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My musings

Thoughts, daydreams, nightmares of my mind.
5 hours ago. Thu 21 Mar 2019 02:12:33 PM IST

Am I enough for one. Would anyone want me to be there one. I do not handle rejection well. It creates more doubt. I lay here awake crying wondering what is wrong with me. Why can I not get my chance at happiness. I think after this weekend I'll take a step back and reevaluate. I say this weekend because Im committed to something. No matter how much of a mess It will be. Some people suggested I offer something for a fantasy auction. To help with my being shy.  I know what I would like to offer but for the preservation of my heart I will not. I'm taking pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. Most can't resist them. Hopefully I don't leave in tears. I wish these awful words would leave my head. Worthless,  ugly, who would want you, fat, stupid,  gullible,  naive,  repeat, repeat, repeat. 

11 hours ago. Thu 21 Mar 2019 08:14:17 AM IST

Chocolate peanut butter . Not much better.

2 days ago. Tue 19 Mar 2019 02:26:32 PM IST

Live your life for you. What does this mean to you? I know what my brain says but don't think it is accurate.  

4 days ago. Sun 17 Mar 2019 06:42:25 PM IST

I am not changing what is after my name. I am not adding more than Sir when I talk of him. I am collared. I have protocols. It is online. If you have a problem with that, scroll on. Yes I am a sensitive woman. Yes I am submissive. But don't think for one second that I will roll over and listen to your b.s.. I will screen shot and report. I will no name blast you. My momma bear side is starting to show. Picking on young women my daughter's age. And your a grown man, shame on you. You WILL get my vanilla world Domme side. I shake my finger in your face, shame on you. And you know who you are. You do not need to like any of my comments again EVER. 

4 days ago. Sun 17 Mar 2019 12:29:24 AM IST

Peer rope was so much fun. I got to help a couple new people (I'm new to) with how to connect 2 ropes. It was so fun helping others. That is what I do it's in my DNA. That is where I feel alive. 

In introductions we were asked what fruit or vegetable we were. Well I've said it for some time I am an onion. A white onion. Sometimes strong and sharp and many layers. 

Definitely something to ask yourself what fruit or vegetable are You? I'd be curious to know. Oh btw I'm still high so hopefully crash doesn't happen till tonight have much to do today.

Rope hugs 

5 days ago. Sat 16 Mar 2019 03:23:34 PM IST

I should not be awake. Did not sleep most last night and just went to sleep when I got home at 2am. Still trying to figure out how to ask others if they would be interested in pickup play. I need my sleep for in a few hours I have peer rope. I'm super excited about this. I love rope.  It is my drug. It is also my demon. I am aware what it does to me. Definitely a love hate relationship. 

It was brought to my attention I may be leaning to much on someone. They want me to learn to fly on my own. In the past flying on my own ment me being confused as Domme. Me being cold and uncaring. I do not want to be that person.  I like being my loving caring softer self. I've always been bad at starting projects and not finishing them. This is nothing new,  it's been all my life. After my ex moved out I had motivation to get some things done.  A year ago I bought lumber to make a river table. It still sits untouched. Last July I changed my job. I started with a company during summer break and loved it. I was a school bus driver (absolute masochist). I did that for 13 years, 5 hours a day split shift 180 day a year. Summers holidays and weekends off.  Now a charter company. Most times I find out my schedule couple days ahead. March 1-15 105 hours. 2400 miles approx. Now with going to school too since Jan. I used to watch a lot of tv, ridiculous amount. Now I have probably 8 shows I have not watched a single episode of this season. Never have I been so busy. This person believes I haven't touched my table because of them. Reality is I haven't done many things because I've been so busy with work,  school and going out to munches and private dungeons. My protocols with them keep me from leaving the community. It keeps me sweet and soft. Without them I am metalica, five finger death punch,  soundgarden. I am my head strong. That person was alone. That person didn't need any of you, didn't want any of you, because you hurt and leave so why let you get close. I don't know an in between. So yesterday I got to my head strong space it doesn't look pretty on my. A true Domme saw me Thursday night and last night . She said I looked prettier last night. The difference Thu was hs ucky. Friday morning I got I was a good girl and looking good, and more than the short good morning what do you have today. Yes I shouldn't have fallen in love with my trainer my Sir. It happened. I am trying to find a replacement. I messaged a man yesterday hoping he was going last night, but wasn't feeling well. Maybe next weekend at the auction. Oh I found a treasure chest so I have more bidding money(not real). I have rambled enough.  I really need my sleep. I will try to sleep till I wake. Even if I over sleep rope. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. 💜💜💜💜

5 days ago. Sat 16 Mar 2019 03:23:52 AM IST

A favorite of mine.

 

6 days ago. Fri 15 Mar 2019 08:17:42 AM IST

6 days ago. Fri 15 Mar 2019 12:09:27 AM IST

One step forward 2 steps back. Feeling insecure again. Feeling things I shouldn't be feeling . If Sir was to say he isn't happy I would be deviated. I would let him go though. I do not think he is on here I do not know. It does not matter if he was. I read way to much into lack of words. I need to do better at just reading what is there not what isn't. What isn't screams at me though. All this because responses are getting shorter and I didn't hear I was a good girl.  I think I need a nap. 

Followup * Sir said I am over thinking again. That my work, education, and involvement in the scene are more important to him. And  "I do not want you to become too attached to a mental image of me instead of finding someone you can connect with there.". Well hell. I became attached a long time ago. I do look I tell him I do look. I don't know if he believes me. I feel like he's asking me to unlove him. And that's not possible unless he hurts me. I sure hope that doesn't happen. Uuugggghhhhhhh.

 

To those I've become closer with here I really would appreciate thoughts even if I might not like them. Both D & s accepted. 

 

 

1 week ago. Thu 14 Mar 2019 06:12:58 PM IST

I'm very curious what the different Doms here think about a sub reaching out. Do you find it to forward for a sub to like your profile? What about sending a message? Do you prefer she take that first step? I'm sure I'm going to hear everything under the sun and maybe some from a distance black hole galaxy, that is ok. I will listen to all viewpoints. And let me say now thank you for sharing,  not that I won't later.