5 days ago. Sat 16 Mar 2019 01:08:20 PM IST
I made it through work and my friends sat me down and asked, what is wrong with you? You're the one that keeps us going, you always bring us joy and laughter. Our day can be dark and grey and as soon as you walk into the room, you shine so bright no matter what. That's why you are called Sunshine or Sunny. I can see your light that always shines so bright is dim, I see hurt and a storm in your eyes, please let us in, let us take care of you for once. Seems like a lot of pressure, right? No it's not. It's in my nature to always help and put others first, no matter what I am going through.
All my life I thought I had to fit in this perfect box that everyone wanted me to be. The perfect friend, the perfect mom, be perfect at my job. Maybe it was I who put me in that box and never let myself out. This was it, this was the moment I would let an outsider in on this lifestyle. Would I be considered weird, would I be looked at differently, would I lose the respect of my friends because they didn't understand this side. The tears began to fall like no other. I let everything out and was ready for backlash. Instead I felt arms wrap around me and held on tight while I let everything out. It was a shock. I don't like to be held or touched unless I have absolute trust in that person. I can't tell you the weight I have been carrying lift and I just held on tight and sobbed until I couldn't. They stayed by my side until I could function. Even offered to kick the bf out of the bed for the night so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts lol. Of course I declined.
As I drove home, those thoughts of loss and hurt crowded my mind. I kept thinking just a little longer Sunny, make the drive home. You can do this. Put your car in park and march your butt into that house. Put the key in the lock, unlock the door. Only a little longer and you can let go. Get to your room, undress and then you can cry and fall apart. I have never been good at writing words so my feelings go to drawing. Just for tonight I will cry, just for tonight I will let my hurt show. Just for tonight I will fall apart. Tomorrow you will pick yourself up, dust your knees off and breathe. You are a fighter.