1 week ago. Sun 10 Feb 2019 10:07:17 PM IST
Growing up I was a strange child, much like most people. Beginning at 5, I was sensitive, a people pleaser, a perfectionist, and terrified of men. Why terrified of men? I was terrified because I thought they all were going to inappropriately touch me. Where did I get these thoughts? No idea. I was never molested, never saw anyone molested, never learned about molestation or the like. But I was terrified of all men, except my dad and my favorite uncle. I wasn't the least bit scared of them. I was disappointed/angry with my dad because he clearly favored my brother and wasn't the loving dad I wanted. Meanwhile I idolized my uncle because I wanted him to be my dad, up until he and my favorite aunt divorced and they no longer were in my life which in my mind was "abandonment" because they were among the relatives that raised me (mom was always working and dad was working until my baby brother came then he was busy taking care of him). So I lost my "parents" and that was the start of my depression.
Meanwhile I'm a girl in Catholic school with no one to rely on but my friends. I actually enjoyed Catholic school other than being nervous/excited over my very cute music teacher Mr. Knott's who was quick to point out my nervousness. (Quite embarrassing since he did it in front of the class but I like that he noticed me). After 3rd grade my parents, brother, and I moved an hour away to the suburbs and I began a new life with new people. I was upset about the move but being introverted, I didn't show anger like people usually do. I showed anger through being quiet. Thus, I was labeled the quiet girl and I just went along with iit. As time went on, my terrified feelings towards men loosed up. Why? In the 6th grade both my primary teachers were male and quickly became my favorite, especially Mr. Farnam. He is like that favorite non related uncle who is fun but firm, teaches you everything, makes you laugh non stop and you have a little crush on him. My other teacher Mr. Delgatto is like your super nice and loving grandpa who is always there to encourage and support you and you can do no wrong in his eyes. So thanks to them my perspective about men changed. I hated to leave 6th grade and that school.
On an on I continued growing and I no longer had any major fear about men. Boys came and went, not that I cared. Boys have never meant much to me. They've just been crowding around me since Catholic school but were no more significant than the girls who were my friends.
Fast forward to 21 when I was bored and browsing craigslist personals (RIP) most of the time. I saw a post from a guy, (38). I don't remember what it said but it excited me and I wanted to answer. So I did. That opened the cap to a whole new bottle of feelings towards men. He was my first older man (first orgasm) and it was perfection. Eventually through more experiences with older men I was introduced to bdsm. I had many great Doms who helped me become more mature, assertive and understand the power I had as a individual. But at the same time I also had Doms who were more selfish, neglectful, and didn't have my best interest at heart. The first Dom who I had massive feelings for, hurt me bad and left me high and dry to deal with the depressive aftermath alone. I became reckless, went through various married men and fake doms, and years later had to rely on myself to pick me up and make a complete change. I had to become my own Dom in a way. I changed my attitude, got back in school, found stable work, stopped with the meaningless flings and took things as they came day by day.
Now here we are in 2019. I'm an intelligent, independent woman doing great at school, work, and my home life. I have a lot more inner peace and less stress and depression. But through all that I am still a submissive and I still want a partner thats a natural Dom, older, and helps keep my world spinning at just the right cycle. I'm still waiting and maybe I will keep waiting throughout this year. But while I wait I'm content with meeting new people, doms, subs, and the like. I am enjoying talking and learning from others, getting to know their past experiences and seeing that even when I think I'm alone and no one understands me, there is someone out in the world who does in fact relate.