Online now

thoughts of a sakana

A place to say things whenever I have something to say.
4 days ago. Wed 13 Nov 2019 08:51:45 AM IST

I'm a hedonist, I get off on this shit.


You have no idea, the parties, the excess....


Pleasure transcends sex. I feel it in so may ways. In food, in music, in conversation, in travel, in discovery, in new experiences, in substances, in submission, in pain, in beauty. Pleasure is my raison d'etre. the brain chemicals, it's really as simple as that. whatever makes me feel this fucking good....


I lose my goddam mind. When I'm on the rail, breaking my neck to a filthy bassdrop. When I'm getting fucked stupid, when I meet a complete stranger on the street and engage with them like I've known them a lifetime, when I'm in a sex club getting used like the object I am. Puppy space, object space, slut space, rope space, rave space, gourmet space, all of it. Ugh. Wherever. I'm too deep in my own realities. It's entirely unreal, makes you question everything. And then nothing, because you don't need to think.


Just drown. Just revel. Dionysus and the gods of chaos await. And giving in feels so sweet.

Reveling in madness, giving in to the most primal desires..... 


I do this as often as I can. I want it all the time, I can't pass it up. I love it, during and after. The high is surreal. After, my body will be aching and sore, and every painful movement reminds me of how alive I am and how incredible my pleasure is. 


And maybe someday I'll actually pay for it. But until that day I'll continue to indulge.

5 days ago. Mon 11 Nov 2019 08:18:12 PM IST

Just leaving this here. I just found this and I really like his perspective on safety and safewords.



I don't really ever use my safewords - or at least I haven't in the past. I don't want to disappoint my partners, I want to push myself, and I really reeeeally don't want to end a scene. But having a stoplight system in place, and double checking, is a really good thing, because you can more closely monitor what's actually going on. Green and yellow should be used to steer the scene in the right direction, so that red doesn't have to get called.

And I definitely agree with there being personal responsibility. A dom can check in and ask how their sub's doing, but can't effectively manage the situation if they aren't given truthful information.


So that's something I can work on personally, communicating more effectively through a safeword system during scenes.


....just some thoughts. Have a great day, y'all. ^^ <3

1 week ago. Fri 08 Nov 2019 06:50:49 PM IST

My Mistress needed a vase. Her boyfriend had sent her flowers.


She had that sexy lip-bite smile and twinkle in her eye that I love. She said she wanted to do something nice for her husband, for when he came home from work. So considerate.


She ordered me onto the coffee table. Yes, Your Grace. The wood was cold against my bare arms and knees. My ass was facing her front door, and I felt deliciously exposed. She ran a hand up my back as she walked around me.  I gasped as I felt the first cold, rough stem scrape my cunt. She slowly slid them in, on after the other, and I remained still on the table as a good vase should. She came around and kissed me, her eyes filled with delight. 

Such a pretty vase.

Thank you, Your Grace.


It didn't take long for him to come home from work. I heard him stop, but couldn't see his face. He exclaimed, I heard them kiss, he took pictures and they admired me as I was still on the table. It was hard not to beam. I love making them happy. 

1 month ago. Mon 07 Oct 2019 07:51:26 AM IDT

To say "I dodged a bullet" would be wildly inaccurate. The gun decided not to fire.


Why do I wish it had?


I met him by chance. Not many girls in that seedy corner of the internet have self esteem and standards, and so I intrigued him. As we conversed he weaved beautifully disturbing fantasies with his silken voice... Perhaps he would happen upon me in an ally and fuck me senseless without so much as asking my name. Perhaps he'd send his friends to join. And if he took a liking to me, maybe he'd keep me in his basement and sell me, to god knows how many men. My existence reduced to a sex toy. My only worth in how much pleasure they could squeeze from my body.




No, his. His body.


Engaging in these types of fantasies with someone I'd just met is, I know, a huge red flag. But being across the pond (and very, very trusting when I'm subby) I risked indulging. I mean, how could I help it? In a matter of hours this stranger had recounted scenes I'd lived a thousand times before in my head, without ever having heard them. He wanted to use me in the ways I wanted to be used. He was terrifying, animalistic, charming, sexy. Almost perfect.


He wanted to break me. Take all my limits and crush them with his bare hands. He commanded me to do something foul, unthinkable. I refused. He was convinced that I'd give into him and let him do whatever he wanted with me. I refused. He came anyway, three times, fantasizing about my sacrificing my morals and humanity to please him. I listened, horrified. Horrified at his pleasure, and horrified at how turned on it made me.


He ghosted me, and we haven't spoken since that night. But I fantasize about him often. He fits so perfectly into that shadow in my fantasies that's sat empty for so long. I pleasure myself imagining him raping me, then tossing my exhausted body to his friends to use, smirking down at me as I babble incoherently from sensory overload. Reaching my breaking point, begging them to stop, then breaking completely and begging for more. It's made me come countless times since we've spoken. 


I spoke to a friend about the situation after it happened. Their response was "your submission is worth more than that."


I know. I do. But even so, if he reached out to me again, I'd probably give in. I'm very lucky he hasn't.

*sigh*. I know better. I do. But a sub can dream. 

3 months ago. Fri 19 Jul 2019 02:09:43 AM IDT



I'd never met anyone with a pierced hood before. Never given much thought to it, until that weekend. And god, what a weekend. The four of us (plus the occasional guest) indulging in pleasure and debauchery for three straight days. The ladies both had theirs done. I can close my eyes and picture it. They were so beautiful, with those little jewels glistening above their lips. The metal clicked against my teeth as I pleasured them. Their moans and wetness got me hot.


It was sexy as fuck, and it got me thinking. I'd always disliked being eaten out, and I realized that was primarily because I was self conscious of my body. I decided it was stupid to be so paranoid of what others would think of my vagina, and that I was being rude to myself for treating it like something to be ashamed of. 

I thought, and I wanted to change. I wanted to get my cunt pierced. 

I told them, and we went the next day. I haven't gotten anything pierced since I was a kid and I was scared as hell, but in the end it barely hurt and I couldn't be happier with the results.


Jewelry is a decoration, a form of self expression and a way to accentuate one's appearance. To have my cunt literally dripping jewels is such a beautiful way to express my sexuality, and to appreciate my body for the pleasure it gives me.

I really love showing it off, so I hope you enjoy. :)



7 months ago. Tue 16 Apr 2019 08:48:17 PM IDT

{this blog is different from what I normally post; if you don't like sexually explicit stuff then this one is not for you. this is NOT fiction - I just had a really awesome night and felt like blogging about it. ^^}


He didn't fuck me last night. I loved every second of it.


I was just leaving work last night when I got his text. "Do you want to come watch tonight?"

Immediate response. "Yes please Sir. Thank you!"

"This will be very service oriented. You'll massage her and watch us. You probably won't get much of me, is that okay?"

"Completely fine, thank you Sir."


I went to his at 1:30am. There was a beautiful girl I'd never met in his apartment, her nipples and bellybutton pierced, her skin covered in ink. I gave her a coconut oil massage and watched as she sucked his cock. I was permitted to use my mouth on her, and eagerly did so, kissing and sucking and licking her cunt as she continued to pleasure him. He told her I was very obedient and that she could use me as she liked, which made me very happy. 

Then he fucked her. I laid beside them and played with her nipples, her hands grasping at me as she moaned beneath him.  He had me lay on my back beneath her as he fucked her from behind. I licked her pussy as he did, his balls slapping my face. I caught snippets of little nothings they'd murmur to each other, watched them kiss passionately. She rode him, and I licked her tight little ass.

He decided to take a break from fucking her, and we both cleaned his cock at the same time. We'd share his shaft, then she would take him deep while I turned my tongue to his balls. His moans told me we were doing well. I was euphoric; I wouldn't be surprised if I was enjoying it more than he was. 

We spent hours in his bed - the two of them, and the fucktoy they used. He covered her back in cum and I got to clean her up with my mouth. We dried off with a towel and then I just laid with her for a bit, snuggling, stupidly happy. 

They moved to the couch and I sat naked on the floor (personal preference - he makes fun of me for it), and we chatted for a while. Then he told me to dress and escorted me to the door. 


Guys.... fuuuuuuck. Honestly when he first brought up the concept of me watching him fuck someone, I wasn't sure how I'd like it. But I love being used by him so I assumed it would be fine, and I wanted to try it.

And now I know. Being a voyeur is awesome. Being a sex toy accessory to someone else's hot fuck is awesome. And I knew this already, but goddamn I love eating ass.


Hmm. Maybe I should not get fucked more often. 

7 months ago. Mon 08 Apr 2019 04:29:45 AM IDT

...........why do we feminize 'dom'? Is the word 'dominant' so intrinsically masculine that it's necessary to add an 'me' to it when using it to refer to a woman?




'cause I think that's dumb. But I'll keep doing it anyway for the sake of inclusivity I guess.... *pouts*

7 months ago. Wed 27 Mar 2019 05:09:37 PM IST

For years I pushed you away. I was afraid of you.


....but something's changed. You're so exciting. I gave you a try and now I can't get enough.


I put my lips to you, heart racing in anticipation of what's to come. I take you into my mouth, closing my eyes to savor your taste. You are vibrant, tropical, earthy. And you're hot. So damn fucking hot.

I tense as that familiar tingle begins. Your heat spreads through me and I start to pant, suddenly foggy headed. Nothing else in the room exists, just your presence and my body on fire. I'm high off you. I'm in public, but I can't help it. Panting and gasping for air, I try to quiet my voice and keep still. If I were alone I'd surely be writhing on the floor in the sweet grip of the pain you inflict. 


I can't take it. You're too much. I pull myself away, wiping snot and tears from my face with the back of my hand, gazing at you through hazy eyes. You're smirking, I think. You like watching me like this. 


The heat is starting to subside.... I want more.

I take more of you into my mouth. It's worse this time - or, better? You hit the back of my throat, hard, and I try to repress the urge to cough. My hands flail. I'm vaguely aware of how I must look. I don't care though. You're worth it.


"How are the wings?" 


I look up. My waitress is standing by the table, looking a little concerned. 


"Amazing," I pant. "That hot sauce is no joke." 


She laughs and nods. "I'll bring you some more napkins."


"Thank you," I cough. You're still smirking at me from the table. Sadist.






I've recently discovered the natural wonder that is hot sauce! And I have since decided that it is, while an object, 100% sadistic. Looks like objects *can* be on that side of the slash.... who knew?


Favorite hot sauce, everyone? Or favorite type of spicy cuisine?


7 months ago. Wed 27 Mar 2019 07:33:48 AM IST


In regards to relationships, I'm open as fuck. I develop intimate (not always sexual) connections with people fairly easily, and often. I used to shame myself for this - I'd wonder why I couldn't be satisfied by one person, and tell myself I was a terrible girlfriend. I tried to suppress my desires and stifle new connections, but doing so made me feel completely miserable and trapped. And every single time, without fail, it blew up in my face.


Now I give people a disclaimer. 'I'm not monogamous, and if my having multiple intimate relationships is going to bother you, then this isn't going to work out.' It's still complicated, but my life is so much better now. I don't feel guilty, and I don't have to suppress my emotions and desires. Everyone is aware and consenting. And every connection I make brings a unique joy to my life, and satisfies different needs.


*the point*

I used to think of bdsm as a single need that could be fulfilled by a single person. I'm starting to think that that's probably not the case. It seems most subs have different 'sides' that they want to be fulfilled, and I am no exception. I have a slut side, a puppy side, a rope bottom side, and an object side, and that's an incomplete list. So to theoretically be completely fulfilled I'd have to find someone who satisfies all of those aspects of my submission on top of having good chemistry with me, which is a damn tall order.

The alternative is to leave some aspect/s of my submission unsatisfied, which may be fine for a time but won't last forever (not for me anyway).


But I thought being unsatisfied was my only choice. I thought that D types could have multiple subs, but that it couldn't work the other way around. After all, how could you *truly* be giving up control, if the person you're submitting to has to share that control with someone else?


To start with a semi-accurate metaphor, just to offer a visual, picture a couple with one car. They both own the car. They both use the car. The car is in the control of whoever is driving at the time.

Now, I have never considered myself a 24/7 sub (or slave) in the first place. There will always be some aspects of my life that I need control over, and I have no intention of ever giving complete power to anyone. That being the case, I don't see why I should let any one power dynamic prevent other potential dynamics from developing.


So I think I'm going to try containing my submission to time spent with the person I'm giving it to, online or off, and see how that works for me. No "homework", no limitations on other relationships, no overlap into the rest of my life. When I am with that person, online or off, they have my complete attention, complete devotion, and the 120% effort I put into submitting. 

I am not actively searching for multiple power dynamics - I am not searching at all, mind you - I'm just not denying them if they happen to develop. And hey, this is a journey and a learning experience. I am questioning my beliefs and expanding my experiences. Time will tell where this road goes.


*post script*

This is the part where I'd *love* to say something snarky and apathetic about potential backlash, since I'm sure there are people who think I'm 'not a real sub' because of my opinions.


But you want to know the truth?

I'm incredibly sensitive when it comes to how others see me. I'm afraid of negative reactions. I've been told I'm not a real sub before, and I could write a whole blog post on how much that hurts. 

At the end of the day, what everyone else is doing doesn't work for me, so I'm finding my own way. And isn't that why we're all here? Vanilla doesn't work for us - what we're "supposed" to do in a relationship doesn't work for us - so we've found ourselves on the Cage. 

I love this all so much. I can't even tell you how much. It's all so beautiful and intense and intimate, and I *need* it. I need bdsm in my life. Submission, when and while I give it, is something I pour my whole heart into.

So I ask you to be slow to judge. We may engage in bdsm differently, but it's still something that connects us, you and I. 


*sigh* Well, thanks for reading all of my word vomit. You deserve a butt pic or something.



7 months ago. Mon 18 Mar 2019 06:39:58 AM IST

At work. Alone for the last half of my shift. Bored.


So I decided to take my panties off.


I slipped away from the lobby desk and into the computer room (in which my boss insists there are no cameras, and here's to hoping he's right). I shimmied my black pencil skirt up, and slid off my red lace thong. Bundled it up, put it in my pocket. Returned to my desk.


It flipped a switch. Professional mode went from auto to manual. Maintaining my welcoming smile suddenly required effort. My thighs quickly became sticky and warm, which made it harder to focus, which made them even stickier. (Oh gravity, thou art a bitch.) I wondered if any of the guests I checked in caught a whiff of my scent. The last hour flew by.


Such a simple, cliched action... yet such an intense result.
I thought about the D types who tout themselves as kinkier, darker, more intense than the rest. Those who brag about being unsatisfied by typical "boring" kinks. I am happily not among those ranks. 

Of course creativity in kink is divine. I love it. But I also love the tried and true, simple, little things.


Being blindfolded, for example. Having your senses heightened, and enjoying the thrill of not knowing what will come next.


A good, simple, over the knee spanking. No tools, just pain and pleasure and closeness.


Or just not wearing panties for the last hour of your shift. 


Just because something isn't new and unique doesn't mean it's boring or has less worth. I don't ever want to lose my appreciation for the little things. They're important.

They will add a layer of beauty and intricacy to your world, if you let them.