I yam what I yam.
Bondage, D/s, M/s, these aren't things I saw in a movie, read in a book, or was Introduced to by a former partner, on some level it is and has always been apart of who I am, part of my nature. For myself I hate the word kinky because it does not encapsulate what things are for me. I have always been this way, even when it was buried beneath my own societal expectations, my nature was always in conflict with that expectation and has left some scars because of it.
Am I perfect? God no,
Do I know everything? Never.
Do I know what I want? Yes and no.
Firstly want is the wrong word, for me it is definitely a need, I have tried to walk away from it many times due to frustrations, but I always have that pull to come back to it.
Secondly, I know what I need now, but like any person indulging in one thing can lead to new experiences, new thoughts, and new ways to feel whole.
I think that is what I am trying to explain about myself. I don't feel whole, complete. It's not a romantic thing, it's......complicated to explain because it seems my thoughts on submission and enslavement are very different than most, what I see as perfect sense, others don't.
I need a girl who understands the selfless nature a slave should have, that perfect trust. Everyone is so worried about getting what they want, that they cannot exist as I need them to. I need her to exist to please me, to serve me, I do not need her motivation to be what I can give her, this is not how power exchange works no matter who started that lie.
Not everyone will agree with me, precious few actually, and that is fine. It has been the experiences I have had that have shown me what doesn't work. I've been lied to, stolen from, cheated on, manipulated, and have had my heart broken. This is what has made me what I am, and this is why I will spend the rest of my life looking if I must. Eventually someone will get it.