As a society we have millions of reasons why relationships won’t work. In our recent societal history it has been because the relationship was based in different religions, interracial, same sex, poly, or because the participants are too young or to old. The point here is that we are always assumptive about why a relationship won’t last. We always seem to have the answer, and now relationships will fail because they are internet relationships.
Internet relationships have been happening way before the internet. What I mean here is that as long as there have been correspondence and communication there have been long distance relationships. Internet relationships are simply another way of doing unconventional relationships.
I will admit that I have a fair amount of privilege and bias here. I have never been in a long distance relationship or an internet one. I have always had the privilege of having my love by my side, we have always lived in places where there was a vibrate gay and BDSM scene that was attainable, and we have no children or geographically close family that would negatively impact our ability to participate in BDSM.
When I first began thinking about online BDSM relationships I instantly thought that the people were somehow less then or broken. People that were, for some reason, incapable of having relationships in real time.
Then I remembered something, and it was like a huge smack to my head.
My mom feel in love online.
It was the only time in her life that I remember her being happy. She lived in the US and he lived in India. When she came and said that she was moving to India, not visiting, moving to India, I remember sitting across from her scared face and saying “Go. Go today. Don’t wait.” I never once questioned the validity of how she felt. I was afraid that she would get killed or sold into sexual slavery, I will admit that. Secondary to that, and with greater importance, how my mom felt was palpable. That is what mattered.
My mom wasn’t broken. She had had successful relationships in the past in real time. Where she was in that time in her life the computer helped her to grow, open up and finally love again. She went on to have a successful relationship with the man from India. It was the first time in forever, I remember her smiling for real and not that “I’m going to smile because you think I should" smile. She would laugh. She was excited about life. I joyfully helped her move.
With all of that knowledge, how could I downplay someone’s desire for an online relationship? What was wrong with how I thought about others?
There are many people who want online relationships because that is what fulfills their needs. Just like I desire other women, they desire someone on the other end to their computer.
My judgement and bias is no more fair or right than those that believe that because my love and I are a same sex couple we are destined to fail, unable to have “normal” relationships, or are in some way damaged.
I will be honest. I don’t know if I am capable of an online relationship. However, I will no longer allow myself to think that those that do are less then.
Kudos to you that are able to!
