Online now
Online now

My musings

Thoughts, daydreams, nightmares of my mind.
If you see "e" in the title it's explicit in content. And most is not kink related so if that's what your looking for keep moving.
12 minutes ago. Feb 17, 2020, 4:53 PM

I have been on a cloud since Friday morning. I got to have the best conversation in over a year,. Even better than when I went and visited. I thought I had walls. It is a beautiful sight to see someones walls come down. I never thought I would see such a thing. I thought that would be something mostly Doms would see. And people who have known me since just after he and I go together they are seeing the light in my eyes. So the plan is to go back end of May beginning of June for 3-4 weeks. It started out no don't it's to expensive to I will be staying with his best friend. They live in the same town. I know why I am not staying there and it is a legitimate reason. No hes not married. No I'm not being kept secret. I was getting ready to go out last night and send him pictures of my hair, I redone the color. And said :wish I going to see you" and he said "in time".  That is a first. I can't wait to go. I have heard the saying "Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt". Well I have a opposite one "Better to open your mouth and let one know your feelings than keep it shut and allow doubt".All my doubts and insecurities have been stripped away. As long as I stay out of my head which lies to me all the time.

I am feeling a bit like I am behind the 8 ball again. I have work I need to catch up on. House work to do. There is just not ever enough time or energy. I felt great this morning even though I did not get enough sleep. Then this afternoon my drop hit. I was out when it came on, so I left because I thought I had a homework deadline tonight. After I got home I looked and the deadline is now the 1st. I am so thankful for that. This is hard enough to write let alone read 30 pages. People talk about don't pick on me for my spelling, oh fuck I am on my laptop and if something is spelled wrong it's underlined red and there have been so many spelled wrong that I just type a bunch and go back and fix it. 

I had lots of fun last night. I went to a private dungeon. I like this group of people. I love hanging out with my kinky people too. Many in my community that I know are poly, There are many who play with others too, Which is fortunate for me because I don't have a play partner at this point. And when I am with HIM he is not into impact play. I like my impact, I like my sting. i did get a few bruises. Not as many as I thought I might, but also didn't want much or any because of work. I have to drive another 500 miles tomorrow. I know it wont be as long as Friday, That was a crazy 18 hour day. I think I have Tuesday off, I hope so because I have been going. Today I went to leather church and tomorrow night I plan to go to rope bottom support and discussion group. 

Merriam-Webster: involving, having, or characterized by more than one open romantic relationship at a time, Urban dictionary: The state of having multiple sexually or romantically committed relationships at the same time, with the consent of all partners involved. I am not. I am not typical. I am more demisexual. Urban dictionary: Not experiencing any sexual attraction to another until a greater bond is formed. sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person, And I am heterosexual.  

Anyways, even though I am going through drop right now. I have a few people I can talk to and it helps. And I am so thankful I didn't implode my relationship. I came so close to doing it. And the next morning the most amazing beautiful conversations took place. Someone had asked me if I trusted him 100%, they thought I didn't but I did, I have for a long time. Now I have no doubts. And I couldn't be happier, well can't exactly say that I would like to be there now. 

1 day ago. Feb 16, 2020, 4:24 PM

I still have a difficult time with this. Once I know you and your pronouns I usually am ok. My mind says they/them is a negative connotation.  I grew up in they/them was a looked down on, lower class,  negative, often times referencing race. I will have to work on this as it is my shortcoming.  To remember it is not negative yet positive.  I inadvertently referred to an individual by their born gender, not knowing their preferred roll. It was brought to my attention.  I wanted to crawl under a rock. I need to get this out of my head,  I will be in a ugly space later most certainly from drop. Today though I have promised people I will be out at a function today. But I need more than 3 hours sleep. I'll take any advice people have.  

2 days ago. Feb 14, 2020, 9:08 PM

I know what I bought it for. Curious what others think.  

3 days ago. Feb 14, 2020, 4:27 AM

Really is it all that better. Once you feel real love you can't imaging life without it. Once I had a real good orgasm I can't imagine not having another. Once I had sex I can't imagine not ever having it again. I think of someone I know who happens to be very inexperienced with many things and all I can think is your so lucky. I know that doesn't make sense but think about it. Once you experience something amazing, wonderful, delicious, satisfying can you imagine not ever having it again. That sounds like torture to me. But then again I think different, backwards sometimes. Because I would wish everyone love, fantastic sex, delicious foods and amazing sights for the rest of their lives. But we all know that isn't exactly how life works. We must live, learn, hurt, cry, and do it all over again. I am still looking for my magic wand to grant everyone's wishes, fix all problems and make this world a better place.

4 days ago. Feb 13, 2020, 2:06 AM

So LDR sucks. 4970 miles is not exactly close.  Initially it wasn't supposed to be much more than friendship.  Then my heart got involved.  Then I went and visited. Now I'm in 100%. And that's with knowing this is only going to be a handful of years. Limited time is easy to deal with over the distance.  Can't just jump in the car and be there in a few hours. I hope more than anything I can go this summer.  I want to move there and get to know him even more.  Feel his touch. Part of me thinks who am I kidding I'm never going to move there. I have to not think like that.  Today has just been a down day.  I brought this pain on myself.  He tried to push me away.  He told me "I'm not what you want I'm not what you need ". I think I'm to damaged for anyone.  I need to do homework.  I need to stop thinking this way. I wish this feeling on nobody not even the fucking assholes who have blocked me.  I feel sorry for you. I hope this is acceptable homework,  this is something I have been assigned to do.

4 days ago. Feb 12, 2020, 9:52 PM

Keep your diamonds your roses and cards.

Don’t need the chocolate don’t need the carbs.

I’m not into shiny trinket things.

I’m about the love and meanings of things.

Tell me the reason you want and desire.

For that is the way to my heart’s desire.

Gold chains do nothing for the wetness I feel.

I want your love and devotion, that is real.

So if you see things that make you think of me take a picture and send to me.

For flowers wilt and die in time.

Basic cards can get bought by any dime.

Jewelry breaks and gets lost through the years.

My love for you will stay through the tears.

One day this will all be a distant memory But my love for you will ever be.

5 days ago. Feb 11, 2020, 8:14 PM

So I have been curious of this for some time.  I didn't understand anal training when I came on this site. I say that because ass play is nothing new to me. Now I'm wondering if anyone has used or considered horseradish, hum. I also get sidetracked with the term figging. I think of figs and honey with goat cheese. I'm a cheese snob. I love cheese with fruits and honey. Oh human table I'd be that. I'd eat honey off someone too, but I'm also a honey snob, no grocery store bear here. I took a couple left turns. I was surprised at how much there was with a basic search for figging.  And the images. That is why I went with this image. Curious if anyone has tried and what they thought.

6 days ago. Feb 11, 2020, 6:14 AM

Every time I go to write something about me, personal, I hear in the back of my head “oh but it’s not kink”. I say that because I have seen comments in forum about can we separate or make something to separate the stories, kink, vanilla writing. That is why I put in my description “And most is not kink related so if that’s what your looking for keep moving”.  Anyways, I have read some things lately and so much we are similar yet different. One thing is for sure we are all human with feelings. Some like their feelings hurt you would think with my past I do but I don’t. Many are fearful of sharing their thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. I get it. I have always been an overly emotional girl. All my life really. I have also for many years been a sharer, including the person in line at the grocery store. A bit of an over sharer. I am not exact when this started. I am a recovering alcoholic and one thing I remember hearing early on was I am only as sick as my darkest secret. And there was a time that life well it was unbelievable and if someone asked how I was I would tell them, so between no secrets and this is how I am doing, I shared. I see it as if many know something about me then one can not use it against me. I also see it as who hasn’t made a mistake, nobody is perfect. If more people talked about the mistakes they have made maybe the stigma of perfection would be less. I laugh inside when I see people say stop pointing out my spelling. Fuck the only reason my spelling isn’t showing bad is because of spell check on the pc or predictive text on the phone. Maybe one day I will write something on notepad it doesn’t have anything. I wonder if people could read that. Maybe that will be an experiment. Oh and punctuation I don’t understand a lot of it.

 I think during my marriage if I didn’t share with others I would have probably gone mad. Part of me wishes I had never got married but I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t. I dealt with my ex using drugs, nearly dying, depression. He didn’t work for most of the years we were together. The last few years his behavior even had me convinced he was early onset Alzheimer’s. I was taking him to specialists. He would take to much medication, leave the house unlocked(live in a not so good neighborhood), I know there were other things I just don’t remember them anymore, He is no longer a part of my life. He is someone else’s problem. My point I found out he was playing games and doing things wrong intentionally to not have to be responsible. That is when I stopped taking care of him (15 years) and filed for divorce. There were years I thought about leaving but was terrified I wouldn’t be able to financially survive. There were years I believed I was the problem. If I just xyz better he wouldn’t behave this way. In the end there were many arguments that had him saying “what if I told your dad about this” like he would take his side. My family most likely hated him but they never said anything to me. They just allowed me to keep digging myself an early grave. I have a couple work id’s that I have kept because I look like shit. I didn’t realize what I was looking like. I thought I was doing well. At one point I went to the doctors and my blood pressure was high and she suggested I start taking medication for it. I tried to tell her it was because of stress and she said we all have stress. Well after my divorce my blood pressure has gone back to it’s normal low. Now I am trying to figure out who I am. What I want to do with my life. I know I want to move to Scotland. Just not sure if that will ever happen. That is where my heart is. That would be amazing. I have looked into a visa and it’s scary. The cost and requirements I really think who am I kidding, I don’t have an amazing job that another country would want. I don’t know if he has the money to show proof of taking care of me. I keep doing the school thing, not sure what direction I am going. I know I am not sitting still. One way or another I will end up moving one of these days. I can’t stand the heat here.  Literally it gets to 65 and I am hating it and that is nothing compared to summers. This didn’t exactly go the way I intended it to go. Oh well. There are a couple people I wanted to write this for to show them they are not alone. I will personally message those I am writing this for. I don’t know if what I wanted to convey was done correctly. Besides if this helps anyone than there is nothing wrong with it. One thing I have found is that in this community never feel alone. Someone somewhere out there has nearly an identical story or kink.

1 week ago. Feb 10, 2020, 12:58 AM

I have been meaning to share these for some time. A blog I just saw was the motivation I needed to post this. So thank you to that person.  Hope this is helpful.  Personally there can never be to much good information out there for rope. It can be so dangerous.  Most don't think of it as edge play but it is. I personally don't do anything alone that I couldn't walk out of my house in and just suffer mild embarrassment. Have a ropey good time.

1 week ago. Feb 9, 2020, 7:03 PM

So I've been in San Luis Obispo the past 3 days working.  About to head back home.  All in about  4.5 hours driving.  I'll stop about half way back.  But I got to see pretty things.


The flowers above I love the color variations.  

The one below is 1 of 2 I look for whenever I go places.  They are my flowers for him.

The moon last night on my way back. Now I don't use filters. These are all taken with my cell phone. I tend to not fuck up photos. So I don't know what happened to the next. 

This is my other flower. He has it in his yard too.

I hope you enjoy.  This is part of what he wants of me.