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Walls and trust

I have natural walls that I constantly have up. It takes a lot to even begin to take them down. If I have let you see a glimpse of my vulnerability, it is because I saw something in you that I could trust. You break that trust, my walls that you thought were once hard to get through are now even harder to break down. They fly up and won't come back down. Trust is earned, respect is given and loyalty is demonstrated. Break any of those, is to lose all three. All three things are important to me and can not be demanded. It has to be earned, just like I have to earn it from you. I may be submissive but I am a person with feelings first. Do not confuse my submission for weakness. It is a precious gift and strength that all submissives have.
1 day ago. Wed 20 Mar 2019 06:01:26 PM IST

Ok I am going to share a mom fail story with ya'll. I hope it at least makes someone smile today.

 

I rescued a cat not too long ago and named it Midnight. I thought this cat was a female so I have been referring to "her".

Finally was able to get Midnight into the vet to get checked out and get the bill of health. The vet, so how is Midnight, having any problems with him? Wait...him? The vet looks at me and said yes Midnight is a male. 

Total faceplam moment lol. To be fair, I've never had a cat before.

Later I tell my kids, guys Midnight is a boy not a girl.

I could see the wheels turning in my son's head. I have never seen my son so serious. He asks so, Midnight is transgender?

Omg I about died. I said no, sweetheart your mom was just wrong.

I have never been so proud that my kids don't pass judgment and accept all walks of life. You know you're doing something right. He was so accepting and was ready to understand. 

4 days ago. Sun 17 Mar 2019 08:05:34 AM IST

The weather was so beautiful today. I got in my car and drove. Where I was headed didn't matter. It was about getting out and enjoying something that I like.

Where did this drive take me, you're probably wondering? Gather around and I will share with you, but first, may I get a drum roll please...the beach. Yea, I know I am a dork but I gotta build the suspense hehe.

The feel of sand beneath my feet and ass is exactly what I needed. I sat on that beach and just listened to the waves crash on the shore and let the wind carry my worries away. I thought about a lot sitting there. But not bad or negative thoughts. Last night was for tears. Today was about acceptance, learning and letting go. I believe everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand what that is right away. There is always a lesson to be learned. I don't hold any anger or any ill feelings towards Sir. Sometimes things don't work out or you're not what each other needs and that is ok. Of course a part of me still hurts. If it didn't, I would be worried because that means I am not processing. But I am okay. 

I probably sat there for a couple hours just putting everything into prospective and what I want. I decided on a position at work that will move towards growth and my upcoming move to another State. Let's just say I left the beach with a smile and a pep in my step. Enjoyed the long drive home and rocking out to music.

5 days ago. Sat 16 Mar 2019 01:08:20 PM IST

I made it through work and my friends sat me down and asked, what is wrong with you? You're the one that keeps us going, you always bring us joy and laughter. Our day can be dark and grey and as soon as you walk into the room, you shine so bright no matter what. That's why you are called Sunshine or Sunny. I can see your light that always shines so bright is dim, I see hurt and a storm in your eyes, please let us in, let us take care of you for once. Seems like a lot of pressure, right? No it's not. It's in my nature to always help and put others first, no matter what I am going through. 

All my life I thought I had to fit in this perfect box that everyone wanted me to be. The perfect friend, the perfect mom, be perfect at my job. Maybe it was I who put me in that box and never let myself out. This was it, this was the moment I would let an outsider in on this lifestyle. Would I be considered weird, would I be looked at differently, would I lose the respect of my friends because they didn't understand this side. The tears began to fall like no other. I let everything out and was ready for backlash. Instead I felt arms wrap around me and held on tight while I let everything out. It was a shock. I don't like to be held or touched unless I have absolute trust in that person. I can't tell you the weight I have been carrying lift and I just held on tight and sobbed until I couldn't. They stayed by my side until I could function. Even offered to kick the bf out of the bed for the night so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts lol. Of course I declined. 

As I drove home, those thoughts of loss and hurt crowded my mind. I kept thinking just a little longer Sunny, make the drive home. You can do this. Put your car in park and march your butt into that house. Put the key in the lock, unlock the door. Only a little longer and you can let go. Get to your room, undress and then you can cry and fall apart. I have never been good at writing words so my feelings go to drawing. Just for tonight I will cry, just for tonight I will let my hurt show. Just for tonight I will fall apart. Tomorrow you will pick yourself up, dust your knees off and breathe. You are a fighter. 

 

5 days ago. Fri 15 Mar 2019 11:29:35 PM IST

Feeling lost and confused right now. I hate this feeling. Tons of questions run through my mind as I am sure many of you have experienced. You ever think you're doing the right thing and in the end just end up hurting yourself more. Or maybe it is the right thing but you just can't see it yet.

Why something did or didn’t happen. We’re lost. We have no direction. We don’t know what to do. We don’t know if we should try again or give up. We don’t know if we should stay or leave. We don’t know if it’s us or them.

Being lost and confused can be frustrating, stressful and discouraging. It’s easy to think that something is wrong with you. It makes you want to just draw into yourself, cry and swat your claws at anyone who comes near like a wounded animal. 

All the while knowing the word "Sir" wont be tumbling out of your mouth. How can one word that never meant anything to you in the past, make you hurt so much now?

Keep looking at the clock, waiting for this work day to finish so I can just let it all out.