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The Quiet Assertive

Thoughts of an introverted perfectionist
20 hours ago. Sun 17 Feb 2019 05:02:11 AM IST

I find it interesting when I read profiles of Doms who talk about how dark and twisty they are. Many are quite intriguing, while others write as if they are the only ones in the world with weird and fucked up thoughts and very few people are capable of understanding them. They are proud to be misunderstood. But why would someone actually want to be misunderstood?  Different reasons I'm sure but based on my experiences with Doms, male and female, they were upset over the fact that I understood their character because when they feel misunderstood they feel special, above everyone else. But as soon as they are able to be deciphered they don't feel as high and mighty. They feel naked and not in an enjoyable way. I think thats very interesting thinking though it also shows low self esteem. 

How people in the bdsm community think is very intriguing especially when it's opposite to my viewpoint. I am estatic when I talk to people who have the same mindset as I do or who are able to tell me things about my character that I don't need to explain because they just get it. But not every one is the same, which is a great thing too because if we were then there would be less to learn about human behavior. 

You dark and twisty Doms, both amateur and experienced, keep me interested in understanding why people think the way they do, whether they act on it or not. If there was a psych specialty for studying the behavior of Doms and subs I probably would have continued my masters in Psychology instead of leaving that for medicine and surgery. The minds of people in this community are awesome. 

 

I appreciate you all. 

1 day ago. Sun 17 Feb 2019 12:23:34 AM IST

It's funny. For some unknown reason this particular Dom blocked me but I am still able to read his blog. I had read a post he did and was going to comment. I couldn't comment so I was going to send it via messenger only to find out that he actually blocked me. I am genuinely curious as to why. We haven't really talked. The first time I sent a message to comment about his blog and profile I was polite and I didn't push when he wasn't interested in taking the conversation further. I wasn't showing any romantic interest whatsoever. I was talking from one human to another but apparently that seemed to offend him. At any rate, since I Invested so much time writing out my response to his blog I'll just go ahead an post it here on my blog just to share my perspective. 

 

"Hello, I wanted to comment on your blog post "I'm Only Attracted to Women Who Don't Want Me". I think I actually understand what you're trying to say. I noticed people focusing on two things, narcissist and sadist. I can see how they came to that assumption because when someone says something that sounds prideful people are quick to snap on the title "narcissist" just like when someone says something that sounds abusive they slap on the "sadist" title. But you are neither one of these things. Just look at your title alone, you are attracted to women who don't want you. That's a conflict of interest for a narcissist and a sadist. They need women who are willing to destroy themselves for them. You don't. I really enjoyed reading this piece, I thought it was well thought out and genuinely written. Honestly I saw a bit of myself in your post. Your comment section was an interesting read as well. 

You give the reader a back story on your history with women, from going to someone not being popular to someone chased at every corner in addition to your attitude change from being a romantic to not. You say you don't know why women are interested in you. I believe I do. You carry a confident air about you. Women are attracted to that. Low self esteem women especially love a man who bears the appearance of an alpha. So they chase you. Meanwhile you dismiss them because those types of women bore you. They see something that attracts them and that they need to be fulfilled but you don't see anything in them that spark those same feelings. Right or wrong?

I also have an idea of why you aren't attracted to women who like you and while I know you said you don't care to know why, could you do me a favor and indulge me because I'm interested in knowing if I indeed understand your viewpoint regarding this matter like I believe I do. Like most men, you are a hunter, you like to hunt. You don't want your prey just falling into your lap. That's no fun and it's such a turn off that you won't even find them worthy to eat unless you just happened to be so hungry at that time you just said "fuck it and I'll go ahead an indulge you" just like how you said "you haven't refused all advances that come your way". You said you're a very loving person and I believe that. You have the capability to be a loving partner to someone but that doesn't mean you are head over heels for them. There's a difference. You can define a loving partner as someone who will listen to you when you need them too, who is responsible, secure, doesn't cause drama, and doesn't intentionally hurt you. That's all well and good but that's not someone who is head over heels for you. Someone head over heels isn't worried about being a loving partner because that's just automatic. They're worried about how they are going to control themselves because the passion they feel for you is so strong when you aren't with them that when you are with them they just want to devour you. Totally different dynamic. Any one can be a loving partner to someone, it doesn't mean you have passion and a connection so strong you push yourself to be better for them. Gay men for example are married to women and are loving partners to them. But there's no passion and no drive to be more. They are just comfortable. Not everyone wants to just settle with being comfortable. I don't think you have a problem with women loving you I think you have a problem with the wrong type of women loving you and you have unfortunately been exposed to countless women who are just wrong for you in your mind. Right or wrong?

Your "abusive" side turns women on because many people want what is not easily handed over to them. And yes everyone has limits and once they reach there's and they are telling you "fuck you" the fact that they have become assertive enough to stop acting like a puppy and now be a lion is a turn on. And yes with the right words you will be able to get her back but at the same time once she reverts back to her old puppy ways you'll no longer be interested and leave again. Very logical.

I could be wrong but I think the type of woman that you are seeking is someone who is not easily seen by the crowd and has a tough exterior because she's used to being underestimated and under appreciated. But despite that she's a confident person who isn't afraid to still be self reliant and she isn't going to waste her time chasing a man even if she has some interest in him. But this woman loves just as much as any other woman and has the capability of being submissive as well to the right man. She's reliable but she's not a pushover. She has a tough skin and can stand up to you but she can also listen and let you lead. You both have a natural chemistry that goes beyond words and even when you disagree and maybe fight you still have that passion that has you both knocking down walls to get back to one another, tear other others clothes off and combine that frustration with your need for one another. Am I close? Or perhaps I'm just as wrong as everyone else. I thought I'd at least try."

 

That was the message. I had a more positive outlook than some others seemed to but after finding out that this person actually blocked me it does make me wonder. Does this person take the chance to get to know people himself before making his own assumptions about them and their intentions when they reach out to him? Are various women actually interested in him or is this really just an assumption based on the fact that they take the initiative to speak to him first? Or is it that the type of women contacting him and being interested in him don't fit his physical preferences and thats why he displays distasteful behavior towards them? Is his past of being unpopular with women still affecting him and now that he is popular with women he is being hard to get even? While he did say in the comments that this was a character piece, characters are just a piece of who we are so this isn't entirely fiction. 

 

 

Thoughts? 

 

P.S. Mr. Aden Figg, I didn't get any Borderline Personality Disorder Vibes about this character at all. I've studied BPD but I just don't see it here so I did find it interested that you commented that this was written from a perspective of someone with BPD. It moreso felt like someone who wants to think they have it and self diagnosed. 

5 days ago. Tue 12 Feb 2019 02:05:29 AM IST

Every sub is different. To me, being a sub means being able to show my true self. I don't show emotions in the normal way that people expect. But in the BDSM community my emotions are able to be seen as clear as clouds. People in the community understand me and the things I say and feel, more than those on the outside.

Being a sub to a Dom means openness, because I'm willing to peel back my layers for my Dom and let him handle the naked seed underneath how he wishes because I know he will be responsible and do what's in my best interest. It isn't about sex. Sex is a bonus. It isn't about having daddy issues and needing a surrogate father in the form of a lover. It's about needing someone who can allow me to be dependent and free to unleash myself completely so I can remain sane as I continue living in a world that forces people to hide themselves, be competitive with others, be stressed out, and feel unworthy.

1 week ago. Sun 10 Feb 2019 10:07:17 PM IST

Growing up I was a strange child, much like most people. Beginning at 5, I was sensitive, a people pleaser, a perfectionist, and terrified of men. Why terrified of men? I was terrified because I thought they all were going to inappropriately touch me. Where did I get these thoughts? No idea. I was never molested, never saw anyone molested, never learned about molestation or the like. But I was terrified of all men, except my dad and my favorite uncle. I wasn't the least bit scared of them. I was disappointed/angry with my dad because he clearly favored my brother and wasn't the loving dad I wanted. Meanwhile I idolized my uncle because I wanted him to be my dad, up until he and my favorite aunt divorced and they no longer were in my life which in my mind was "abandonment" because they were among the relatives that raised me (mom was always working and dad was working until my baby brother came then he was busy taking care of him). So I lost my "parents" and that was the start of my depression.

Meanwhile I'm a girl in Catholic school with no one to rely on but my friends. I actually enjoyed Catholic school other than being nervous/excited over my very cute music teacher Mr. Knott's who was quick to point out my nervousness. (Quite embarrassing since he did it in front of the class but I like that he noticed me). After 3rd grade my parents, brother, and I moved an hour away to the suburbs and I began a new life with new people. I was upset about the move but being introverted, I didn't show anger like people usually do. I showed anger through being quiet. Thus, I was labeled the quiet girl and I just went along with iit. As time went on, my terrified feelings towards men loosed up. Why? In the 6th grade both my primary teachers were male and quickly became my favorite, especially Mr. Farnam. He is like that favorite non related uncle who is fun but firm, teaches you everything, makes you laugh non stop and you have a little crush on him. My other teacher Mr. Delgatto is like your super nice and loving grandpa who is always there to encourage and support you and you can do no wrong in his eyes. So thanks to them my perspective about men changed. I hated to leave 6th grade and that school. 

On an on I continued growing and I no longer had any major fear about men. Boys came and went, not that I cared. Boys have never meant much to me. They've just been crowding around me since  Catholic school but were no more significant than the girls who were my friends. 

Fast forward to 21 when I was bored and browsing craigslist personals (RIP) most of the time. I saw a post from a guy, (38). I don't remember what it said but it excited me and I wanted to answer. So I did. That opened the cap to a whole new bottle of feelings towards men. He was my first older man (first orgasm) and it was perfection. Eventually through more experiences with older men I was introduced to bdsm. I had many great Doms who helped me become more mature, assertive and understand the power I had as a individual. But at the same time I also had Doms who were more selfish, neglectful, and didn't have my best interest at heart. The first Dom who I had massive feelings for, hurt me bad and left me high and dry to deal with the depressive aftermath alone. I became reckless, went through various married men and fake doms, and years later had to rely on myself to pick me up and make a complete change. I had to become my own Dom in a way. I changed my attitude, got back in school, found stable work, stopped with the meaningless flings and took things as they came day by day. 

Now here we are in 2019. I'm an intelligent, independent woman doing great at school, work, and my home life. I have a lot more inner peace and less stress and depression. But through all that I am still a submissive and I still want a partner thats a natural Dom, older, and helps keep my world spinning at just the right cycle. I'm still waiting and maybe I will keep waiting throughout this year. But while I wait I'm content with meeting new people, doms, subs, and the like. I am enjoying talking and learning from others, getting to know their past experiences and seeing that even when I think I'm alone and no one understands me, there is someone out in the world who does in fact relate.