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Finding Her

Thoughts. Questions. Tangents. Desires.
2 months ago. Wed 03 Apr 2019 01:01:13 AM IDT

Hello everyone,

I haven’t been writing as often as I’d like to. There’s just been a lot of things happening *insert long dramatic sigh* But today, I’d like to talk about my inability to climb.

When I first discovered BDSM, I was introduced the BDSM test. (If you don’t know, you take a long quiz and it spits out various scores that ‘explain’ where you fall on the spectrum.) Now, I have my results but I’m not sure if I can trust them.

I found myself hitting the proverbial brick wall. Because of my age and experience (or severe lack thereof), I’m not sure if my results are a true testament of who I am (I’m not questioning my submissiveness.) However, I’m fully aware that the results aren’t always going to be spot on. It’s just makes finding my hard limits or things that I enjoy difficult to find. 

I say all this to say, I can’t climb or scale this brick wall.  



2 months ago. Thu 21 Mar 2019 06:04:48 AM IST

Today, I didn't get anything accomplished. I got so many things not accomplished that I'm not even sure what it is that I didn't accomplish. I was suppose to make a list of all the things I was supposed to do, but I didn't even do that. I didn't even realize what I didn't accomplish, until I looked at the time. It's currently 9PM my time. Where did my day go???

The lack of energy and motivation is killing me. 

This is a reason why I crave to have discipline. But, if I can't find the motivation to do it for myself...That's the thing though, even when I get this way, I can always override it for someone else. For example, if someone asks me for a favor, or tells me to do something, I'll jump to get it done literally as soon as possible. Honestly, how does that even work? What is wrong with me? Does that even make sense? 

Anywho, I'll be wishing for a more productive day tomorrow.



2 months ago. Wed 20 Mar 2019 12:56:15 AM IST

Am I an emotional masochist?

Yesterday was a very emotionally draining day. Because I am an emotional person, I find myself feeling things significantly deeper than the average person might. Even situations that I'm not involved in directly, I empathize with others greatly.  I'm caring and understanding. When I love, I love hard. Too hard. In fact, I love so hard that I keep giving and giving and giving, knowing that it may not ever be reciprocated. I give knowing that there will be nothing left. I go into relationships and friendships with people, knowing that I will get hurt. At that point, it isn't even a risk that I'm taking. No, it's a promise that I'm going to come out black and blue. 

With that being said... am I an emotional masochist?



3 months ago. Tue 19 Mar 2019 07:10:08 AM IST

*trigger warning: cheating*


(I'm not sure if I'm going to actually post this, or keep it a draft. I just needed a safe place to express myself. So if I do post this, I apologize for the grammar errors, the off-topic moments, or if I'm making absolutely no sense.)


Today, I learned that a close friend of mine recently cheated on his partner over the weekend (I say 'partner' because the terms of their relationship weren't necessarily defined. All I knew was she was his and he was hers.). His excuse was he was drunk and he didn't realize what he was doing. He also said that he didn't think it would be such a big deal because they aren't "technically" in a relationship. *sigh*. In my opinion, this is why the terms of relationship need to be spoken and agreed upon to avoid any confusion.To add insult to injury, he lied to her. They then decided to "take a break" to think on what each of them wanted from one another.


I personally have been cheated on in the past, multiple times. So to hear a close friend of mine cheated on their partner, and then lie, hit really close to home for me...


I was Facebook and a friend of mine shared a post. This post contained a story. In the story, this guy talked about how he cheated on his baby's mother repeatedly AND she knew. He didn't even hide it anymore. After the birth of their child, literally right after, he was about to leave to go cheat, and she asked him to stay and take what he needed from her... IN THE HOSPITAL. She wasn't even physically ready to have sex. He...fucked her. Roughly. And he was completely aware of it. When it was over, the nurse came in and she said, "I love him too much." He then left, and went to go cheat. WHO DOES THAT???

Reading the story gave me so much anxiety. It broke my heart. It ruined me. Now, this story may not even be true, but there are people actually out there that have no regard for the heart of someone else. They don't care that their actions cause other people hurt. How can someone wake up in the morning, and deliberately hurt another soul? They just do not c a r e .

Again, I know what it feels like to get cheated on. I know what it feels like wondering if you're good enough to be with that person. I know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep, and wake up and cry some more. I know what it feels like to be hurt... 

Hearing about my friend doing these things, and then reading that story... I guess it just reopened some old wounds. I hate how much of an emotionally person I am. I hate how I feel things so deeply. I hate how I react to things and situations that have literally nothing to do with me. I hate it. *long, dramatic, over-the-top sigh*

Alright, I'm done...




3 months ago. Sun 17 Mar 2019 03:26:21 AM IST

Recently, I’ve decided to open up (kind of) about my sexual preferences (to my friends). Basically, it just consisted of me offering tons of clarifications about the BDSM community.

With that being said, I, eventually, would like to take it a step further. I want to go out. I want to meet likeminded individuals who share the same interests I do. The problem is... I’m scared haha. I’m not sure how to go out, where to go out, or who to go out with in order to be safe. The only social setting that I’ve heard of is munches, but I’m not too sure on how they work. This is where the research comes in. I guess now I know how I’ll be spending my weekend, haha!

I’m just curious about the different types of people that I could come across. I’m curious about all the difference things, and dynamics I could learn about. I’m just hoping all my curiosity doesn’t land me in potentially dangerous situations like before. You guys know what happened to the cat who got curious...



Does anyone have any experiences with munches?



3 months ago. Fri 15 Mar 2019 01:14:07 AM IST

(Get it? Because today's Pi Day.)


Today I attempted to have a not-so vanilla conversation with some vanilla friends of mine. (Just a quick note, my friends aren't judgmental, just curious. I know I can always talk to them about things, but some things I keep to myself.) During this conversation, I began to notice how much information about BDSM is either lost or misconstrued. I never try to have these conversations with other people who I know are not in and/or interested in the lifestyle because many eyebrows get raised. However, I was very curious about what their reactions would be. Of course, my friends did not disappoint haha. 

Basically what I learned was they knew nothing about BDSM, with the exception of Fifty Shades of Grey, whips, chains, and dungeons. OH and spankings, they love spankings. *sigh* It wasn't shocking but I was hoping for at least a sprinkle of...something.

A lot of the conversation involved me clearing up some misinformation. Like, not all Dominants are men. Or, Submissives can say no. Or, not everyone wears a choker. Or, the biggest one, not everyone has a "Red Room of Pain."

All and all, it felt good to actually be somewhat open about that part of my life. Although, now that I have, I except them to start asking me questions. Who knows though, I might give a vanilla friend another flavor to try haha.



3 months ago. Mon 11 Mar 2019 01:45:50 AM IST

Happy Sunday Everyone!

I spent this weekend sick as a dog. But because I was sick, I had nothing but time to think. Here’s what I was thinking:

I want to start making plans instead of goals. Plans, to me, seem to be more efficient. When you make a plan, you plan to do the action with specificity, meaning you’re planning by detail. You know, deep down, that you’re going to get this task done. When you make a goal, there’s almost no concept of time (unless stated). A goal is the idea that you’ll get the task done EVENTUALLY. 

I guess it just depends on how you look at it...

I hope I get better soon. I’m not good at this philosophy stuff, haha.




3 months ago. Thu 07 Mar 2019 06:49:24 PM IST

Yesterday, I questioned myself. Today, I want to ponder the thought a bit more. 

I was in class, not listening to ANYTHING my professor was droning on about. I think it was mitochondria’s being the powerhouse of the cell. Actually, that wouldn’t make sense because the class was Sports Medicine... Oh well. Anyway, instead of listening, I was reading a book on phone. In the book, a very naughty scene was taking place. However, it was ‘rubbing’ me the wrong way (no pun intended). It wasn’t the scene itself that wasn’t satisfying. No, it was the aftercare portion. There was none. When it was finished, he tossed her a box of Kleenex and dismissed her. To me, it was cruel. To me, it hurt. 

So I guess what I questioned was: when I submit, am I submitting to the possibility of getting disregarded as cruelly as she was? Could I potentially handle that?

Actually, as I type this, I’m having a realization: I’m taking the risk no matter what. Whether I’m submitting or simply involving myself in a relationship with another person, vanilla or not, I’m exposing myself to the possibility that that person might hurt me. 

Hmm... It all comes down to trust, doesn’t it?

3 months ago. Wed 06 Mar 2019 08:21:07 AM IST



(I didn't go anywhere.)


I haven't been as active in... sheesh... I want to say, "A lot has happened," but to be completely honest, things are always happening. Time doesn't stop. People continue to walk past and live their lives.

I had a plan: do my research, learn about myself, find a Dom to dom the sh*t out of me, and live happily ever after. It was a "solid" plan. It was only, what, four steps? Easy-peasy. I was so enthusiastic about the future.

Well, now I'm taking a Realist approach.

Realist: A person who accepts a situation for what is it and is prepared to deal with it accordingly.

I'm still enthusiastic, but... you know. I'm working on it.


Anyway, I say all this to say: I'm back and I'm sorry I didn't send a f*****g postcard