There is a big big difference about perception between cyber BDSM and real life. Having experienced both i have always advocated for playing in real life...but now ive changed my mind.
Cyber BDSM is safe in many ways. It means you have to really use your imagination but since our brains are our best sex organ i do see how it works. And the over stimulation which happens from the application and use of many different things can be hard to think about unless you have been fortunate to have already experienced them at some point. And we all know that some ppl who cyber only are pure predators. and we cant help it. you have to try and have your back all the time and be on guard against being used unless your kink is to be used.
But i am gonna bare my soul here and tell my personal business so that everyone can try to understand how dangerous it is for us to trust other people out there.
here goes.....i've been in a poly relationship with a Dominant Master and its long distance for well over 5 years now. The other subs involved know about my existance but only one is wise enough to see and recognize that the treatment i received was not right. Being long distance Sir fast-tracked me through bdsm. for sure i was hooked. for sure i felt i was in love with him but tons of forced orgasms will make you imprint and feel that you love just about anyone.
as a sub i was fast-tracked being pushed heavily into intense extreme situations and forms of play. yes some of you cringe inwardly when i start talking about some things. but i want everyone to understand that the outcome of this fast-tracking was wrong and the fast-tracking is and was abuse. am i naturally submissive??? yes probably so. am i a natural pain slut???? um im thinking that might be a no. looking back through random extreme play sessions i was broken down with extreme forms of play and my endorphins made everything okay leaving me open to be formed and molded to fit the Master's needs. Of course i was told to buckle up and let the Dominant drive the train. And i did fight...wanting to ask questions and always the why word. i was continually told to just shut up and enjoy the ride.
When the Dominant and the sub are close to each other (geographically) there is a lot of opportunity for the small things to happen, kisses, huggs, extra after care,meals.....all sorts of other meaningful things that a relationship can be built upon. other perks.
But when large distances seperate both, the sub who is being broken and dont know it..misses out on the extra nice stuff. everything is always business and soon they find themselves being way different people from where they started.
at some point i remember asking myself what was going on-that- so much about me was being changed that i was having a hard time remembering who i am to begin with.
and let me be 100% clear here... a Dominant should want to get involved with a sub or slave because there are characteristics and nuances about the sub or slave whether physical or emotional that ATTRACTS the Dominant to that sub or slave in the first place.
Oh and in my case you can be sure i attracted the Dominant. i am strong and vibrant and fun from what my friends tell me...they seem to keep coming back for more of me. but at one point i asked myself what it was that was that he loved about me to begin with....because i didnt recognize myself anymore. (huge big red flag right here)
some of you may know....that ...the extreme anal play that i participated in was fantastic- dont get me wrong. but now today my bowels are so super sensitive that when i eat a regular sized meal i can feel my body pushing the food through my intestines and it results in sometimes intense anal orgasms which can leave me in moments where i enter sub space on my own and as a result i am dangerously unsupervised.
because of scheduling issues, my work committment, a back injury and long term healing i found myself in an experiment. i went 14 months without face to face contact with said Dominant. Thanks to the large supply of readily available endorphins i was able to sleep with the back injury with no need for any narcotics or muscle relaxers. the sound of the Dominants voice telling me to go to sleep would flood me with endorphins and allow me to get consistent long stretches of deep healing sleep for over 5 months and this past week when facing each other face to face i found that nothing has diminished. if He so much as touches me i can hit sub space. spankings are down to maybe 15 strikes with any kind of impact play implement resulting in sub space that i need a 4 hour nap to recuperate from. i spent a whole week in vegas with a sadistic Dominant who played with the other sub and as i watched i hit sub space on my own or was just simply really high on endorphins at any given time.
if i get a normal case of the runs i can be left mindless on the toilet while i am using the toilet. i am so super sensitive that thoughts and some simple touches can make me start to process and move whatever i have through my bowels.
its wrong and borders on abuse.
and so now today......no its not allowed to do but in a sense this morning after a week where i felt like my presence was a nuisance and not something that was wanted....i basically released my Sir. yes its not protocol. but in a sense its what i did.
while i sometimes spend hours on the phone with Sir i am basically denied all the small little things that add such dimention to lifestyle relationships.
i sit and listen on the phone while he burps and farts and sometimes uses a different phone to conduct his business.
but in a week i ended up feeling like i should not have come along. i was face to face with him....or it was possible and nothing....zip....nada.....nothing meaningful and cerebral at all.
but boy when HE was ready to swing those floggers or use the dragonstonue...then i was acknowledged in the room.
but yes ...i have been broken and rebuilt according to the Masters desires.
right now i am so angry over having been broken without being asked my permission.
and i am angry because there isnt a chance of anything being made right. this is all out of my hands and i have no clue how to help myself except to breathe and take one day at a time.
so i let go of Sir today and i should have done it way before during the beginning. yes i am a pain slut and im not proud of it.
what i can say is that i seem to be able to breathe easier.
i left Sir today and to be honest i dont know if i can play with anyone else. i am able to enter sub space easily and that makes it dangerous when i cannot protect and defend myself. i cant go out and look for anyone else....because taking the necessary time to meet them and then try to figure things out........ can in a sense get me killed.
so yes i have been broken and yes i know about it. i cant fix it. i cant look for other play partners because i cant defend myself during play if i need to.
and mainly my heart just aches because the person i was trying to trust...fucked me over royally by breaking me.
so if the thought of being broken excites you....then i suggest you find a cyber friend to play with.
the last thing you need is a tag on your toe somewhere.
Please dont flatter yourself thinking that you are different and that this wont happen to you.
it can happen and you might never see it.
please be careful with whom you give power over you to.
