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A submissive journey

Just my thoughts along the way in the lifestyle
1 day ago. Wed 20 Mar 2019 05:34:12 PM IST

I feel like there are two parts of me now.....

The first part misses being dominated, misses being tied up, flogged, used in the way I was
meant to be used, misses having someone there to help me forget things for a little while, someone to guide me when needed, someone that knows when I need a good spanking or just snuggling, someone to talk to about everything and anything, someone who wont let me push them away, someone to love and be loved by

The second part of me is afraid, afraid to let anyone close again, afraid to trust again, afraid nobody can love me, afraid I am too broken, afraid to tell anyone everything again, afraid nobody can be faithful to me, afraid I will never be enough for anyone, afraid I will just forever be alone because of all my fears

How do I reconcile my two parts and become one again? I wish I knew the answer......

5 days ago. Sat 16 Mar 2019 04:50:44 PM IST

When you see me,you see a smile,happy person. I am the person you go to when your happy,sad,lonely,or just need to vent. When you need something I am there and do whatever I can to help you. You know you can rely on me and never hesitate to call or text me knowing I will not ever say no or not listen,encourage,help find a solution,or try to lift your spirits. I am the go to person for so many...

But nobody knows the real me. They don't know when Im sad,troubled,happy,or need help.Yes I might bitch a little at times about stupid stuff but that is it. I always keep it to myself,never wanting to burden anyone especially knowing what they are going through or have gone through. I wont ask you to go out of your way for me or to help me. I have asked a few times and nobody could be there so now I just don't bother. I have always figured it out on my own and continue to do so.Nobody knows where I have been or what I have been through in life,I don't share it and never have. Not even my family knows me as I am the go to person with them also. I have not shared my past with my past partner's except one and he is no longer with me. I am also afraid if anyone really knew me and what I have been through they would run....

So nobody knows the real me.....

6 days ago. Fri 15 Mar 2019 05:20:14 PM IST

Weekends suck when your single! I am so tired of being alone every weekend! I just want someone to be here with me even if it's just sitting on the couch watching tv. I miss having someone to do things with 😥

1 week ago. Mon 11 Mar 2019 06:50:45 PM IST

I can't take credit for writing this just something I found that resonated with me

 

It's not the loneliness that makes being alone unbearable 

It's accepting the fact the of the 6.93 billion people in the world not a single soul fought hard enough to be with you

 

Exactly how I feel 

1 week ago. Sun 10 Mar 2019 08:16:31 PM IST

I met a D who says he wants to see me and see where things go but I am not sure he is right for me. Maybe it's me but I think if your really into someone you text,call,and do what you can to see them and I'm not getting any of that from him. He says( when we talk) that he wants to see me but he never has time and even when we have made plans I won't hear from him until late in the day,not even a good morning. 

I do not think he is right since he is so bad at keeping in touch,I want someone who wants to keep in touch and wants me

2 weeks ago. Tue 05 Mar 2019 07:28:28 PM IST

I had been talking to a Dom I met years ago but our timing was off back then,so we decided to meet up again and see how it goes now. 

We met up yesterday, we still like each other and it was a nice day. However my mistake was meeting him somewhere I used to go a lot with my ex D,it was the place we met the second time and realized we really wanted to be together. So as we were leaving yesterday the new D starts kissing me and all I could think of was the time there with the ex. I just don't know why or how to stop thinking of him at those times and it's killing me. The new D noticed something was up and asked if I was ok and if he overstepped,I told him he didn't and I was ok but the memories flooded back. 

 

Not sure what to do about that and before anyone says maybe I'm not ready it's been almost a year and I am ready that was the first time that happened when out with someone new,I think it was just the place that did it. I do plan on talking to him about it though so he doesn't think it was him.  

2 weeks ago. Sat 02 Mar 2019 08:32:31 PM IST

In a world of kinky,poly,open,sharing,and so many other types of relationships being a single submissive is not easy. All I want is a monogamous D/s relationship,someone who truly wants me,calls,texts,wants to see me,but the offers I am getting are anything but that. I state clearly what I'm looking for on my profile and in my writing "so you want to be my Dom" but apparently the men reaching out to me either are illiterate or my guess don't bother to actually read my profile,SO ANNOYING!!

I have had many try to convince me that sharing either them or myself is of course what I want,I just don't know it yet,Guess what? I am a grown ass woman and I do know what I want!!

I've been told I do not know what I'm missing not joining a poly family, newsflash I DO know I will be missing a monogamous relationship which is what I want!!

I have been offered one night stands and again if that was what I wanted which I do not I would state that in my profile....and it's not in there!

I have had offfers for a play partner but guess what I have one when needed,someone I know and trust not some random guy who claims to be a Dom or Top!!

I have been told that monogamy doesn't exist anymore and I will be alone,I rather be alone then compromise my wants and needs

I could go on but I think by now you get it, READ my profile and my writings before sending me messages offering things that I DO NOT WANT

Being single in this lifestyle is harder then one would think and I refuse to change who I am or what I want......

I am proud of who I am and will stay true to myself and someday maybe I'll find him

2 weeks ago. Sat 02 Mar 2019 03:47:59 AM IST

I have been used
I have been lied to
I have been abused
I have been cheated on
I have been taken advantage of
I have put my trust in the wrong person
I have been a victim....

I have learned
I have grown
I have healed

I HAVE BECOME STRONGER

3 weeks ago. Tue 26 Feb 2019 05:37:51 PM IST

I miss the crack of the belt,the sting on my ass and back,the welts and bruises there for days after to remind me I belonged to someone. I miss the feel of a a strong hand on my ass,the hand prints left behind. I miss a hand going into my hair and then the feel of pulling it so hard tears came to my eyes. I miss the anticipation of not knowing what was coming next and enjoying what did. I miss the feel of a flogger,beater,or paddle striking over and over until I thought I could take no more but then taking more. I miss someone knowing when I could take no more but pushing me to take more. I miss being able to lose myself in subspace and the aftercare, the cuddling,caressing,tender touches,soft spoken words of encouragement and soft kisses. I miss knowing I could submit mind,heart,and soul,and know I was safe with someone.I miss having someone to please and do as I am told,hearing the "good girl".I miss the feel of a collar around my neck,knowing I belonged to someone. I hope someday I will stop missing it because I have someone again to fulfill me as I fulfill them.

3 weeks ago. Sun 24 Feb 2019 05:40:00 PM IST

I did not write this but had to share

February 23, 2015: Just a short note to say that I like to think that Jade would be so happy to have known how this writing is having such an impact and helping so many people in our kink community. If you wish to share, please do so, but PLEASE ensure that she as the author is noted. Thank you Jade! :)

********************************************************
written by: Jade Richardson, 1997 (may she rest in peace)

We often confuse these two things: I WANT and I NEED. Although they may seem to be the same at first glance, there is a huge difference in the two. We want a lot of things in life; money, new cars, a beautiful home, success, and hot fudge sundaes, just to name a few. But how many of them do we really need? Very often the things we want are not always things that are the best for us and are usually self-indulgent wishes that change as fast as the top ten hits on VH1. "Needs" are a different situation. They are the fundamentals we require to remain mentally and physically healthy and allow us to grow spiritually and emotionally. I may really want a hot fudge sundae but survive quite well without it. But, I cannot thrive without my basic needs being met.

We've had many encounters with unhappy submissives who bemoan the fact their Dominant does not give them what they need. As we listen to the list of complaints, we sometimes find a lot of "wants" mixed in with a few valid "needs" in the charges against their Dominant. Sorting them out isn't always easy for either the submissive or Dominant in a relationship. Each person is unique and comes with their own special requirements. Without a doubt, this is one area that requires communication skills and time before either party can confidently determine what they want or need from the other. The Submissive Owner's Manual may help you to understand some of the complexities of the Dominant/submissive relationship.

Submissive Owner's Manual

I need to feel safe

Before I can begin to open my submissive nature to You, I need to feel safe and have reason to trust You. To let down my walls and give You control of my will may take time and testing before I feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after I've given myself to You fully, I need to be reminded I am safe with You. I may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but I need to be sure no matter how You stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, I will remain safe in Your care.
I need to know You accept me for all I am

I will be many things to You as our relationship grows and I need to know You accept me as a person during each transition along the way. I need to know You accept me as a friend, lover, companion, and Your submissive but also accept me as parent, child, employee, community member or other roles I fill in my obligations to family or society.
I need to have clearly defined limits

I need to know exactly what You expect of me and know that You also understand my limits. In some ways I am like a child that needs a fence around my play area so I know how far I can go and feel secure inside those limits. I need You to reinforce those fences by correcting me when I try to climb them without Your approval.
I need You to be consistent

I need to know You mean what You say and that today's rules will apply to tomorrow's behavior. Nothing confuses me more than giving me mixed signals by allowing me to break rules that You've given me. From time to time I may test You to see if You are capable of accepting control of my life by consistently bringing me back to the path You've chosen for me. It's not done to try Your patience, but is my way of finding reassurance You are paying attention to my progress. Very often it's not done consciously and I promise I'll not use it as a method for provoking Your negative responses.
I need to expand my limits

I need to grow and to be challenged. Left on my own, I'll become bored or stagnate within the boundaries I accepted in the beginning. I need to be pushed, but never shoved, to go beyond the places I've been. I may drag my feet and pout at times, or sit down and refuse to move because I'm unsure and need Your guidance in overcoming my obstacles. I depend on You for strength and encouragement to get beyond them.
I need You to teach me

I need to learn, and it is You who are my teacher. My mind is hungry for new things and learning helps me to become all that I can be. This may require You to continue to learn new things in order to keep me challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
I need goals

Part of my make-up as a submissive makes me very goal-oriented. I need them to measure my progress and need You to provide them for me. Take time to explain those goals in ways I can comprehend Your plans concerning my growth as Your submissive. Without Your direction, I quickly become lost so I'll look to You frequently to provide a purpose and aim as I continue in my development as a submissive.
I need to be corrected

I need You to correct me when I make mistakes. Without Your correction, I will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break and do great damage to our relationship and to us as individuals. Without Your correction, I may never know I've made a mistake. Allowing me to continue unchecked will only cause me to fail both of us in the end. I admire firmness in Your correction and feel secure in knowing that You will never be afraid to take steps needed in keeping me focused on the goals You've set for me.
I need You to be my role-model

I look up to You and try to follow in Your footsteps. If You fail to live up to a standard, I will follow You into failure, often without You noticing until it is too late. I learn quickly by the examples You provide for me and often base my reactions and behaviors on my observations of You in similar situations. I will blindly pattern myself in Your image, so be aware that my eyes will always be on You as You face Your own challenges and daily activities.
I need Your approval and reassurance

I need to know when You approve of me or what I've done and to know I belong to You even if I fall short of my goals. I sometimes confuse approval with disapproval when You do not provide positive reinforcement when You are pleased by my actions. I will constantly be seeking Your approval when I'm unsure of myself and may need to rely deeply on Your support and reassurance when I'm confused about a situation or apprehensive about a new challenge.
I need to be able to express myself

I have a need to express both good and bad things to You but it may be difficult for me to put the negative things into words. I fear Your rejection and hate disappointing You, so I may need a little space and time to voice all the things I need to say. You can help me by reassuring me that my feelings are valid, even if they aren't something You find pleasure in hearing. There may be times when I'm upset or angry with You but without freedom to express those feelings, there can be only festering resentment or misunderstanding. Guide me in ways that I can learn to speak my heart without breaking it or Yours.
I need to learn from my mistakes

I need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. I know Your protective nature will struggle with allowing me to be hurt but I need to learn the consequences of what I've done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. I will need Your comfort once I've faced my failure, but will sometimes feel unworthy of asking or unable to voice my disappointment in failing. Allow me to sort out my feelings before wiping away my tears.
I need forgiveness when I fail You

Nothing hurts me more than to know I've failed or displeased You, and I need to be forgiven once I've made amends. It is very hard for me to forgive myself for a wrong-doing and I may need Your help in getting beyond the feelings of remorse I am carrying. I may even need to be punished, if my wrong-doing was traumatic enough, in order to feel closure and accept forgiveness. I depend on You to make that determination for me and need Your help in making an atonement that is acceptable to You.
I need to feel I contribute

I have a deep-set need to give and must have outlets for this need. My basic nature is to give of myself and You will be the primary recipient of my gifts. Allow me to contribute to our relationship and our life together. To do less will leave me unfulfilled and unneeded, a fate worse than death for me. Provide me with ways to contribute things to others, also. I may need to give of myself to those I hold dear but You will always receive the best I have to offer.
I need to enjoy successes

Without experiencing and enjoying my successes, I may give up my fight to be all You desire for me. Allow me the pleasure of savoring the taste of victory when I overcome an obstacle or if You find pride in my attempts. All of my successes belong to You and I need to share their rewards with You. I don't expect You to spoil me with grand displays for little victories, but when I've reached beyond the limits of my past attempts, please don't deny me the sweet feelings of knowing I've achieved a goal You've set.
I need to share with You

Sharing with You is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of my submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of my being as well as the physical body I inhabit. It may be difficult for me to give You access to the deeper levels of my emotions and feelings, but those are the things I need to share the most. I'll depend on You to direct me in ways I can achieve total openness with You. I also need to share in the things You are. Trust me enough to share in Your fears, failures and struggles. I'll never see You as weak or incapable because You have shown confidence in me by giving part of Yourself in trust.
I need to feel loved, respected, and protected in Your ownership

No matter how well I've done or how miserably I've failed, I need to know I'm still loved and protected by You. Nothing will prevent me from trying new things like fear of losing Your respect and love. By the reverse, nothing will encourage me to expand my limits and grow to be all I am capable of being more than knowing You will be there to protect me from harm and will love me even if I fall short of the target. I need to be loved and to love You in return. I can't survive without it.