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Thanks to Ingénue{Círdan} there is a recent spate of blogs in THE CAGE, written by males... mostly "Dom males." my first thought is they are not so much suddenly sold on the idea of blogging as they can't resist their instinctual (natural?) urge to rise... to a challenge? Time may tell.

i get to proudly declare that with >360 forum entries (many lengthy), i'm not among the non-writers in the cage, but this is my first blog. Apparently to some, it's 'different for girls'? Pause for musical interjection: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNzzK1dUtCI

As a gay sub i have often wondered if my love of, and propensity for, writing has something to do with my wiring? Is it because i'm gay and it's a result or expression of my feminine side? But then, that stereotype unravels for me because it turns out i am just as frustrated as many women are with their straight guys, by all the gay guys who don't 'blog' (read: "open up and talk about their thoughts and feelings").

Ever that analyst, i have come up with all sorts of reasons for that.

1. Blame the patriarchy. Lol, no really. Cliche aside, i think there is some truth to putting at least partial blame on engrained (patriarchal) cultural conditioning that has trained boys from birth that they are different when it comes to stuff like having feelings and expressing thought and feeling. An irony is how much of that conditioning comes from women (mothers, aunts, teachers) who have internalized patriarchy also conditioned in. i am convinced that a lot of internalized patriarchal influence still flies under the radar, even in a more enlightened era.

2. Biology? Neuropsychiatrist and writer Louann Brizendine has authored two books that look at our biological/brain wiring: "The Female Brain" and "The Male Brain." On page six of her book "The Female Brain" she notes: "Under a microscope or an fMRI, the differences between male and female brains are revealed ot be complex and widespread. It the brain enters for language and hearing, for example, women have 11 percent more neurons than men. The principal hub fo both emotion and memory formation-the hippocampus-is also larger in the female brain, as is the brain circuitry for language and observing emotions in others. This means that women are, on average, better at expressing emotions and remembering details of emotional events. Men, by contrast, have two and a half times the brain space devoted to sexual drive as well as larger brain centers for action and aggression." Note: as a scientist, i think Dr Brizendine may overreach a bit with her conclusions, but i think she raises points for further query? She also promises to write a book on "The Gay Brain," which is also different in its physiology.

3. Given the prior two points, i think most men may be handicapped ( both by nature and nurture) when it comes to emotional communication? Which is not to say guys cannot do it. Check out the percentage of authors and screen writers who are men? Which is not to excuse the crime of sexism that has limited female contributions, but to note that it is entirely possible for men to learn how to know and express things like emotion. It may take work, but i think men can learn how to communicate things like emotion, their inner self, even if it doesn't come as naturally to do so.

i was an avid reader as kid. i sensed i was different from most boys and learned how to hide very early on (five or six years old retrospectively). It took till i was about 14 to bury myself for survival. i grew up in a conservative religious household, just to add to the fun and help bury more parts of me. But even as a kid i can remember how frustrated i'd become with my dad, trying to get him to open up and share himself. We didn't do a lot of talking or sharing in our family, so books became my best friends.

Later on in life, i realized that i had developed people reading skills in order to satisfy my need for communication and connection in a family that did not use words. One thing i learned was how a side effect to being in an environment where words were used minimally to communicate was the notion and expectation that others were people readers too. Turns out that people reading can greatly enhance/supplement communication, but on its own (without words), is horribly inadequate. As an aside, i wonder how many guys are stuck in a place where they assume (unconsciously) that people/mind reading is an adequate thing? That people know more about them than they have actually revealed?

i began learning how to communicate when i married. Initially i would get very frustrated with my wife, assuming she knew how i thought or felt about a thing, even though i had not adequately communicated. i'd actually get angry with her, assuming she was toying with me. The funny thing is, i quickly surpassed her when it came to communication her once i realized i had to use words.

Turned out i was less afraid of being open and vulnerable, and the tables turned. With me it was ignorance that kept me from communicating, with her it was fearful hiding. So, a word of warning to the self protective out there looking for communicating mates, be careful what you ask for.
3 years ago. November 10, 2020 at 6:46 PM

Mind readers.

 i have been talking to a Dom guy online (from another place that is gay and has more than a few token gay folk lol). i like him a lot, and i think some of that feeling is mutual, idk.   We've been talking for a few days now, and i am in love. [laughing] fuck.  Feelings can be so stupid... and rich and intense.  Anyway, that is not what this is about. 

We wrote back and forth on the site we are on. i think part of my feminine side is the need/desire for communication? Give me a little encouragement and i will write a mini series back at you and drown you before you know what hit you (any women out there waving their hands and saying "me too"?).  But during our written exchange, he alluded to how "... a sub should be able to sense what his Dom wants and how he feels" (paraphrasing), and a little red flag went up in me. Not the size of the one flying over the Kremlin, more like the one you find in a cup cake during a celebration. The kind you just pull out and set aside before devouring the cup cake.  i was in devouring mode on this one.

As my notes got longer and more numerous, at one point he said: "this is getting ridiculous" then in the next he wrote: "My number is xxxxxxxxxx. Send me your number so I can add it to my contacts."  Those are verbatim. So i picked up my phone and put his info in my contacts and sent him a text as a way of giving him my number.  i set my phone aside and went back to the site, then about a minute later looked at my phone and realized he had called me twice and gone to voice mail (he didn't leave a message).  So, i immediately called him back and his first response was to imply that i was ignoring him. When i explained my ringer was off (i had just had an annoying iphone update and it changed my settings), he didn't believe me. His attitude took me by surprise. i guess it's a part of the times we live in where mistrust is so high?  He then explained how his sending me his number was an invitation to call him. i repeated to him what he had written and explained that my text was how i sent the contact info he wanted, that he had not asked for a phone call, think i added that i am not a mind reader, how would i know he expected a phone call.

Bottom line is, i don't think he saw what i was talking about and i think he remained convinced that somehow i had ignored his calls (even though i returned them in less than 2 minutes) and that i disregarded an invitation to call him in the first place. i am bothered by the thought that that idea is filed away in his brain as part of the picture he is forming of me rather than him taking me at my word. i sort of get it, we just met, so he trusts himself more than he trusts me. 

We talked for 3 hours, laughed a lot, i really like him. Tied in with the conversation and subsequent written exchanges, i am still getting the feeling he wants me to know more about him than he has actually articulated (aka "mind read").  i tried to broach the topic, saying stuff like: "yeah, when a couple has been together for awhile and they get to know each other, some things don't have to be spoken."   But i still have this eery feeling that he want's me to 'know' what he wants or how he feels without him having to actually say it. And that concerns me. 

i grew up in a family of non communicators. my response was to lose myself in books. I was a reader from an early age, consuming books when i was eight or nine years old. They became my friends.  i remember trying to continuously engage my father as a kid, to no avail (he was my first encounter with an insta dom who only uses 4 word sentences to express their deepest feelings...kidding... sort of).  my dad was a great guy, never abusive, provided well, so much better than his dad who abandoned him as a one year old). He was just quiet, incommunicado.  And he had a little gay kid who LOVED to communicate and turn over every thought or feeling and examine it every which way (lol, poor guy).  

The result was, i grew up having to figure out what the important people in my life were thinking and feeling. i became a 'mind reader.'  i even bought a book titled "People Reading" when i was 13.  i actually got pretty good at reading people, but the reality is, no one can read minds. i was wrong as often as i was right, but i didn't  realize. This was my 'normal', i didn't realize that people actually could speak and share their thoughts and feelings. Haha, okay, this is retrospective understanding, but that was pretty much the way it was. 

i got married at an early age (i was a kid still, had a lot of growing up to do). The first couple of years were so hard. Besides being gay and religiously repressed by my beliefs, i also had this mind reading handicap.  i would get frustrated and angry (read: "hurt"), when my wife would look at me and say she did not realize how i felt or thought about certain things, things i thought she knew... but had never actually articulated to her.

Turns out mind readers not only think they know what others are thinking or their intent, they expect the same from others (and they expect it to be spot on). All of this was not on a conscious level for me, it was just my 'normal,' it was all i knew. 

The funny thing is, when i had my epiphany and realized how communication works, it was as if a life time of bottled up stuff was uncapped. i turned out to be the more communicative one in my marriage (she was afraid to be open, extremely smart, just hidden). And now the poor guys who connect with me often get the full force of my desire/need to communicate and connect.

Of course, i (we) still have no control over the other person. i think it's one of the bigger impediments to relationship that i see discussed on this site (i.e. communication, or the lack thereof).  

i think part of this is due to the fact that many guys have had similar experience as myself, especially from older generations.  It's changing, but guys are often culturally conditioned to hide their feelings. Hell, guys are often taught that "men are rational and women are emotional."  When i became a nurse, a mostly female dominated profession, i found out that the women i interacted with were often far more rational than the men i had interacted with when i was in executive management.  i think men are just as emotional as women (though the feelings may be different), but they are taught to bury their feelings, not be aware of their feelings.

Men often don't even know their feelings and associated thoughts exist, let alone know how to express them. But i believe they are there none the less, and men want to be known, understood and loved as much as women... but i think a lot of men are stuck in the mind reading loop.

i should qualify that i don't think this is just a guy thing, though maybe more prevalent among guys?  I've experienced it as a guy and am more familiar with it with guys, so this particular blog entry is slanted that way. i don't want to come off as absolutist on this, i am not.  i have met more than a few women who expect mind reading as well.  i don't think its an exclusive thing, matched to gender. 

Max Heathen​(other male) - My suggestion: have your possible mates take the Myers-Briggs personality test. EN or IN will be the first to letters... one or the other, that you are looking for. EN = extrovert, Intuitive. (Intuitive is the "mind reading") extroverts tend to articulate better & will tell you why they feel you are "thinking/feeling" the way they believe you are. On who has honed their skills in intuition tend to be right far more than not, though the recipient will deny it out of embarrassment or fear. Extroverts also understand they MAY be wrong, hence they are talking about it.
Based from what you posted, avoid IN = Introvert, Intuitive... Introverts tend to struggle with articulating and feel like "you should know" hence their form of intuition may be right but they just get upset instead of talking about it. All results have 4 letters, the last two are also important but for now, pay attention to the first two letters if you use this system.
3 years ago
Sasa​(dom female) - How funny. I am IN... I am able to communicate, I am clear, I can do all what I shouldn't be able to. I did the test more than once, cause I thought it's kind of stupid. Chosing or avoiding people because of a test is like believing in Astrology. We are all different Max ;-) No matter what a test says
3 years ago
OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} - I feel not quite, you can also be ES or IS - I think N types are pretty good at articulation, though you are right about introverts possibly needing process time. I think the IS types are the hardest to articulate and be forthcoming with their thoughts, mainly when they are feelin based... get an IN talking about process... try and shut us up! but that is not what this is about. xD
3 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - LOL, I'm in total agreeance with IN talking about process!! I get my Angelbunny going, doing just that.
3 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - No it's not a perfect system, I didn't claim it to be, but its better than throwing lawn darts blinding into the night sky and hoping you hit the right star if you just try harder. Please note the word "Tend". Just so its understood that I do love feed back, however keep in mind that if you feel the need to disagree, I do not mind but at least offer something better than what I'm suggesting. I'm offering help that can work better than "Don't do, don't try, don't attempt something." I'm advocating that nothing about his inability to read minds has to do with him, nor is it his issue that they can not convey in clear communication, what they are saying.
Though I don't know tallslenderguy personally, I take it at face value by his writings that he already knows that everybody is an individual and the advice I'm offering is a general guide line. He's not 12, and I'm not going to treat him as such.
Y'all have a wonderful rest of the day! ^_^
3 years ago
tallslenderguy​(other male) - Damn, i wrote a reply to this and it doesn't seem to have recorded? i hope i am not being redundant here. i love MB profiling and have used it a lot starting back in the 80's and until now. Of course, nothing is absolute or perfect, but i have found MB to often be very accurate and is certainly helpful as a foundation to build on, information to discuss and examine. I think this is a great idea and i have asked Him if He has an MB profile and/or have provided a site where He can get one if He is interested. Thank you for the idea!
3 years ago
tallslenderguy​(other male) - Haha, He took the profile test, He's ENFP-A.
3 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - lol, I'm a little surprised by that and ponder if he answered truthfully or how he perceives himself, but either way, hopefully he'll learn to communicate instead of expecting you to know shit without ever saying a word. (especially in such a short time.) I wish you the best of luck.
3 years ago
Bunnie - This is an unusual response for me, it’s very rare that I “interfere” in people’s journeys beyond sharing my own experiences. This I guess is still a response from experience, however, of a different kind.
I think the fact that this has triggered such retrospection for you, suggests that the one “little red flag” that popped up around his “mind reader” thing, may suggest that there are other red flags attached to that for you that you may be either looking past or not seeing at the moment.
I too come from similar circumstances, and people like that were my comfort zone... I’m not sure if you recognise the power exchange “game” that occurs around the whole “you need to read my mind” mentality, but it’s not really a very healthy one. It kind of sets you up to always fail, which is what gives that person their feeling of power... they derive their “power” by keeping you off kilter (they may not even be aware they do it... but that is not a cry to save them).
Obviously you like him, and I’ve no doubt that you’re smart enough to look out for yourself... please just be careful... those kinds of mind games aren’t the fun kind and can really do some damage.
3 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - Also, what she said. ^^ ^^
3 years ago
Sasa​(dom female) - this is an extremly important advice, also for me! Thank you Bunnie
3 years ago
OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} - Also remember, these people who want you to read their mind, at that point also have the control to change their mind once you guess. So you will quickly be in a situation of never being right, if they don't want you to be. Not the D/s control that is healthy.
3 years ago
tallslenderguy​(other male) - Dear Bunnie, thank you for taking the time and care to share your thoughts and feelings. One of my few nods to astrology is i am a libra and looking for balance is indeed intrinsic to my personality. While i'm a great believer in the practice of vulnerability, life has trimmed my sails enough to where i try not to sail to fast in the dark. It's a balancing act, and easy enough to fall off the beam, eh? Yes, and thank you, i agree it's always good to be aware of (and hopefully identify) those who play with power exchange as a "game." Tricky stuff in a D/s dynamic, where power exchange is a sought after thing. Sage advice to see it and (fucking run) step away before it becomes a relational pattern. i've got a ton of experience with subtle manipulative personality in intimate relationship... it burned a lesson into me and i'm (usually) pretty good at saying "no, you are wrong about me on this." i did that with him and time will tell how he took it. If he has put a false picture of me in his album, or shows signs of making such a collection, i'm outta there. i was with this kind of person for 31 years, i've learned my lesson... though i was obviously a very slow learner lol. sigh. i did ultimately learn though, very deeply, and have not been caught in that trap since (going on 12 years). "Hello, my name is tallslenderguy, and i'm a recovering power game pawn."
3 years ago
tallslenderguy​(other male) - I’m at work doing some CME stuff, some great comments, wish I could write more now. I took my first Myers Briggs class/test during the 80’s, I think it is often on the mark. I’m INFJ-A, it fits
3 years ago

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