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My musings

Thoughts, daydreams, nightmares of my mind.
If you see "e" in the title it's explicit in content.
12 hours ago. Fri 18 Oct 2019 03:48:28 AM IDT

I sort

I cry

I load

I cry

I miss you more and more each day 

I wish I didn't have to wait another 9 weeks 

 

 

3 days ago. Tue 15 Oct 2019 08:16:01 AM IDT

I passed. I'm moving on to the next class. yah

Now for sleep. 

4 days ago. Mon 14 Oct 2019 12:39:37 AM IDT

So yesterday was a day. Part of me wants to say I accomplished nothing. That is the negative in my mind. I had a wonderful mental health day. Today I am ready to tackle the studies. I do have most of tomorrow too. Will be meeting up with a class mate later today too. I will do the best I can, I have one more chapter to read, 6 labs to finish/do, notes to update, and as far as extra credit I can write 2 term papers and do the labs and packet tracers on chapter 11. Hopefully I can get to the extra credit. If I don't pass, oh I don't want to think that. Tomorrow is the online portion of the final, 50 questions, 1 hr 15 min time limit. Everyone will be in class doing that. Once we are finished we are to leave the room. Those who didn't sign up stay the rest leave they are done for the day. Now me I signed up for the monday 2nd part, it is the skills based assessment. We will be configuring routers and switches, making cat-5 cables, yes making cutting the end, separating the colors, putting them into the correct order there are 3 ways they can be, and putting them into RJ45 connectors and clamping them shut to then be connected to a tester to make sure they work. That part we get up to 1 hour to finish. If we don't pass we do get 2 more chances. If I pass I will be done till Friday, if I don't I go back Wednesday and try again. Friday we have the opportunity to make up our 2 lowest tests. I will be doing that so chapter 6 will be thrown out because it is the lowest(his policy), then the 2 lowest at that point are 3 and 7. So those I will redo. Then we bar-b-que. We are so lucky if we pass we get a whole 2 days off before class B starts. Yes you detect sarcasm. 

Yes this is being wrote when one would think I should be studying. I have to get this out of my mind. So yesterday. It was the Halloween play party. It was great. So hum where do I start. So I has work in the morning, picked up lunch on way home, ate, talked to my mini me. Then I decided my hair had faded to much looked to see what I had and realized I didn't have enough green. Took a shower 1st, hair can't be conditioned for this. So I went to get it and dinner, went home, put color in, colored pictures when it was sitting, washed it out, dried it, curled it, did the makeup and at that point I really needed to go. Got to borrow some on the kids Jeffree Star eye shadow. Now on to the party.

Wow just wow, WOW WOW WOW. There were some good scenes going on. Some friends I got to see. Some(and this bugs the hell out of me) clicked going and didn't go, was looking forward to seeing some. 

So pumpkin pie and fire hose. Those 2 things I will never look at the same again. Negotiated the fire hose early on. When I got there fire hose guy was in the middle of a scene using it. What is it, a doubled up strip of fire hose with a handle used to beat the hell out of willing victims. I have wanted to be a victim of that. At first a few months ago I thought one, well maybe 2 strikes. One each ass cheek. Then as time went by thoughts maybe 4, 2 each. Well we just went with the statement of a few with that I would say when. I am not sure if I got 6 or 8. If I didn't have to be sitting studying I would have got more. That was so fun. I expected it to be more thuddy that it was. I love sting, thud pisses me off. The bruise I got was about the size of the palm of my hand. I didn't look at it last night, I didn't get home till almost 2 am. I completely forgot about it and was exhausted. Thought about it this morning and looked. Yah a bruise. I like bruises.

Now the pie. They had a thing, not sure what to call it not exactly a game, but a competition. They had a list to sign up for pumpkin pie eating and human furniture. I signed up to be furniture. The pie was a mini pie placed in a regular sized pie tray filled with whipped cream. Visualize 4 people on their hands and knees with the pie placed on their ass and the eater behind them trying to be the first to finish. Can't use your hands other than to hold the hips of the furniture. I have a good ass and low back to hold a pie tin in place, My eater won. It was so much fun. I would do it again.

I already admitted and told Sir I wore panties because I thought there would be a chance I would play. He was ok with that. I am a lucky girl I have open permission to play. I just don't do anything sexual. I can't. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and be proud of my behavior if I did that. I do share with him the things I do, it makes him happy to see me living life. I think he has seen Dom's who expect there subs to disappear from living once they are together. He won't allow me to do that. 

I got many compliments on my dress and hair. I know it shouldn't but it does shock me still when I get compliments, especially from young women. I know it's not accurate but I think I'm an old lady, what would someone see in me. I need to learn to tell that to shut up. 

I have a feeling many will not look at pumpkin pie and fire hoses the same again. 

6 days ago. Sat 12 Oct 2019 06:49:31 AM IDT

I want to fuck myself to sleep.  But that generally takes some time.  I have work early tomorrow morning.  So much studying to do. Will have to take a nap tomorrow too. Party tomorrow night. Haven't seen my friends since class started.  I write everything ok with the idea Sir could read it. Although I know he never will. The important things I copy and email.  Tomorrow will be 11 months.  I only cum for him. Some pictures excite me, some bring me peace and comfort.  Some make me giggle.  Some I can really hear his voice.  Some I can feel his hugs. I hope I can go in Dec.  I say that because with school i dont work as many hours and money is tight. I may have to borrow it.  I'd do it though. Oh I want to be tied to the ferret. Cold steel next to my body. To be bent over a bonnet.  Ugh. I should stop. 

Good night all my kinky friends.  

1 week ago. Fri 11 Oct 2019 05:23:27 AM IDT

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what your going to get.

It is what it is

It's what you make it

It's the luck of the draw

maybe it's all of the above with more

I had every intention today to get some homework done in the couple hours of down time on 2 trips today. Bahahahahahahahaha Well to start my homework if online, I bring my tablet for wi-fi and have all my stuff. Problem is where I took them the power has been shut off thanks to PG&E so cell tower is out too no reception. Fine I'll make do with something else I was going to do this weekend write down the steps for all the different switch configurations I may get quizzed on. That's fine I guess. That trip was 7am to 230 pm. Then straight to next trip I'm still on it, I should be off about 930 pm then on to home. I get to the school where they are playing and I need to eat yet I am tired so i take a nap, omg that was a great nap. I really needed it. Then I walked down to get food, figuring I can do my homework in the bus. I get back eat my dinner yum del taco cali beyond burrito with extra fries, love my fries. I get done pull out my homework and it's getting dark what the hell. I havent been outside in the evening except in an enclosed classroom for weeks didn't realize it got dark that quick and early. I still try ugh its a two computer project. I only have my laptop so if I even do it, it's extra credit, I will have to do it when I get home tonight. I say tonight because deadline is tomorrow when I get to class. Class starts 6pm and that is our last chapter test. Before that I have to be at work at 1030 and done about 315-330 then 1.5 hour drive to class hoping there is no a lot of crazy traffic being it's a friday. Hahaha. I only go in for the test tomorrow then we get kicked out the other class has to do there presentations. Next week is hell week, online portion of my final is monday then I do the skills based part just after that. I get 3 chances to complete that. It takes about an hour to do. So If I don't pass it monday I get another chance Tuesday then if not again Friday, yet Friday is the day we do the redo of the 2 lowest tests. This weekend I have to write my 2 extra credit term papers too. And now I have a small trip Saturday morning. I refuse to not go to the Halloween party. I don't intend to play necessarily. I definitely will not do rope I need to focus to much for that just yet. If something comes up I'll consider it. Mostly I go to socialize and see friends. I have permission to play. I don't do anything sexual. I wouldn't even if i had permission. Besides I think we have turned a page in the keeping me at a distance. I have not heard back on the email specificialy yet. But I know things are good. He has had the flu all week. He's getting better just still sleepy. I know to expect this and I am doing my best to not feel needy. It's difficult when he sleeps most of the day. But he needs his rest. More that the average. I have got more hugs and more emotional talk this past week that I ever have. I love it, Well looks like the game is over yah. Now get to go drive is wind gusts. boooo

1 week ago. Wed 09 Oct 2019 01:26:59 AM IDT

Now I'm by no means a writer. But this is what came to mind. I challenge one of my writer friends to go from here.

 

 

 

The fillies frolic in the mud puddles, anxiously awaiting the riding crops. 

1 week ago. Tue 08 Oct 2019 04:53:17 AM IDT

1 week ago. Sun 06 Oct 2019 10:46:05 PM IDT

I got this several years ago to trick or treat at Disneyland.  It's been in the closet since. I had forgotten about it and then what it looked like.  I think I'll wear it this weekend.  Now to decide what bra to wear with it.

1 week ago. Sun 06 Oct 2019 07:01:23 PM IDT

My mind is my enemy 

It would destroy me give half a chance 

I would not survive if I wasn't just a little stronger 

Sometimes I don't feel stronger 

 

 

The water consumes me

I try to catch a breath 

I'm pulled under again 

Clawing at nothing 

Half catch a breath 

Pulled under again 

Do I just stop fighting 

Do I just let go

Maybe if I stop fighting it will let go

No longer interested in the game 

 

I continue to wait. A smile and good morning is a good sign right. I'll get a response when he's got alone time. May take a day or so.

 

I'm studying with a fellow student this afternoon.  Hopefully we can both manage to retain the material. She adhd, me add. Should be interesting hopefully we don't see a bunch of squirrels.  

 

I hate waiting, well for this response. Some things I can wait for but other things NO, HELL NO. I know I've been all over the place lately.  Between school and Sir it's been a very rough road.  He'll week is one week away. Next week test Monday and Friday. Final following Monday it's a 2 part. Something with it has 3 chances to pass. Don't think for a moment this is the easy way out because it's not. This is a very difficult class. We started with like 35 were down to 18. And no not everyone will go on to B. My text book and lab book are over 400 pages each. I'm behind enough I'll be writing the 2 term papers.  Have to decide what chapters yet. 

I have not figured out how to reduce my stress. If I rest and relax just a bit I feel I should have studied.  If I study when tired I don't retain. Some of my eating disorder issues have come back,  it scares the fuck out of me. I'm trying to take steps to counter the problems.  It's just taking energy and effort I don't have.  

Please try not to be to worried.  Anyone can message me privately too. This is about my only avenue of some kind of social life.  I finally get to go to a Halloween play party this Saturday.  Now I have to figure out what to wear. I think I have a flapper dress still from years ago. I can't afford to go buy anything.  But then again I don't have to dress up.  It just would be fun.

1 week ago. Sat 05 Oct 2019 10:30:37 PM IDT

I bared my heart and soul.  I can easily deal with difficult,  hard, ugly situations.  I can deal with death and tragic much better than good nice and loving. I'm used to men treating me horribly not good. I told him he doesn't have my consent to change how I feel.  I won't let him change his exit plan just for me.  The email is sent. There's no turning back.  I'm more scared he will love me back the way I deserve,  the way I want. I can easily cry get mad and move on if he's a jerk.