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Satin Silhouette

Illustrating a sensual silhouette across the sky
5 years ago. February 16, 2019 at 2:26 AM

To be entirely forthright, I don’t know where to begin with these thoughts. This is just a stream of consciousness that I am experiencing at the moment, needed to get it out of my head.

Pain is so enticing, endlessly beguiling, but I fear it. I have been touched in brutal ways, both wanted and unwanted. Recently, however, I have learned just how little I have truly experienced. My curiosity has always proven to be a dangerous thing. The urge to push forward, simply in the quest for my own limitations, has become sentient. But how do I reconcile that my scream could equate someone else’s whimper, when a height of my own pain is someone else’s dull discomfort. I crave with every ounce of my being to be ruined. I be left with bruises and welts and cuts and scars… to wear them with pride. Yet, I still fear receiving them.


I have not felt true pain, not when I wanted to feel it anyway. How do I crave to be bitten, when the only teeth I have felt were those of an enemy? How do I crave to be bruised, when I still remember those foreign fingerprints? How do I crave to be destroyed, when I battled so heavily against the very thought?


This is not the time for me to delve into complicated emotions no one else deserves to unpack. I simply am scared. I am scared of myself, of my own need for more. I see the deep black and blue, the ache in a step, the blood on a tongue… and I wish it for myself. But can I handle the pain? I want to. God, do I want to. But can I?
If not, will I ever? How do I get there? Where do I even begin?


As I sit here, contemplating a million and one thoughts, thinking and dreaming and fantasizing about the most depraved things my mind can think up, I can’t help but worry that I am incapable of making my reality live up. Am I enough? Can I take it? I want to. I need to. God, do I need to.


There is an animal, something primitive, lurking, hungry for perversion buried in me. It’s just out of reach, hidden beneath a chasm of fear and doubt. I can not find a way through, a way across. What do I do? How can I accept that there is a part of me aching to explore, locked away by my own shortcomings? How can I? I can’t. But then what? What can I possibly do with the skin that I am in? Can it learn? Can I?


The more I try to figure it all out, the more questions I discover. I seem to be sorely lacking in answers.
 

TreasureMe​(sub female) - Sil this is beautifully written! I can completely relate to this feeling. Well done 👏❤
5 years ago
SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female) - You can take it, Satin Silhouette, when it's given by the right person. I can only offer my own experience, but I suspect it's the same for many of us that have been marked in both unwanted and wanted ways. It sounds odd, but when you've been hurt by someone (or someones) without your consent it takes a piece of you away. A piece of your soul. When those same marks or pain is given in the context of healthy BDSM, it doesn't take away, it builds you up. Good luck as you look for that which your soul is searching.
5 years ago
SouthernFire​(sub female) - Agree, it is beautifully written and I can relate to it all.
4 years ago

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