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Adventures out of the Pillowfort

A collection of musings and thoughts regarding D/s and M/s from the perspective of a 34 year old Submissive* and Mittle. Yes, the asterisk has meaning.
1 day ago. Wed 20 Mar 2019 01:47:10 AM IST

Voice is often a symbolism used for independence, self worth, and confidence. In my case, my literal voice is something most of my partners have sought to control. Their reasons have varied, but it has been a common theme. 

 

Tonight I have space to myself so... I took back my voice. 

 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yyB09Lo-ytVhQ0zfdZK6WR62CtXv4QQF/view?usp=drivesdk

 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Zz7BvzphYluve8BhxNw6JIa_cwXnCUeZ/view?usp=drivesdk

 

I think many of us need to do. 

~ faith sings

4 days ago. Sun 17 Mar 2019 12:50:12 PM IST

REAL LIFE INTRUDES

 

trigger warning: violence. Please, be kind in replies. If Y/you can not say anything kind, please do not. 

 

 

Many of you know I'm a teacher. I've been open about being a female with Apergers. Everyone clearly knows I'm a middle/ little slave hearted submissive. What I havent been CLEAR about is that I'm a woman of faith. No, this isn't a religion post nor a political post. 

 

There was a beautiful speech given at the NEA conference which sums up MY job description pretty well.

 

 

But today... today my job was wonderful, and horrible, important, and terrifying. The magnitude of the responsibility of today...

 

I do not in fact live in the US most of the year, nor in the UK. I am Anerican though. I live in a dangerous part of the world * on purpose*. I'm here for many reasons, but today is the primary one. 

 

Today a child in middle school walked up to me at lunch and apologized for not completing a speech writing assignment. "Miss... did You see what happened in New Zealand?" "Yes. It's terrible." " Miss he walked in said Assalam Alaikom and shot my cousin. He shot him and then when he finished shooting everyone he shot them again." " I'm so sorry, son.... would you like to talk to me about it?" I listened to this 13 year old tell me how he feels unsafe. How he is frightened for his family. How he now worries that it could happen anytime. I listened to him explain copycats and imitators. Then I heard him question why. 

 

At which point I did the HARDEST thing I do... I stopped him and asked him to think why. He said so many people are upset about Muslims moving there. I asked why... he shrugged. I said no.... think.... WHY. Look around. Imagine people here moving there. What things about here bug you... now imagine bringing that there... 

He said, " but what started it was something in America that they portrayed in a way that made us all look bad." I said no, name. No. Do you know what happened? He said no. So I told him the story. I explained how 19 people with a skewed view made life into a war. How 3,000 people, just like his cousin, were going to work and going home, visiting family and friends, just living life... and in a day the world changed. I told him it wasn't PORTRAYED that way... it WAS that way. 

 

He couldnt grasp what would make them do that. I told him bravo. You just discovered why I'm here. This is what I do, son. Now... you have a choice... you can quit the speech and you are excused... or you can use it. Use this chance to change it. To say it to the people who need to hear it. 

 

Tell us about your cousin... and tell us how you feel. Talk about the attitudes and actions that led to this tragedy. Use it to take 5 minutes to make one more person THINK. 

 

 

 

 

~faith 

Please dont make assumptions about what brand of faith I have. I'm an enigma ;) 

 

 

5 days ago. Sat 16 Mar 2019 01:15:17 PM IST

 

In chat if anyone cares to join! 

 

~ faith

6 days ago. Fri 15 Mar 2019 06:20:32 PM IST

Aloha! 

If you have never looked up the meaning of Aloha you should! It is way too deep to discuss in the middle of another post... it deserves a post all its own. In this context it means to live in the present in perfect peace, harmony, mercy, and sympathy. 

 

I'm coming today to discuss the right of every human Male and female to seek their own deepest heart's desire. If I say that just as it is written, no one would dare disagree ( within limits of not stepping on anyone else's right and ability to exercise the same.) 

However in practice, we fall short of acting upon this. When a lady is approached by a man she has every freedom, as I see, to say politely " I'm sorry you're not my type" and he is supposed to take it like a man. Most men are so used to it they barely blink. However, more than once I've been approached by gentleman ( or I've approached them) because I found their attitude and content interesting and attention grabbing. When it came time for the meeting of the minds to go to a meeting of the eyes, as with any human being sonetimes it was hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers, and blue moons,  pots of gold, and rainbows, and the red balloon... sometimes swing and a miss. This is OKAY.

 

Is it? 

I've seen the anxiety on more than one gentleman as he had to struggle to politely express that he TRULY liked me as a person, but as a physical entity... I just wasnt what he desired. It seems to be agony and they faced SO MUCH GUILT. Our society has hammered it into us that we have to be so concerned with each other's feelings and be so politically correct that people are afraid to genuinely state their needs. We would NEVER accept that with regard to personality, dynamic, kink, etc... so why is it that people have been made to feel guilty to state they have a level of attraction threshold? 

 

I'm here to say: Gentlemen... You are ALLOWED to have Your heart's desire. If I'm not it... You are doing me a MERCY saying so! Hell on earth for me would be to not be able to satisfy my One! I NEED one thing... to make my One completely and deliriously happy. To satisfy His every need and want. To make him so overjoyed to come home to me that He can't contain Himself. 

 

I'll let You in on a secret..... ready.... * motions You close* ... it isnt a shocker. I've been me...all of us ladies have been us for a LONG TIME. I know my chances. I know I am intelligent, sweet, funny, witty, thoughtful, kind, generous, empathetic, hardworking... a pretty face with GORGEOUS eyes ... and curvy boardering on large. I know that I'm a swing and a miss for MANY. So trust me, im already braced for it. Women of my stature ARE. You arent the first to deliver the blow. 

 

That said, yes, be kind. Be kind, be honest, but do NOT feel guilty. You have the right to Your heart's desire, so do we. If we wouldn't be Yours... how could You ever be ours? 

 

 

 

~ faith

 

Ps.... greatest thread that ever existed: Thick Thighs Save Lives. ^__^ yes... I remember saying: " ttsl post or it didn't happen." Thank You for starting work teaching me to accept and love my own skin. Thank You for never making me feel less than incredibly desired. I miss You. 

6 days ago. Fri 15 Mar 2019 04:27:50 PM IST

 

 

 

 

 

Wont you tell Him please to put on some speed...

 

But as always... 

Planting Patience

 

~ faithfully yours

1 week ago. Thu 14 Mar 2019 06:10:17 PM IST

I kinda feel like I joined the COOL KIDS club! I just got my first grade A entitled jerk! Whoohoo! Lol. So, person wanted help learning the ropes, and we have something really really rare in common. I was not at all interested in a **thing** with him ( lower case intentional) because #reasons. However, I did want to help a guy out. Well not 5 messages in I get accused of coming across masculine. :s boy that's a first! Ok. I offered to let him pick ANY song and I'd alter my profile recording. Nope. He demanded me call him on hangouts. I politely told him I was not comfortable with that as I dont know him. I got ignored! Wow. Do you know that is actually a FIRST. I've been round since IRC. The last time I got one of those I was not legal yet :p . 

 

Dude... *Your loss* and you made my day. I'm cracking up so much right now. ^__^ 

1 week ago. Tue 12 Mar 2019 07:58:02 AM IST

image

 

I think an important indicator, for me, of my own internal state is my willingness to build a blanket fort. That and how open I am to hugs. When I'm hurt and feeling unsafe, and insecure, and not ok my blanket fort goes away. My coloring stops. my wanting to really give and accept hugs from those people close to me stops. It's me curling up into my shell and telling the world to leave me alone. It's me not allowing myself to feel vulnerable, because vulnerable is dangerous. 

 

I put my blanket fort away in October and never brought it back out. Yesterday, for the sake of my kid I brought it back again. Never underestimate the power of a blanket fort to tear open wounds, and then force you into healing. 

 

image

 

So, today... I'm curling up in my pillow fort when I get home from work. I'm going to yell, and rail, and cry at things that should have been, and never will be. I may or may not feel better after, but I think it's what I need to do. I will probably cry myself to sleep because you know... that's what I USED to do, and I remember it was the best sleep I ever got and I used to wake up feeling MUCH better.

 

And now for something completely different: Sport. 

https://www.explainxkcd.com/wiki/images/a/a5/blanket_fort.png

~faith

1 week ago. Mon 11 Mar 2019 07:25:29 AM IST

Written for a beautiful sweet lady who is wrestling with her "Conquer Me" feelings/ Moment of Surrender 

 

My own submissive journey is very much a path of peaks and valleys. There are very few active standing still walking steadily moments. I do not consider this a negative. I've made great strides and I've fallen far. I tend to relive the same life pattern until I get it right and face an "own it moment." This is a term I coined ( if anyone else also uses it I've never seen it.) in one such moment. An "own it moment" is the very last time you have to THINK through a lesson. That moment where your heart, mind, and soul accept it, and it becomes a part of who you are. In that moment you cease to be able to fail this lesson. It is inside you. 

 

The first time I owned a lesson and used this phrase was way back in 2008 when I learned that my Person's comfort with my friends is MORE IMPORTANT than my own reality of their propriety. That while I judge by intent, His comfort in knowing I'm surrounding myself with people who support Him and us, people who support the woman He wants me to be, is a huge comfort to His mind. 

 

I've had many such own it moments over the years: 

Honesty v transparency, He is my storm and my calm, I need to let Him be my storm, the purpose of a slave's limits, the importance of a promise, trust, that a single moment CAN have forever consequences, that wait is also service, that shame and humiliation are in my mind where degradation is in the mind of the Dominant and none of these are things conducive to trust **for me**... So many many own it moments. 

 

The following own it moment happened almost a year ago: 

I have always been  a runner. I would never intentionally do it, but some part of me, when things got too real when I became aware that I was held so high off my own footing that a fall would hurt: I'd shove away. I'd test it. I think many of us on both sides of the slash push to test eachother sometimes. It's the kid making sure boundaries exist. Many times my shove entailed me walking or running away from the relationship. My internal need: him to come after me. It didn't have to be grandiose, but some form of "STAY!"  was what I sought. 

 

It got to the point that i was so aware of it, but unaware of how to solve it, that I would tell my Person: " if I ever try to run... come get me, throw me over your shoulder sit ke down tell me NO. talk it out with me. If I still want to walk ok... but dont let me do it until you tell me NO."

 

Well, then I ran into a Mentor who told me in a blog, similar to this, why he would NEVER do that. He explained that it was a disrespect of consent. That the minute I lace up my shoes I have broken a hard limit of his ( and earned myself one strike of 3 for abandonment. Physical violence is 2. Lying is auto 3 buh bye.) He then proceeded to tell me what a hot steaming pile of irony it is that a girl whose #1 trigger is anything smelling of abandonment is a perpetrator thereof. :s yes, I didnt like myself very much then. 

 

That post made me sit myself down and work out the WHY I did it. It was then I understood it WASNT that I was trying to abandon them. I needed demonstrable proof they were holding on to me as tight or tighter than I was holding them. Who was I to test them? Once I understood WHY I did it, I could deal with it. 

 

I faced my own it moment maybe a month after that, with the same Mentor. A situation happened and I was SO ANGRY not at him, at life, at all of it! I wanted to crawl back into my hole and not talk to anyone. I didnt want to hear what He had to say. He was texting me and asked me if I wasn't going to call. I did NOT want to. I was defiant in that i actually had to THINK about it. When I called I stayed silent. He waited. He asked me who he was.... silence ( oh lord I was tempting the storm.) Again... WHO AM I.... ***silence**** .... Are you repudiating Me? I have an expansive vocabulary, but I had to look that one up. As soon as i did I was WELL aware the question being asked. Was I still consenting to His authority? " I'm not repudiating You. ... I don't know what to say. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I can't." " That's fine *name*." That day I hung up my running shoes. I had faced my reason for running. I knew what I do and why. I had acknowledged my running was wrong, mean spirited, and a withdrawal of consent. (for those keeping score at home... He let me stay silent after that for three days. I colored. I wrote. I cleaned. I painted. I exercised, cooked, showered... most of the time with Him either on the phone with me, or on camera with me. It took three days for me to ask Him to read to me. It took a day more than that for me to be ready to talk about what had happened. If He had pushed me, I don't know how I'd have reacted... but He was a very wise man.)

 

That does not mean my feelings of RUN disappeared. I've actually discovered a new cause recently. The moment of surrender. 

 

I do not know if this is universal; or even common. I've never seen it discussed, but I would hazard a guess that if you are a submissive in a deep real surrendered relationship you know this moment. 

 

There is a moment of submission... literal, physical, and deeper emotionally/ mentally. The moment when you bend and ask or accept to submit yourself in part or whole to Another. This is a powerful moment. However, there is one even MORE powerful... the moment of surrender. For me, there comes a moment when if the relationship will be one of the GREAT LOVES of my life... He will ask me to surrender something I am, at that moment, not ready or not desirous to offer. He has his reasons for wanting it. I sit and think...HARD... I wrestle with it. I roll it over. I roll HIM over in my mind. Then I make a choice... I either do not surrender this... and I likely will find this relationship has run its course... or I will SURRENDER. 

 

For me, this moment is absolutely defining. Because of its importance it is hallmarked by HUGE runner feelings. Everything in me wants to retain my control. Everything in me wants to lash out and say "I didn't give you that!" Keep in mind He didn't demand or take.. He requested. Still my fight is strong. These are my "conquer me" feelings... when I chose to surrender myself... well... then He can bronze my running shoes and keep them as a trophy. Whatever He decides to do with my running shoes... one thing is sure... that moment forever changes the dynamic between U/us. From that moment on, the only choice that I have to make when faced with the next "moment of surrender" is to look directly at Him, at what he has been entrusted with up until that point and know ... I am held. I am safe. I am His. 

 

 

So, beautiful lady... sit back on your heels. Look at WHY you are having these feelings... are they red flags? or are they running shoes? If so... is this your Moment of Surrender? 

<3 with all of my support <3

~faith

1 week ago. Mon 11 Mar 2019 05:22:47 AM IST

More later: had a rather poignant dream. Until then:

 

 

~ faith

1 week ago. Sun 10 Mar 2019 07:01:45 AM IST

I never considered myself a careful person. 

I take risks. I jump and scream cannonbaaalllll! I run and never walk. I skip and jump in the puddles. 

 

I have fallen, many times. I've got more scars from scraped knees and strawberry patches from using my hands and feet as brakes on cement. I'm always afraid of the fall, but it never stops me...it never slows me down. 

 

I've never been loved back in the way I love. My love is a powerful, all encompassing, burning, bright thing. It is so impossibly bright that others think it certainly MUST fade, flicker, and go out... but I am not like other things that burn. I am made of passion and energy, emotion and desire. 

 

I've never seen this fire returned. I've never felt its heat. 

 

It is an overpowering thing. It is beautiful and frightening. It is endearing and makes one feel so very small in comparison. It makes me wonder all of the things people have asked ME all these years:

 

Will it last? 

Is it real?

Is it me or is it just how you love?

Why?

Can this intensity last?

Is it safe to let you in?

Will you let me fall? 

 

 

I am not sure I'm ready to do this... in fact I'm 100% sure I'm not. I was barely ready for a love like others love... I'm in no way ready to be loved like THIS... nor to love as I do in return. What does that even look like? I'm afraid it will bring about some catastrophe of immense proportions... certainly that much energy is unstable. 

 

So... please... take it easy on me lover... I know your love, for it is mine. You know my love, for it is yours. Take it easy ... on our love. 

 

~ in dreams

Faith