1 week ago. Mon 11 Mar 2019 07:25:29 AM IST
Written for a beautiful sweet lady who is wrestling with her "Conquer Me" feelings/ Moment of Surrender
My own submissive journey is very much a path of peaks and valleys. There are very few active standing still walking steadily moments. I do not consider this a negative. I've made great strides and I've fallen far. I tend to relive the same life pattern until I get it right and face an "own it moment." This is a term I coined ( if anyone else also uses it I've never seen it.) in one such moment. An "own it moment" is the very last time you have to THINK through a lesson. That moment where your heart, mind, and soul accept it, and it becomes a part of who you are. In that moment you cease to be able to fail this lesson. It is inside you.
The first time I owned a lesson and used this phrase was way back in 2008 when I learned that my Person's comfort with my friends is MORE IMPORTANT than my own reality of their propriety. That while I judge by intent, His comfort in knowing I'm surrounding myself with people who support Him and us, people who support the woman He wants me to be, is a huge comfort to His mind.
I've had many such own it moments over the years:
Honesty v transparency, He is my storm and my calm, I need to let Him be my storm, the purpose of a slave's limits, the importance of a promise, trust, that a single moment CAN have forever consequences, that wait is also service, that shame and humiliation are in my mind where degradation is in the mind of the Dominant and none of these are things conducive to trust **for me**... So many many own it moments.
The following own it moment happened almost a year ago:
I have always been a runner. I would never intentionally do it, but some part of me, when things got too real when I became aware that I was held so high off my own footing that a fall would hurt: I'd shove away. I'd test it. I think many of us on both sides of the slash push to test eachother sometimes. It's the kid making sure boundaries exist. Many times my shove entailed me walking or running away from the relationship. My internal need: him to come after me. It didn't have to be grandiose, but some form of "STAY!" was what I sought.
It got to the point that i was so aware of it, but unaware of how to solve it, that I would tell my Person: " if I ever try to run... come get me, throw me over your shoulder sit ke down tell me NO. talk it out with me. If I still want to walk ok... but dont let me do it until you tell me NO."
Well, then I ran into a Mentor who told me in a blog, similar to this, why he would NEVER do that. He explained that it was a disrespect of consent. That the minute I lace up my shoes I have broken a hard limit of his ( and earned myself one strike of 3 for abandonment. Physical violence is 2. Lying is auto 3 buh bye.) He then proceeded to tell me what a hot steaming pile of irony it is that a girl whose #1 trigger is anything smelling of abandonment is a perpetrator thereof. :s yes, I didnt like myself very much then.
That post made me sit myself down and work out the WHY I did it. It was then I understood it WASNT that I was trying to abandon them. I needed demonstrable proof they were holding on to me as tight or tighter than I was holding them. Who was I to test them? Once I understood WHY I did it, I could deal with it.
I faced my own it moment maybe a month after that, with the same Mentor. A situation happened and I was SO ANGRY not at him, at life, at all of it! I wanted to crawl back into my hole and not talk to anyone. I didnt want to hear what He had to say. He was texting me and asked me if I wasn't going to call. I did NOT want to. I was defiant in that i actually had to THINK about it. When I called I stayed silent. He waited. He asked me who he was.... silence ( oh lord I was tempting the storm.) Again... WHO AM I.... ***silence**** .... Are you repudiating Me? I have an expansive vocabulary, but I had to look that one up. As soon as i did I was WELL aware the question being asked. Was I still consenting to His authority? " I'm not repudiating You. ... I don't know what to say. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I can't." " That's fine *name*." That day I hung up my running shoes. I had faced my reason for running. I knew what I do and why. I had acknowledged my running was wrong, mean spirited, and a withdrawal of consent. (for those keeping score at home... He let me stay silent after that for three days. I colored. I wrote. I cleaned. I painted. I exercised, cooked, showered... most of the time with Him either on the phone with me, or on camera with me. It took three days for me to ask Him to read to me. It took a day more than that for me to be ready to talk about what had happened. If He had pushed me, I don't know how I'd have reacted... but He was a very wise man.)
That does not mean my feelings of RUN disappeared. I've actually discovered a new cause recently. The moment of surrender.
I do not know if this is universal; or even common. I've never seen it discussed, but I would hazard a guess that if you are a submissive in a deep real surrendered relationship you know this moment.
There is a moment of submission... literal, physical, and deeper emotionally/ mentally. The moment when you bend and ask or accept to submit yourself in part or whole to Another. This is a powerful moment. However, there is one even MORE powerful... the moment of surrender. For me, there comes a moment when if the relationship will be one of the GREAT LOVES of my life... He will ask me to surrender something I am, at that moment, not ready or not desirous to offer. He has his reasons for wanting it. I sit and think...HARD... I wrestle with it. I roll it over. I roll HIM over in my mind. Then I make a choice... I either do not surrender this... and I likely will find this relationship has run its course... or I will SURRENDER.
For me, this moment is absolutely defining. Because of its importance it is hallmarked by HUGE runner feelings. Everything in me wants to retain my control. Everything in me wants to lash out and say "I didn't give you that!" Keep in mind He didn't demand or take.. He requested. Still my fight is strong. These are my "conquer me" feelings... when I chose to surrender myself... well... then He can bronze my running shoes and keep them as a trophy. Whatever He decides to do with my running shoes... one thing is sure... that moment forever changes the dynamic between U/us. From that moment on, the only choice that I have to make when faced with the next "moment of surrender" is to look directly at Him, at what he has been entrusted with up until that point and know ... I am held. I am safe. I am His.
So, beautiful lady... sit back on your heels. Look at WHY you are having these feelings... are they red flags? or are they running shoes? If so... is this your Moment of Surrender?
<3 with all of my support <3