Okay, so I am going to put my Big Girl pants on for this so that I get it all out there. It's tough, but I can do it!
I want to be cuddled, to sit on someone's lap and feel small. I want to be pampered and spoiled, made to feel precious. But I want boundaries too. I want to indulge my imaginative and playful side, and to have someone find it charming, endearing, rather than immature or annoying. I want to follow my senses, my tactile nature, to have soft things and chew on the end of my marker as I draw and get messy while I explore. Curiosity is amazing and I'm not quite ready to let my sense of wonder go yet. I want to be able to do all of this with joy and encouragement and knowing that someone is there to help me clean up afterwards. I want intimacy, deep affection and trust.
I want to make blanket forts with string lights and fluffy pillows. I want to wear cute onesies and pink dresses and bows in my hair. I want to take bubble baths and feel someone running a soft cloth or sponge over my body, caring enough to make sure I am clean. I want to snuggle on the couch while watching a cartoon, bake cupcakes in the kitchen while dancing to Disney music. I want to go on vacation to Disney World or Hershey Park and be able to get excited when I see Peter Pan because I too never want to grow up, not really.
I want someone to take care of me, to take the worry away. I want someone to look at me with a sense of adoration, to find me cute and absolutely love it. I want someone to be observant enough to know without having to ask. I want someone who truly cares about my wellbeing and decides to take matters into their own hands. I want gentle guidance, not commands and stern words. I want someone who treats me gently, at least in the moments when I need it.
I don't have an age that I regress to. It doesn't even really feel like age regression, because I don't feel like a child in that sense. I feel youthful, playful, less inhibited, but I don't feel helpless. It's about letting go, not losing that adult part of myself. It's about letting the adult and the child intertwine, about stepping away from expectations and responsibilities. It's about being allowed to just be. And it's not all of me, and there are other things, more adult and dirty things that I want, that I crave, that I need with a different kind of desperation. But right now, I needed to get this off my chest.
I want to still be me, have an adult life and be in an adult relationship, but I want this too. And I've decided that it is okay for me to want it all, because it's also okay for someone else to want what they want, to say no, to say yes. It's okay for me to feel like I deserve to be happy.
Now, I just need someone to be happy with.