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Logic and Light Bulbs

Random thoughts and connections I am making about this new process of becoming who I'm meant to be for the one I am patiently waiting for.
2 days ago. Mon 27 Jan 2020 09:55:32 AM IST

Who can put a proper time frame on feelings? When is the proper time for a first kiss? Saying "I love you"? Moving in together? Is there a manual that says "After X amount of time, it is ok to ____." I was talking with a friend and she told me that her and her husband were together for 3 weeks before they got married. Everyone said that was too fast. They've been together 20+ years.

So that made me realize that there shouldn't be a certain amount of time to declare feelings for someone. I love everyone I come in contact with. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's always genuine. That's just who I am. I wear my heart on my sleeve. True, I get hurt frequently, but it is worth every ounce of pain because I become better and  stronger from every experience. Why should we hide our feelings because someone might think poorly? To each their own, right?

Timing is always perfect and everything happens for a reason. You never know who you will affect or how. You may not even see it. Be yourself and love wholeheartedly. Everything will work itself out.

4 days ago. Fri 24 Jan 2020 04:03:25 PM IST

I get to see daddy today! Eeeee!!! I am so super-duper extra excited. And today is going to be good as hell!

6 days ago. Wed 22 Jan 2020 09:14:04 PM IST

This post goes out to all my ex's who thought I wasn't good enough for them... And a special shout out to my ex-husband. Thank you for trying to make me less of a person. It is because of you I shine!

1 week ago. Wed 22 Jan 2020 10:25:08 AM IST

I have figured out that because so much happened so fast when I first started blogging, I am now on cruise control. The man I am with is making me happy and is doing all the right things. There are no light bulb moments because everything is perfect, no turmoil to learn from. He is giving me the structure I so desperately desire as well as the relationship dynamic I need. HE is chasing ME, which is a first. (Not that I'm running.) He is going out of his way to come and see me. He even came down for a few hours, went home, and then came back the next night! That's 8 hours in the car, for 7 hours of being with me! That is something I would have done, and now that I think about it, it sounds ridiculous and illogical. But I guess when feelings are strong enough, you do crazy things. We actually made it "Facebook official", which was good, but kind of hard for me to wrap my head around as he lost his wife last year. You can't be married AND have a girlfriend at the same time, so he had to take his wife off. That kind of upset me. I didn't want him to do that. (That light bulb came on after the fact.) I'm not looking to take her place. Ever. And I can only imagine how hard it is for him. I know people grieve in different ways, so I should just let it be. They were polyamorous in the lifestyle, but it’s still kind of hard to wrap my head around.

As far as the contract goes, it's still a work in progress. I enjoy working on it together in stages. He'll add something, I'll look it over, make possible adjustments (usually grammar related lol), or I'll add something and he'll make adjustments. It is absolutely amazing how much we have think alike. One of his Guidance Rules is Lower Expectations. He explains that we need to lower the expectations of ourselves and not expect us to be perfect, and to just enjoy the experience. How perfect is he!?!?

I know we have not been together long, and there are bound (hee) to be things we don't like about the other, but until that comes (hee), I am enjoying EVERY second of this. We both want to please the other, and that is how a relationship should be.

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1 week ago. Fri 17 Jan 2020 12:18:21 AM IST

One of the important aspects of this lifestyle is aftercare. If the Dom doesn't do what you need or want when the scene is over, you may not get the affect(s) you desire. In the past, there have only been two times I have played without sex, so I really thought that the two went hand-in-hand. I would say they didn't, and I knew they didn't, but it hadn't really clicked until a few days ago.
I was thinking about the last time Silver and I had played together. It was at the Christmas party of a local group. I had reached my breaking point and had been released from my cuffs. Silver had gotten behind me and lowered me to the ground so I was leaning, but crouched, against him. I was crying (which is something I need as I don't usually cry on my own) and he was just holding me. I couldn't see anything as I had taken my glasses off prior to the scene. He stood me up, wrapped me in my blanket, handed me my stuffie, then led me to a padded table to lie down. I just laid there. Even though there was so much going on, nothing was happening. It was the strangest thing I had ever felt. I was nowhere. I just was. Now that I think about it, it's like I was floating.
I know that aftercare is different for everyone, but I think when just starting out, all options should be explored. And because this is such an emotional necessity for me, to have what I need is so important. I'm still slowly processing everything, but I'm thinking I may need to just be left alone in order for me to get most out this. Only time will tell.

2 weeks ago. Wed 15 Jan 2020 11:54:49 AM IST

In my 'search' for someone my speed, I have found it difficult to get even close to everything I want. For me, structure is very important. I want someone who can help me achieve my goals, better me as a person. I may have found him.

At the Meet and Greet that was 2 HOURS AWAY FROM HOME, I met a man and we just connected. I shared a lot with him and he shared a lot with me. We have been building trust with each other as our schedules are perfect for our situation. I have shown him what I was wanting as far as structure, and he's taken to it like a fish to water.

In the process of explaining things, I found myself starting to feel in charge, like I was becoming dominant in this aspect, telling him what I was wanting him to do and what not. I am showing him the ropes and I am loving explaining it to him.

I asked a friend if this is me taking charge or more of negotiations. She said it was the negotiation process. Is this what it's like for normal relationships (of the D/s nature)? There isn't one person saying "This is what you're doing period"? This is great. I understand I have had some say in the past, but this is all me. He is doing what I want him to, and we are discussing things and figuring them out, growing along the way. I'll be excited when we get to the 'Rules and Punishments' portion. But, for right now, I am just enjoying that fact that he WANTS to get to know me and my desires. All of my experiences so far have led to this. I am able to take a stand and say "This is what I need in my life to be happy" and not back away from it. The best part is learning the give-and-take and coming together in agreement as a couple. I love negotiations.

2 weeks ago. Tue 14 Jan 2020 02:13:44 AM IST

When I first heard about Consensual Non Consent, my first thought went to rape. Why in the world would someone want to be raped? As time went on, I realized that this lifestyle, for a lot of people, is therapeutic, allowing people to recreate times of trauma and change things, so to speak, giving the victim a chance to overcome and build the trust needed to sustain relationships. 
Another thing I recently thought about is the fact that I enjoy being forced into submission. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I want to be made to do something. I am consenting to do it, but I will fight you because it's fun and I can. That, to me, is CNC. I know labels aren't important, but it puts so many options on the table and allows me to understand myself and my capabilities. The more I know the more I grow.

2 weeks ago. Sun 12 Jan 2020 03:52:15 PM IST

Throughout my relationship with Silver, he kept telling me to be on the lookout for someone more "my speed", younger, more fit, and exactly what I was looking for so he could someday hand me off.
Well, this last weekend, I did just that. I drove 2 hours one way to attend an hour meet and greet just so I could 'meet and greet' other kinksters. I hit the "I'm going" button on the event page and made my mark. A day or so before the event, someone reached out to me. We struck up a conversation and decided to meet and have dinner before. We met up and talked a lot. It was nice. He ended up paying, which was very sweet.
At the meet and greet, I met my first Truple (three-person dynamic). What a site. Master/Dom/husband, submissive/wife/sister, and slave/sister. I basically did my introverted thing at first and just watched how the dynamic interacted. It was very interesting.
There was another woman who was a full-blown Mistress. Confident. Sexy. Everything I wanted to be... and eventually will be. She used to be an escort. I was so turned on by her. I didn't know what I was feeling. All of these emotions. Craziness. Anyways, she was telling me how sexy I was and coming on to me. She asked me to dance a couple times and we ended up kissing... a lot. Like hands all over each other kissing. It was very strange. Not strange, foreign and exciting. I'm wondering if I am pansexual, bisexual, something. I'm still processing things.
After everyone left, he and I stayed and played pool. (He brought his own cues, but managed to lose 4 out 5 games. Makes you wonder.) We finally got to the "sex" talk. We both said that we couldn't read the other. Turns out we are more compatable than we realized. I had to leave for work, but we did have a terrific makeout session. I decided to go back last night and we had dinner and played around. Turns out I'm more primal than I thought. And that's exciting. It will now be 2 weeks before we can see each other again. I am thankful, though, for the distance between us. It will allow us to take our time and grow on a more personal level. We already know we mesh physically. I'm excited to see where this road takes us. Stepping out of my box has certainly paid off.

2 weeks ago. Sat 11 Jan 2020 01:31:10 PM IST

This week has been a real eye opener for me. Communication is so key in this lifestyle. Without it, you can ruin someone to the point they lose themselves.
As was the case for me (almost). I was so confused and stressed out, bouncing back and forth from "Do I?" and "Don't I", I actually thought about saying forget this whole thing. I don't need this kind of negativity and I've been doing so well. And on top of that, someone in my local community said something about me going too fast. First of all, there have only been two people in my local community who have even bothered to get to know me, and they both know how hungry for information I am. No one else even asks. They assume that because I ask questions, I'm already doing it. News flash! I am not that easy and I am too smart to get hurt in this lifestyle. *Fingers crossed* Believe it or not, but everyone I reach out to has gone through a vetting process. It may be small, but I know the right questions and I get answer.
Anyways, when entering a polyamorous relationship, make sure everyone involved, and I mean everyone, knows all the rules before anything happens. This lesson has been learned the hard way, but boy, is it one hell of a bright bulb.

3 weeks ago. Wed 08 Jan 2020 04:04:58 AM IST

I took the weekend off from Silver. It was hard for me not to message him and ask to see him, but I succeeded. Then came today. I noticed that he posted something on Fetlife about experiences and he talked about me. I thanked him for not badmouthing me, not that he ever would. Things progressed and I ended up at his house. We were just talking and there was a look in his eyes that triggered something in me that I just couldn't control. I took ahold of him and said, "kiss me". He said "yes ma'am". I told him to touch me. "Where?" "Everywhere." He was under my spell. I could tell by the tone of his voice that no matter what I told him to do, he would happily oblige. It was the most amazing experience I have had so far.
I have had men who were in love with me before, but never to this extent. We talked about the events that had happened when our courting commenced. He admitted to wanting to rush into things. Things were already underway before I came into the relationship, and he had wanted to try and fix things too fast, not just let them happen. Now we will slow down, putting the D/s thing on hold. I am still wanting structure, but I am really not wanting the stress I was put under the first time around. I still want nothing to do with Tammy. She has 2 weeks left to do a certain something. We'll see if he follows through with this deadline.
He is finally coming over for a little's date tomorrow. I am kind of thinking the holidays just threw everything off. Plus, I was, and still am, on information (as well as emotion) overload. I crashed. I had to let go of my desire for control. And, as a woman, believe it or not, that is a hard thing to do. But in doing so, I gained a whole nother sense of control I could not ever have imagined. While I am wanting to explore this, I think I may put it on the back burner and focus on Silver and my relationship, and the fact that I do have more of a say in things than I had originally thought. No contract. No rules. Just basic love (and lust) for each other. The fun part of things. Let the honeymoon phase begin (again).