6 days ago. Feb 11, 2020, 3:28 AM
This topic has been a subject of conversation for Master and I from the beginning. I had a major revelation, an awakening, regarding the image I was portraying (intentionally or not) when I came to The Cage. Tell me if this sounds at all familiar to you.
Profile of a "submissive"
I am strong, independent, and intelligent. I like (fill in the blank with concrete imagery meaning--things that are "set in stone" as likes). I don't like (fill in the blank with the same types of things, just the "avoid" category). Then the profile continues with what I want you to know about me. Things you surely need to be mindful of when talking to me. I may add how alpha I am, and IN CHARGE of my life. I am "successful" in all that I do. I could draw a beautiful picture of what I am looking for in return, but guess what? unless I am looking for a submissive man (errr, person), then I realized my perfect "dominant" most likely stopped reading at "alpha" or "I'm in charge" or "I am successful in all that I do." Don't go get all puffed up just yet. Let me share my story with you first. Then, I think you'll be like, "ohhhhh!!! yeahhhh!!! I can see that!" Let's see.
My profile read much like this. STRONG, INDEPENDENT, KICK ASS, SHE-WOMAN (not verbatim but that was the identity I was driving). I made the same mistake in my profile that I made when first taking the BDSM assessment. I led with my vanilla characteristics. While most men should surely appreciate a strong, independent, and intelligent woman regardless of which side of the slash they are on, the man I was looking for might have mistaken me for a Domme or at best a switch, which most dominants resist because of the fear of her "topping from the bottom" (my first BDSM assessment read the same way, SWITCH). I wasn't describing the vulnerable me. I didn't describe the sweet me. I didn't share my NEEDS and how flexible I am in relationships. I would always reserve these characteristics for when I got to know someone. My process was terribly flawed. I wasn't attracting the man who could be trusted with the sweet and vulnerable details. This is how I ended up being ghosted so many times. This is how I ended up with those who were playing a role or wanting some quick fun with no real responsibility. "Hey, this girl can take care of herself. I can just have fun." I wasn't looking for that. I needed a dominant. Deep inside was a submissive NEEDING her Dominant. She had grown so weak from malnutrition that even she couldn't recognize a true dominant.
The guys that I attracted (even though my name includes "sub" and I was clearly identified as "submissive") would write with "I want to be your slave" or "degrade me," "dominate" me. At first, I thought it was that they weren't reading my profile. The others that I attracted were those who would check out the newbies. "Get them before they learn anything, so I can be the one to teach them right." I try to believe that is their true motivation instead of being those who wait at the bottom and feed on those who haven't build enough technical nourishment to be able to identify someone who wants to protect them vs. someone they need to be protected from. I was so confused. I didn't understand why I wasn't attracting the truly dominant men. Why is it that all of the men in my life have always been like my...OH SH*T! It HIT ME like a ton of bricks. But first, a little history. Yes, there is always a reason why you do what you do.
My Current Life
I have never hid this fact. I am married. My husband actually has a profile here, too, though he doesn't come here. He says, "The Cage is your playground." I appreciate that. My husband and I are polyamorous. He and his girlfriend prefer other communities. I like the separation of playgrounds personally. Actually, this isn't a playground for me anymore. It is a home of sorts. It is where I found my incredible MJS. When I began identifying the right way, I attracted the right type of man.
For 15 years, my husband hasn't been dominant. It has been a subject of frustration and many conversations our entire marriage. I used to believe that this was something a man could choose to be. Some may disagree with me, but I now believe a man is either dominant or he isn't. With me, my husband isn't dominant. Does that have something to do with my "strong, independent, kick-ass she-woman" vanilla persona? Perhaps. But which came first? Hmmm...the persona. It is who I am. He was attracted to a strong woman. If I was empowered by being needed by a submissive man, I guess that would light me up, but it didn't. Instead, it did quite the opposite. My light went out. The fuel necessary to keep that light burning bright MUST be nurtured. It isn't his fault that my light went out. It really isn't anyone's fault. It is just the reality of not knowing how to attract the characteristics that you truly need to keep the light burning bright.
Noun or Verb
When my husband and I chose to live a polyamorous lifestyle, the first thing I said was, "I am going to pursue a Dom." Boy did this ride get interesting before it finally settled into being exactly what I needed. I met several guys who were good at the verb, but not great at being the noun. I shared with a friend here that what she had been encountering in her journey of "clubs" was a lot of verbs. She was finding plenty of men capable of "dominating," (verb) but she wasn't finding the "Dominant" (noun). The noun will embody the verb. By being WHO (noun) he is, WHAT HE DOES (verb) will be complete. If we focus on the verb, then we can easily miss the noun.
Anyone can attempt an action. If you enjoy being spanked by anyone, then the person needn't be a Dominant. You can line up anywhere and take turns getting spanked. The same for whatever your kink. If it is the ACTION that you need, then yeah, anyone will do for you because all you need is a person to do it (unless you can find a robot to, then you could have it anytime you need it), but if you are looking for someone to share your life with who will join you in this lifestyle, you need more than the verb. My husband tried to be the verb after 14 years of me consistently asking for domination. He never tried before. Perhaps the "I'm going to pursue a Dom" spoke more loudly than I did the past 14 years. The verb didn't work for me. I realized perhaps this is something that some people aren't able to be.
As it turns out, he is a switch with his girlfriend. She calls him "Daddy." This was really difficult for me. How can he be all dominant now with her and not me? Why didn't he try back at year two when I first brought it up? Why did it take me searching for a dominant to make him truly listen? Whatever. I can't beat myself up about that. I also have to realize that maybe she can be perfectly happy with calling him Daddy one day beating his ass the next day as his Sadist. (Those of you who are switch may be able to explain that to me more if you'd like.) I realize that I can't be ok with the switch because I need the DOM, 24/7. I have had to accept that our marriage has really changed. He and I aren't intimate anymore. To call us "poly" anymore is really a stretch. We are really more of roommates and don't even share the same room anymore. I guess that is still poly. The relationship can vary greatly between partners in a poly relationship, and the key to poly is that all partners are aware of each other's existence. ("Ethical non-monogamy" is the other name for poly.) We are that.
But to get back to the subject...(squirrel)
My husband's attempt at domination (verb) didn't light me up. I needed a dominant who is ALL NOUN. I am happy to have found Him. All of that being said, the way that I found Him was by making suggested changes to my profile for one. I needed to show more of my "little" side and my "submissive" side. In conversation, He was able to learn how strong I am in my vanilla life. I didn't have to run Him away by putting it on my profile. We began as friends. I was far more intentional than He was. I lovingly tease by saying that He was "clueless" to my interest. Looking back at my early comments on His posts, I can see my interest, but I have to admit that it wasn't completely obvious. There was one of our friends here who was on to us, or she at least had a sneaky suspicion anyway, when He introduced me as His "breath." Miss M, you know who you are. I haven't asked if I can use your name, so I'll stick with Miss M, and I think you'll recognize my shout-out. Feel free to self-identify in the comments if you'd like.
The difference between what I had experienced in the past (verb) and what I experience now (noun) is glaring. So, if you enjoy the play then make sure your profile focuses on the "kinks" you really are interested in, but if you're trying to attract a 24/7, lifelong Dominant, be sure you show your submissive side as it pertains to lifelong service. Don't give too many details. Hit the highlights. Keep it simple. I've been made aware that because of the number of subs looking a lot of Doms don't read really long profiles (which probably means none of them are reading this post LOL), so now we can plan to take over the world while they aren't watching. hehehe just teasing. Think of your profile as a movie trailer. You have just a minute to convey enough interesting things to make the Dom want to rent the movie. What movie do you want Him to watch? The one where he just pleasures himself and turns it off as soon as he is finished? or the interactive movie where you both enjoy but then it's over? or do you want the romantic film, with sexy scenes, hot and fun play, and hunger for more that leaves you naturally feeling like you want to serve him (that is domination in action--he doesn't have to "do" anything. It is WHO he is. The noun). Whatever it is that you are looking for, try to convey that in words and photos on your profile, without giving away too much to strangers. Value your body the way you would want him to. Protect your image and share it only with those who truly earn your trust.
So if you feel like you haven't attracted the one you are truly looking for, take a serious look at your profile and your interaction. If you are into the verb, hey, there is not one thing wrong with that. I'm sure you would probably prefer to attract the one who is interested in domination over being your dominant. And listen, I realize this doesn't mean the one providing domination isn't a dom. There are Doms who aren't interested in 24/7. They want to play, and again, there is nothing wrong with that as long as the sub is looking for the same thing and is aware it is play only. The focus of this post has been the switch when you need a 24/7 Dom, which has been my life since 1992. Oh lord, some of you just realized you weren't born yet! I won't even go there. LOL. Don't hesitate to ask for feedback on your profile (from subs and non-collared Doms). After all, it is kind of like a resume, and we are being interviewed. If it didn't work, then ask, what could I have communicated better? (and remember, sometimes, it isn't you at all. Get really good at being able to tell the difference.)
To my Master, my incredible Dominant, Perfect for me. No longer me and You. Now, We are Us. Always & Forever Yours