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Drago and Amethyst

The journey of a man learning to grow as healthy within a BDSM lifestyle. His trials, his failures, his victories, his pains, his joys. With his partner whom he loves very much.
1 day ago. Mar 4, 2021, 12:23 AM

Tolerance/Violence in BDSM



I would like us to go down a journey together. Let us be mindful of how our body responds as we read. The exercise will be revealing, I have no doubt.


Scene 1:


At a private play party, 15 close friends are gathered together to enjoy a special evening. All of them have been waiting for this with eager anticipation. A very unique scene has been planned for the end of the evening, with ALL present playing a role. As the time drew near, people became hushed, somber and focused. Out of the blue, a submissive was grabbed by 3 men. As she wrestled, screamed, kicked, writhed about, each man laughed and appeared to be intoxicated. Several ‘onlookers’ played their roles as directed. Some turned their backs to the commotion, pretending not to notice. Some whispered amongst themselves with mock disgust on their faces. Some pointed and jeered, laughed, poked fun of the dilemma unfolding before them. The three men took turns shoving their penis into every hole of the submissive while she became catatonic and finally gave up her fight. Mercifully, the scene ended. The three men suddenly disappeared, and the submissive was left in a heap on the floor. Everyone present picked the submissive up and laid her gently on a couch. Someone grabbed a cloth from a warm water basin and began wiping the submissive from head to toe. Another person began singing a specific lullaby. Someone else reached for the submissive's hair and began to brush it. Another simply knelt next to the couch and held her hand. Someone began dressing her. Another helped. Someone sat her up and held her. Someone dried her tears. Someone brought a glass of water. Another brought peanut butter crackers. All stayed very close by and waited on the submissive. The three men slowly came back into the group. The submissive yelled at them, derided them, accused them, cried at them while they stood there in total silence. The three men were stripped naked by everyone in the room. A flogger was handed to the submissive while the group restrained each man by hand. The submissive began flogging each of them. Tears flowed down many cheeks, none more than the submissive who was attacked. When the submissive was exhausted, when no more tears came, when she had enough of flogging, she slumped to the floor. No one helped her. They all just stood around her, with love, peace and encouragement in their hearts and eyes. The evening ended with a promise from all to meet again soon.



Scene 2:


An adult puppy by role was walking on all fours, playing like dogs do. Sniffing, scratching, biting many whom the puppy knew. The puppy liked to play. Liked to see so many scratch behind its ears. Loved to be petted. A very rare few got to stroke the puppy’s belly. The puppy was excitable and peed on the floor. The puppy’s handler scolded the puppy loudly and began to rub its nose in the liquid and chide the dog for not asking to go outside. The puppy, sad, hurt and scared now hid in a corner afraid to move. The puppy only wanted to be friends with everyone. It was so excited! What is wrong with being excited the puppy wondered? Many that were present and saw the puppy scolded left immediately afterwards. The puppy felt very alone.


Scene 3:


A submissive of ethnic heritage was playing in a scene where the all white top was using many and repeated racial slurs. The dungeon monitor watched closely at the crowd and the scene to make sure all were safe. The submissive began to sob as the top brought a single tail whip across her buttocks with more verbal assault. Repeatedly the top would assail the submissive verbally, then physically. The submissive began to check out. She entered sub space and the words no longer hurt. Her sobbing ceased, replaced by stillness. The top continued, over and over the verbal onslaught increased. The submissive ended the scene with a raise of her finger. The top removed the submissive's restraints, and they both walked over to an air mattress in the corner where a blanket and snacks were waiting.



Scene 4:



A female bottom negotiated pick up play at a local dungeon with a male top she had played with previously on many occasions. The dungeon monitor dressed in an orange safety vest to indicate they were watching the scene closely stood between the scene and onlookers.

As the bottom was hand cuffed bent over a horse, the top began slapping the bottom. SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! Louder and louder the slaps were heard. He was increasing in intensity until suddenly he closed his fist and punched her on the shoulder blade. Then he punched her on the buttocks. Then he punched her on the arm. Then he punched her on her side. Punch after punch after punch. Each punch took wind out of the bottom. She would sigh or wince each time. At one point she screamed. The dungeon monitor stood static as they watched on.


Scene 5:


A cross-dressing male was led by a leash onto a St. Andrews cross by his handler. She was dressed in stiletto heals and a topless corset to match his own. Once on the cross, the handler proceeded to place a CBT device on the male and squeeze, punch, bite his balls. She flogged his genitals. Kicked his genitals. Punched his genitals. This cross-dresser was made to thank his handler after every touch to his genitals. The scene lasted maybe half an hour after which removal from the cross and walking away to after care was a very gingerly walk.



How did your body respond while reading each of the scenes?


Did you tense up?

Did anger rise up in you?
Were you afraid at any point?

Did you feel anxious?

Did you feel disgust?

Did you have this overwhelming sense of, “OH HELL NO!!!!”

Did your fight-or-flight response become active?

Did you judge any aspect of the scenes as they were described?





Scenes are meant to evoke an emotional response from the players. Not all, in fact not many are meant to evoke a response from the onlookers (voyeurs, exhibitionists are some exceptions).

Every dungeon or private play party I have ever been a part of or known reads the rules prior to any play taking place for the evening. Part of those rules go something like this, “You WILL see something here in scene you will not like. Do NOT stop the scene. Each scene is negotiated and given permission or denied by the attending dungeon monitor and staff. If you do not like what you see, it is YOUR responsibility to walk away. It is YOUR trigger. Be mindful of what will affect you.”


So often people say or do things that get under our skin. Press our buttons. Trigger us into this fight-or-flight mode. Why is it we allow other people’s expression have any control over us? Why do we react instead of respond to these scenarios? When these buttons are pressed within us over how another person chooses to live their life or express themselves the way we view their expression and the resulting reaction/response speaks of our lack of tolerance and how we view an “attack” from an outside source as a personal thing when it is simply them being them. Another persons’ choice of behavior or actions in their life are not violence towards you that need defended against unless they are an outright deliberate choice to assault you. Assault as defined by the law is: An assault is the act of inflicting physical harm or unwanted physical contact upon a person or, in some specific legal definitions, a threat or attempt to commit such an action.


In other words, people being themselves is NOT an assault on you. Why do we take it as such? Because it triggers us. Which is NOT the other persons’ doing. It is ours.


Each of the scenarios above I have personally witnessed or been a part of. Each of them were negotiated and consented in full for all parties. In each of them several people commented afterwards how uncomfortable and difficult it was to witness the scene. Some people walked away because they were triggered. Scared. Mortified. Hurt. Whatever. They are allowed to feel how they do, no doubt. They do not get to respond negatively with intolerance because they had a trigger. We each get to learn more patience. More grace. More understanding. More tolerance. Including how we respond to those who press our buttons. Because that shows who we are. If we lash out in violence, anger, hatred, venom, or the like, we are allowed....that is true....but it also shows our weakness or where we are perpetuating a cycle of intolerance or tit-for-tat between others. We are handing over our control to those who we would NEVER hand control over to......others whom we do not even know or trust.


Your-Kink-Is-Not-My-Kink-But-Your-Kink-Is-OK is more than just an acronym. It is a willing choice to decide how we will deal with one another in this community. More over, it is a reflection of a heart that is willing to allow another person to be themselves. Even if we disagree or do not like how they show up. It is a way of saying, “I will not be violent and allow my insecurities or my triggers lash out at you. I will own what is mine and work to heal it while validating your right to choose what works for you in your life.” It is more than just a simple statement. It is a belief system. A shift of mindset. A matter of tolerance or the lack thereof.
Too many have suffered under the indignation of being judged for their expression simply because their expression was different from others. Unique. Special. We do not get the right to lash out in our pain simply because we have it. We are responsible for our actions. I will not even mention the political and societal spaces that this ideal affects in our everyday world.


We ALL get the opportunity to allow this mantra to make us better.




Tolerance or violence? The choice of how we respond is in our hands. No matter how difficult it may be.......we deserve to grow here.........and the world needs it as well.



May you all continue to find the joy and peace that you seek.








Drago and Amethyst



2 days ago. Mar 3, 2021, 1:05 AM

All That Glitters Is Not Gold




I read, hear, see quite often in the community of many that are new on the right side of the slash desiring an experienced dominant. 


Interestingly, I've never seen the opposite. A newer dominant seeking an experienced submissive. I wonder why not? 


I suppose ego is the easiest answer there. Many new Dominants have not discovered their purpose yet. Have not understood their focus. Do not recognize their own power or capabilities. Their egos cannot necessarily take an experienced submissive encouraging them to grow in these areas. 


I wonder if there are other reasons though? 


Conversely, I am not entirely sure I could state with any certainty a time I saw a new submissive respond similarly. Maybe it is the way many feel a dynamic is imbalanced all in favor of the dominant leading, teaching, nurturing, guiding, encouraging, supporting? I am not sure. 


Another interesting thought that has crossed my brain is, what is the appeal for an experienced dominant to take on a new submissive? 


Is it vanity? Ego again raising it's head to puff up the knowledge or capabilities of the dominant?

The idea of being able to train or "raise" a newer submissive into a moldable, pliable submissive. Training them "fresh" without prior ways they have done submission getting in the way of how the prospective dominant wants them to follow? Not that there is anything wrong with this idea if that is what all in the dynamic are looking for.

A new submissive wants SO badly to follow and be given clear concise direction. It often calls to the dominance within Dominants that desire that "service".  Nothing wrong here. Many find a viable lasting dynamic from this beginning. 


I know I have been guilty of the last. Believing that a submissive wanted to follow when really all they wanted was the escape and the fantasy. Not the real thing. Time proved that, for ME. 


I suppose the draw is different for everyone. New, seasoned, fresh, wise; with each new partner the rules change and the experience is unique. In that sense we are all new. 


When it comes to experience though, how one knows to orchestrate the body. How one knows to silence the mind. How one knows to focus on their purpose. How one knows to serve themselves to bring honest service to the dynamic. Those things hold value. Importance. You would not trust your child to another child to raise them healthily. You would not trust a 1st year med student with an open heart surgery. There is a lot of value in intuition, honesty, integrity, character, desire. But are those enough to trust your soul to? Not a judgement. An honest question. There is no wrong answer. For some yes. For others no. To each their own. 


For newer submissives. What do you have to offer an experienced dominant that knows what their specific needs are?

Anyone can kneel.

Anyone can obey.

Anyone can learn to trust if they want to bad enough.

What can you offer besides submission? I am not talking financial. Any dominant worth their salt will not care one iota about what you have. They have their own. They take care of themselves and would not have it any other way. I am asking what do you have to give that is unique? Not every dominant will find what you have to offer unique or special. Then again, you are not for every dominant. You only want your one. Rightly so. No different for Dominants. Especially experienced dominants. They know what they do and do not want. They have tried a multitude  of things along their journey believing they understood in those moments what they wanted. They pursued those things and found value for those spaces and yet ultimately ended up not discovering what they truly needed. Are you it? 


Maybe that is the point. Maybe it is less about what you have to offer and more about what the dominant sees in you that they need. Even if you do not see it yourself. My experience of secure, prosperous, healthy Dominants in this lifestyle that value connectivity leads me to believe it has zero to do with what you have. Not even how you look. Or the service you can provide. It is about the heart behind your service. Can you surrender to your submission? Not what you can do. But who you are at your core. 


When I met Amethyst she had about the equivalent of one months worth of experience. She was plugged into many groups. Learning from all kinds of directions. Doing her own soul searching into who she was and why this lifestyle called to her. When I entered her world she could not answer why she wanted to be a submissive. The question actually frightened her, because the answer escaped her. She was afraid if she did not answer correctly she would not truly be submissive.

The thing that drew me to her was not what her potential was. Or that I saw how she could kneel. Or what I dreamt of her doing for me. Or how I could train her just right (if you knew her you would understand just how laughable that idea really is!). I saw how she showed up consistently. I saw her value system. How her actions aligned with her words. I saw how she admitted her shortcomings and was working on them for herself without being asked. I saw her desire to be lead with a secure hand (though she would not necessarily see all of this). I saw a need for a man in her life that for once held a safe space for her. Those things were good. Nice. Important. Because I got to witness within myself the protective desire to be that man. However, it was not and in my lens should not be only about what I could see she needed. Or even about what she felt, believed, knew she needed and wanted. It was every bit as much about what I saw I needed from her. Again, not what she could do, but who she was. I saw she was a person of character that would hold me accountable.....something I need and value. Over time I came to trust she was a person of integrity that would not quit when things got difficult. Something I too needed. I came to learn she was someone who would see past my fears, past my mechanisms and would still see value in me though all of those things were present. Dominants are not immune to needing to feel safe.

What she had to offer was unique. Rare. And resonated with me because you do not see many people nowadays that have the capacity to be authentic. Truly honest even if it makes them look bad. Transparent about everything even when it is scary. Vulnerable even though it is uncomfortable. Because to ME, that is surrender.

I saw it from the very beginning and still see it. In fact I uncover more of it daily. She struggles to feel as if she is submissive. Because she does not see her desire to "do" all the things other submissives "do". So she judges herself as unworthy. Submission comes in every shape, color, flavor, size, smell, gender, affiliation, belief imaginable. I dare say, submission can be easy if all it is about is following rules. Laying down your pride to love another as much as you love yourself? That is rare. And is at the heart of many who desire connective submission. 


If you are a newer submissive I will ask again, what do you have to offer that is unique? 


Anyone can give head.

Anyone can kneel.

Anyone can be used sexually.

Anyone can obey. 


Can you truly surrender though? Do you know how to do so for YOU first and foremost? 


In my limited journey I have witnessed experienced dominants seeking for this very thing. The willingness of a submissive to give of themselves authentically. With trust built, naturally and without hesitation no matter what is asked of you. 


I will leave you with a small story. 


The Master whose house I trained in had a slave that is one of the reasons I was drawn to this lifestyle.

She emulated trust of her Master so devotedly that a blind man could see it. There were times I saw my Master ask her to do impossible and implausible things. Like being asked to assume the position for a whipping from a novice handler he was training. Don't get your panties in a bunch, she never had to endure such, that was not the point of the exercise. The point was she did not hesitate. If he asked it of her, by God she was going to do it. She trusted, believed and served him. She knew he would protect her and lead her safely even if she could not understand or see it herself. She KNEW it. Because she surrendered to her own submission. She KNEW there was no peace for her unless she did so. Not because he gave her that peace. Because he couldn't. But because she learned that to live her most authentic life, true to what she needed meant to let go and trust. She would otherwise never be content with herself. How she learned this, when she discovered this within herself I do not know. I did not say it was easy. Nor did I say that she always did as was expected of her. Nor did I say she didn't disagree out loud with her Master at times. She was human after all. I said she surrendered. And that is not a state of being, that is a conscious choice daily. Sometimes moment by moment. 


So again I ask you newer submissives, what do you have to offer that is unique? Because many of those experienced dominants you are looking for have been through hell and back searching for that unique and rare quality of surrender. If you have it to offer for yourself, maybe just maybe then the universe will bring you the dominant that resonates with your heart. Until then, what is brought to you will continue to teach you to reach into the depths of your core to discover what it is that truly brings you contentment. 


From an experienced dominant (me) that has learned the hard way. All that glitters is not gold.



I hope you find your purpose is meaningful, valuable and important to the collective. We need you.






Drago and Amethyst

3 days ago. Mar 2, 2021, 4:55 PM

Muscle Training



I write often about self-improvement and self-discovery. Never really purely about kink or what many would consider “pure BDSM”. Consciousness is a part of my personal journey and awareness, including within the lifestyle, I can only write from where I have been or am currently walking.

There are several reasons for this.

Firstly, as I just expressed, it is what I know.

Secondly, I have discovered putting boundaries around the amount of transparency I extend to ‘everyone’. Not everyone has earned the right to know me in such intimate detail.

Thirdly, I have always considered my life exactly that....mine. Not for you. I am a private person by nature. I have no desire to be an exhibitionist (though I have engaged in such in the past to see whether that resonated or not).


In that vein, it begs the question.........

Why blog at all????


The answer to that, as I see it, takes several shapes.


Because I am an EXTREME introvert. But I am self-aware enough to know that I need others and others need me. We all learn from one another. I know for a fact I would not be the person I am without every single person that has ever crossed my path. I have learned from everyone. Some good, some bad. All lessons learned, though.

Most prevalent in my lens is because it allows me to process. I used to have this desire or need for validation and acceptance. Approval and understanding. A long time ago when I struggled with what I believed and who I was. Now, I am wise enough to know that the lens of others does not define my journey. They enhance it at times, no doubt. Only as it resonates with me, though. That is determined by me, however. Unless I processed and just put words to paper, I would not gain the clarity that I receive often just from the simple act of doing so. Getting things out of my heart and head and giving them a voice to see the light of day is often very enlightening.

I believe it is important to exercise. What do I mean by that? When we want to become stronger in some form for our bodies, we begin a regimen of exercise that will promote growth and enrichment to produce results that create that strength. Exercising the vulnerability muscle is no different. Exercising the muscle of communication is no different. Exercising the muscle of openness is no different. You hear of comics who spend years honing their craft. Learning how to deliver a punch line. Spending nights in front of tiny crowds discovering what material works and what does not. In some respects, my blog is no different for me. Not because I am trying to make everyone laugh (though that is not a bad thing at all either!), rather, in exercising my muscles I become stronger in how to communicate successfully not just making noise. In exercising my vulnerability, I discover how to healthily voice myself without the weight of my fears to drag me down. Let's face it, when we courageously step into our fears we begin to take back our power to shape our lives as we choose rather than how our reactions would have us do for self-protection that invariably builds walls to hide us.

I also believe that in order to fulfill my purpose as a dominant, I need to give back to my community. To reach into my collective and offer who I am. Honestly, that is all I have that is of any true value. I will not be remembered for how I flogged. The ties I know. The kinks I like. The people I know. But I will be remembered for how I cared. How I invested in others. For the ways in which I touched another's’ life. Small or large. Bad or good. Healthy or poor. I will be remembered for how I loved. That means everything to me. Not as a goal or something to be achieved. Rather, an honest life lived. Because I also believe that must be something that is authentic to who you are. Your heart. Your very essence and being. Not a contrivance, but an honesty. My purpose on this earth is to teach. To model. To set the standard. To be an example. In the BDSM lifestyle it is to show others it is OK to be human. To get it wrong. To laugh at yourself. To be vulnerable. To have character. To own integrity. To desire tolerance and understanding in ALL things. To be willing to ebb and flow with your surroundings while maintaining healthy boundaries so others can learn from the example if they choose.


That is NOT out of arrogance or pride. I have little to no ego in such matters. It does not serve me to have any. I have no compulsion to be puffed up with “likes”, “loves”, “pleasantries”, “affirmations”, et cetera. I know full well that for every person that finds a small value in my expression just as many find drivel. That is good. Even. Balance. I do not make myself important to anyone else. I am important to myself. That is enough. I rarely, if ever, know how my words or actions modeled affect someone’s journey. I am grateful for that. It keeps me humble. Indeed, I do not need to know. It is not for me to know. It is for them. Whether ‘positive or negative’ (though I personally do not believe in such things) how we are moved and touched by others affects our lens, or can even shift our journey, but that is still in our control, not in anyone else’s.


I speak of my journey. My shortcomings, my victories, my weaknesses, my strengths not as a matter of something others should discover and learn, but as a matter of truth and honesty for ME. Should that resonate with you, on any level, you get to decide what if anything you do with such. Mine is just to show up as myself.

Honestly, that is enough. In a world consumed with cookie-cutter-highlight-reel life on social media that invariably is not the total honesty I would rather show my humanity in full. As much as I know how. As awkwardly as that comes out sometimes. I am exercising my muscles and gaining strength in the process. For ME.
Maybe, just maybe, others get the opportunity to give themselves permission to show up authentically too, to exercise their authenticity muscles. Doing so seems to be a dying art nowadays.

It is OK to be scared to do so. It is OK to not know how. It is OK to get it wrong. It is OK to endure being laughed at instead of with. We all do not know what we do not know until we know it. I encourage you to find the strength today to seize your truth, live it. Because for damn sure no one else but you can.






Drago and Amethyst


3 days ago. Mar 2, 2021, 1:10 AM

Imperfect Mirror




It takes a stronger than usual partner to be with me.

I do not express that in a pitiful way. Nor do I intend to garner some sort of false ego boost here. In fact, I do not express that to say that I even see or understand all of why ALL of my partners have reflected that to me.


Some have expressed it as a way to say I am difficult.


Some have expressed it as a way to say I demand too much.


Some have expressed it as a way of throwing up their hands in frustration.


I can tell you only that I know my heart. My intent. My purposes. I NEVER desire to cause anyone intentional harm. Frustration. Hurt. Distress. Consternation. Anxiety. I am wired to be the mirror. Always the mirror. I have written on this before. Since it seems to be a space I am walking through of late once again I will impart what I have been growing through here.


A challenge; take a few moments and go stand in front of your mirror. What do you see? Go ahead.......this writing will be here when you get back. (cue jeopardy final puzzle music).


I would imagine that most of you, if not all of you, saw yourself. But did you really see honestly? Or did you notice all the flaws? The wrinkles. The moles. The zits. The bags under the eyes. The weary-war-torn-anxiety-filled eyes of loneliness. Those may be a PART of what is there. Sure. But that is not the whole story, is it? There are laughter lines from years of friendships. There may be stretch marks from having beautiful children. There may be scars from that time you fell off a 4 wheeler in the woods.


My point?


There is ALWAYS more than what our lens sees. The mirror is only a reflection of what WE see. We can only see what our eyes look at/for.


What happens when we include a partner in our lives that sees us? Their lens is wholly unique. They see what we call “the good AND the bad”. That is NOT the lens our partners use. They simply see US. We are neither good nor bad in their eyes. We are imperfectly perfect. They do not see scars, damage, turmoil, weary-worn-down-worries. They see us. They see all of us and love us BECAUSE of our “bad” we see.




Because they see the way we face it. How we show up every day and are still kind to a world that has oft times been so cruel. They marvel at our care. Our patience with others. Our willingness to be courageous and grit our teeth to accomplish all that is set before us to the best of our ability. They see balance. Light AND dark. They see beauty and chaos. They see the rose and the thorns. We could not be ourselves without it ALL. They embrace it all (or, well, should).


We do not.


The exercise of the mirror proves we only see the critical pieces. Not always, no. Too often, though.
A space we get to walk through, no doubt. It is important that we have these tough inner dialogs. Spaces where we get to discover the honesty of self love and not the lies others have told us we should believe of ourselves.



When your partner is the mirror? How tired do you get of looking at yourself? Especially when all you see is damage? You are being given the opportunity to see yourself in an honest way. Balanced way. But that does not ever come easily. In fact, I can attest to the fact that many run from it. Many do not want to see it. Many would rather live with their self image that is dishonest than face the truth that they could stand to learn some much needed self love that brings equanimity in our lenses. Because it is so very difficult to shift our lens from what we have been told most of our lives from nearly every person.


Which brings me back to full circle.
It takes a stronger than usual partner to be with me.
I reflect ALL of my partner. Because I care. Because I believe that seeing the whole truth is better than half the truth. NOT because I ever intend to show or speak this “truth” as I see it. I do not plan to. It never comes up for me as a necessity. In honesty, much of the time I do not desire to be the is a very lonely place to be. It requires honesty, truthfulness, transparency, openness, vulnerability, tact, grace, compassion, deep care, honest intentions, devoted love to that which most others find such energy exhausting...........themselves. Most people cannot hear it. Most do not want to see it. Most struggle to believe it. Few have the strength to accept it. Fewer still that will trust it.


I have witnessed countless of times how my reflecting the truth creates chaos in another’ heart and mind. Allow me an example:


A person sees how they fail. How, despite their best efforts, they struggle to succeed in an area. No matter what they attempt, they always fall short of their goal. They have lived their life with this nagging belief that no matter what they do in this area, they will always “fail”.
Enter me.

As the mirror, I show them that there is balance. That yes, they have in the past, struggled with a given area. While that may be honest. It is just as honest that the space comes back up in their sphere for them to learn from. To grow from. That they get to make new decisions and choices today that they have not made in the past. That the reality that they actually see their struggle today as opposed to days gone by when they did not shows progress alone. I reflect to them ways they have grown. Ways they have fought and made ground. Areas they have succeeded in that they do not see.

In MY lens, this is encouragement. It is never received as such.
Because the person who is standing in front of the mirror still only has the lens through which they view themselves. They can still only see what they see. They now only feel as if they are exposed. That someone else is standing there next to them, seeing the same flaws that they see. More than that, they feel as if they are being pointed to. It causes them to feel raw. Vulnerable. Scared. It triggers them. All the wounds from the past of others expressing how they are failures, or not enough, or damaged, or wrong in some fashion become gaping sores again.


Am I wrong?
Should I not express this encouragement?
How do I stop myself from caring? (yes. Sometimes care looks like keeping your mouth shut!! :0)


I am NOT wrong to support someone on their journey. Especially my partner. I am learning the language of how to ask whether someone is in a place to receive encouragement or a differing point of view. Because, I can see how if you are not open to such, it could create pain. Consent is sexy, even in conversations.


For ME, this is my burden as a dominant.

Because I can plainly see ALL sides of a person. Not just the ones’ they have been told to believe exist. It is how I am wired. I am also discovering balancing here for myself. Because it is one thing to be the mirror for someone who is witnessing themselves in that mirror from 6 feet away. It is another thing altogether to have that mirror 2 inches from your face showing you all the things!!!! I have lived my life being the mirror. I have a gift (which I have often felt was a curse) of being able to see all of a person. Especially those whom are closest to me. It is a blessing to feel seen, met, heard for who you truly are. I have never met someone who has not felt that way. Those same people are the ones who have reflected to me, however, how challenging it is to be seen all the time. Sometimes, we as people just do not want someone to see us. We dislike what we see..........we surely do not want someone else to notice. That is a challenge as a dominant......or......for THIS dominant. To find the balance between pushing my partner to be the best version of themselves and allowing them to go at the pace that feels safe for them. Finding that line. Again, something I am being given the opportunity to learn to navigate by simply asking.


Are you open to seeing another perspective?

Are you needing me to sit with you where you are?

What do you desire from me in this space?

Do you have the emotional capacity to hear my lens?

How can I best comfort you here?

Is there a way I can encourage you here that would resonate with you best in this space?


I get to decide then whether the person with whom I am conversing is willing/able/desiring to grow in this space or whether they simply will not/can not/do not desire to. In this way, I honor myself. My boundaries. My capacity to care. My limits. While also honoring my character to teach, lead, encourage others.

I am a person of action. Meaning, if someone sees something within me, I want to see it too. So I can sit with it and discover the honesty within it and learn to integrate that honesty. Because I seek to get to the root of the matter.

This is NOT how most people are. Or, correctly, not how most of the people I have experienced are. Most are layers of an onion type people. They can only process one layer at a time. They need to navigate each layer and integrate so they can move forward with that integration as a piece of awareness. I am wired to take every layer in as much as I can possibly see to get through as many layers as possible at one time. Integration will happen with all the pieces as they do.........over time.
Neither way of walking one's journey is right or wrong. They are simply ways of navigating. Because I am familiar, used to how “I” navigate, I get caught up in the belief that others respond the same way. Not because I believe they should. Simply, it a sad but true fact, it never occurs to me that others do not see things as I do here. A lesson I am learning.


This is but ONE reason I have always sought powerful partners. Well, not always, but mostly (that is another writing altogether). Because only a person strong within themselves could stand to see themselves through my lens. Because only a powerful person would be patient while I navigate learning tact, grace and tolerance for how other people walk their journeys’ in such unique and special ways. Because only a powerful person would accept trying to trust me when their fears scream at them to not listen or be vulnerable.


Make no mistake. Being vulnerable is WAY harder than anyone ever believes it will be. Even if you KNOW that it serves you and supports the best version of yourself, it is still far from easy.



To all of you out there fight those battles over self-discovery, self-awareness, self-love, and all manners of vulnerability, I pray you find the courage today to accept that where you are today is enough. You do not need to be anything other than who you are today. Perfection does not exist. Generally, the ONLY reason we feel we need to strive for perfection is because of a lack of self-love and a people pleasing/co-dependent mindset. I encourage you to release the need to be anything other than the Bea-U-tiful you today.






Drago and Amethyst


6 days ago. Feb 26, 2021, 7:58 PM




She does not see herself. She misses the beauty that is her. I cannot decide if this makes her more attractive because of her innocence or whether it is the humility behind it that draws me even closer. 


She will use words like, "I am a car wreck!" To define her emotional state. Judging her emotional expression because it is foreign to her. We are working on her seeing herself honestly and not through the lens of the past where others have chastised her for being highly sensitive. 


It breaks my heart that ANYONE would have to endure feeling unsafe to show up as they feel.

She has learned from a very young age to silence how she feels. 


"Never show weakness!"

"Buck up and stop that crying right now! "

" You have to take care of yourself!"

" No one likes a crybaby!"

" Why can't you be more like your sister!"



There was a time, very early on in our relationship that Amethyst would not cry. For that matter she refused to show me ANY emotion that was, in her eyes, uncomfortable or negative. She would only agree to show me the "positive" emotions (as if there is such a thing!😛). When she would feel these "other" emotions she would go eerily silent. What was her normal cheery, bouncy, talkative self suddenly disappeared. She would endure listening to me trying to keep the conversation going but would eventually ask to end the phone call. When we were face to face in real life, where she could not hide from my loving gaze she would run. She would lock herself behind the door ashamed of her emotional output and expression. 


This poor traumatized beautiful soul could only see ugliness in her feelings. She feared judgement and cruelty like everyone else always had. She had become accustomed to being who others said she should be, a way to hide. When I came along and asked her to be herself she panicked!!!! 


What does that look like?????

Who do I desire to be?????

Who am I?????? 


And then there is today. 


It has been almost two years since we first began talking and vetting one another. Allow me to show you what doing the hard inner work will gain you. 


This morning I woke up at 4 am. Try as I might my body simply will not rest more than 6 hours when a full moon is present. 

As I laid there in my bed (we sleep in separate rooms) I had decided my little girl was going to be rewarded with a good morning orgasm simply because I love her. I allowed my thoughts to run over how delicious it was going to be to orchestrate her body. 

When my alarm went off at 530 I got up, peed, rinsed my mouth out with mouthwash, put chapstick on my lips and went in to wake my princess.

As I climbed into the bed next to her I told her to roll over on her back for me. 


"Daddy?" Sensing what was coming, "can I have a few minutes to process some feelings that are coming up for me?" 


"Of course little one! Daddy is right here." 


She snuggled into my arms, her head on my chest. Her right leg over my waist. Her right arm over my chest and around me tightly. My left hand holding her shoulder and back while my right hand held her head against my chest. 


Out came the tears. 


Deep pain.





"Daddy? I am scared to be me!" 


More tears. Hard tears. Scared tears. 


I squeeze her tighter.... 


"You are safe here little one. All of you is welcome. I've got you. Nothing can harm you here." 


" I feel guilty Daddy. Guilty for being in this space when you were expecting something different!" 


" Little girl, it is my privilege and honor to be allowed to love you. Quit shoulding on yourself and let me love you here. Thank you for loving yourself enough to express what you needed. Thank you for allowing me to comfort you and hold a space for you here. I know it is not easy for you."



Do you see her growth????????🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯



This woman who used to hide from even the " idea" of uncomfortable feelings reached out to me and asked to be met. Asked to be seen. Asked to be heard.

She gave herself permission to feel whatever was coming up for her. Oh, it still is not easy. It is still uncomfortable. But she is brave!!! Courageous AF!!!!!💪💪💪💪💪 


"Little girl? I could not be more proud of you for expressing what you need in this moment. That brings me so much joy and contentment I cannot even begin to describe how pleased you make me!!!!!" 


She snuggles down deeper into my chest. A few more tears roll down her cheeks. 


"I am exhausted now. Emotionally drained. Do I HAVE to do this work thing today???" 


"Yes little one. It serves you. Get up and kneel for me. Then you will meditate and bring yourself back into your body." 


" Yes Sir." 


As she is kneeling my heart swells with pride. With deep devotion and fierce love. We go through our rituals and she speaks her mantra to me as she does every morning. This morning though, she feels it. It is a part of her. 


A submissive is mindful, attentive, and obedient from her heart.

Being submissive is being feminine,  being vulnerable, being gentle.

I am a submissive.

I am a humble female.

I belong to and serve my Sir. 


I kiss her on the forehead as I kneel before her. Holding her closely I whisper, "Yes you do little one! And very well!" 


She sighs as I grab her hands to help her stand up. We embrace and hold each other.....lost in the moment that is ours.



This woman, she does not see herself. She misses her beauty. I cannot decide if this makes her more attractive because of her innocence or whether it is the humility behind it that draws me closer to her.



BDSM, for US, is more than the kinky fuckery. That is beautiful too. Fun. 

The depth of moments like these are just as powerful a scene as any other moment.

In these moments I feel her submission and she feels my dominance very deeply. Because, in our lens, we are being seen. Met. Heard. Accepted. Validated. We are being held safely and just allowed to be our authentic selves with no judgement of how that should look.



SHE has taught me how to show up vulnerably.

SHE has taught me how to love all of me. Even when I do not feel so loveable.

SHE has been a beacon of light and hope when I am drowning in my own darkness.

She never pushes. 

Never attacks. Is ever gentle. If you knew her you would understand how powerful that truly is. Because this woman is fierce!!! She takes no shit! She handles her business!! She is strong!!!!

Yet, she is able to be delicate. Gentle. Soothing. Calm. Vulnerable. Patient. Kind. Generous. Forgiving. 

She does not see this. She does not see how beautifully feminine she truly is. 


That makes her even more attractive to me. It draws me to her even deeper. 



Little girl, 

I cannot begin to imagine a world without you in it!!!

You bring light, love, hope, grace to ALL around you.

I am blessed beyond measure to be allowed to witness your journey. To be trusted to hold your heart. To be gifted your time, energy and love which are exceedingly precious. Please know it is my greatest desire to lead you to the best version of yourself as graciously as you so effortlessly appear to surrender.

I am amazed by you! Your strength is awe inspiring! 


I love you does not come close to expressing my feelings for you! Guess I will simply have to show you.



May you all find your peace, rest, grace and love from within.






Dragon and Amethyst


1 week ago. Feb 23, 2021, 4:10 AM

Toxic Submission/Dominance




I have heard a lot and have thought myself that being a dominant is, in part, about making sure your submissive does the things you require of them. 

A good dominant, in my opinion, asks things of their submissive that builds them into a better version of themselves.

As a dominant when you run into a submissive who struggles to do a thing requested of you......what do you do?

I mean, the pat answer that many of us think about is the negotiated leading of the dominant and the negotiated following of the submissive. So, the dominant, enforces that which they believe must be done right? 




Yes the answer is that the dominant believes it is what is best. 

Yes the answer is also because the dominant asks.

Yes the answer is because it builds trust. 


What happens when the submissive cannot trust?

What about when they are beset with fear and insecurity?

What about when you ask and discipline and eventually punish because the submissive is not following through?

After all of that then what? 


As a dominant you have not helped increased your submissives trust. If they obey it is only out of aquiescence. Not an honest desire to do the thing requested. Simply obedience. Which has its place no doubt. Sometimes that is necessary for sure. 

What about the next time you ask though?

Or when you ask for something tough that requires a deeper trust from them?

Is it healthy to wrestle from them their fear?

Is it even the dominants responsibility? 


The last can be answered as yes IF that is what was negotiated and consented to within the dynamic.

Otherwise it is a no. Most dominants, I dare say, are not psychologists. We do not have a therapeutic license to help our submissive traverse their insecurities. We can certainly HELP. Again, the big thing here is the dominant needs to be informed. Negotiation and consent needs to be had. 


I have been in three dynamics including the one I am in. This is ONLY my lens given through my experience. Your mileage may vary. 


In none of them have I ever been asked to hold the submissive/slave in my care accountable to doing something they would otherwise refuse or not desire to do. Yet oddly, there seems to be this idea that it is a given.

That as a dominant I should know what is best and push past their boundaries, disregarding their unwillingness. To ME this feels like complete lack of consent. Both on my part and my willingness since we did not negotiate such spaces. As well as it "appears" obvious to me that crossing my partners boundaries without there having been a conversation and accepted direction from that conversation seems and totally feels like non-consent. 




I want my partner to express to me when they are hurting or scared. When they are in pain emotionally I would like to know so I know where they are. So I know how best to show up and support them. Yet, my partner has long had a habit of hiding in their room. Shutting the world away. They do not want to lash out from their pain. Their fear keeps them trapped in this cycle of pushing away everyone. Especially their partner whom is the closest to them.

What should be done when I express I want at least the courtesy of being told they are struggling and they cannot even bring themselves to do such?

What should be done when I can clearly see my partners fear and how it is trapping them in this perpetual cycle of pushing others away when I know that story does not serve them yet they refuse to allow me near them? 


They have not consented to me simply barging in and pushing them gently through that space.

Even though, again perplexingly, they believe I should somehow divine what they need and give it to them regardless of their expressed boundaries and not expressed consent. 


Add to this, I can HELP. Nothing more. It is NOT my duty or responsibility to make anyone walk through their own fears. Indeed, I do not have that power. I can lead you to the water to drink, yes. But I cannot make you go in and get your fill. 


I bring all of this up to point to what I believe is toxic.

Toxic submission if you will. (Do not get your panties in a bunch over the statement, it can go both ways).

I believe many submissives have this idea, some may even have this fantasy, of a dominant coming into their lives and "setting them straight". That kinda sounds hot! Being put in your place. Told no. Told to do this or that. That is all well good and fine when it is negotiated. 

What happens when it is not simply in the bedroom? 

Or around a scene?

Or sex? 


What about when you are asked to step into the uncomfortable and be vulnerable and step into a paralyzing fear?

There cannot be this blanket consent given from a submissive that says, "I am yours do what you wish." 



So I can shave your head if I want?

How about chopping off your arm to suit my sadistic pleasure? 


We ALL have limits.

Emotional limits.

Physical limits.

Mental limits.

Spiritual limits. 


Even the most devout slave who trusts their master will never do something to them that would harm the property has limits. Spaces, places within that they are not prepared to let go of.

Fears especially. 


By the way, this goes both ways!! 


What if the dominant does not want to push you in these spaces?

What if it does not feel comfortable for them?

What if they do not consent?

What if they believe you asking them to push you beyond your fear is unsafe?

What if they do not know how?

What if they fear damaging you because they are not a psychologist? 


Because you can damn well bet they are absolutely allowed to feel the way they do and should never be guilted, ridiculed, chastised or made to feel like they should change their lens. 


Dominants are guilty too of thinking they can come in and begin controlling everything. Like there is no limits or boundaries. I can assure you, there are no limits so it may seem at first, until you discover along the way that there are a TON none of you even thought needed to be discussed. Be adaptable and pliable here. Even the most seasoned dynamics run into limits neither thought were present. 


All of this is meant to express the imperative need to communicate in these spaces. In my lens, around fears or other traumas the conversations will be many. Not just one and done. An abundance of caution should be taken. Because we care about our property. We do not want to harm them. 


It is like negotiating a CNC scene that was a trauma in the past. Typically those kinds of negotiations take months. It is not to be entered into haphazardly or even further damage can be created. 


I hope you all find the spaces today that fill your cup.






Drago and Amethyst

1 week ago. Feb 19, 2021, 11:22 PM

The Waves Of Life



A view point of our journeys:



We are each of us in a small boat upon the ocean. Our truth in our hands is the oar we use to row our boat. We are about a mile from the shoreline......we can see the lighthouse. The wind and waves buffet us, crashing against us with all the struggles and turmoils of life. 

Within those waves are choices and the resulting emotions from those choices. Anyone who has ever tried to navigate a ship on the waters will tell you that sometimes you have to zig and zag to move forward. Running parallel with the shore at times just to hold ground. Choices come and go like the waves. So do emotions. Some are huge. Some are barely a ripple. How we navigate those waves determine how much progress, if any, we make towards the shore. The waves bring with them the past, and the consequences from our choices. The waves can be overwhelming at times. Reminding us of mistakes. Showing us choices today mixed with the emotions from our failures in past circumstances that looked similar. Waves can look very much alike. 


One thing too many of us do is get lost in the waves. We pay too much attention to them. We spend an inordinate amount of time focusing on the waves, on what comes up for us, on the wind and tumult around us of life and forget we are in a boat heading to the shore. We are crashed around and sometimes overcome with the storms of life. We forget to drop anchor and just ride the storm out. We allow the water outside of our vessel to get inside and start weighing us down. We spend hours bailing water simply trying to stay afloat, all because we focus too much on the waves. The bilge will do its job if we would but focus on moving towards the shore.

There is such a thing as the "harbor lights".

Sailors looking for port would know they are close by the lighthouse or the city lights.....but they would know exactly when to turn to head into port when all the harbor lights would create a single line. There would be 5 or 6 lights you could make out that would show you the outline of the port. When you align the boat with the lights and can only see a single light you knew you were safe to travel straight into port.

Many of us have forgotten to look for the harbor lights. We are too focused on the waves. On the next choice. What is right and what is wrong. We forget the waves only carry us....WE steer with our oar. We can get so out of alignment with the harbor lights we forget where we are going. Or worse, we try to tell ourselves we will be ok and can make it without the lights.

We forget that our truth has brought us this far. Oh, we have had to use a compass for sure. When we were lost at see and only had the stars to guide us we kept our watchful eye on the compass to steer us true. The compass is our purpose. Our reason for existence. 

The waves will always come and go. Ebb and flow. Wave after wave after wave. We are never meant to be so enamored or distracted with the waves. We are meant to traverse them. Yes it is difficult work to row against those waves that seek to overcome us. Yes it sometimes requires dropping anchor and holding firm onto what we know is our course. But our journey to the for our weary arms. Peace to our sea legs. Calm from the battle of the waves is noble and just. Worthy and necessary. 


We do not travel these waters alone. Many will come by in their own vessels. We will share tales of our own journey and how we have found ways to traverse the waves. We may even share a spot on the water next to one another, anchored in the same location for a while sharing each other's company before we each head out on our journey once again. Maybe we will hitch onto another's vessel and share the same path through the waters. Maybe we will watch others and try to do as they do when it seems they are successful in navigating the waves. Whatever it is we decide we still hold onto our vessel and our oar. We can never abandon them. For our compass speaks to us of our journey.....not another's. While we may share the same waters with a similar anchor the way the waves crash against us is unique and must be faced by us alone. Regardless of whether the same wave crashed against those near us. We each have our own experiences with the choices and consequences of the waves......that is the result of our journey. None is like ours. We get to own that. We get to be empowered by that truth. It is what keeps our oar moving. When we rest our oar because we believe we can allow another to navigate the waves of our choices and emotions we only end up adrift. Our vessel doesn't move towards the shore, rather it moves further out to sea. All the hard fought ground we have gained we must work towards reclaiming once again. This time, with more experience, yes. But also with more weary arms for having to row even further. 


Seek the harbor lights. 

Find what is in alignment for YOU.

Navigate your waves with your truth.

Let nothing dissuade you.


There need not be any guilt for the way you travel your journey. Only you know your oar. Only you know your compass. Only you know the capabilities of your vessel. No one else's estimation, opinion, truth or otherwise will EVER help you put in the hard work of rowing. We all have that work to do. How we each do it is up to us. 


Use your anchor as you must.

Watch for the lighthouse and the warning of rocky shores it brings. 


Lift your eyes from the waves and follow your truth. It is your guide to navigating your vessel. 

You cannot control the waves!!


You are never meant to. 


Do your best.....

The rest is up to the tides.




May you find your compass and hold onto your truth today as you navigate the waters of life.






Drago and Amethyst



2 weeks ago. Feb 18, 2021, 5:29 AM

Emotional Maturity




I would dare say life in general takes a depth of emotional maturity.

BDSM, as I walk it anyways, requires even more so. 


The scene of BDSM has so many diverse peoples, beliefs, roles, kinks, limits, desires that on a daily interaction in the community with any successful connectivity necessitates a healthy amount of emotional maturity. 


Signs of emotional maturity: 


When someone believes something you do not and you embrace their uniqueness rather than seeing their thoughts as "different" or "abhorrent".

When you do not feel "attacked" because someone attempts to control/manipulate you into drama simply for a personal point of view. Rather, you can sit calmly with no desire or need to "defend" what you believe. If what you believe can be shifted by someone else's lens it is not them who has an issue. The issue is, why do you not trust your own belief enough to not feel attacked? 


Someone enjoys something you can not even begin to understand with your mind yet you genuinely applaud, encourage, support their consensual right to what they enjoy from your heart honestly. 


Another person's journey looks completely different than yours. You can "see" through your lens how they will fail, fall, stumble, get hurt. When you ask them if they are open to your opinion and they decline you are not bothered by their choice one bit. You are not affected. Because you know it is their journey. Their shoes. No one else can walk it for them. AND, you still treat them with respect, kindness, care, like any other human being close to you. AND, you do not slander who they are to others because you value who they are as a human, regardless of how they choose to live their life. 


You have healthy boundaries around whom you engage with and allow in your sphere and at what depth. You understand that some people are just passing through your periphery, while others are meant to shine a light on areas within yourself you get to grow in. You hold a boundary that respects all, but admits some. 


You realize deeply that you are flawed. You have wounds. And you are still worthy to be loved, appreciated, cherished by your partner (s). You are no better than anyone else, yet just like everyone else you deserve respect.....most of all from yourself. 


You seek out opportunities to grow in your capacity to be empathetic towards those around you. You do not understand it all. Know all the diverse ways people navigate life. You are a student of tolerance, compassion, and wisdom in many different forms. 


When you are triggered you do not lash out. You see the signs within your body of a trigger being pressed and you navigate it with grace and tact. 


When others are triggered you hold a space for them to navigate their own fears (pain, hurts, doubts, insecurities et cetera) without taking their expression personally. EVEN if it is "directed at you". You can see the pain they are in that is deeper than the surface knee jerk reaction they are showing you (others) and you can calmly express that maybe right now is not the best time to discuss the issue at hand. You lead with compassion and not reaction. 


When you can stand firm in not allowing someone else's fear to move you in a given direction. We ALL have fears. Our relationships with others is NOT the place to put them. When the fear within others is asking you to "understand" or to make space for it you calmly yet firmly refuse. It is the ONLY way fear will not giving it any oxygen to breathe. You do this with gentleness, compassion, and resolve. You commit to loving them honestly. 


Someone tells you no, for ANY reason, and you do not try to understand, ask why, or seek to figure out what their reasons are. You know a person's boundary is not about you and your honest desire is to simply respect their boundaries. You do not need to understand someones reason for why they choose what they do to respect them and honor their answer when you ask. You do not try to assume an answer onto them that you can understand. 


Signs of emotional immaturity:



Passive aggressive responses and behavior. 


Being wounded by another person's choice. 


Another person's trigger triggers you and you lash out creating an unhealthy repetitive cycle. 


You make your fears others responsibility. Others suffer for your fear and you expect them to tip toe around your insecurity. 


You do not strive or desire to grow in understanding others points of views. Your way is the only way because it feels "safe". Others lenses threaten you. 


You use words like "narcissist" , or  "psychopath" on a regular basis to define a person you do not agree with. Unless you are a licensed psychiatrist and know the individual intimately and deeply you cannot possibly make such an assertion about another. At worst you could express their behavior "seems" like narcissistic behavior. This "lashing out" is usually a mechanism meant to protect ones ego. You do not seek to understand, or show compassion, or tolerance regardless of what you "believe". 


You try to manipulate others with your "truth".  Your honesty can not stand on its own because you feel "attacked" and feel you need to "defend" yourself. 


You allow any and everyone into your sphere deeply without any discrimination or protecting of yourself. You blame others for hurting you while you allow those who should not be allowed close to you. 


You feel you must "fix" or "offer" your perspective on everyone's personal struggles. You believe yourself to be "helping" while you are taking on the energy of others darkness. You try to "help" others as a way to resist sitting with some of the same problem areas within yourself you witness in those you try to "help". 


You struggle deeply with self love. You do not take personal time just for you to love on yourself. You do not like who you see in the mirror as a person. 


Your value is wrapped up in what you "do", who you know, what you accomplish in life. 


You slander others behind their backs for the things they like or enjoy.



Why is any of this important???

Who cares and what is the point? 


Self aware/emotionally mature dominants seek an emotionally mature submissive. Navigating the immaturity and drama that comes with it can be incredibly taxing. Creating problems and deep challenges from the get go within a dynamic makes for a tougher road than what is necessary. Many dominants do enjoy a each their own for sure! 


Self aware/emotionally mature submissives desire the stability found in a dominant that "has their shit together". This is more than owning your own vehicle. Have your own place to live. A stable and fulfilling job for yourself. It is also about a dominants ability to hold a space for the deep seated need and desire for emotional release of the submissive without seeing them as less than or inferior as a human. 


Emotional maturity speaks to all of us as stability, security, compassion, tolerance. All the things most of us desire in our lives. We could certainly express we want more of those things, or maybe a more accurate way to enunciate it would be to say we all desire the rich character of those types of people in our sphere. Because they make us better. Because they light the way to the best version of ourselves. 


We ALL have room for growth in our emotional maturity. We probably always will. 


May we find the grace to purge ourselves of the rancor and shed those pieces that do not serve us. To be the best of the community......because what we put in is what we get out.






Drago and Amethyst




2 weeks ago. Feb 16, 2021, 6:20 AM






I admit it.

I am thick.

Or stubborn.

More likely thick and stubborn. 


I believe myself to be in touch with where I am emotionally. I believe I understand myself. What I need. What I want. What I value. What I choose and why.

Yet, there are still so many moments where I am made aware of struggles I still have. Or things about my own self I have yet to discover and learn. 


This last weekend was one such moment. 


Allow me to explain how I navigate traumas with those around me. Particularly my partners. I will build a scenario, a story where you the reader can empathize or sympathize with my conundrum. Where you can get a glimpse through my lens. 


When Amethyst is wrestling with trauma. Or deep emotional wounding around an issue I understand fully that it is not mine to walk. Or to attempt to fix. Mine is to comfort where allowed.  Encourage where I am able. Support always. Even if that support looks like inaction. Standing next to her emotionally, mentally, spiritually, energetically so that she knows I am not going anywhere. Should she need me for anything all she needs to do is reach out her hand.

At times, Amethyst has complained that this feels like me taking my hands off the wheel. Not leading. I can understand her lens here. I can imagine, when you are looking for an answer and a way out you may seek for that in your trusted partner.

Simultaneously, Amethyst does not want me to "fix". In fact, often she does not even want me near her. She feels anger around her wounds. That anger she focuses on me. Though, it has zero to do with me. So she runs. She hides from me. Afraid of how she will lash out or hurt me.

I have had several discussions with her regarding this space. I personally would rather that she let loose. Express her pain. She feels it is disrespectful. Cruel. Because her pain is not about me. Nor is it mine to "deal with".  I respect her lens. Her choice. For her, it is how she feels safe. That is paramount of importance to me. 


Here is the issue..... 


She is absolutely allowed her space to navigate. She is allowed how she feels. I remind her always that no matter how she feels I am still here loving her. No matter how angry. No matter how hurt. No matter how she chooses to focus that on me and deal with it.

So, what do I do? I hold a safe space for her. I allow her to navigate what she must. It is, after all, her journey. Her wounding. Where I am allowed to help by her I do my best to support. 


What about me though? 


What do I do with my needs/desires in her wounding? 


Because I am allowed them just as much as she is hers.

Who's needs come first? 


Oh, I can hear many expressing, "You're the dominant. Your needs come first!!" 


Do they? I mean. This is not about dominance or submission. Not at its heart anyway. This is about being human and processing how we all do. Which is unique and different for each of us. 


I can hear others still expressing, "Work to meet in the middle. It is both of you. You're a couple. Find common ground and strive towards it." 


That is fair. In fact I would even say through my lens the correct way to handle things. 


This is where my being thick and stubborn come in. 


I was raised to give. To sacrifice everything for someone else. I will give, and invariably do give, more than any partner I am with. I believe I am designed to do this. Not because I believe I need to submit. Rather, because I believe in leading by example. Setting the bar. Showing how to. If I want to be loved when I am struggling and not feeling so lovely it only makes sense to me to love my partner when they are struggling and not feeling so lovely. 


Sounds good right?

Sounds honest?


As it should be? 


How long do you go on "loving" someone sacrificing your needs so that they feel safe? 


No, really, how long? 


There is no right or wrong answer. Everyone has to make up their own minds what that looks like for them.

For me, it has looked like sacrificing myself. Never having my needs met. Because I "love" others more than myself. I was raised to think this way. Raised to believe this is honest and truthful. What this becomes, for ME, is people pleasing. Co-dependency. 

I create a space where others need me to support them. Without the weight of responsibility for how I feel. What I go through and sacrifice while they navigate their wounds. 


Is this right or wrong? Again, that is a personal question decided by every individual moment by moment.

For me, I do not realize I am in pain myself. That inside I slowly die. Bitterness does not take root. Anger does not exist. Rather, apathy grows. I begin to not be present. I begin to not care. But I do not see this. Because I only witness my "sacrifice" for months on end of helping another with their wounding. I "believe" this is honest. Loving. Setting the standard. Meeting the requirements of my own requirements. All the while I am failing to realize I am in pain. My needs are just as valid. At worst they deserve a voice. They are not unreasonable. They are not outside of what was negotiated or established in the relationship I have with the other person (friend or partner). They fall easily within what is acceptable. In fact, I would even go so far as to say they are quite "normal" and healthy. I do not ask for another person to chop off their arm to meet me. My needs do ask for the other person to walk through their wounding and step into the uncomfortable. That is true. And THAT is what has stopped me from feeling ok to pursue my needs. 


I have rationalized, who am I to ask this of them when this is such a challenging space for them? 


The answer is.......I am just like them. A human being that is allowed to express their needs. 


I am thick because I miss how much hurt not honoring myself causes me. 

I am stubborn because I believe I should sacrifice until my dying breath!!!

All the while, I die inside and become alienated from the person whom I am sacrificing for. 


Oh, I have no problem sacrificing and holding a safe space for another. That has been woven into me from a very young age. 

I also do not have a difficult time sacrificing until I am completely and utterly at wits end......sadly, because others have taught me I have no right to expect to have my needs met. Others have used and manipulated me here. Which is MY fault for allowing. 


You would think I would have learned this lesson a long time ago as much as I have suffered from my inability to simply hold a boundary that says, "I will absolutely love you. I ask you love me in return." 




Something that is foreign to me. I have never been on the receiving end of such. So I fail to understand what that looks like. 

I have failed in the past to love myself enough to simply stand up and say, "I have my limits." 


It is not until  I end up in a conversation over the wounding the other person is going through that I realize all of my feelings regarding what I am processing in this space comes to a head. 

Thankfully I have learned to express in healthy ways. I do not lash out. Or blame. Or add passive aggressive manipulation. I simply cry. I finally give myself permission to express how I feel and where my struggle lies as they navigate their wounding. How it is not easy for me either.

However, all of that could be avoided simply by expressing, "This is affecting me too. You are not the only one being impacted by your wound." Not as a guilt piece. As an honesty. As a space where we get to come together and have a difficult conversation about how best to meet one another's need here. 


It does no good for me to be "brave". Stoic. Have all the strength. Have this attitude that says, "I can handle anything". Firstly it is unnecessary. Secondly, it is hubris to believe you will not be affected by the space others around you navigate. Especially your partner. If you are a feeling, caring, loving individual at all of course you will be affected. Thirdly, it dishonors your own self. Ignoring what you feel and what you need will NEVER bring balance. In a power exchange relationship it will NEVER exchange power. It will be one giving and one receiving. ONLY. 


I am NOT saying that sacrificing for a short period of time. Or even a negotiated time is a bad thing. But everyone has limits. Everyone cannot go without being met, seen, or heard in their relationships for any significant length of time without damage being created.

We all need balance here. 


I am thick.

I know these things with my head.

My heart is slow on the uptake here!😛

And I am stubborn. Believing I can "handle it all" without having my own cup filled. You cannot pour from an empty cup. 


Hopefully, this lesson will be learned by me. I have a LOT of years of indoctrination and manipulation of others that has seemed so "normal" that it is a challenge for me. 


Thank you for taking the time to listen today.







Drago and Amethyst


1 month ago. Feb 4, 2021, 7:52 PM

Shoulding On Yourself




Last weekend I suffered a bout of self doubt. 


I wrote about it and posted it here. It was called 


Fear of Me 


In it I stated how I wasn't open for opinions, help, or guidance. 

No one truly knows me. Or my situation within myself. They hardly can speak any truth that I would trust let alone be accurate for me. Not to mention, I was, as I often am, in a space where I did not want solutions. I was not seeking for external validation. I desired to sit with my feelings. I expressed my emotions to discover the pieces behind them that drive them. No one else can do that for me.

However, many chose to encourage me. To support me. For that, I am extremely grateful. You allowed me to simply show up and you were kind enough to not only hold a space for me but respect me enough to know it is my journey. I do have to travel it myself and how i need to. Even if that doe not make sense to others. 


In the week following here I discovered two pieces of why I felt the self doubt that I did.

Why I felt as if I was letting Amethyst down. 


The biggest one is co-dependency.

The second is people pleasing. 


Both of them create a space within me where I do not allow myself to be human. To get it wrong. To not have the answers. To not have the energy. 

Both of them create a space where I must be perfect. Have it all together. Do it all. Savw the world!!! 


Allow me to explain one instance of this that came up for me last weekend. 


Saturday was Amethysts birthday. The night before I worked until 10pm. A 15 hour day. That's not much to many nowadays. Especially frontline workers!!!! God bless you beautiful souls!! For me though, it is tough. I do not do it often enough anymore for it not to wear me out. Physically and emotionally.

Anyways (notice how I made all kinds of excuses there? Codependent. Trying to get you all to APPROVE of my plight. Like it is not ok if I just feel wore out😒), Saturday came and I was up at 5. I had plans for a scavenger hunt for Amethysts birthday presents and wanted to be up before her. I had the day planned. Make her breakfast. Spoil her rotten by doing all the things she loves. Date night at home in front of the fire with food from her favorite restaurant. All the things. I had planned to scene at the end of the day and when it came I simply didn't have the strength. I was pooped. Wore out. Emotionally drained. I couldn't muster it. 


So I felt awful. 

Felt like I failed her.

That I wasn't enough.

That I "should" be doing this or that.

Or I "should" have taken a nap or something (though I would have felt guilty for that too). 


Amethyst has taught me a valuable lesson here...... 


When we should on ourselves we are trying to do something that we simply are not in alignment within ourselves to do. 




This idea that I MUST be perfect.

I MUST do everything.

I MUST be all.

I MUST know all.

I MUST understand all.

I MUST have everything under control. 


ALL of it stems from co-dependency or people pleasing.

It does not allow me to love myself. Within these ideas and notions I do not give myself permission to simply be imperfect. Or human. Or fallible. Or heaven forbid, incapable.

One would think I "should" know better. And that sent me deeper into my own depression around my self doubt. It is a viscious cycle. One where I beat myself up for beating myself up yet should be beating myself up because I need to beat myself up because somehow that willake it better and I will figure out a way to do it right!?!?!?! 


It is utter nonsense!!!!!! 


I am every bit allowed to struggle or not get it right. 


I preach to everyone to be gracious while you navigate your own journeys. That it is ok to make mistakes that is part of the journey. And one of the biggest things we get an opportunity to learn from is our weaknesses. Yet, here I am........shoulding on myself. 


I would love to tell you it is as easy as realizing what you're doing and stopping. 


I would love to express it is as simple as getting rid of this horrible mechanism that does not serve you by honoring and loving yourself.

And, while all of that is real and true in my lens it is not as simple as making that choice and being healed. 


Unlearning years of conditioning around pleasing others and pouring ones self out so much that they are empty takes time. Most of all it takes grace and patience. With yourself. 

Finding a space where you can look in the mirror and express, "I've done all I can, and that is enough." And KNOW that is the truth, for YOU. Regardless of how another may do it differently. Or have more energy. Or do it better. Or have this answer. Or understand this. Or knows how to with more wisdom. They are NOT you. It is not their journey. They do not or cannot walk in your shoes. No matter how similarly they may appear to you. They're not you. You MUST make the decisions for yourself that honor you. Where you are. What you are capable of. What your needs are. No one else can judge that. No one else should. ESPECIALLY YOU. 


So, this is me, saying I should on myself and I'm not proud of it. I am getting the opportunity to learn better. To grow. To understand that my all is enough. By best is good. Anyone else's view, even Amethysts if it came down to it, is not mine. Nor can it be.



I hope you find the peace you need today to serve you as you need in every way.






Drago and Amethyst