I have given my pet rules she has to follow, my first rule of course is she has no voice, I am her voice in all matters. I don't believe anything needs to be discussed, if something is my will, then it is done. However even with that being said, I understand that ultimately individuals will rebel one way or another if they don't have a voice. So I gave her a platform, called her journal in which in the journal she can write about anything she desires. speak freely with out being punished for it. I make her save her journal entry into google drive and share her journal entries with me.
these are a few excerpts
June 24 journal entry
The reason i had asked Master if we could talk thursdays is because i have a few questions before agreeing to go further...the rabbit hole doesn't scare me anymore..but i do have a few concerns before committing 100%..
Not because I question how i feel about him...but the insecurities and issues for lack of a better term I feel because of certain things..that is what I wish to talk about and put to rest before hand.
I love you Kenneth Earl Maxwell with everything that i am..
hot day so far...charging phone so i can finish up tasks..and take more pics per Masters request...while also getting household stuff done.
Im fighting this damn crazy depression...im trying to pull myself out of it...im trying to tell myself that i can get excited by masters plans..to come thursday..to getaway friday for cpl days...i did tell mom..so thats a step..i so want to be excited..but fear of something occuring and everything being cancelled once again..i know master says he wont let anything stand in way..but life seems to be too much disappointment ..in general not just lately with Master.. wish i could shake my head clear of the thoughts and bs...wish i could just see like i use to
June 23 journal entries
Yep i got drunk. Master ignores me ..fuck it why not. He wants me to submit to him completely..and i so want to..but he does shit like this and makes me feel like im nothing...im dirt that he wipes off his shoes..master is suppose to love me..he says he does..then this...i want to just cry...but i cant..i love him...so fucking much...this hurts...this rejection...this disappointment...this sadness……..so yep got drunk...and hung out with my brother and kat...didnt tell them...but cried on becky… cuz she knew something was wrong….why is it MASTER cant love me...cant respect me enough to at least tell me whats up . I would do anything for him…….Anything...
Been a rough hungover day..my own fault...well mostly lol
Finally heard from him...says hes coming up Thursday after work..says he wants to tell me something....says we can still getaway fri-sun..
Do I dare even hope?
Random thoughts in my head
I have so many stupid questions and other shit...feelings and whatnot... in my head...
Why do i feel so damn confused…
Why do i still want to please him so much…
Why does it seem to hurt so much when he disappoints me, ignores me,
Why is what was suppose to get easier seems to be getting more confusing…
Why does he make me feel like I don't deserve anything good...like i dont matter..
Like there is something wrong with me..
Am i that hard to love?
Am i that undeserving of happiness…
June 22 journal entry
Dont know whats going on with him…
So fucking confused
Promised he would be up last night..
He messaged me around 6..didn't
say anything about not coming up..so assumed he was still coming..then said he was still in Leominster at 8:30 doing errands..wasn't gonna make it up..that he would call me when he got home..haven't heard anything..i've messaged him..no response..
I know I didn't do anything wrong..so dont know whats going on.. wish he would just text or call already..
Don't wanna just sit here...cuz i will end up driving myself crazy…
Had the best night sleep in a long time.. lol slept on couch on porch lol
Was up for like 3 hours and passed out on the porch again .. I think it was the sound of the rain that lulled me to sleep.
I miss Master so much..can't wait to see him tonight
Usually i've heard from him by now...when he's on his way.