7 months ago. Wed 27 Mar 2019 07:33:48 AM IST
In regards to relationships, I'm open as fuck. I develop intimate (not always sexual) connections with people fairly easily, and often. I used to shame myself for this - I'd wonder why I couldn't be satisfied by one person, and tell myself I was a terrible girlfriend. I tried to suppress my desires and stifle new connections, but doing so made me feel completely miserable and trapped. And every single time, without fail, it blew up in my face.
Now I give people a disclaimer. 'I'm not monogamous, and if my having multiple intimate relationships is going to bother you, then this isn't going to work out.' It's still complicated, but my life is so much better now. I don't feel guilty, and I don't have to suppress my emotions and desires. Everyone is aware and consenting. And every connection I make brings a unique joy to my life, and satisfies different needs.
I used to think of bdsm as a single need that could be fulfilled by a single person. I'm starting to think that that's probably not the case. It seems most subs have different 'sides' that they want to be fulfilled, and I am no exception. I have a slut side, a puppy side, a rope bottom side, and an object side, and that's an incomplete list. So to theoretically be completely fulfilled I'd have to find someone who satisfies all of those aspects of my submission on top of having good chemistry with me, which is a damn tall order.
The alternative is to leave some aspect/s of my submission unsatisfied, which may be fine for a time but won't last forever (not for me anyway).
But I thought being unsatisfied was my only choice. I thought that D types could have multiple subs, but that it couldn't work the other way around. After all, how could you *truly* be giving up control, if the person you're submitting to has to share that control with someone else?
To start with a semi-accurate metaphor, just to offer a visual, picture a couple with one car. They both own the car. They both use the car. The car is in the control of whoever is driving at the time.
Now, I have never considered myself a 24/7 sub (or slave) in the first place. There will always be some aspects of my life that I need control over, and I have no intention of ever giving complete power to anyone. That being the case, I don't see why I should let any one power dynamic prevent other potential dynamics from developing.
So I think I'm going to try containing my submission to time spent with the person I'm giving it to, online or off, and see how that works for me. No "homework", no limitations on other relationships, no overlap into the rest of my life. When I am with that person, online or off, they have my complete attention, complete devotion, and the 120% effort I put into submitting.
I am not actively searching for multiple power dynamics - I am not searching at all, mind you - I'm just not denying them if they happen to develop. And hey, this is a journey and a learning experience. I am questioning my beliefs and expanding my experiences. Time will tell where this road goes.
This is the part where I'd *love* to say something snarky and apathetic about potential backlash, since I'm sure there are people who think I'm 'not a real sub' because of my opinions.
But you want to know the truth?
I'm incredibly sensitive when it comes to how others see me. I'm afraid of negative reactions. I've been told I'm not a real sub before, and I could write a whole blog post on how much that hurts.
At the end of the day, what everyone else is doing doesn't work for me, so I'm finding my own way. And isn't that why we're all here? Vanilla doesn't work for us - what we're "supposed" to do in a relationship doesn't work for us - so we've found ourselves on the Cage.
I love this all so much. I can't even tell you how much. It's all so beautiful and intense and intimate, and I *need* it. I need bdsm in my life. Submission, when and while I give it, is something I pour my whole heart into.
So I ask you to be slow to judge. We may engage in bdsm differently, but it's still something that connects us, you and I.
*sigh* Well, thanks for reading all of my word vomit. You deserve a butt pic or something.