Weekends test me in everyway! They are looked forward to by everyone around me and I cant stand them. There is to much down time for me. Home is crazy to catch up on all the things I didnt get done during the week, mindless tasks that dont keep my mind busy. The littles in my house are off the wall because they want to be out doing something to not understanding I only have a short time to get everything done before they have to go to the other parents home on Sunday. Again there is to much time and I get lost in my head a lot.
When I am at work things just happen, I dont over think who I am or who I belong to. I dont question what I will be doing that day because I know. The weekend ugh not my favorite time. I question everything, get lost in my thoughts and most of them are doubting me. Am I good enough am I making enough progress do I make him happy. This weekend I hoped would be different because during the week I had a wall break down.
The bad part with this is my brain decided to get on board on a Friday. Well lets just say I have been fighting a battle in my head all day today to not start building it back up. Some how Friday He was able to get me to verbally say what I wanted not text it but out loud say what I wanted. Something I would never do. This changed a lot for me. It showed me that its better than ok to tell him what I want. It doesnt make me different or crazy it makes me honest. I felt different inside and showed it outside. I walked with more pride, I could tell people were looking at me and I didnt care (this is something I do care about I dont want to be noticed) Friday I knew I am HIS!!
So today I have had the battle of not building the wall, trying to do the little things around the house to keep myself from stacking the bricks. Not being able to talk to him as much as I do during the week doesnt help. I am so thankful for having the moment I did and I dont want to go back. Chris you are by far one of the best things to walk into my life. I know what I have and what I want to be for you. I promise you if the wall is built it will only be a short one as I dont want anything between us.
For those of you who have been there or are in the same place, our walls kept us safe in our day to day. The thing I learned friday is I dont need the wall to be safe, I need him. Remember you build the walls you can bring them down and who knows what little dark places will be opened when you take them down. So here is to our journey and the walls coming down. Something else I learned its not real till you verbally say it. Even text and emails still give you a way to hide.