This is what I define as kink experience. You will see people mention on their profile they have X years experience but they never mention how they got this experience. To me experience comes from being part of a BDSM community. Where you are going to munches and classes held by known and vetted members of your community.
Watching something on YouTube and trying it and not killing them is a form of experience, but I don't count that as kink experience.
Use the google machines and find your local munches and events. If you have to travel a few hour it might suck, but in the end it will be worth it. Its not like you will have to drive for 2 hours every day. The education you will receive will be worth it.
If you are taking advice or someone who is interested in you mentions they have X years experience ask them where they got it. Always fact check them. There are enough resources at your disposable to figure out if someone is full of shit or not.
Please try to protect yourself and don't let these bullshit artists try anything on you. It might sound drastic and extreme, but it could be a matter of life and death.
Last night someone posted a shock collar around their neck. I responded with comments about how dangerous and deadly this can be. This person responded with comments like: “...we have a written contract signed and notarized.” And “It’s called a safe word.” To start off with BDSM contracts are not legally binding. Unless this contract is like a prenup you wasted money having it notarized. Having a safe word is great when you can speak. It might be incredibly difficult to call out a safe word when you are having a stroke or seizure.
I currently teach or lead discussions on the following topics: electrical play, negotiations and BDSM 101. I’m glad you though I was some as you put it “vanilla “ with no experience, but you should at least fact check what someone says multiple times on a picture in a blog especially when that person has no previous interactions with you.
Please attend classes in your local kink community. Go to BDSM and Leather conventions. Learn as much as you can. Practice RACK and PRICK.
I will be happy to be called a Karen or a hater by calling out unsafe play. Keep the names coming. Safe play is worth a couple of names.
For those that have questions about what I teach / lead discussions on. Please shoot me an email.
For those that are wondering which blog I am commenting on please search for it yourself. If you can’t find it contact me in private.
Can’t break the TOS while the cat is watching.
In life everyone has a bubble. The bubble consists of experiences as well as knowledge. Everyone has a different size bubble and that’s okay. Every now and then people try to talk outside their bubble and it leads to problems.
In the kink world their are many bubbles. For some this site is all they know. Their kink bubble is just this site and maybe a few sites found from google.
Some people have made it to a munch or two and maybe even a play party. With addition to this site their kink bubble is bigger.
Some people have been to major cons, visited other communities or traveled the world to visit kink communities.
No matter where you fall in this list or in between examples that is your bubble and it’s all good.
The problem arises when someone talks outside their bubble and argues something they know nothing about. If I am talking from my kink bubble and talking about experiences I’ve had or things I’ve done, you can not or should not attack me for my views and my experiences since they are different than yours because your view and experiences are different.
If your kink bubble is smaller than mine, listen to what I have to say and learn from my stories. Yes you should fact check what I say, but listen. Don’t attack. Just as I’ll listen to someone who has a larger kink bubble than me.
The only way we can grow as a community is to listen to those with more experiences and knowledge than yourself. Your bubble should always be growing.
If your bubble is different than someone else’s don’t attack them. Talk to them. Learn why someone is saying something different. If someone is from Germany and talking about their kink scene and I live in California, I can’t say that how they do things in Germany is wrong since my knowledge comes from the California kink scene. I might not agree with it, but I now learned how they do kink in Germany so my kink bubble got bigger.
Keep your kink bubble growing. It can only make you a better kinkster and may even help you on your kink path.
So you think you are a brat. I guess the real question is: why do you think you are a brat? I believe most people who identify as brat or want to identify as a brat aren't really brats.
A background in my theory. We have become a very instant society. We have to have everything now. That includes relationships. This we have to have it now is exacerbated with the internet and all the dating sites out there. When it comes to kink having dating, meeting sites is a good thing since it allows us to find each other easier.
The problem with kink dating sites is the kink. Now don't get me wrong, being able to find people with kink interests similar to you is a great thing. Now the problem, people only focus on the kink. People forget that as much as it sounds good, we can't all be kinky 24/7. We have a vanilla side to us as well.
Here is where the brat part comes in. I think so many people are looking for relationships and looking for the one, that they don't find a good partner, they just find a partner. It seems that people find a partner for various reasons like: people are close together, had a good scene, maybe even a good talker. What people don't take the time to do is see if they are a good person, a good Dom/me or sub. People are quick to collar one another and start a relationship.
With all these quick start relationships it leads to a lot of getting hurt. And when someone puts all their heart into a relationship it can and going to get hurt. Here is where the “brat” comes in. After sometime of being hurt you put up walls and you work out ways to defend yourself. Part of the defense is pushing people away and testing people.
So, do these walls and protections make you a brat? I would say no. You are not a brat, but you have so much pent up hurt and anger that is bottled since there aren't many outlets for someone to talk to. Plus there aren't too many words to describe how you feel so you now use the word brat.
Yes, there are those who are brats, but there would be a lot less brats if people took their time to get into relationships, took the time to get to know someone and get to know yourself.
Yes, know yourself. Its easy to say “I'm a sub.” or “I'm a Dom.” but the question is what kind of sub or Dom are you? I realize this is a very open ended, but the more you know about yourself and the more you know about what you want, the less hurt in relationships you will feel, because you will take the time to find the person that matches you. With less hurt it gives you less reasons to put up walls and a lot less hurt. Which means no “brat”.
Lets all take the time to find that one perfect partner. As fun as being in a relationship is, a relationship is a lot more fun with someone who is your opposite equal.
I had a conversation with an ex and it opened all sort of emotion and self realizations. I guess some back story is needed. I had a girl in my life that I would take a bullet for. She meant the world to me, but I treated her like she was disposable. I always thought she would be there. Not in the supportive sense, but in the it didn't matter what I did or said she would be there. Like a puppy I thought as long as I fed her and pet her from time to time she would be there happy to see me. Yes, that does make me an arrogant, cocky asshole.
I never knew what she saw in me. She was an extrovert, outgoing, fun, bubbly, and smart. I look at myself as an insecure fat, ugly, introverted asshole. She was into all sorts of hobbies and friends. I worked so much that I had no hobbies and friends and it turned me almost agoraphobic. I never knew what she saw in me, but she saw something. I didn't get it and kept her at bay. Even though I had deep feelings for her and loved her, I never said it. I never made her feel like she was wanted in my life. I'm sure I tried to push her out of my life more than I'm willing to count. Yeah, always made she she had what she needed, but I never gave her what she really wanted which was to not only feel loved, but hear she is loved.
Something so simple, just because it was true. I truly loved her and I truly cared about her, yet I couldn't and wouldn't show it. I was always afraid of her leaving me for someone else and I was still hurting from relationshipS past. Yes, I never got over and learned to cope with relationships past, so I was always looking for the fail point.
There is a huge part of me that wants to fix things. Hell I'm a service tech, my job is to fix things. When it comes to relationships I am learning that I can't always fix things. I can't do what I should of done and I can't erase the past. I have learned from my past and know that in future relationships I can't treat her like she is disposable and I have to let her know that she is loved, not just show her with little gifts, but actually say those three little words that is so hard to say "I LOVE YOU".