Random thoughts of a newbie

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here, haven’t had a whole lot of time. I bought a business over the summer and I’ve been struggling to get it back on track from where it was.

Spoke with many people on here and I feel like it really is finding a needle in a haystack and it takes a lot of time and effort which I don’t have right now, so I took a step back.

I thought about giving up the idea of this lifestyle, asked myself if I really needed it, the answer is I’m not sure but I think it is yes.

I have someone that I met almost 2 years ago on a wild work crazy weekend, and he wants to pursue something and I suspect he is a dominant who has not yet quite discovered himself.  So we are going to meet again and figure out what our next move was going to be. 

The sex has always been great, as after that one wild night, we met up again a month later. I haven’t seen him in 18 months but here we are still talking. He wants to pursue a relationship, and I think it could be multifaceted, which thrills me.

He is so many of the things that I look for in a man, kind, intelligent, flirty, has that wild streak. I think he could actually be the perfect mate for me. I suppose I have to ride this one out to see where it goes...

I haven’t been around much, being a new business owner has taken it’s toll on me and leaves me with not much time for extracurricular activities.   Add in the holidays and it’s stretching to the limits.  Missing the interaction with many of you and hoping to be able to get back to it soon! I have so much to catch up on it seems!!!

 Apparently the more things change, the more they stay the same. I’ve been contemplating what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking, and what I’m looking for, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m done looking. Instead I’m going to wait for he who is looking for me.  

I’ve always been comfortable enough in my own skin to not need someone else. The want is always there however.

He will know exactly what I mean. Because he’s been waiting for me as well. My brain hurts from overthinking, my heart hurts from over wanting. From here forward and focusing on me and I feel that he will find me when the time is right. 

I have to admit, I’m just about beaten. And not in the good way.   I don’t expect overnight success. I don’t expect an instant connection where it’s destined in the stars for us to be together. That being said, when I DO expect is that I don’t go through vetting someone for a week before they flake out, freak out, or freak me out.

You can’t possibly love me in a week of phone calls and texting. You can’t possibly want to relocate across the country amid the same. You can’t possibly think that you’re going to change my life so profoundly without really knowing who I am. You might know some of me, but you don’t know all of me.

 I am not a fucking project!   I don’t need rescuing, and I don’t need fixing. What I DO need is patience, understanding, love, acceptance, and a fucking right spanking when I don’t behave. 

 What I don’t need is passive aggressive remarks about my past, or talking to me as if I don’t  understand basic communication skills and courtesy. I’m the most courteous of people you’ll ever meet, until you no longer deserve courtesy. 

 I have my issues, both mental, physical, scars however you want to attribute it to where I am today. But I don’t need glue and glitter, I need grit and consistency.   I need someone who can step up and actually be there for me when I need them, and not TELL me what they’re going to do to change my life. Words don’t matter, actions do . 

 Stepping off my soapbox, have a good night!

We all know how hard it is to find the right one, we are here because that’s what we are searching for.

 I have immersed myself in this community and seen some amazing relationships flourish and grow, some crash and burn, and all the in between. 

It is taught me what I am looking for, and what I am not, I have made some mistakes and moved on.

And now my brain is alive with activity! I am alive and searching and reading and observing and it is feeding my soul.  

He is out there, within my grasp, and I am hopeful and wanting and yearning and waiting, and ready when the time is right!

 And He knows!! 

 It’s daunting and challenging and exciting! I search for He who is my true Dominant and hope that I find Him soon! 

 One of the things that I embrace about this dynamic is the etiquette, the formality, the way with which we communicate, the speech used in discussions.   It feeds something in me that I don’t know if I can put into words...but it brings me back to a time where  we followed the dominant person in the household because that’s what we are expected to do.

The other side is the kinkster in me. I have discovered that I am definitely a masochist and very much enjoy pain, findimg it to be erotic and pleasurable, a foreplay if you will.   I know I haven’t even begun to tap into that side of myself . 

My eyes were opened to this side of myself by someone I was dating who had dominant tendencies but clearly as time has unfolded, is not a true dominant. However we did experiment and play and that is where I found I can’t go back to the vanilla world, so that relationship definitely served a purpose.

 When I realize that wasn’t really going anywhere and wasn’t going to sustain me long term, I came here. I will admit it in my haste I did make a few errors in judgment as far as trusting people,  but the quest continues. I’ve definitely learned much more about the dynamic in the lifestyle from those I’ve made friends with here. It’s frustrating because I have found that probably 75% of those I’ve talked to are not serious and I am trying to find the Him.   Also discover the true need to serve in aspects other than just sexual.

In speaking with some of you the last couple days of how potential Doms treat subs, and seeing the posts about red flags etc, if you suspect and/or seen many of these signs what is the appropriate way to excuse yourself from the situation? I was speaking with someone who I now believe is not genuine and had several of the red flags so I told him that I needed some time to figure things out. That was a week ago. He’s not since messaged me so I’m thinking he’s OK with the fact that I haven’t messaged him either.  

 Sorry if this is a little all over the place but I’m just looking for opinions please. 

I don’t know what to do with myself. I have a potential Dom, long distance, not sure he can give me what I need, He’s far away, and not as consistent and accessible as I would like, There are so many things in common and our kinks are similar and I feel a very strong attraction.

Have a real life Dom who again can’t hold the bar up. And I need structure and consistency because that equates caring and nurturing and commitment to me.  I feel that he isn’t strong enough to have control over his own life so how can he control me??

I really don’t know where to go next.....

 Just thought about the obvious other choice..what if I meant to have a Domme?   Holy shit, Not really sure where I should go from here!!

I find myself stuck in my own damned head. Thoughts are flying around in every direction,  it’s hard to reel them in and focus, deal with what they are conjuring up.  It’s what I’ve been feeling the last week or so. Part of me is struggling to find my way, the other part of me wants to stay screw it and go in a different direction.  

The thing is...I don’t know what that direction is. I just know that right now I seem unsteady and faltering and feeling so at a loss as what to do.   No real reason, but have an inherent sadness and fear of something, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is. 

 If it’s the change of seasons, maybe it’s boredom... I really don’t know. My kids are good for the most part, my life is pretty good at the moment, yet I just wanna withdraw and hide in my house and never leave.  it’s safe there, and quiet, and it’s peaceful.  

I feel like I’m looking for something but I don’t know what it is, and I’m afraid that I won’t recognize it when I see it. Anyhow, I wish right now I was stuck on a beach in the Caribbean....

I have trust issues, I’ve had them my entire life based on being disappointed, misled and used by people. I’m not a joiner, because I always feel like I don’t quite fit in and I am different from others. It takes time for me to become comfortable speaking with people and interacting,  I feel awkward and uncomfortable until I get to know people.  I’ve always been the type to gauge the situation, observe behaviors and try to assimilate, hopefully going mostly unnoticed. 

Oddly enough it’s the exact opposite of my alpha female personality. I’m a take charge, get shit done, kick ass and take names kind of person on many levels. However, when it comes to my true inner self, the one that’s in my head....that insecure, somewhat frightened, tentative girl is hiding inside.  

Through the process of speaking with some of the wonderful members of this site, I’m realizing what a great support this community is.   Through reading blogs, post on the forum, and speaking with some of the amazing people here, I’m slowly becoming more comfortable with who I am, what I want, and who best can give me what I need.

I’ve made some errors in judgment and mistakes along the way, but I am sorting it out and learning and growing.  Despite my past being messy, I’ve always been an optimist and believe that people are inherently good. I am frequently disappointed but I choose to still believe the best in general because if I am negative and pessimistic, what is the point?