Avoid reading, if possible

Need to get these thoughts outta my head. PTSD sucks, and it's not the good kinda suck.
12 hours ago. Wed 25 Apr 2018 10:15:23 PM IDT

grateful for every breath.

grateful for every freckle and burn.

grateful for the lines and creases that are gradually mapping out the age of my body.

grateful for the pain because it means that i will love Him.

grateful for lessons learned and lessons to be taught over and over and over until i've learned my lesson.

reminding myself to be grateful is important and must remember this. because even the shitty times are times when i've still be granted the ability for air to rush in and out of my body without much effort, and for my heart to keep beating even if it feels broken and shattered.

others cannot.

and even more have it far, far worse than me.

there are worse things.

no right to complain.

every reason to be grateful.

remember this. 

1 day ago. Wed 25 Apr 2018 12:17:54 AM IDT

is good news.

no news is good news.

one way = all's well if all quiet

flip side = all news is not good

fuck it. just have to trust that, if there has been an emergency, he will get word to me somehow.

how to stop worrying.

fish don't climb trees. 

feel like shit. 

angry worried annoyed impatient tired exhausted worried scared.

goddamn frightened rabbit again.

worried sick.

no news is good news.

new mantra. repeat.

2 days ago. Tue 24 Apr 2018 08:13:01 AM IDT

recognized progress today, on some fronts.

heading into a year of first anniversaries of my annus horribilis. but, that being said, i'm not the wreck i thought I'd be.

so, progress.

thankful for this.

have no clue what the coming year holds.

at this very moment i am beyond anxious for some word from my Love. has been 3 days since He last contacted me and the atmosphere around that sandbox where he lives is becoming more and more tense, more and more out of control. 

if anyone else is reading this, please, say a prayer or think good thoughts or send a positive vibe out to him and every other living soul currently affected by a conflict they neither started nor participated in but, by simple accident of birth or economic necessity, find themselves in the middle of, or, very close to, for now.

he may be in need of some good vibes, i don't know. but, just to be safe.

please, be safe Love.

hurry home, someday soon.

 

3 days ago. Mon 23 Apr 2018 04:01:17 AM IDT

haunt me.

seemingly normal conversations can go beyond the beyond and then

BANG.

i am right there. right fucking there and can't pull away and cannot forget and it's all i can see and hear and smell and rooted to the spot and cannot move. and i cannot scream.

cannot scream. air will not enter my lungs or leave them.

time.stands.still.

i'm sorry. i'm sorry it was you and not me. i'm sorry i could do nothing. i was only little. skinny. weakling. child. 

i could never have lifted it off you. could only watch, rooted in horror. thought you were dead.

should have been me. then i could be dead.

but here i am. and those fucking memories haunt me to this day.

i'm sorry Angel. i know you said to sleep, but this god damn phone keeps binging and then it's thoughts of earlier today and how that fucking memory hijacked our conversation. took over. i'm sorry i could not pull away. i'm sorry for shouting as i tried to explain (sorry i cried), tried to get out of that memory that haunts me to this day and likely always will.

forgive me, even though i know you'll say "it's not your fault..."

i know. i know it's not my fault but the guilt has closed me in and there are times i cannot escape what i saw and heard and smelled and felt and then i'm right.fucking.there.

all over again.

forgive me.

and my Love? miss you so, Babe. be safe.

if you can't come home, just be safe.

5 days ago. Sat 21 Apr 2018 07:38:32 AM IDT

and vodka.

and enjoying an art film not viewed in some years.

funny how, when working on building a poly life, i still finds loads of me time. 

and i need me time as much as Us Time and, eventually, Time in a Me Sandwich.

now, that sounds yummmy.

better than this avocado toast with scallops on the side. although, to be fair, it's yummy too.

i will not worry about Him. He WILL be safe. and my Angel will watch over me.

We Will Make Time, for the Three of Us.

so damn thankful for every breathing minute i have on this earth.

6 days ago. Thu 19 Apr 2018 11:39:57 PM IDT

have found myself avoiding the news, if possible.

usually want to stay current, up to date, reading more than a couple sources while trying to avoid bias and obtain a global awareness. at least a little bit.

not a word from Him yesterday. yes, he's Busy Man, a fav TOE for him, but still.... not one word?

anxiety is rising and if there's any news coverage in the next few days, i'll probably be a basket case.

like i was the other night. at work. hate fucking crying at work. but i did. all because of the front page news on a section of newspaper someone had casually left behind in the staff lunchroom. that i glanced at while getting my coffee.

grabbed that section and hid it underneath the stack of other discarded newsprint.

at least, if bad news comes in the next two days, i can fall apart in relative privacy. off work for two days in a row. a weekend of sorts, finally. 

but my Love, no word yesterday? 

please, for the love of god, be safe ________.

my new and constant mantra.

You might think nothing of a bump or two, but You mean the world to me. cannot lose You. and you know damned well how much i worry, even when  there's no need (in Your mind, at least). 

Love You So, so much.

your LM 💜💋♾

1 week ago. Wed 18 Apr 2018 10:22:20 PM IDT

sometimes, most always, need silence.

it rings in my ears. hate how it feels. fucking solitary and alone but maybe that's how i should remain.

no one to need me or want me. no one to disappoint. no one to have any hold over me.

no obligation to existing or future plans.

god knows how much i've fucked up past plans.

have been, am, always will be, just another fucking loser wanna be.

so sick of all these memories of nothing ever seeming to work out.

maybe, love wasn't meant for me.

it's ok. can/have/will handle it. small shoulders but they're strong.

will carry my own burdens.

1 week ago. Tue 17 Apr 2018 04:23:32 AM IDT

movable. moving. moved. 

transient. 

my life has (almost) always been mobile in a sense, never being in one place very long without that driving urge to move on. move on and keep moving.

oh god how i long for roots. a cellar of preserves, that hand-me-down quilt, the smell of old wood, that ring that once was a token, a symbol of an undying love and the reason i could trace my roots back to a fixed place where i belong. i long for that. cannot have that.

belonging. shit. that's it. belonging to someone: a place or just fitting in and being accepted without explanation. simply accepted and wanted. comfort zone. 

hate moving now. too many goodbyes. too much stuff to sort through before leaving. so much work, and for what?

more of that uncomfortable getting-to-know new people all over again. 

fuck, i am such a fucking whiner. gotta move on from here. must.

He will not meet me here in time and i just want to give up. i will not, but i want to give up on all this love BS. just face it, love sucks.

He will be Safe.

1 week ago. Mon 16 Apr 2018 03:30:16 AM IDT

terms of endearment. special to the point of not wanting anyone else to call me by the names He has chosen to use when addressing me. 

the names Angel has used so far have touched  more than my heart.

They are perfect, for me. Not the names, the Men.

sun was bright and warm-ish and blue skies and billows of cumulous... but only in the distance. high pressure can make people happy. pressure can be good, great, necessary.

coal into diamonds and all that shit.

so fucking grateful to be getting older. many could not. 

gotta drag my ass outta this massive crater that POS second husband had created just for me.

then I am going to stay in the sun, enjoying all the sweet and salty goodness my Men will give me, and know that I am loved as deeply as I love Them. 

Will happen. 

1 week ago. Sun 15 Apr 2018 01:44:33 AM IDT

be safe be safe be safe

please be safe

take care of you for me. you promised me many times, never forget. you said:

"i know what we are to each other"

i know you're busy, but...

you know how i worry.

just please, for fuck's sake, be safe my Love. 

gonna keep my chin up and let the sun shine as often as i can, for You.

better times for Us, ahead.