As I sit in front of my house waiting for the rebuild team to come in today (was supposed to be here at 8... it's now 10...) I have had entirely too much time to think.
Awhile ago I posted about my Little side. How I have been fighting to keep her locked up and not letting her show. Well last night I had a major break down. And it was hard... very hard.
I couldn't stop crying. All I wanted was my panda blanket, which unforunately is at my house, and cuddles. I couldn't stop. Couldn't figure out why I had broken down, that is... until this morning.
Since my house has flooded I haven't given myself time to be well me. I haven't gone into my little space at all. So for a month and a half now I have fought her off. Than last night I broke. I cried and cried for hours. Woke up this morning with my face feeling crusty and gross. But I also felt tons better.
I didn't realize how much my little side has been hurting with everything going on. We can't bake like we want too. Can't curl up and watch all our Disney movies with our panda blanket. She was hurt and confused... I was hurt and confused...
But the release that came from it was amazing. I still fight to accept that side of me. Every day I do. But I think I'm going to stop fighting it. As best as I can anyway. I might just let her free and who cares who sees?
But than I also come to the part where I am scared... terrified actually of others judging me. Ever since I was little (actually young aged) my mother always told me I need to grow up. Those words are very hard to get out of my head. I can't act this way I need to grow up.
It's causing a much bigger conflict than I would like to admit within myself and I have to take it a day at a time. If any other Littles have advice on this I would greatly appreciate it.
Always be kind.
*hugs*
Pandabear
