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Priest of Sanguine

Tales of what helped create me, out of order, and no animals were hurt in the creating of this blog!
Most Tales are based on my real life with Fantasy and/or Fiction included to protect identities as well as enjoyment for
those reading. Names like "Bunny, Rabbit, Squirrel" or variation thereof, are not referencing actual Cage member names.
Its how I view my Prey from the stand point of a Primal and Hunter.
If Cage member names are use: 1) it's with their consent. 2) will have ^ before & after the name.

All Stories told are unique and your comments are greatly enjoyed so please do comment.

For those who play Skyrim: Priest of Sanguine is not a reference to the game its a reference to my life style choice ^,..,^
Go grab a drink, maybe a snack, sit back and enjoy the Tales that I delight in telling... even the hard ones.

TMI

2 years ago. April 16, 2021 at 5:49 PM

Disclaimer: I'm 50yr old, analytical and poly, seeking our partner to fulfill our V or Triad.  The following is seeking information that perhaps can spark a new idea or approach for me.

There is many people on Cage I have respect for (even those who have me blocked lol) so I decided to ask your opinion and maybe glean from past experiences.  So:

I'm sure TMI (too much information) varies from person to person and myself personally would like to learn things in phases as I get to know a potential partner.

However, even despite my efforts and requests there is this overwhelming need to tell me everything because they FEEL I NEED to know.  However in this process of dumping out all the trash on my mental lawn, they completely fail to grasp that I don't need to know that stuff yet.  It sends up all kinds of flags to me and I'm sure that wasn't the intention.

Is it because I'm paying legitimate attention that its seen as I'm a psychologist or guardian of the heart?

What causes this need to tell when I have expressed no desire to hear or ability to do anything with?

For me this happens within a week or two and shortly thereafter (due to now feeling vulnerable most likely.) They want to argue or force a reaction that ends the possibility of relationship. 

 

Thus far I've had the longest amount of success stating:

"In time I may want to know all your past, but right now I just want to get to know the person who is before me so if I'm not specifically asking for details about your past please don't tell me.  Ok?" 

Usually they agree with no problem and some even express relief, yet BLAAAAAAH... There it is...

Any pointer on avoiding this?

Anybody want to own up to telling TMI and perhaps explain why you feel the need to tell so much?

The purpose of this blog is to learn.  Pool knowledge, share experience that may assist.

With that in mind, be respectful of others options, methods, or thoughts.

 

Thx,

Max

LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - As someone who used to "dump" on others whether friend or potentially a future partner. I learned that for ME it was because I was never taught the art of emotional boundaries for myself. I would lay it all out on the table so to speak in hopes that "someone" would "choose" me. Because in my head by dumping I viewed it as being transparent. When in reality they had not earned that space in my life from day two or week two.

I have since learned to have and hold those emotional boundaries for myself. For myself.

Now I sit back an observe how the other individuals show up. Do they have standards for themselves? Do their values align with mine? Do they respect my boundaries in all areas? Do they respect me as an individual. Are they self aware of their own traumas? Are they emotionally available to themselves? Do their words and actions line up? How patient are they? Etc

Because lets be real. Not everyone is willing to take the time to honor what feels comfortable to the other individual when it comes to sharing vulnerable and intimate information. Not everyone truly wants to get to know you for the human being that you are.

If you are someone who is gifted in being able to see, understand and make others feel safe and comfortable simply by your presence, they will open up to you.
Although as you clearly expressed you have a boundary around this for yourself. Which you state to other's. It seems as though they may struggle to have the same boundaries for themselves.
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - Ty, LilAmethyst. Well worded as always when you write
2 years ago
LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - Awww, thank you Max. 😊
2 years ago
Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} - Personally, I feel it may be the point you actually say "I may want to know..." Straight up. It plants the seed and that grows until the verbal diarrhea comes out. Maybe not say it, and if they start, you stop and say "no". This is not the time. They will sit in that, I would hope, until the time is right.

I usually am an open book as to who I am today. I am very guarded of my past. The times I have opened up are usually slow and purposeful. So not much help in that. I am interested to see others comments.

Great blog! I appreciate these very much! Thanks for posting. 🌼
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - You're welcome and I appreciate the comments. There is usually something in another's perception that helps. Thanks!!
2 years ago
L a r s​(dom male) - "Is it because I'm paying legitimate attention that its seen as I'm a psychologist or guardian of the heart?"

Yup.

A lot of folks forget that doms can get uncomfortable, and have boundaries too.

Some folks want to treat their dom, or sub as a master key to everything that's locked off from them in life. But your dom is not your therapist. Your sub isn't a substitute for having your life in order.

Folks just need to stop putting square pegs in round holes. Hopefully, this (well written) post sheds some light for some folks.
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - Thx Lars, it does feel that way at times. Appreciate you responding
2 years ago
sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} - both of my Dom's in my short life have always said "I'll tell you what I want to know
and at some point both have said "that not for me to solve it's for you to solve" Mari
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - Lol, sounds like something I've said before to my ^AngelBunny^ "that not for me to solve it's for you to solve"
Thx for the insight. Perhaps I should edit that to something viable to a slave potential.
2 years ago
sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} - be my guest sir
2 years ago
Bunnie - For an introvert like me, it’s exhausting going through the process of meeting people and being “extracted” piece by piece. So, I began to dump the whole truckload of what they may be digging for, in one load, to kill off that curiosity as quickly as possible. Rolling over quickly helped get rid of those who just want a puzzle to figure out, or who were simply looking for a challenge. I guess you could say that “dumping” became a way of either vetting or simply scaring people away.
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - So for you. Its intentionally done... interesting. Depending on the dump, this may be something to take under consideration.
Ty, Bunnie!!
2 years ago
Bunnie - Intentional... yes and no. It’s my defenses (weird defenses, I know).
2 years ago
LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - Bunnie I am curious if "dumping" is your way of seeing if they can handle the depth and intensity that is you? 😉
2 years ago
Bunnie - LilAmethyst, for me it’s more about seeing how important “my story” is to them, as opposed to who I actually am as a person.
2 years ago
LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - That's an interesting approach Bunnie. Thank you for sharing 💞
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - While for the most part, I can handle the dump, there is always 2 that cause me pause due to it being outside my scope of training. Rape & child molestation.
1) I haven't a clue how to respond as I rarely "feel" sympathy or empathy and saying sorry for something I didn't do seems lifeless and insufficient to the trauma.
2) There is so many variables in trying to walk a path wherein the triggers are like landmines.
With that said, I try not to let that determine where I stand with them but as stated: within 2 days they poof or want to fight. Neither of which am I prepared to deal with only a couple weeks in. I have my AngelBunny to consider and she is also Introverted and mentally exhaust when dealing with issues too long so while I'm asking for my knowledge it's for her protection and mental wellbeing. I don't want to introduce her into a relationship until I'm seeing stability. So if I could find a way to slow this kind of dump, maybe I'd find a way to give a better opportunity for a lasting relationship.
2 years ago
LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - Max are you open to hearing my thoughts and perspectives of ways to try to approach spaces like this?
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - Of course, it's why I made the blog.
2 years ago
LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - From my perspective when someone shares their trauma or a space that is extremely vulnerable for them. I have found it helpful to express something along the lines as "I am so sorry to hear that you experienced such a traumatic experience that must have been truly difficult for you?" I do not feel that using the word "sorry" in this context means that I am apologizing TO them for something that "I" did. It is my way of showing empathy to what they maybe feeling. I see it as a way of showing them that their feelings are valid and that they are allowed to express whatever they feel surrounding such. Now that does not give them a free pass to lash out or try to project their unconscious pain onto me or those around them. This is where I have emotional boundaries around such. For me it comes back to how aware are they of their emotional triggers around these traumatizing events?

Because if they are unable or unwilling to tske responsibility, own their own pain and put forth the effort to do the inner work to heal those pieces within themselves....then unfortunately we would just simply not be a good fit. That does not make them a bad person. Nor does it make me a less than understanding or patient person. Nope, for me it's the honesty behind knowing what I need and want within the context of my relationship and courageously standing firm in that. For myself.

I have had my fair share of trying to "dodge" those types of landmines in my past relationships and that shit is exhausting. Therefore today I am confident in holding to my standards here.
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - I'm not sure I'm comfortable with faking the empathy due to the type of trauma but for surely it's no different than how I do it a funerals. I'll give it a shot when if it happens yet again... seems I draw it like a moth to the flame.
2 years ago
LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - Max may I ask you why it is that you view that as "faking" it?

Is it because you are not able to "feel" or "understand" where they are coming from. Therefore, you deem that as being "fake"?

Something else that you might consider when they do share something vulnerable like that with you. Is replying with thank you for trusting me with your vulnerability. Although I admit that this is uncharted territory for me. However, I am able to hold a space and just listen if that is what you feel would be supportive for you in this moment?
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - That is correct as to why I view it as faking. I can read body language that tells me when to say things I know is "right" because its soft to their ears and bring ease to their mind. However I'm faking. I don't "feel" sorrow for those outside my immediate life. Even then its rarely a thing that would drive a strong emotion like crying. It's just not logical to me. I can't respond, protect, or provide if I myself am in a mental purging. Plus... its exhausting as fuck and to me serves little purpose. To many, if one isn't showing a tear or responding the correct way, then it reflects to them that I don't care... I do care, just differently because I'm lacking the depth of emotion or keep them in control.
2 years ago
LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - I hear what you are expressing Max. Although, I would love to encourage you to possibly consider that just because you may not "feel" sorrow does not mean that you are "faking" it when you are simply extending kind words for what they are sharing with you. To ME that is simply extending kindness and compassion to another for having a human experience. From my perspective if another person expresses to you that you do not care simply because you lack what they see as depth of emotion because you do not emote in a certain way......well then is that someone that you with to have as a partner? Because what I hear in that is that they do not truly "see" you.
2 years ago
Bunnie - I would simply be honest. Thank them for sharing, and explain that it leaves you at a bit of a loss as to how to respond or where to go from there. If it’s something you do want to pursue, perhaps you could ask them where they want to go from there. It’s not about finding the “right way” to interact with others... the “right person” will be willing and able to work through whatever is there, with you.
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - This is generally the route I go currently with letting them know I appreciate the honesty but unsure how to respond other than to listen. For me two weeks of on & off hasn't given me enough to say how far I wish to go. I just rely on instinct and intuition. However I wonder what could have been, if I just knew a better way
2 years ago
Bunnie - That’s really cool. I agree, there are always ways to learn how to better address things. You can’t carry all of it though, it is on them to own their stuff as well... but that can also depend on how much self-awareness they already have. Sometimes it’s not until we find ourselves in certain situations that things start to surface, and trying to address those in the beginnings of something potentially new, without seeming like a psycho, can be a tricky line to walk lol. You’ve definitely brought to light a very interesting situation to mull over.
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - Ty for your insight also. All of these responses help me to be a better Master & partner for my Slaves. Y'all have stimulated some ideas and paths for me to flush out & I do appreciate it greatly.
Emotions aren't logical many times so this shit gets slippery for me. 😂😅
2 years ago
LilAmethyst​(sub female){DaddyDrago} - P.s. Emotions will never be "logical" or "rational" it's why they are called "feelings" they are meant to be "felt" not rationalized. ;)
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - Ikr?! 😂😂
2 years ago
AngelBunny - I have told him this very thing! 😄
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - several times😂
2 years ago
CSI - To me, my past is what has made me who I am and has shaped me. I was vetting a couple before Christmas and mentioned something about being a rope bunny. He went off the rails and said he never wanted to hear about my past and if and when he wanted to know anything about my past, he would ask (I did double check your profile to make sure you weren't him). And just went silent for a couple of days. His sub said that she or anyone is not allowed to openly discuss the past. This felt like a personal affront to me, because in my mind if someone doesn't care about my past, then they don't care about what has made me and who I am as a person. Or why I think a certain way. I mean, I didn't go into specific details, and have never thought about it as "dumping trash on someone's mental lawn". At the time, it meant to me that I was excited to share that personal information and that I thought it was relatable to what we were talking about at the time (rigging). So that certainly added another brick to the wall and made me share even less than before.
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - It's not that I don't want to know a persons past, for very much as you said, it's what helped shape them. I prefer to learn in phases. If I can't connect with a person, then their past is not going to matter as much but as a relationship develops, then I do slowly start learning. Their past becomes less like a land mine and I'm able to spot triggers because of time already invested to learn them. Most likely met them and had face to face so I can learn them.
2 years ago
CSI - But if it logically ties in to what you are talking about, why wouldn't it be discussed then?
2 years ago
Max Heathen​(other male) - Because I'm logical, I'll immediately look at the statistic and past experiences. If I don't know the past upfront, they have the opportunity to show me who they are now. If they tell me their past immediately, I simply won't waste my time with something that stands a high change of not succeeding or being a high emotional need. Remember I have AngelBunny to consider in this also and she is of herself a logical but emotional woman who gets drained quickly by others when they are needy. So logically speaking, why would I chase somebody who doesn't match what I'm looking for? Let me know the person they are now. Let me prove out the person they are now, then the past shows their strength, what they have accomplished and overcome. Plus if I am permitted to know the person that they are now, and something triggers, I'll see the triggers when it happen and seek the information so as not to cause it again or find a path whereby the trigger is disarmed. As I said, its not that I don't ever wish to know, just let me learn in phases so I can learn who they are now.
2 years ago
AngelBunny - My Master knows about my past, in fact, he has taken the brunt of my emotions when something triggered me but he didn't hold it against me, he helped me work through it. When he first met me, I actually had on my profile I had a traumatic past, however, I didn't feel the need to tell him the details of it within the first few weeks of meeting him. It also didn't stop him from talking to me. I was feeling him out and seeing if he was someone safe enough to share such things with. When I did tell him, he was understanding and supportive. Before meeting my Master, I had a lot of therapy and worked through a good bit of my trauma. Sometimes something in the present will trigger my past but for the most part, it seems like something far off in the distance and I prefer to not let it define who I am. I'm just another human being who has had a sucky experience just like all other human beings. Obviously, this isn't everyone but often when someone shares too much too soon, they feel overexposed and too vulnerable then they look for a reason or create a reason to pull away. I have been there and done it myself which is why I learned to be more cautious about how much I disclose initially.
2 years ago

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