The noose is your excuse, and the excuses are all nooses.

1 week ago. Mon 12 Feb 2018 09:42:52 PM IST

This is a co-written post. Lord Crutiatus wrote part two and sent it to me this morning. I felt compelled to share his beautiful insight and add in my point of view from a different side (part 1).


Part 1: The submissive lady.

A woman that is a submissive is also a lady. She is gentle, loving, protective and intuitive. She has hopes, dreams, fears and worries. Just as any other woman, a submissive craves a deep love.

All too often women that need to do all sorts of naughty things feel as if they will lose the respect of their dominant and not be worthy of his love.

Unfortunately, this is sometimes true. You open up, and you are honest about all the things that cross your mind, maybe you even do them. Then you are treated badly, or discarded. It doesn’t have to be that way.

There are dominant men out there that will accept and love you no matter how depraved you can be. The ones that won’t commit to you in the way you deserve do not deserve what you’re willing to give.

Trusting another with the depths of your soul takes a strength that many do not poses. It should be revered, respected and kept safe. He should respect your limits, your intelligence, and your fragility. He should protect you from your demons, be there for you when you want to face them and help you be better.

Knowing you’ve found your One is easy. All you have to do is ask yourself; Does he make me better? This doesn’t mean can he “fix” you. Can he inspire you to fix yourself, and if you struggle will he be there to lend a hand, a kind word of encouragement or just a kiss on the forehead?

If the answer is no, or maybe or I hope so... I suggest reevaluating the relationship. It’s okay to try talking it out. Stand up for yourself, and vocalize your concerns. A true dominant will listen and adjust. It is a power exchange not a power drain.

Together, you should both be better. Together, you can face the world. Together, you can experience a love that can never be put into words. A gentleman and his lady. A Dominant and his submissive. That is how it should be.

Part 2: The gentleman dominant.

A gentleman loves women. He loves to be around them, he enjoys their beauty and he could spend hours talking to and interacting with them. The last thing he thinks of is treating women in a bad way. He despises men who gossip about their girlfriends or label women as sluts and whores.

A gentleman is a man who lives by the principle that every woman who is good to him deserves to be treated in a good way. He wants those women to feel good in his presence and to smile when they think off him.

A gentleman is on this world to bring joy to himself and to the women who accompany him on his path. He's not on this world to hide his true opinion, to say what others want to hear or to be what others want him to be.

A gentleman knows that the information a woman reveals through her words is nothing compared to the information she reveals through her feelings. His willingness to study women is what sets him apart from the men who will never be able to truly listen.

A gentleman knows how to treat women. He can always find the perfect balance between deep respect and sexual expression. He wants them to feel amazing in his presence. His goal is to make all the women in his life feel special.

A loving dominant is always a gentleman. He simply goes a step further. Placing his hand on the small of his submissive's back, he guides her through the doorway of her true nature. He places his fingers on the side of his submissive’s cheek to fan the flames of her desires as he looks deeply into her eyes before kissing her passionately.

A loving dominant does not rule arbitrarily. He does not posses limitless power or an unbridled supremacy. A loving dominant posses only the power that his submissive has granted him and she always has the authority to revoke this power at anytime and for any reason.

A loving dominant is a respectful, chivalrous, sensitive, honorable and well mannered man. It’s not about what he can get from a woman but about what he can give her.

One does not become a gentlemen by himself, your family painstakingly raises a gentleman. One does not become a dominant by himself, your relentless love of women makes you one. A loving dominant is the ultimate expression of women shaping men into perfection. Realizing that your power was given to you is what makes you able to receive the gift of submission and willing to treasure it for what it truly is.

In reality the nature of the gift is quite simple; submission is a woman sharing her own perfection with a man in which she sees nothing to change.

 

 

 

2 weeks ago. Sat 03 Feb 2018 02:10:53 AM IST

I feel you sewing strings and sowing seeds, but love isn’t real until it bleeds. In one hand you grip my throat while the other twists my heart. That ghost of my soul in mourning, it’s yours to take tomorrow morning. Tie your strings and water your seeds, I’ll be waiting to see if it bleeds.

1 month ago. Mon 15 Jan 2018 09:42:35 PM IST

 “Feeling needy, cunt?”, you say just after another session of teasing my pussy. In a desperate tone I say, “Yes Master, please don’t keep this going, it’s been two weeks and I have been a very good girl.” “Oh have you now? You don’t make mistakes? You haven’t messed up once?”. I hear a dangerous tone in your voice, and think, very carefully.

 “Well, slave?” I say as humbly as possible, “Master hasn’t pointed out any infractions.” while biting my lower lip. “I see. I’m not worth the effort of you noticing your own fuck ups. You need me to do every fucking thing for you. Is that it?”. I’m flustered. I open my mouth and close it again, I don’t know the right answer, and my wheels are turning furiously, “Answer me right now, cunt!”. I blurt out, “No Master, I don’t need you to do anything!” looking at you, big green eyes searching for any body language. Oozing sarcasm you grin and say, “Ah. Well then, you don’t need me to make you cum”.

 I am so dejected that I feel tears welling up. Not only am I needy, and afraid I have done something wrong, now I have said that I don’t need you. It is too much, I break down into tears, and blubber “I’m sorry Master, I do need you and if I’ve done something wrong and didn’t notice I am just too stupid to know better. Please tell me what I’ve done. I’m so sorry!”. You grab one nipple between your fingers pinching hard and pulling me close, you snarl and say “You haven’t done a fucking thing wrong you stupid fucking piece of shit.”. I whimper and cry harder. “Are you so empty headed that you’ll believe anything you’re told? Well? Are you?” I can’t reply, I just cry. “Do you think you deserve to be touched, much less cum? Do you think for one second that I want my cock in that useless sloppy hole, or is it that you simply don’t give a shit about my wants?”. I do nothing but cry. I can’t speak. You slap my face hard enough to make me come to, “Answer cunt.”. I get out a weak, “I’m sorry I am so selfish Master”. “Good.” You say while picking up your belt.

 “On your knees face down and spread that ass open.”. I do as I am supposed to putting my face to the floor, ass in the air and reaching behind me to expose my holes. I feel the trace of the looped belt sliding down my back, to tickle my wet cunt lips. I sigh a little and wiggle my ass in the air. “Mmm good dog”, I hear, “You really are an obedient bitch, and I have been very cruel for holding back.”. I don’t reply, it’s too easy to get in trouble, I wait. “I’m sorry cunt, you deserve cock, don’t you? Aren’t you my good girl?” “Yes Master I will always be your good and obedient girl, please fuck your slave.”. I feel the belt leave and almost immediately feel it hit my ass. I whimper as you hit again. Over and over, hitting my ass, cunt, legs, and hands. Keeping myself spread open is almost impossible and every time I slip, you stop and say “Spread, bitch!”. I do, it hurts. I cry so hard that I don’t even know what’s happening anymore. I slip so far down that I barely feel it, I just take it.

 “Mmm that’s enough, let go, relax.”, I hear from what seems like far away. I hold the position letting my arms fall, and I cry softer, sniffles in between. You wait. I finally quiet. I feel you position yourself behind me, and you say, “This cunt looks sore and bruised, are you sure you need to be fucked?” Drowsily I say “Please Master.” and try to push myself against you. You tease my wet lips with your cock, and while I can feel a vague whisper of pain it’s not enough to stop me from wanting you. You take me then, fucking me roughly, grabbing a handful of sore flesh and slapping my upper thighs now and then. I cum harder than I can ever remember at the same time you do. You hold onto me, gripping my skin so hard that I whimper.

 You let go, and say “I think I like fucking your cunt when it hurts. From now on if you want cock, fingers, or anything else between those legs, you will beg me to hurt it or you’ll beg to hurt it for me.”. I hear satisfaction in your voice, slightly sinister, setting a new trap. “Would you like to be fucked anytime you want, slave?” I am too out of it to see the trap and say “Yes please, Master”. You stand up and leave the room, saying nothing but “Good”.

1 month ago. Tue 09 Jan 2018 06:24:28 PM IST

Figured out it was the last straw when it bloodied my hand. Now it’s just me in the night, crude lines drawn in black sand. Somehow the going went past tough and got hard, ended up playing your game with a blank deck of cards. Got out my crayons to color them in, there’s always a price to pay for trying to win.

1 month ago. Sat 06 Jan 2018 05:48:11 PM IST

Broken angel knocking on the door, open up, take in the little whore. There’s a warning on the label, better to empty her pockets on the table. Look close at all that ultraviolence, this time all you need is her silence. A little sharpened knife, working her way in. An afterlife spent, slicing away at your sin.

1 month ago. Thu 04 Jan 2018 05:53:49 PM IST

I am not a victim. He is not a villain. However, I was the willing victim of a willing villain. I need to explain this. This post is for me, and for him. Maybe for others that can relate.

The Victim:
I have been a victim my entire life. Before I had any control, before I could even speak, I was a victim. Being a victim is what I thought life was supposed to be. I didn’t feel right if I wasn’t a victim once I grew up. I continuously sought out situations, and relationships to make myself an eternal victim. Then I would blame life for every failure. Each and every road block that I wouldn’t move past was because I was a poor helpless victim. That poor helpless victim also manipulated others into making things that way. That is no way to live. I didn’t have a clue. I had no idea why things were they way they were. I sought out D/s thinking I needed a strong man to rescue me. I found what I was looking for. I found one of the strongest men I have ever known. He did rescue me. It just turned out to be in a different way.

The Villain:
I knew he was a bad man. He is a good bad man. In his life, he is an amazing person. In his soul, he is amazingly dark. He is everything, all in one. The best and the most terrible. All across the board, he has it all. He saw what I was. He saw what I needed, and yes he took full advantage of my ignorance. He used me hard, and filled his darkest needs. He could have done anything he wanted with me, but he didn’t. Did he hurt me? Fuck yes he did. I needed that. I needed to go back to that place for clarity. He loved and cared for me too. This wasn’t always easy on him, either. He can be a monster, but he is not just a monster. There is a difference there. Hard to see sometimes, harder to understand, but it does make a difference.

The Failure:
We made mistakes. We are humans. He made a mistake, and I have forgiven that mistake. I love him. He is forever in my blood, and forever part of me. No matter what, that will always be there. Physically, I’m not afraid of him. Trusting him with my soul again, I don’t think that will ever happen the same way. It’s not his fault, it’s not my fault, it is a thing that happened. He stepped away when I needed him most, but think about it from his side. In many ways, he did the only thing he could do. Had he pushed just a little harder, I would have been gone, mentally. Maybe he didn’t trust himself not to do that. Maybe he had to do the hardest thing he could, and walk away. Maybe he had a little faith in me, and enough hope that he knew I could find a way to deal. Is it what a nice, caring person would have done? No. He isn’t that person with me. I don’t think he can be. We are too primal, too hot, too perfect in our imperfection. I don’t blame him, and neither should anyone else.

The Outcome:
I am no longer a victim. Yes, I still seek pain and use and abuse, but I knowingly do it. I do it with caution. I do it in the best way I can manage. In my life, I don’t let anything stop me from what I feel is best for me anymore. If I fail, I recognize and accept that failure and I try a new way. I still fuck up, but I at least see it now. I take responsibility for it, and then I CHOOSE to let it be a failure or not, thus nothing is actually a failure. It is having that choice that makes the difference. It makes all the difference in the world.

What Now:
We are in an odd place. Bound together in a way that is forever, yet separated in a way that is...I don’t know. It feels like an ocean. I don’t know if we can, ever will or should cross that ocean again. He still tells me that I am always his, and he is right. I don’t know what that means yet. All I know is I am living my life in the best way I can. I’m investing in myself, and doing what I feel is best for me. He gave me that. Whatever it is.

My Reason:
When I write an article like yesterday’s, I take out my heart. I try to give a clear point of view from a side that most don’t ever articulate. I want you to know that bad things can happen, even with the best intentions. I want you to be prepared for that possibility. Maybe it will help, maybe you will find yourself in the same place and you will know how to deal. I have had many people reach out to me, and I am always glad to help or just listen and say it’s going to be OK. It’s a big scary world. I’m just trying to make what is scary and hard a little less daunting. I often do not reflect my true feelings, and my current struggles. My fears and worries and hopes and dreams, I take those out to give a clearer view.

1 month ago. Wed 03 Jan 2018 08:17:17 PM IST

What? How is aftercare possibly dangerous? It sounds so nice. It’s cuddly, warm love, right? In a way, yes. In another way, maybe not so much.

First, when I am speaking of these things they are in relation to intense play. Whatever intense is to you may seem like fluffy rainbow kitty land to another so just imagine yourself in your most boundary pushing situations. The ones that put you in subspace or even just make you think “Oh fuck, what did I just do?”.

You are at your lowest point, you’re on drugs basically made by your own body. It is a physical high and a mental low. What I mean by low, is many times you’ve dropped down into your more primal self. There’s even lower but that’s a different can of worms. What got you to this wonderful place? Your partner. Now he’s bringing you back. Using your name, petting you, telling you good things. It’s like you’re under water and you start to realize that you can’t breathe and there he is just at the surface calling to you trying to get you to notice the hand he’s offering to pull you back up. You reach out, take his hand, and all is well. Until it’s not.

I see these Dominants throwing out “aftercare” like it’s a get out of jail free card. “I want to do this, this and this to you and it’s going to be intense and difficult but it’s ok, I know how to provide lots of aftercare sweetheart. You’re going to be just fine”. I see subs with stars in their eyes thinking they have found the end of the kinky rainbow and will ride off into the sunset with a leash and collar. It’s a sweet happy thought but the reality is relationships are fucking hard. I’m not telling you not to try, but I am telling you to be sure when you allow this be damn sure of one thing. That if you need to, you can bring yourself back.

Over time, this process can create a need for your Dominant that is close to drug addiction. This is where it gets dicey. This is where the trauma bond comes in. It is similar to Stockholm Syndrome, however, I feel that is not even accurate for some. A person like myself, abused in childhood and disassociated...it becomes physiological. I didn’t know this could happen. No one told me oh hey be careful, this could happen to you! When it did happen, I could not find any information about it. I thought I had gone crazy, or at least gone stupid. I could not function on a daily basis without this man. Panic attacks, and the whole nine yards if I wasn’t in contact with him. It took me months to fix myself. I’m still working on it.

So what do you do to prevent this from happening. Well, in some cases you don’t. Maybe you want it that way, and maybe your Dominant wants it that way. If you both want to let go that much and you are both prepared to take on the responsibility that this entails, fucking go for it. Both of you, well informed and well aware with an exit strategy if needed. If you aren’t ready for this but still want to play hard, you have to learn to bring yourself out. This is why I say before you engage in edge play you have to be able to pick up yourself before you can ever allow another to do so.

There are also individuals out there that will take advantage of this. The real predators that want this type of need so they can do whatever they want with you because you can’t live without them. It is very hard to get yourself out of, but it’s possible. Do the things that matter to you, and let your mind rest. Breathe. Think. Remember who you are, and force yourself to be a better version of that person. Fake it if you can’t! “Power is an illusion of perception. The first step to being in control is seeing oneself as capable of being in control.” See yourself as better and eventually you will be better. 

1 month ago. Tue 02 Jan 2018 04:14:57 PM IST

Edge play is something that many don’t understand. It sounds sexy, it sounds alluring, and it definitely is, but there’s also a side to it that until you’ve been there you have no clue what will happen. I’m giving my views of this type of play, and hopefully it will help you deal with ANY trauma you experience or have previously experienced. This is dangerous. This is edge play. You should not unknowingly engage in this. You will get hurt. That being said...people like me are not going to listen even to their own advice. I will tell you how I make it through some pretty intense, probably mostly dangerous devaluation.

Part 1:

I have done some pretty good things in my 40 years. I have done my fair share of really stupid things too. These things can never be taken away, as they are in the past. If I was a person that had done nothing well I could not endure this and come out on the other side. Now. I know and trust myself, and what I view as something that is a past accomplishment is mine and no one can ever take those away. I might not have made tons of money or whatever it is people feel proud of what’s important is what makes you feel proud. My stupid shit out weighs my awesome shit. Stupid shit is what ALLOWS someone to devalue you. So, I have to add more awesome. New awesome shit and then try not to make more stupid mistakes. So, that way, the next time he or anyone else devalues me I can eventually come back up or as with 99.9% of the people that try to devalue me, simply ignore it. Get the fuck back up and do it again. Yes, I might have to retreat and lick some wounds but I do get back up. Because I have some awesome shit. I keep making stupid mistakes too and he uses it when I’m strong enough and then I have to go make more awesome. 

It makes you stronger, but you have to be able to take it in the first place. I’ll say it again, This is dangerous. This is edge play. You should not engage in this. You will get hurt. Fuck it.

Part 2:
Devaluation can be a good thing. I touched briefly and warned you that it’s not to be taken lightly, gave you the tools that I personally use to endure devaluation to the point of degradation. But why would anyone want to endure?

Someone is always devaluing or trying to devalue you. Each time you interact with a person they have this opportunity. You also devalue yourself. This is part of life and a good part of life for most people. It is what drives you to become better and do more. Everyone experiences trauma in their life, this makes you who you are. Your trauma dictates your ability to withstand devaluation by every day people. A little trauma is good, and normal but a lot of trauma can create the need for and susceptibility to devaluation. A person like me, with a great deal of early trauma is vulnerable to devaluation by everyone. Anything and everything makes you feel like a worthless piece of shit, and you have no filter. This is why so many traumatized individuals turn to “broken lives” of drugs, alcohol and so on because trauma is your home, it’s what you know, it is what you are and you constantly seek that. I turned to D/s. (After years of fucking up). Master is home, he is shelter, he is my place that is safe to get the need filled for devaluation and the safe place to be broken. Now that I have my place to go be broken in a safe way, others in my life have less of a chance to devalue me. He has taken on the burden of my trauma (See my post Dominance is the gift) so I can be stronger. I now recognize when another is devaluing me (or myself sometimes) and I can say you don’t get to do that to me OR I can choose to allow that person to devalue me. I was powerless in my devaluation as a child, but now I have that power of a choice. Thus, I am a more balanced individual still with a deep need for trauma that never goes away but not susceptible to trauma all the time by just anyone.
So you see, it can be a good thing, if done properly.

Part 3:

There are many levels of devaluation. “You slut” is devaluation if you think you’re better than a slut. For the most part totally safe, just a little bitch slap to the ego. I’m not going through every level because every level is different for every person.
Now that you know how I can take it, and why I need to, but what happens when you can’t? What happens when oops you ran out of good shit. What happens when your Dominant fails to recognize that you ran out? You break. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Coming back from that...is hard. Very hard. You might just never come back, and you never come back the same. I have been there. That is why I say prepare for it, because I have been on the edge of that blade, and I know what the deep cut feels like. I do not think it’s for just anyone.
Subs, it’s your responsibility to know and trust yourself. If you see a Dominant slowly taking things away from you, your self worth, your identity, the things that make you matter to yourself, you should back the fuck up. Really think about what you are allowing this person to take, think about who is taking it and why because you may not be able to ever get it back and you may be allowing the wrong person to play in your mind.
If you are going to engage in this type of activity to the max level you better be sure he is a person that is max level. I have met only a couple of max level Dominants, one of those being Master.
What I mean by max level person is they must be successful (note this doesn’t necessarily mean financial success). They must be highly intelligent. They must have a fuckton of self control. All of those things wrapped up into one, and then you have to test the shit out of this person just like he is testing you (See my post “Trust.”). Give him a card and see what he does with that card. Those are my personal standards and my personal choice of path. I would not allow anything less into the rich landscape of my fucking beautiful mind.
Even this type of person is capable of fucking up, and it’s your responsibility to be aware of that. It’s your responsibility to plan for and prepare for that. It’s your responsibility to take responsibility for your part of failure. You have to be strong enough to pick up YOURSELF before you can ever hope to depend on another to do so.
Dominants, it’s your responsibility to know that this person you’re going to devalue has what it takes for the level you’re going to go. If you come across a girl that is a mess, you can not take her lower, because you will break her and you probably don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. Don’t take it too far. Keep it at slut and bitch. For everything you take away, you have to put back something good or you have to be sure the sub is putting back good things. If she isn’t putting back, you have to back off and guide her towards something good. If you really like the girl that’s a mess you have to bring her up higher than you intend to take her. This takes work and effort, and you need to be prepared to take on this burden. This takes months and years. This is not something you can accomplish in a couple of weeks. Otherwise, you lose your playground and she might lose a lot more than that.
This happened to us. Months ago. He hurt me at the wrong time. I failed to take responsibility for my part of his failure. I thought that he was not capable of failure. I initially failed to speak up and communicate. Instead, I hid myself from him and he didn’t see that I couldn’t take it, and I broke. Just a little bit. I took away all of my cards. What happened next, was me breaking myself even more. I lost him. I lost my safe place. He didn’t abandon me, I took away all of my cards. I failed to take responsibility and I lost the most important part of my world. The part that hurts until I’m better. The part that is there for my worst. I was a fucking idiot. I can’t speak for him and how he views any of this. It is simply my view.
You have to be mindful to be mindless. You have to be worthy to be worthless. You have to be something to be nothing. If you find yourself losing your mindfulness, self worth, and value take a break. Make a list of the things that make you proud, the things that bring you peace, and engage in that for a while.

2 months ago. Wed 06 Dec 2017 05:04:20 AM IST

There are several ways to hold a leash. One can hold it close and tight like holding back an uncontrolled thing, one can hold it absentmindedly like it’s a chore of an unwanted responsibility or one can hold it in a loose firm grip. A loose firm grip is the grip of pride. The Owner knows he doesn’t even need a leash anymore, it is simply a symbol of the way the connection was formed. He grips firmly because that connection matters to him, and it matters to his property. It feels good for both to feel it, it feels stable for both, it feels like coming home from a long trip all alone. He will always hold the leash. The way that leash is held depends on the behavior of the one on the end.

2 months ago. Fri 01 Dec 2017 05:54:50 PM IST

I’m waiting for you when you come home from work. I greet you as usual and you give me a tired and stressed look. I feel that you are more than not happy, you feel angry. Knowing that this is unrelated to me, I start trying to soothe you. I try to offer you something to eat, a bath, a massage and you barely acknowledge any of that. I change the tone and I get close to you, nuzzling your neck, I whisper, “How can I be of use to you, Master?”. You nuzzle back and I relax into you as you gently trail your hand along my body up to my hair. I think you’re going to kiss me, but you stop just at my lips. I open my eyes and look into yours. Cold, hard desire shines through those beautiful brown eyes. I bite my lower lip, as your grip tightens in my hair and you say, “Get on your knees I want to cum on that pretty face.”.

I feel your dark mood, and I obey unthinkingly. This is not a time to be playful. I kneel and open my mouth and look up to you with big green eyes, just the way you like. You stand, remove your belt, and wrap it around my neck like a choke collar just tight enough to make me feel helpless. You hold one end and take out your cock with the other hand, jerk my mouth forward hard and start facefucking me with no hesitation. I don’t want to make you punish me, so I perform perfectly. As perfect as I think I am, you stop to slap me, berate me for not doing a good enough job, and use my mouth as well as any pussy. In my state of non thinking I don’t even realize that you came and I swallowed and hold there until you relax. I cast my eyes downward, because I know what’s coming.

You cup my chin, tilt my face from side to side, “Hmm Is there cum on your face, bitch?”. I get shifty and say “No Master, there’s no cum on my face”. You sneer down at me, “You are so busy being your idea of perfect that you ignored what I said I wanted, again”. You slap me hard and pull the belt off my neck. “Lay the fuck down and open your legs.” I obey as you say, “You perfect fucking failure, now I have to hurt you until I am ready to let you fix this.”. I cry and beg while apologizing and trying to be still. You finally stop, grabbing my chin. I sniffle and look up to you as you say, “Oh good, I made my girls face prettier, I think I am ready for more.”.

This time you let me do all the work, and I feel how much more relaxed you are. You stroke my hair, and tell me that I’m a good girl as I slowly bring you to the point of orgasm. I lean back, mouth open, tongue out while you cum on my face with your hand gently gripping my hair. You look down and say, “There we go, I feel better my love, thank you for being such a good girl”.

I feel satisfied because I’ve filled a place in your life in a way that no other can. I feel loved, and valued for being the one you choose to embrace your Dominance with my submission. I go to clean myself up, look into the mirror and despite the cum, sweat, and ruined makeup I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.