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Dear Diary- A lifetime to get here

Introduced to the idea I might be a submissive took me completely by surprise as I am an alpha female in other aspects of my life. I had suspicions I was kinkier than most when a boyfriend tied me up once and I REALLY enjoyed it. Unfortunately, it was what I know now is a one off. After we broke up, my life went into overdrive for school and then career leaving me no time to explore this side of myself. Fast forward 20 years and I found myself in an online dating situation about 5 years ago. A gentleman I met described himself as a Dominant man in the bedroom which I inderstood to be someone who takes charge. Yes yes- I know this applies and what I mean is my understanding was not of the D/s relationship, just an assertive man. Yes please!! Athough we never met in person, we had a fabulous on-line, phone sort of thing going. I would look forward to the nights we had scheduled to “play” with great anticipation and would be very turned on by the time the phone call occurred. I would inform him what toys were available to him and he would tell me what to put where and when. Anticipation is a very strong aphrodisiac for me so having someone else take control was arousing. Masturbating with my toys which I am very familiar with (maybe bored with??) suddenly held new interest for me. He informed I might be a submissive with the first thoughts of “You are joking, right??”. While I began to investigate and research a little, my phone friend found a 24/7 sub and I found a vanilla boyfriend. Vanilla and I ended in April of this year and I thought it might be time to REALLY investigate. I found The Cage on Saturday. I am learning so much about the community however, the most interesting discoveries so far have been about myself. Perhaps those shall be the subject of my next posting. As a novice, I have no outlet to express my thoughts to similar minds (yet). (I am grateful to one certain member here who is what I would say qualifies as a Gentleman Dom. His words resonate with how amazing I believe the D/s relationship could be. While I search for a “support” group, the ramblings of my mind on this journey will be detailed here in an attempt to fine tune the path.
Thanks for reading
2 years ago. Oct 21, 2018, 9:13 AM

I have come to appreciate I was not born an Alpha, rather it was something I morphed into as my training and then career demanded. Split second decisions, sometimes hard ones, needed to be made; they had  to know if you were going to get emotional or “take it like a man” and move on. Like the ocean erodes the cliff, so did my submissive little girl. The Alpha persona started to work its way into all other parts of my life. I never saw it coming and I can only see it now if I look in the rear view mirror. It wasn’t as bad as Godzilla stomping the city, but you get the idea. So, I decided to try a little experiment over the last two weeks. Whenever possible, I brought out my submissive self in my day-to-day activities. In my thoughts, in my voice, in my interactions with people..... even my clothes. Turns out the “school girl look” I dig is actually on the racks in the stores right now. Wore a pleated plaid mini skirt and white button down shirt out with friends last Saturday and felt FABULOUS!!! This softer, gentler, more girly side of me is my true self and it is pretty amazing to rediscover. I always thought GirlyGirl was my costume; I had it backwards, Alpha-woman is my costume. How appropriate, what with Halloween just around the corner. That time of year when people can dress up and pretend to be something they are not.  OR perhaps they get to dress up and be that one thing they are at their core. I can rock a WonderWoman costume and have done so for the last couple of years. She is a woman of power and I needed her strength at the time. There is ABSOLUTELY no way I can put that costume on this year. And what I have chosen to do this year thrills me. I have the cutest little polka-dot 1950’s house-wife dress (complete with the underskirt to poof it up) which I found at this 2nd hand boutique near me. And I have found all the associated adornments to complete the outfit. I am looking forward to being that one thing I am at my core (or one piece of it anyway).  The best advice I keep seeing over and over is take some time and get to know yourself. Amen and Hallelujah- so far, so good..... I like GirlyGirl...... she is who I emulate.....It still requires some focus (training of this type cannot be learned or unlearned overnight ) and the great news is she gets easier - more natural- every day.

2 years ago. Oct 8, 2018, 9:02 AM

While grooming etta (my dog), I thought about the relationship I have with her and the similarities I perceive between this relationship and the D/s relationship. There is a leader and there's a follower and both are just as important in the equation. She trusts me with every fiber of her being and her sole desire is to provide love, laughter, affection, and adoration.  She is always awake just before me, ready to greet me the moment I open my eyes. If she is with me, she is happy. When I call her, she always comes, even if it is for a haircut, which she doesn't like. I am aware of how much she loves me, which makes me love her more. In return, I provide everything for her…not the material things but the important things; affection, love. Today, I thought about how I gently hold her when I'm trimming sensitive areas, how I pause and tell her she's a good girl, and how I reward her when through.  In my mind, I extrapolate that to the D/s relationship. The Dom is the leader, the provider, the protector, the giver of affection. The sub craves to please the Dom because when he feels loved the Dom makes the sub feel content, safe, desired, loved protected, adored.....as humans, we have the additional components of being able to use words to express our feelings and to be able to have discussions about how to create those feelings. We also have sex for pleasure which only strengthens the bond.
Sure thing...... you will find me curled up in the protective arms of my Dom after he “pets” me.....smitten as a kitten (and purring like one too)

2 years ago. Oct 5, 2018, 10:50 AM

 It was a busy day at work which required my mind to be in overdrive for most of the day as I am the problem solver in my office. When the problems are large, solutions are found in the wee hours of the morning.  The solutions for two of the larger problems have been written down for discussion in the a.m. with the powers that be.   I could try to pretend that I would be able to sleep and yet I know that is futile. So, here I am. A natural born puzzle solver, finder of sutions, I like to think through problems while doing something requiring a minor amount of concentration, for instance working in the garden (aka playing in the dirt).  “My mind is clean when my hands are dirty” shoot ...... that takes on a whole new meaning in this environment… that’s not how it’s intended… LOL… But I digress ......We have been blessed with an unusual amount of lovely weather allowing some extensive yardwork which in turn has given me the opportunity for reflection.   What I have discovered are repeated phrases or ideas I have maintained throughout my life. For instance, what asked what do I  look for in a man, from the beginning,  I have always replied “I need to feel protected.”   New, I understand it is my nature as a submissive to need this.  

 

The media portrays BDSM as a “Rough and tumble world” which it may be for some people but not for everyone.  I had always made the distinction between bondage and kinky because I believed there was a difference.  I like scarves, anticipation and mind seduction which  I identified in my mind as kinky.  Since I did not enjoy the videos of extreme restraint I had seen, I did not think I enjoyed bondage.  I understand now it is ALL just about the personal preference of the involved parties.  

 

When people ask me what I’d like to be when I reincarnated, I always reply a well-loved pet.  No no.....I am not speaking about being treated like or acting like an animal; it holds no interest for me personally.  What I am referring to are the similarities if one extrapolates it to the D/s relationship.  If I go into that here I’ll be up all night, so I will save that for tomorrow or another day.   Suffice it to say,  I see no reason I need to be reincarnated.  This situation is available here and now. Well,  maybe not right here and right now, but certainly available and worth searching for. 

 

Another phrase spoken more than once is “I would have made an outstanding 1950s housewife.  I would create an enchanted home and greet my man at the door with his martini”. In my head, I was this cute little 1950s woman, with a beehive, wearing pearls, an apron,  heels and not much else devoted to her man - just didn’t share THAT part.  Now I know, how that fits into my submissive subtype.  The outfit of course, would be  different and it would be what Daddy is expecting in my hand but you get the idea.  

 

One more for now...... “I don’t care what It is.... if you do it well, I will watch”.....Usually meant along the lines of artistic type endeavors- Drawing, painting, sculpting, glassblowing, haircutting, I watched a show where they competed by decorating blank spaces, Project Runway.....I knew I liked to watch porn- “who doesnt??”was my thought.   I realize now I may have from voyeuristic tendencies (wink).  J&P gave me a glimpse of real voyeurism and now I know why I liked it so much.

 

I can hear my bed calling my name-Good night

2 years ago. Oct 3, 2018, 9:52 AM

The past..... things I’ve always known about myself and was never really able to express or explore.   Maybe I just didn’t know the right people.  A late bloomer until 17 when I thought it was time and seduced a friend. OK - not so much seduced rather “suggested” because 18 year-old boys are very easy to convince.  He happened to be extraordinarily well endowed making for an interesting experience. My singular thought was they can’t all be that big, can they?? Some years passed before I had the opportunity (or the desire) to experiment again. This time it was a serious boyfriend and it was nice. College-college-college....... then Richard. My boyfriend during the end of college/beginning of grad school, we had what I still consider to be a great sex life. He was a little experimental- (Ah-Ha - me too!! Says so on my BDSMQuiz). The down side was EVERYTHING was a one off for him. To my dismay, nothing struck his fancy enough to stay - even a little D/s with me as the D (alpha female remember?)

The one I remember the best was when he tied me up with some scarves. (Ah-ha - TheQuiz says Rope bunny)

My thoughts:
1- WOW!!!! I have NEVER experienced anything like that.
2 - Are you kidding me???? What kind of orgasm was THAT??? And can I repeat it??
3 - OMG is there something wrong with me??
4 - No, you’re a kinda-kinky girl (and in my head Rick James says “the kind you MIGHT take home to mother”)
5 - Isn’t kinky a bad thing???
6 - Definitely NOT!!  

I also remember he did not like it as it was a “lot of work”.

Our lives went in different directions, I finished graduate school and began the early stages of my career. My sex life for the next 15 years would be described as mostly vanilla. Sure there would be a little of my kind of kinky here or there, maybe my hands held up over my head, a little anal play and maybe some role-playing. It was a regular person’s sex life - some of it was amazing, some of it was horrible and of course, everything in between.

Around 2000, I met J&P, two gay men who taught me how gay culture embraces “kinky”. There was never anything sexual between us; however, I had the pleasure of watching 3 times and have heard them on many occasions. P could make money moaning which is uber erotic to me!! We watched porn together - gay and straight. Laughter and critiques were bestowed on bad blowjobs. Notes and instructions were provided on those they deemed to be good. (Ah-ha!! My first opportunity to explore my voyeuristic side). Retrospectively, they helped me further explore the experimental component of my sexuality. By accompanying me to my first toy store, they helped remove any and all anxiety I have about purchasing anything for which I am truly grateful.

My BF at the time was a little bit of a voyeur. Once J&P asked if we wanted to watch them in their sling to which we promptly replied “ABSOLUTELY!!!” Later, BF asked if I would ever like to try something of this nature. While my mind was doing cartwheels in excitement, I replied “I think that would be really fun!!” Inside - “Are you kidding me?!?!?!?!? yes yes yes yes yes!!!!”
Outside- “Let’s ask them about it sometime”. Before we had the courage to bring up the subject, J&P asked us to house-sit for them. Apparently our interest in the sling must have been obvious.  When we arrived for the weekend, there was a bottle of wine on the counter, instructions on how to clean when complete and a note suggesting we enjoy the “facilities”.
And we did. 

Life goes on and let’s fast forward to the last 5 years. As an educated woman, my mind requires a certain type of stimulation as a true aphrodisiac. Please do not misunderstand. Sex is great and I would say I have a healthy appetite. HOWEVER, the appropriate mental input changes things for me exponentially. One of my dating profiles used to say “seduce my mind, my body will follow” (Ah-Ah!).  The opening line of most men where I live is “I like trucks” so naturally a well spoken Dom (Daddy maybe) was able to seduce me from a distance.  We were geographically distant, never met in person and he met Bella at a local munch. They aren’t quite 24/7 as I understand it. For instance; both work 9-5ish, she picks her outfits for the day but all were originally picked by him. There are days she gets to stay home, tend to the house and then gets the pleasure of tending to her Dom. I like the sounds of that (Ah-ha!! submissive it is for me!)

I cannot explain HOW I found the site.  I know I was reading erotic literature, perhaps it was a link I clicked?  For me, who cares???? How fabulously fortuitous I did!!