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MsNevermore's ramblings, observations, and thoughts

These are my thoughts, opinions and experiences alone. Feel free to contribute, debate or disagree....
4 years ago. May 3, 2019 at 5:15 AM

I am not a envious person by nature. I dont want exactly what another has or discount the time and effort that others put into getting where they are. Whether it's a relationship or gaining a new skill, I get that for the most part nobody just got handed anything. But try telling that to this freaking heart in my chest...this foolish little thing that keeps asking when it will be our turn.

The physical pang and twist when running across a profile and reading or seeing how content and complete they are. My mind is impressed and overjoyed for them. My heart, while in the moment, warms and is encouraged that there is still good in the world; that there is still balance to be found. But in then comes the chill. Where the reality that there is still a hole in my soul. A missing puzzle piece to complete my well rounded life.

Call it emotional masochism but I look. Even knowing it'll hurt later. Usually it comes from something they wrote or a comment posted. Sort of Alice following that white rabbit down the hole. Wanting to see just a little bit more into their Wonderland. Just like Alice though, I quickly realize that isnt my world. That world isnt my reality. I want my own twisted version of my own Wonderland not somebody elses. My heart hurts knowing it's still just a illusion for me.

Dont worry. I remind myself of all the cliches on patience and giving it time. Or my favorite of dont worry there is someone out there just for me. I lift my chin and straighten my panties and my mind says itll all work out when it's meant to be. That doesnt mean my heart does.

It wants to take a moment and have a mini pity party. It wants to pout and have a complete come part tantrum. Pound its chambers and say what about me! But hasnt or at least not as of yet.

Oh to only have someone look at me as others look at theirs.

So the mind starts to self evaluate.

To find a place and purpose in the what or where I will am or will become.

To figure out what in my life is acting as a wall to finding my way to that place.

To keep faith that someone is out there that will take me as I am or even with a little tweaking without either side feeling like we are settling.

To stop focusing on all the time that has passed me by but work with the time I have left to find complete my circle.

I am happy truly happy for yall that have what you have. And I mean that with all my being. Minus a small portion of that twingey heart that , in all honesty, is a little bit of envy with a side of jealousy, a dollop of self pity and a smidge of frustration. That recipe will never get me anywhere fast.

So now I'll be starting to refocusing on finding my own White Rabbit to take me to my own Wonderland. Where my heart can finally twitch for other maddening reasons.

 

 

 

 

SouthernFire​(sub female) - Friendly hug. I too feel the same. In time one will come into your path.
4 years ago
Satindragon{N/A} - They sometimes turn up.when you least expect it. Had I given up, i wouldn't have my Sir. 💜Hugs💜
I hope you find the one for you.
4 years ago

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