I guess that it shouldn't be surprising that on such a busy day, when i have time to myself, my mind kicks in and sad thoughts seep through. But i also relish these times. I almost like missing him because it still means in some strange way i am connected. And I sit and wonder if he misses me too. If he is aching like I am. Or if I am not even given the pleasure of being a fleeting thought. Cause I think of him when I wake, when I dress, when I make my tea the way he likes, when I hear the birds, when I think of something that I instantly want to share but can't. So today I have had a good day. But now in the silence I can not silence my mind.
So I turn to my medicine. To making my body hurt in a good way to try push out the bad. Lift more, run faster, push harder and as my weight plates say do it Again Faster. To turn my rough emotional seas to a calming ocean.
There is nothing to regret, there is no hate. I wanted a chance to be lead and to grow and that is exactly what happened. Growth is not always easy. Actually usually it is uncomfortable, almost painful but for this i thank you. I miss you like crazy but i thank you.
