Random thoughts of a newbie

I have to admit, I’m just about beaten. And not in the good way.   I don’t expect overnight success. I don’t expect an instant connection where it’s destined in the stars for us to be together. That being said, when I DO expect is that I don’t go through vetting someone for a week before they flake out, freak out, or freak me out.

You can’t possibly love me in a week of phone calls and texting. You can’t possibly want to relocate across the country amid the same. You can’t possibly think that you’re going to change my life so profoundly without really knowing who I am. You might know some of me, but you don’t know all of me.

 I am not a fucking project!   I don’t need rescuing, and I don’t need fixing. What I DO need is patience, understanding, love, acceptance, and a fucking right spanking when I don’t behave. 

 What I don’t need is passive aggressive remarks about my past, or talking to me as if I don’t  understand basic communication skills and courtesy. I’m the most courteous of people you’ll ever meet, until you no longer deserve courtesy. 

 I have my issues, both mental, physical, scars however you want to attribute it to where I am today. But I don’t need glue and glitter, I need grit and consistency.   I need someone who can step up and actually be there for me when I need them, and not TELL me what they’re going to do to change my life. Words don’t matter, actions do . 

 Stepping off my soapbox, have a good night!

We all know how hard it is to find the right one, we are here because that’s what we are searching for.

 I have immersed myself in this community and seen some amazing relationships flourish and grow, some crash and burn, and all the in between. 

It is taught me what I am looking for, and what I am not, I have made some mistakes and moved on.

And now my brain is alive with activity! I am alive and searching and reading and observing and it is feeding my soul.  

He is out there, within my grasp, and I am hopeful and wanting and yearning and waiting, and ready when the time is right!

 And He knows!! 

 It’s daunting and challenging and exciting! I search for He who is my true Dominant and hope that I find Him soon! 

 One of the things that I embrace about this dynamic is the etiquette, the formality, the way with which we communicate, the speech used in discussions.   It feeds something in me that I don’t know if I can put into words...but it brings me back to a time where  we followed the dominant person in the household because that’s what we are expected to do.

The other side is the kinkster in me. I have discovered that I am definitely a masochist and very much enjoy pain, findimg it to be erotic and pleasurable, a foreplay if you will.   I know I haven’t even begun to tap into that side of myself . 

My eyes were opened to this side of myself by someone I was dating who had dominant tendencies but clearly as time has unfolded, is not a true dominant. However we did experiment and play and that is where I found I can’t go back to the vanilla world, so that relationship definitely served a purpose.

 When I realize that wasn’t really going anywhere and wasn’t going to sustain me long term, I came here. I will admit it in my haste I did make a few errors in judgment as far as trusting people,  but the quest continues. I’ve definitely learned much more about the dynamic in the lifestyle from those I’ve made friends with here. It’s frustrating because I have found that probably 75% of those I’ve talked to are not serious and I am trying to find the Him.   Also discover the true need to serve in aspects other than just sexual.

In speaking with some of you the last couple days of how potential Doms treat subs, and seeing the posts about red flags etc, if you suspect and/or seen many of these signs what is the appropriate way to excuse yourself from the situation? I was speaking with someone who I now believe is not genuine and had several of the red flags so I told him that I needed some time to figure things out. That was a week ago. He’s not since messaged me so I’m thinking he’s OK with the fact that I haven’t messaged him either.  

 Sorry if this is a little all over the place but I’m just looking for opinions please. 

I don’t know what to do with myself. I have a potential Dom, long distance, not sure he can give me what I need, He’s far away, and not as consistent and accessible as I would like, There are so many things in common and our kinks are similar and I feel a very strong attraction.

Have a real life Dom who again can’t hold the bar up. And I need structure and consistency because that equates caring and nurturing and commitment to me.  I feel that he isn’t strong enough to have control over his own life so how can he control me??

I really don’t know where to go next.....

 Just thought about the obvious other choice..what if I meant to have a Domme?   Holy shit, Not really sure where I should go from here!!

I find myself stuck in my own damned head. Thoughts are flying around in every direction,  it’s hard to reel them in and focus, deal with what they are conjuring up.  It’s what I’ve been feeling the last week or so. Part of me is struggling to find my way, the other part of me wants to stay screw it and go in a different direction.  

The thing is...I don’t know what that direction is. I just know that right now I seem unsteady and faltering and feeling so at a loss as what to do.   No real reason, but have an inherent sadness and fear of something, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. 

 If it’s the change of seasons, maybe it’s boredom... I really don’t know. My kids are good for the most part, my life is pretty good at the moment, yet I just wanna withdraw and hide in my house and never leave.  it’s safe there, and quiet, and it’s peaceful.  

I feel like I’m looking for something but I don’t know what it is, and I’m afraid that I won’t recognize it when I see it. Anyhow, I wish right now I was stuck on a beach in the Caribbean....

I have trust issues, I’ve had them my entire life based on being disappointed, misled and used by people. I’m not a joiner, because I always feel like I don’t quite fit in and I am different from others. It takes time for me to become comfortable speaking with people and interacting,  I feel awkward and uncomfortable until I get to know people.  I’ve always been the type to gauge the situation, observe behaviors and try to assimilate, hopefully going mostly unnoticed. 

Oddly enough it’s the exact opposite of my alpha female personality. I’m a take charge, get shit done, kick ass and take names kind of person on many levels. However, when it comes to my true inner self, the one that’s in my head....that insecure, somewhat frightened, tentative girl is hiding inside.  

Through the process of speaking with some of the wonderful members of this site, I’m realizing what a great support this community is.   Through reading blogs, post on the forum, and speaking with some of the amazing people here, I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with who I am, what I want, and who best can give me what I need.

I’ve made some errors in judgment and mistakes along the way, but I am sorting it out and learning and growing.  Despite my past being messy, I’ve always been an optimist and believe that people are inherently good. I am frequently disappointed but I choose to still believe the best in general because if I am negative and pessimistic, what is the point? 

I watch and I learn, that’s what I do. And I’m beginning to understand the in-depth dynamic for a true D/s relationship. One of mutual respect, love, fun, indulgence and friendship. Those of you that have it I am so happy for you. It is what I strive for !

So I admit that I wasn’t as smart as I thought it was when I joined this community.   Oddly enough it’s not the first time I’ve been wrong, but don’t tell those who know me in real life.

Finding the right person is like finding a needle in a haystack in the vanilla world, never mind here where the odds are even lower.  It seems the cards are stacked against you when many of the ones that approach are not real, true, or serious....or they don’t fully read your profile to understand what it is you’re looking for.

I feel that being new doesn’t make me naïve, it just makes me inexperienced. That said I am not new to life only the BDSM aspect.  I’ve been around long enough to understand people, watch their habits, observe the things that they say versus the things that they do and pay attention to patterns. It is an endless frustration to have someone approach me, have some semblance of a serious conversation and exchange much information, find that we might actually have many things in common outside of the D/s relationship, only to have them bug out after a couple of days.  

I mean WTF? You haven’t earned my trust yet but yet you’re already telling me you want me to be yours.   I can assure you you probably don’t after you act that way and realize how irritated I actually am, my switch side flares up and I no longer feel like being submissive in anyway shape or form. 

My entire life has been spent taking care of those that I care about... even though I am an alpha female, the dominant side gets shit done and protects those I care for.  However, at the end of the day, my nature is to be a nurturer and a submissive.   It’s where I am most comfortable because I get to take a step back, clear my head and let my guard down. 

Apparently that comes across as me being needy enough to submit to anyone who messages me for a couple of days and then feels like they don’t need to communicate, have a conversation or get to know me any further before they start making proclamations of ownership. 

 I think it’s best I just leave this here for now....

Ss

So this blog thing is all new to me but I have been following many of you here and I feel like this is a safe place for my thoughts and value those who take it seriously.  I feel like I've been trapped for most of my life and have finally opened my eyes,,,to myself, others like me, those who have much more experience and knowledge...I've realized that there is much more than my little world.  I'm not gong to ramble on (until I have a reason to) but think that this might be the very thing to balance me a bit.  Write it down, read it, get others opinions....it's about community and learning!