Today hasn't been a bad day all things considered. So sitting here and suddenly feeling a ton of mental and emotional bricks hit me. Any given day, I am use to one or two trying to make there way at me and I have gotten pretty good at dodging or deflecting them. Usually just a change of surroundings or activity and I can shake them off. I see them coming or can anticipate the direction they may come from and proceed to prepare process the cause of their arrival to lessen the impact on my mind.
Today, was not such a day. Maybe because today had turned out better than I had made the above preparations to handle. Either way or whatever reason I sit here completely blindsided by the emotional wave of bricks that have descended upon, within and encased my thoughts.
I have already thrown and slid some back and out of my mind. But a few more than usual are still there weighing me down. A few of them I recognize as ones that I have deflected before. I realize now that in deflecting them I didn't actually deal with them and now they have returned wanting their due. The problem is I still don't have the answers to put them to bed or the strength to deflect them. So now they are here trying to cement themselves into the wall of doubts inside myself.
There is a new one though, and together with the others I find myself in the rock and hard place of that quickly forming wall. The leverage I need to move the rock requires more room than the wall allows but in turn the wall requires the same to gain the space to deal with either. So I am mentally stuck. Emotionally drained.
On the positive I am not rock bottom, just stuck in limbo between what I need and where I need to go to move forward. So there is that.
So I will continue to process this dilemma one brick at a time. Cautiously keeping an eye open for more bricks looking to further weigh me down.
Yeah, there is that.