Most relationships start out as a work in progress, hence the whole dating, communication, blah blah blah... but there are points in a relationship where it could change the very fabric of reality you find yourself in... both good or bad, though usually the latter.
Shit comes up, words get vomited out, pride jumps up and smash BOoOm BAM! Everything you've worked on for the past "X" days... weeks... months... is just shot all to hell. You feel like you're back at square one and this is the umpteenth time. The feeling of frustration to the point of wanting to peel yer skin off and let the Beast just have his way is sooo tantalizing... you teeter on the very edge of hope and despair...
What's the point? No matter what you do, it's never enough. Don't matter if all the vomiting that was spewed on you was logically proven to be false... You can't fight that mindset, you can't reason or comfort or even protect them from theirselves. You fight your own demons of self worth, ethical AND moral, right & wrong, disgrace to your name/position.
You feel yourself cracking and as many times in the past but instead ya suck that shit down, push up off your knees and defiantly stand bleeding from the wounds to your heart that those uncensored, without regard or thought....woords... ripped through you, adding to the thousands of other scars that had come before. No more...
As a Master I oft times have not been seen as creatures that can be wounded. I have a Beast after all, yeah?...I am.. A Man. Emotionally inept, lacking in feelings, with unyielding strength to endure. However... lacking doesn't mean without feelings. I hurt... but without the tears. Just because I don't have an outward show of breaking down with gasping gulps of boo hoo.. doesn't mean I'm not looking into the blackness wondering why I fight so hard to be ... this me. The kinder one. The caring for those close to me, person. Fighting to feel even the most basic of happiness and loved feelings... It is so much easier to just let the Beast out. Let him leave a wake of destruction and pain, filling his gullet with fluid he craves...
I sit idley gaming (killing shit) while the war rages in my mind. The restless night had come & gone leaving me that much closer to pitching over the edge... But then she came... softly, broken hearted and humble. Ashamed for what she'd done... the mouth that spat venom and arrows now weaves a needle and thread as she ask for forgiveness, confessing why she did it and acknowledging its merit.
Hearing her speak, I feel the soft little paw take hold of my hand and gently pull me back from the edge. It doesn't take much, granted... I love her deeply... but in my past it's been so rarely done that this little bunny shines like a firefly in the depths of darkness till her glow of humility, honor and respect fill the place where we stand.
The scars will remain, but the healing is quicker with the tending. The wounds are still tender, but this we can endure. The blood is still splayed on chest like a drying riverbed, but her little tongue finds a way to clean it all up.
There is no such thing as an effortless Happily Ever After... that is a delusion of fairy tales. True love is a progressive work. You are human. You're gonna fuk up. What you do is important. How you approach the apologies matter far more than the actual words but make no mistake... the words matter. In my life, it has always been up to me to address the issue, find a resolution, seek the apology (most of which where empty words not worth wiping my ass with)... What had pushed me so hard and so quick? Maybe it was the extent of good times we'd been having that made this feel so blind siding. Idk. What I do know is: I'd reached a point of pivot to which i had no intention of "fixing it." Again. Where we go was in her hands, she either trust me by now or she doesn't. We move forward or start building walls.
I hate that we argue but I'm proud of you for taking my inner hand, humbling yourself and apologizing without prompting. I know you have been taken advantage of, hurt and dismissed in your past... but thank you. Thank you for seeing that I'm not them. Trusting the backlash would not be turned mercilessly on you. Trusting that I would listen. Trusting that when I say you're forgiven that I mean immediately without harsh consequences... (funishment is far more rewarding) and Thank you for doing it relatively quick before the plaster started to harden on the wall so I could rip that shit down without the traditional way of finding my way back. *rubs the knuckles*
I am not much for sharing my inner thoughts with the world, for the most part I'd be just as happy watching it burn while I hold my ^AngelBunny^ safe from harm's path. Yet, how can I ask for her growth if I am unwilling to do so myself. This sharing is in honor of her... trying to help me, be a better version of... well... anything better than the monster I am.
Max
