tallslenderguy(other male)

blah, blah, blog

Thanks to Ingénue{Círdan} there is a recent spate of blogs in THE CAGE, written by males... mostly "Dom males." my first thought is they are not so much suddenly sold on the idea of blogging as they can't resist their instinctual (natural?) urge to rise... to a challenge? Time may tell.

i get to proudly declare that with >360 forum entries (many lengthy), i'm not among the non-writers in the cage, but this is my first blog. Apparently to some, it's 'different for girls'? Pause for musical interjection: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNzzK1dUtCI

As a gay sub i have often wondered if my love of, and propensity for, writing has something to do with my wiring? Is it because i'm gay and it's a result or expression of my feminine side? But then, that stereotype unravels for me because it turns out i am just as frustrated as many women are with their straight guys, by all the gay guys who don't 'blog' (read: "open up and talk about their thoughts and feelings").

Ever that analyst, i have come up with all sorts of reasons for that.

1. Blame the patriarchy. Lol, no really. Cliche aside, i think there is some truth to putting at least partial blame on engrained (patriarchal) cultural conditioning that has trained boys from birth that they are different when it comes to stuff like having feelings and expressing thought and feeling. An irony is how much of that conditioning comes from women (mothers, aunts, teachers) who have internalized patriarchy also conditioned in. i am convinced that a lot of internalized patriarchal influence still flies under the radar, even in a more enlightened era.

2. Biology? Neuropsychiatrist and writer Louann Brizendine has authored two books that look at our biological/brain wiring: "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain." On page six of her book "The Female Brain" she notes: "Under a microscope or an fMRI, the differences between male and female brains are revealed ot be complex and widespread. It the brain enters for language and hearing, for example, women have 11 percent more neurons than men. The principal hub fo both emotion and memory formation-the hippocampus-is also larger in the female brain, as is the brain circuitry for language and observing emotions in others. This means that women are, on average, better at expressing emotions and remembering details of emotional events. Men, by contrast, have two and a half times the brain space devoted to sexual drive as well as larger brain centers for action and aggression." Note: as a scientist, i think Dr Brizendine may overreach a bit with her conclusions, but i think she raises points for further query? She also promises to write a book on "The Gay Brain," which is also different in its physiology.

3. Given the prior two points, i think most men may be handicapped ( both by nature and nurture) when it comes to emotional communication? Which is not to say guys cannot do it. Check out the percentage of authors and screen writers who are men? Which is not to excuse the crime of sexism that has limited female contributions, but to note that it is entirely possible for men to learn how to know and express things like emotion. It may take work, but i think men can learn how to communicate things like emotion, their inner self, even if it doesn't come as naturally to do so.

i was an avid reader as kid. i sensed i was different from most boys and learned how to hide very early on (five or six years old retrospectively). It took till i was about 14 to bury myself for survival. i grew up in a conservative religious household, just to add to the fun and help bury more parts of me. But even as a kid i can remember how frustrated i'd become with my dad, trying to get him to open up and share himself. We didn't do a lot of talking or sharing in our family, so books became my best friends.

Later on in life, i realized that i had developed people reading skills in order to satisfy my need for communication and connection in a family that did not use words. One thing i learned was how a side effect to being in an environment where words were used minimally to communicate was the notion and expectation that others were people readers too. Turns out that people reading can greatly enhance/supplement communication, but on its own (without words), is horribly inadequate. As an aside, i wonder how many guys are stuck in a place where they assume (unconsciously) that people/mind reading is an adequate thing? That people know more about them than they have actually revealed?

i began learning how to communicate when i married. Initially i would get very frustrated with my wife, assuming she knew how i thought or felt about a thing, even though i had not adequately communicated. i'd actually get angry with her, assuming she was toying with me. The funny thing is, i quickly surpassed her when it came to communication her once i realized i had to use words.

Turned out i was less afraid of being open and vulnerable, and the tables turned. With me it was ignorance that kept me from communicating, with her it was fearful hiding. So, a word of warning to the self protective out there looking for communicating mates, be careful what you ask for.

"conditioning, training..."

3 years ago. October 28, 2020 at 4:25 PM

i am thinking about "conditioning, training (and the darker version grooming?) in a D/s dynamic. i think about this pretty often as guy who is deeply into 'mind fuck' (that has no negative connotation for me).

One of the attributes i am strongly drawn to in a Dom/Top is their creative nature. That's a sort of double entendre to me, i see "creative" as a natural drive to 'procreate' (their self) in another. i also see it from the sort of artistic stance, where a Dom/Top is into creating different ways to, well, create, affect, mark, sign, etc., His/Her sub/bottom.

i currently do not think a Dom/Top "makes" a sub/bottom as part of that creative energy, but rather, surfaces and exposes what is there. But i also see where a Dom/Top can mold and change what is there as part of that creative energy. As with other aspects of D/s dynamic, this kind of "molding, conditioning, training, _________" can be a delicate dance.

i think of "hard limits." One of mine is physical pain. i suspect a lot of my attitude towards pain is a result of having a lot of it as a kid. i attracted bullies like carrion attracts flies. As an adult, i compensated by getting a second degree black belt. Don't fuck with me lol. i only sort of begin to understand S/m, but only from a distance... book knowledge. Yet, i confess to having an attraction and arousal about hand spanking. i have never seriously experienced this from a Dom/Top who was really into it, so my attraction is all imaginary. i have zero attraction to the pain part of it, for me, i imagine a Dom/Top who is alternately petting then spanking me, and my arousal/desire is, of course, attached to His. But beyond that generic need/desire in me to please Him, is my more specific need/desire to have his "mark" on me. The idea of Him putting His hand print on my ass is my collaring point in this. So, i can see how hand spanking might be my S/m gateway kink? lol idk. i might find i wouldn't even tolerate the pain of being hand spanked in reality.

Then there are the so called "soft limits." i can see where conditioning could shift and mold me pretty effectively in this area. It would still take a skilled and aware Dom/Top. Nothing shuts me down faster than the presumption of force. One of my example kinks in this category is "watersports" (WS). i was introduced to WS by a long time fuck buddy. We had this set up where he would come in my opened door and find me naked and prone on my bed and He would mount and breed me (usually wordlessly) and leave. Our conversation was by email, but we rarely talked when we got together. we did get to know each other well through our written exchanges though. i offer that explanation as a preface to this: on one occasion, after he had cum deep inside of me, i felt the usual weight of His body relaxing on top of mine, covering me and sort of melding in. i love the sigh and release of a Top when His orgasm and pleasure are transferred from Him and become mine. But He lingered for awhile, which was sort of new. Moments later, i felt his cock twitching inside of me and began to experience a full feeling and realized He was pissing inside of me. At first, i was startled, but He knew me well and knew He could get away with surprising me in this way... and He did. He knew exactly what to say. He whispered: "please? this is so good, i need this." And he had me. my being startled instantly turned into arousal and submission. Before He left, he asked me to hold it in as long as i could so i would absorb him into me. Again, he knew just what to say. i did. The result was, when i peed i could smell His piss mixed with mine. It was a form of impregnation, and He knew my need/desires in that way and used them, surfaced them to 'control' me for His desire. But really, He just skillfully surfaced and linked our diesires/needs.

That experience opened me to "WS" and i have since experienced it in that way and it's a strong psychological/physical collaring place for me. It has also got me thinking and imagining other forms of WS. Taking a Tops piss anally is one thing, but the idea of taking it orally, actually swallowing it leaves me ambivalent. i always have the desire to please a Top/Dom, but that all by itself rarely evokes submission from me. Connect that to a kink in me, and that can become the sort of internal "collar" where a Dom/Top can attach His leash (i.e., his own desire/need).

my "ambivalence" is, on the desire side, i want to please/pleasure my Dom/Top. i also have experienced and been collared by the insemination, impregnation, marking aspects of WS. On the flip side, the idea of drinking piss literally scares me. Not in a health sense, yogi's have been doing stuff like that for centuries. It's a fear of being overwhelmed by the taste, quantity that scares me. i'd also shut down if a Dom/Top did it out of meanness or bullying. The degradation/humiliation aspect has a strong pull for me, but only as it relates to a Dom/Tops affection for me and his need and desire.

So, my imaginary work around is a Dom/Top who gradually, patiently "conditions, trains (molds?)" me to drink and swallow His piss from his cock.

To me, this serves as an example of how a Dom/Top can 'change" or "create" something He needs/desires in His sub/bottom.

ribbonbaby{Guarded} - That is a really interesting way to view training.. far more long term gentle training than immediate.. I can easily see that type of training happening. I can also understand the need to please being the catalyst for those types of changes. Thanks for sharing 😊

3 years ago

tallslenderguy(other male) - Thank you for your comments MsD. i have experienced Dom/Tops who tapped into my need/desire to please, to submit and got acquiescence, but not the deep submission that equates to a sort of possessing me. It's like they have my hand, but not my heart. i respond deeply to primal need/desire... when it's civilized lol.

3 years ago

slaveMikayla(sub female){MstrJ } - This is one of the single best pieces of writing on this site that I've read outside of a few theory posts. #1 props to you for being so open and honest. Thank you for sharing this thought process.
I resonate with every last little bit, and because you have been so transparent I'm going to go way way way out on a limb and do so as well. *skeered*

First off, i ADORE your use of the word creative as in procreating them self in or on you. WOW is that powerful. Secondly your use of the term collaring here as a verb in an active sense related to action, this is so incredibly powerful. I'm going to be thinking on this one for a long while. Well done!

Now to the uncomfortable part. Hi there. I see you. I do believe we have a fair few things in common. I absolutely completely understand your view of conditioning and how it can be used to gently link your own thoughts and desires to your Dominant's. Your explanation of how he whispered specific words which immediately made that connection which then forged that connection moving forward.
That was expertly done and yes, truly creative.
I've been through similar creative conditioning experiences which have forever altered my own wants, needs, and desires. Namely; WS.
This is something that I've only ever spoken about with *one* person. My own personal internal kink leanings lead me to understand very much your statement that "i love the sigh and release of a Top when His orgasm and pleasure are transferred from Him and become mine." yep. I get this. I derive a significant amount of pleasure from my Dominant's own pleasure. Another one of my internal drives is to be of service. To take care of.
One of my exDominants who was equally creative worked over a period of time to link all of these things. I, like you, do not have an internal need or attraction to pain. I personally also do not have any need or desire to be humiliated or degraded. These would not be the things to link to. He was a brilliant man though, and his own needs revolved around me being of service to absorb even that from him. To derive pleasure from being of service to him in this way. I was very very very nervous about it at first as well, (for all of the reasons you stated) but he was incredibly good at helping me get acclimated.
It was never about degrading me, it was never about humiliating me, it was never seen as something gross or dirty.
For me, I was able to get acclimated to the taste pretty quickly (and that was actually part of the service aspect. It became part of my job to be sure that he was well hydrated so that it WASNT an issue.) The sense of overwhelm with volume is pretty easy to get used to as well if you are *creative*. Think of different ways to be able to take in 8 oz of liquid with force behind it. Squirt bottles work relatively well. Start with something you enjoy drinking then move to other things ;)
Thank you for discussing this openly. I really really respect your mind and your bravery.

~Faith

3 years ago

tallslenderguy(other male) - Wow, Faith, thank you so much for your kind words of affirmation. Also, thank you for your own courage. i've had the benefit of losing everything (literally) in the past, and not only surviving, but finding life and peace as a result. Vulnerability is less scary to me as a result. i think the fear of fear can be more deleterious than fear itself, so i dive in. But it is always a joy (and relief lol) when others join in the swim.
The "procreating" and "collaring" terms are born out of my search for ways to articulate what i deeply feel, what's there. i am constantly searching for ways to communicate and connect the deep places between us. It thrills me to no end that those terms resonate with you.
As to WS. Eek, lol, yeah, i had to fight my own fears to share that stuff and so appreciate your openness and affirmation in this. For me, there are so many angles to this once one gets past the conditioned barriers against it.
For me, a Top/Dom's piss is a very close second to his cum in potency and effect IF and when He is connected to it as such. And for me, that is key. It's not like i have an attraction to piss in and of itself, for me, it is what it can represent. It's something He makes with His body that He can impart. Couple that to His own deeper psychological need/desire to 'procreate," and i am "collared." i see that primal need in His eyes, and i am His willing captive.
The degradation/humilation appeal was mysterious for the longest time, and then i had an epiphany of sorts after having looked at this for a long time. If a Dom/Top (or anyone for that matter) is mean or bullying to me, i shut down. i am not the least bit open to them or that. When degradation/humilation is born out of my Dom/Tops need/desire, it becomes a very different thing for me. Couple that with affection, and He owns me. What i discovered is, the feelings of degradation and humiliation (in this and some other cases) are conditioned emotional responses, instilled in me from an early age by the culture/s i grew up in. The reason i am aroused and collared is because He is really attaching too and surfacing my own need/desire. So while it evokes feelings of embarrassment, humiliation and degradation, it is simultaneously deeply affirming.
Another example of this is i sometimes refer to myself as a "cock sucker." Just writing that now evokes those similar feelings. Despite all the cultural advances we have made in the last few decades, that term is still often used pejoratively. And my emotional response is a deeply conditioned one. But the term can still be deeply affirming for me. When i use it, and i spot a look in guys eyes, that is primal, that He cannot cover, where His deeply hidden need/desire for a cock sucker is momentarily exposed. Damn, it's worth it lol.

3 years ago

slaveMikayla(sub female){MstrJ } - I absolutely understand what you mean with regards to your own desire being tied to theirs and this is something that I also experience. Though my own "hidden need/desire" is different to your own, I completely understand your concept. It's lovely to meet you. I'll keep an eye out on your blog from now on.

3 years ago

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tallslenderguy​(other male)

blah, blah, blog

"conditioning, training..."

tallslenderguy(other male)