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My musings

Thoughts, daydreams, nightmares of my mind.
10 hours ago. Wed 22 May 2019 03:05:16 AM IDT

Who am I? How should I behave? I know these may seem like silly questions. I went from being a child, scared, confused, hating life and myself. To being a drunk at 13, not knowing how to deal with death, not wanting to deal with surviving without my grandpas. I drank for 10 years, fucked up my life, lost custody of my daughter on her 3rd birthday(thankfully to my parents), I got sober a week later(8-28-95). I foolishly got into a relationship almost immediately after treatment(BIG NO NO). I didn't know who I was or what I really wanted out of life. Then I stepped into hell. Yes I am partially to blame I should have never got involved, got out sooner, IT IS WHAT IT IS. So that brings me to 2016 I was done, stick a fork in me done. Took almost 2 years(21 months) to become finalized. I gave myself time, I needed time to heal, to process. To grieve the loss of what should have been, what I was promised. I kept encountering men who were either intimidated by me, thought I was a domme to there sissy side or flat out couldn't stand a confident independent woman. I thought I had to change who I was. I thought I had to be something different. I'm far from average and learning that is ok. 

So that brings me to now. I have a friend who keeps telling me to be me, do what makes me happy, live for myself. I couldn't understand that. It made no sense. I thought I was being myself. I didn't realize till recently that I was not being myself in all my life. I am who I am with friends. I am the person who is supportive, will help anyone even an enemy. I am submissive, have been all my life. I know some who will argue with me on that and I honestly don't give a shit. I came to an understanding some months ago if you don't fuck me, buy me presents, or pay my bills you have no say in my life. And even then its up for debate. There is one on here that unknowingly helped me see that I can be me and someone will want me the way I am. I'm sure it will be a touch more challenging. I'm up for it. So now I am working on being my more authentic self. Many have helped me with this they know who they are. 

I am being the me I want to be today. That is a flirt who is super busy trying not to drive herself insane with school. Chatting with friends, making new friends. Pulling a play out of the guys playbook and chatting with a couple guys. For now its just getting to know. I have always been a one chat at a time, wonder if I have missed a good one or two because of this. So if and when (girl can dream) something becomes serious I will let anyone else I'm talking to know I have to step back to give something a chance. I flirt with flirts and its all on the up and up everyone is on the same page. When I get serious with someone that will stop. 

My heart still belongs to one who I can not have. It's not exactly a one who got away, it's complicated, very complicated. I do believe someone will eventually take that top spot. And he will just be a great friend. Until then I will do what I have to do. 

So now who am I, what am I? 

I am submissive to a one. 

That one will have to show his dominance, no wishie washie.

He will have to be comfortable with my abilities and skills.

He will have to be ok with my power tools being mine, no touching unless your assisting me.

He will have to be ok with my bit of tomboy appearance. 

In return he will get a most loyal, caring, giving, sensuous, control freak who desires to loose control. Who desires to be put in her place. Who will always have his back. Will go to war with him. Who many others would fear if shes ever hurt. 

Today 

I am strong

I am confident

I am amazing

I am me 

11 hours ago. Wed 22 May 2019 02:02:37 AM IDT

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1 day ago. Tue 21 May 2019 06:19:36 AM IDT

I'm beginning to feel more me. I'm beginning to accept me.Love me or hate me I am who I am. You will always know where you stand with me.

 

Very true for me. Wish it wasn't true.

I feel sorry for those who try to tell me to calm down. Calm down who do you think your talking to. I don't calm down. I process and get over. Once over it's over. 

1 day ago. Tue 21 May 2019 04:09:40 AM IDT

My rant full of cussing so don't bitch.

Yes I'm all over the place tonight. I'm fucking tired exhausted. I'm fed up with bull shit. I'm choosing to not say the things I want because there not fucking nice. There are things people can do to stop things they choose not to. Get the fuck over it. I'll trade you fucking problems. 

 

 

 

 

2 days ago. Mon 20 May 2019 03:56:30 AM IDT

Nothing like having some fun finally thanks to one who suggested it and just when..... muscle cramps in both legs. S.O.A.B. 20 minutes later and some pain relieving roll on, now where was I. 

3 days ago. Sun 19 May 2019 12:42:03 PM IDT

This was one of the best ice creams I've ever had. I love chocolate but honey lavender is my new favorite.

4 days ago. Fri 17 May 2019 11:38:42 PM IDT

Omg I passed. Yah

Me

4 days ago. Fri 17 May 2019 07:37:18 PM IDT

5 days ago. Thu 16 May 2019 11:34:41 PM IDT

Just a ray of sunshine for those who need it.

 

And try not to beat yourself up over silly things. I took my walk 2.5 miles, read couple blogs, finally felt tired, took a nap, now it's time to go and I did ZERO studying. Won't be home till about 6, another 12 hour day. Then try to study for final that's at 8 am tomorrow.  

6 days ago. Wed 15 May 2019 05:43:42 PM IDT
  • There are a few who have helped me see who I truly am.
  • That who I am is more than enough.
  • Today I will begin my new journey.
  • Thank you to those of you.