of those three things because to me it's like hearing nails on a chalkboard. Anyway, he called me babe like we’re together or some shit, he still wants to hook up, I'm trying to avoid it while still sorta keeping it in the back pocket for the future should Sir and I part ways and/or never officially get in a relationship because Sir has yet to eat my pussy (really the only downside to Sir), and burrito eats pussy like said champ. 

So there was that interaction. 

 

AND THENNNNNNNN...... ex best friend calls me!! Oh joy oh joy what did I do to be so lucky(insert sarcasm font here). I stupidly answer, give one word answers, it's the typical "I messed up and I miss you and I love you buddy and when are we gonna hang out" bullshit. So here I am saying what the fuck to myself over and over. I'm also somewhat cranky cause I've felt like I've been initiating contact lately with Sir. So I'm on day three of not reaching out first, and I still haven't heard from him (which is not our typical MO because we usually talk everyday cause we're close friends also...). I keep trying to be rational and say that there's a reason, and it's because he's busy with work (which he legit is) and he's on a new medication that makes him really tired (which he again legit is) but of course irrational insecure me is in the corner rocking back and forth being all anxious and insecure and doing that stupid, "I'm not texting him until he does it first" bullshit because I'm a fucking emotionally anxious/insecure dork or something. 

GOD DAMNIT!

*Takes deep breath*

 

Thanks for letting me vent and be irrational and not trying to fix me guys (no seriously, i just need to vent and please don't try to fix me). I'm gonna go do this grad school homework that I've been avoiding now....