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Logic and Light Bulbs

Random thoughts and connections I am making about this new process of becoming who I'm meant to be for the one I am patiently waiting for.
11 hours ago. Mon 16 Dec 2019 04:46:37 AM IST

How do I show respect to someone who doesn't demand it?

I was having dinner with Silver, Tammy, and the Professor (from a local group) on Friday. I helped make dinner and we spent the evening laughing and having a great time… The three of us. Tammy was nothing but negativity and insults toward Silver, treating him as though he couldn't do anything right. I asked how I am supposed to know whether or not she is joking. "No one ever does" was the response I got.

Then, Saturday was our playdate. Her 'rule' is that she has to be there during play. I had waited two and a half weeks for this, so I was fine with that. I was very excited. I had an amazing experience. We went upstairs so I could lay down with Silver, and she came in the room and started talking. I don't remember what was said, but that was my time. Not hers. Leave us alone. Then, after my nap, I was sitting at the table with Silver and she made the comment about him taking so long, she almost came down to help. Excuse me? I do not need your help! You're the reason I'm here… Because you're inadequate. (I am mad at this point.) I am very good at what I do. I do not need some EX WIFE 'helping' me. I know Silver wants us to be friends, but I will not put up with someone disrespecting a man I care so deeply for in front of not only me, but his peer as well. That is NOT okay with me! She's so negative. I will not have that in my life, whether it makes him happy or not. I have my own well-being to think about. He is such a great man, but she is such a buzz kill. Ruined everything! I had such a great experience, and all I can think about is her.

He says they are life partners. To me, that means she is not going anywhere. And now, I am stuck.

5 days ago. Tue 10 Dec 2019 11:39:50 PM IST

The strangest thing happened today. I was eating lunch with Silver and the rule is "No playing until Saturday". FINE! %( (That's my pouty face.) We were laughing and making jokes, and he told me I would help him bathe after we were finished. I gave him a very mischievous grin, and he said, "No lingering".

"Define 'lingering'.

"Spending too much time in one area."

"Define 'too much time'."

He just smiled at me and told me to go do the dishes. I am very obedient, BUT I WILL FIND LOOPHOLES!!!!

After the dishes were done, I was still very giddy and excited about seeing Daddy naked. He got in the shower and I followed him into the bathroom.

He got down on his knees and told me grab the shampoo. I did as I was told and immediately my mood shifted. I was no longer this giddy girl, I was my sir's servant. I massaged the shampoo into his scalp, running my nails through his hair. I had never done this before, nor had I felt this way. He leaned forward to rinse, and I did the same with the conditioner.

He stood up and I grabbed the bar of soap. I lathered up my hands and started with his arms and shoulders, working to his chest and pelvis. I was hesitant to touch. I was afraid that if I did, I would do something I was not supposed to. I worked my way around it, and then had no choice. I took him in my hands and worked in the soap. What an honor it was to be doing this for my sir. I felt such joy and… I can't even describe it. I wish I could find the words, but honored is the only one I can think of.

I moved on to his legs, and he told me it wasn't clean enough. I looked up at him from my knees and the world stopped. This is where I am meant to be. At his feet.

There was no little girl anywhere in that bathroom. It was 100% woman, servant, submissive. I talked to Silver about it afterwards, and he said to try and not dissect this. Just let it be. And I think that is a wonderful idea. In public, I am 100% little, and cute, and fun, and just all around adorable, but get me behind closed doors and I am 100% at your service. What an amazing experience.

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6 days ago. Tue 10 Dec 2019 02:34:37 PM IST

Well, it's happening. I am so head-over-heels for this man they call "Silver", I am unable to think. I think of him and immediately smile. It's as though there's a switch in my brain. I'll call it  my 'Silver Switch'. When this switch is on, I am in my little space, which just happens to be always. This switch makes it impossible to function. I mean, when I'm at work, I'm on autopilot, but I'll catch myself dancing, and look around to make sure no one's looking. There have been times when I've been caught. I just say, "You think that's bad? You should see me when no one's here".

My days are lost. And when I am at home with my children, I connect with them almost instantly. It's like we're on the same level. It is so amazing. It's a whole new world. (My new favorite song and movie!) All the moments I've missed with them because of this stupid PTSD paranoia stuff has disappeared. I've said before that knowledge is power, and here's proof. If no one would have told me about this paranoia and I was left in the dark, I would be so stressed out, I would drive myself crazy. But because I can hit those thoughts head-on, I can stop them and enjoy every moment in the moment, the way life was meant to be enjoyed. And finding my Daddy has helped me so much. He has guided me through this process with love and understanding, not harshness and disappointment. And I love him.

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1 week ago. Fri 06 Dec 2019 10:48:12 PM IST

I was looking through some old messages today, and someone was talking to me about being poly and couldn't understand how I could be with someone who was with someone else, too. I thought about that for a moment, and then I realized that, if I can't make someone 100% happy, why should I keep them from finding what I lack from someone else? Why would I make someone suffer and settle for 80% of what they want and not be able to get the most out of life? I should be confident enough with who I am and what I bring to the table to say "If this isn't enough, go find what else you need. I'll be right beside you, encouraging you every step of the way. I long for your happiness." That's where compersion comes in. Seeing my someone happy is all I want. And, hopefully, the same goes for them.

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1 week ago. Fri 06 Dec 2019 12:33:12 AM IST

Well, I must say, I have one hell of a patient Sir. After yesterday's fiasco and my misinterpreting everything to the point of making myself doubt everything I had come to know, he is still by my side, holding my hand, and leading me through the meadow one step at a time. I must still face the consequences of my actions, like having a public label removed (which, surprisingly, is a much bigger deal than I realized).

I have also realized how important I am to Silver. I had lunch with him today, and saw the hurt and pain in his eyes. I also saw how big his love is for me. He was willing to let me go and chase my wants instead of fighting with me and forcing me to see my needs. He allowed me to come to those conclusions and have those light bulb moments on my own even when it meant he was being hurt in the process. To me, in my eyes, and in my heart, that is a true Daddy. I have been hesitant to call him that because it is such a big deal, but the more I realize truth, the easier it becomes.

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1 week ago. Wed 04 Dec 2019 03:54:46 PM IST

While I am someone who needs an illuminated light bulb, sometimes the cost of the illumination is almost more than I can afford to spend. Thankfully, I have someone who understands my overreactions, will give me the extra if I run out, and will stick with me until my dreadful attitude has passed.

Like today. I have found out Silver truly does have my best interest at heart. And the root of today's issue was jealousy. In our contract, it says that we will have no new partners through an allotted time frame, which was fine for me, as I had a few, and that was enough. Circumstances have changed, and my options are no longer available, so I am now left with Silver alone. He, on the other hand, has his ex-wife (which has suddenly become more interested in him due to my presence, which is great for Silver), as well as the other options he has played with before. He has been in the lifestyle for 6 years. Me, 4 months. And with him being so busy and unavailable for play in the next few weeks, I found it "unfair" that I was limited.

I spoke out to him about this. His responses got me upset because I truly am a woman (I hate admitting I think like them) and I read into what he was telling me, making assumptions and the whole nine yards. (Mind you, this was all through text messaging, so tone of voice and body language was not seen or heard.)

He said something about knowing what is best for me at this particular moment in time and that my chasing what I think I need is not appropriate right now. I thought about my situation. I'm an idiot! Plain and simple. That restriction was put on me (us) for a reason. Because of the things that are going on in my life, I do not need new partners to play with. New people coming and going. Besides, it's three months. What is three months compared to a lifetime?

I am so fortunate to have found a Dom who can see right through my attitude to the heart of the matter and what is truly bothering me, and support me through it until I have reached a viable conclusion.

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1 week ago. Wed 04 Dec 2019 01:26:00 PM IST

It must be a common thing for Doms to expect their subs to be monogamous. Quite frankly, I think that's ridiculous. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If the Dom can play with others, the sub should be able to, as well. Just my random thoughts for now.

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1 week ago. Tue 03 Dec 2019 01:20:10 PM IST

I am needing some validation.

My ex-husband got me riled up again last night. I was stuck in my head, crying and just not being me. I was talking to Silver and we were discussing things and how some stuff needed to change. He then said that if he notices I am focusing too much on him, he would break things off. I understand that completely. He has always told me family and myself, work, and then him, in that order. And I love that. But with me being in the state of mind that I was in, why would he bring up breaking things off? I was already doubting everything I was. Now I add this the list? On top of that, I heard his ex-wife cough in the background. I understand he wants a poly relationship, but 1) That was a very private moment and 2) I'm still new to this whole thing. It seems to me she has more control than he realizes. It just happened last night and I haven't had a chance to let him know my thoughts, but I am wanting to know if my thoughts are even logical. There are so many good and positive things Silver has done for me. And he's doing a wonderful job guiding me through things, but how do I get past these feelings? And why would he put that seed of doubt in my mind, because now it will grow.

2 weeks ago. Mon 02 Dec 2019 03:26:48 PM IST

Logic sucks. I am wanting to know the difference between little space, sub space, and safe place. And go!

2 weeks ago. Mon 02 Dec 2019 01:17:06 PM IST

Last night, I had dinner with Silver and casually mentioned how I am in love with Shibari and how I have discovered a way to wear it underneath my daily clothes and while I am at work. He looked at me with his mischievous grin and tells me that, unless I am practicing my knots and what not (ha), I am only allowed to wear my dress for 3 hours a week. 3 HOURS! I looked at him with wide eyes and my mouth dropped. I, then, pouted and threw a little fit. Fortunately, I was not punished for my behavior. I think this '3-hour-rule' crap is punishment enough. Luckily, I have found a loophole. I will be practicing as often as I can. TeeHee (He is very busy and doesn't read my blog very often, so it will be several days until my plan will be foiled.) (I love being bratty.)

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