I sent my profile into the void and thought - I cannot leave without saying farewell. It is a fond farewell. Likely, it is not forever. It is that time of year when time gets as tight as our pockets are light. Navigating the emotions of memories and seasons past. I tend to do a lot of reflection. This year has been full of emotion for me as I clawed my way out of the tomb of a life I created for myself.
..is a good thing. Taking all we experience into honest consideration is an avenue of growth. When we go through life chasing down those finely curated and boxed desires bespoke by the people that raised us or the media that fed us, we add all of these into our lifestyle repertoire. If you were like me, you chewed on the edge of that box until you broke a tooth. Along the way, you figure out that these are someone else's ideal - but what are yours? Of course, you also fuck-shit-up along the way. Reflection is that honest and holistic view of you. The one only you can see. Your tapestry. Your garden. Cutting off the vestigial parts is like pruning. You make way for the right seed to be planted.
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
- raymond carver
Remember that it is not enough to identify what is rubbish. Waste should be removed, lest is become a burden to your life and mind. Reflection has taught me about my frailties and my resilience. It has also taught me that I am far too trusting upfront with these things. This tends to lead to great conversations and my investment in the person only to have them walk away. And while good riddance of bad rubbish, it takes a toll. You often lose something of value, if you are not careful.
Loss is one of those things that for some is as easy as a lesson. Assimilate and move on. How I wish I was that person. Loss comes with the mourning of some kind as mourning is not restricted to the deceased. It is a process assigned to a profound loss.
Loss of Love.
Loss of Limb.
Loss of Life.
For over a decade, I've been swimming in the loss I accumulated over the course of my life. Things that should not only have been recognized but tossed out. I am mourning my loss of time. Time wasted on these things. Time spent beating myself up over things that were not my fault.
Okay, maybe there were a few. 😏
Reflection has taught me that I enjoy passion and creativity. The dominant male sexual prowess and the safety and security he offers is unparallel. It has taught me that I do not love myself nearly as much as I deserve. That my career is not my life. Change is not always a catalyst for evil. There is a good kind of solitude and a bad kind. Follow-through is everything. A solid mutual bond with my dom is of the highest priority. Neglect can come in many forms. It is okay to be afraid - just don't live there.
O Solitude! if I must with thee dwell,
Let it not be among the jumbled heap
Of murky buildings; climb with me the steep,—
Nature’s observatory—whence the dell,
Its flowery slopes, its river’s crystal swell,
May seem a span; let me thy vigils keep
’Mongst boughs pavillion’d, where the deer’s swift leap
Startles the wild bee from the fox-glove bell.
But though I’ll gladly trace these scenes with thee,
Yet the sweet converse of an innocent mind,
Whose words are images of thoughts refin’d,
Is my soul’s pleasure; and it sure must be
Almost the highest bliss of human-kind,
When to thy haunts two kindred spirits flee.
- john keats
These creative and passionate things I need to seek out and explore. Somewhere waiting for me is the dom who is the perfect fit for my garden. Together we will mend the fences and grow a bond like no other.
I wish you all well over the course of the holiday season. Be good to one another. ❤