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Self-absorbed nonsense, tinfoil panty conspiracies, random horseshit, spontaneous out-of-my-ass pullings, and a time or two when I made myself laugh.
Co-founder of ⭐The Elite Dream Team⭐
Co-founder of ⭐The Romantically Horny Club⭐
2 years ago. November 16, 2021 at 5:10 PM

I was having a conversation with my friend B&C about how hard it can be these days to find a dynamic - or any kind of relationship at all - and how sometimes it would be easier to just grab someone vanilla for some fun.
I asked "And what would 'fun' be?"
She made a joke like "Oh, just going on a date and getting laid."
I laughed. "Hahah, 'Dated and Laid.' Now there's a bad country song if I've ever heard of one."

But it stuck with me. It festered. I went all goofy with inspiration.

That song was beggin' to get written. My heard started up swimmin' and my boots started lookin' for some shit to kick.

And before I knew what had happened, this had happened:


Dated and Laid

Went on a date but I didn't get laid
and not 'cuz I didn't try.
I learnt all the sweet things a man s'posed to say
and even told her she could buy.

I'd dug out the cleanest drawers I could find,
aint been wore for no more than a week.
Slapped on my big buckle belt and cologne,
now she'd definite owe me a peek.

Roll'd up the sleeves on my rodeo shirt,
and unbutton'd it down past my chest.
Showin' the hair I been growin' down there figurin'
that'll make her wet for the rest.

She pulled up all pretty and opened my door sayin'
"sorry I done made you wait."
I told her "fine as you look, and as long as you payin'
I'll try to forget you was late."

       With just one glance
       she was quakin' and thinkin'
       how smoothly my hand had been played
       Singin' -
       "Wait til my friends hear 'bout
       the cowboy I met and 'bout
       how I got Dated and Laid"

When we finally got to the place I jumped out,
and told her "darlin' you go park the car."
I strolled in and ordered a steak and some beers,
and sat down to wait at the bar.

I watched her go into the toilet for girls,
to put on her face for her man.
I thought "girl got a serious look like she's ready
to give up to me all she can."

She walked out all red like a bright neon sign,
and found her a table to stay.
I could tell she was strugglin' to hold herself in
'cuz she never stopped glarin' my way.

       Surely by now
       she was glowin' from knowin'
       how grateful she was that she stayed
       Laughin' -
       "Wait til my friends hear 'bout
       the cowboy I met and 'bout
       how I got Dated and Laid"

Musta been 'round 'bout and hour or so,
she jumped up and ran to my stool.
I thought it was 'cuz she was yearnin' for me,
but things was about to turn cruel.

She threatened to leave without drivin' me home,
but I'd already drunk a full load.
So I said "slow down there miss, gotta go throw a piss,
you just grab me a brew for the road."

When she got me back to my trailer I said
"Get out and let's fuck on the lawn."
She sassed "Darlin' that dog couldn't even stay up
if it had 3 more legs to stand on."

       She went runnin' her mouth
       and the whole town heard tell
       so I pulled off my hat and I prayed
       Hopin' -
       None of my friends hear 'bout
       this lady I met and 'bout
       how I couldn't get Dated and Laid.

 

- written and performed by Longer Johnny Cash

- - - - - - -

On to the Dated and Laid challenge:

Now it is up to the rest of my fellow weirdos here to make up the worst song or poem you can, any topic or genre, and post it.

And have fun!

(If you want and are able to you can listen and follow along as I read it in a fake shitty country song accent! It's reeeeally bad so feel free to laugh!)

shysweetness​(sub female) - Lol very nice song, thanks for sharing! Wish I could have heard the audio version 😉
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) -
Aww I'm sorry you couldn't hear it. Probably for the best since I can't do a very convincing southern accent.
Thanks for the compliment!
2 years ago
ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) - 🤣😆🤣❤️🖤❤️ Love it so much! Fun listening to you read it too!
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) - hahaha enjoy it because IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!
😂😆🤭😆😂
2 years ago
ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) - I’ll take the blame 🤷♀️ 😆 Hope you get some challenge takers!
2 years ago
SweetSirRendering​(sub female) - i cannot find words on account of the laughing

2 years ago
ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) - That was me when I read it last night. I was dying. 😆
2 years ago
SweetSirRendering​(sub female) - B&C, you’ll die if you ever find yourself having a chat on the phone with this guy and suddenly without warning he exclaims, “FUCK.MY.ASS!”

this is NOT a request.

it replaces such outbursts as, “GOD DAMN IT!” or “MOTHERFUCKER!”

be aware. 🤣🤣🤣 you may snort.
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) - HAHAHAHA!
That is an experience that everyone should have at least once in their lives. After all,,I am pretty good at making people snort. Laugh, I meant. Or whatever.
It's funny how that is always your favorite part of the conversation...
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
2 years ago
ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) - Thanks for the warning! 🤣😆🤣 I think I’ll have to refrain from eating and drinking if I ever talk to LJ. 🤣
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) - Bring your own popcorn and cotton candy and shit because it's like a fucking carnival on the phone with me. And buy your tickets early. Seating is limited.
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) - https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=64412&postid=60069#anc
Another positive review
2 years ago
SweetSirRendering​(sub female) - omg! i had not seen this post. your description of this is exactly what i said 🤣🤣🤣
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) -
I knew you would like it!
Does it sound anything like me? Like, if you heard it but didn't know it was me would you recognize me?
(Me me me)
2 years ago
SweetSirRendering​(sub female) - i would not! i heard bits of you at the tail end of some words but would have been fooled if it was posted under a pseudonym
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) - ha ha fooled you!
2 years ago
Jack in the box -
Nice!! 😂
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) -
Thanks! Sometimes the muse takes you...
...and it is hilarious!
2 years ago
TheLittlePrincess​(sub female){SSG} - Couldn't listen to the audio but I swear as soon as I started reading it, I started hearing some stereotypical country music to go along with it! lol
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) -
hahaha I hear the music in my head too. ugh.
I hope you liked it.
2 years ago
MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} - OMG I think I dated that guy ONCE! LOL
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) -
hahahahaha Lucky guy! I bet you made a lasting impression.
- IN HIS PANTS!
😝
I was hoping you would listen since you have heard me before and know I don't actually sound like that.
And coffee/keyboard issues with this one?
2 years ago
MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} - it was safe today as my cup was empty! Damn it, I need a new coffee slave STAT (mines got Kitchen as a hard limit)
whispers..you did still kinda sound sexy as
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) -
OOH a coffee slave! I want one of those.
I was hoping for one of your "damn dude coffee keyboard danger warning!" pleas.

nooooo I was going for down home country boy.
But wowee thanks for saying so.
😊
2 years ago
MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} - Credit where it is due.....and you still sounded sexy (don't make me regret my honesty LOL)
if you find an extra coffee slave could you post me one, just don't forget the air holes..I'm told they "need" them *rolls eyes*
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) -
I knew I liked you from the start!
All of the slaves I know are all tied up at the moment but if I find an extra one who shows a propensity for coffee bearing, I'll text it to you.
Nah, air holes are for amateurs. Wannabes. Pretenders. No self-respecting coffee slave needs air holes. No worries.
2 years ago
Morley​(sub female){Max Sterne} - OMFG....makes me think of Morley's Special Hair! You're so talented. 😜 You must send me the audio
2 years ago
SweetSirRendering​(sub female) - omg you’re going to lose it when you hear it🤣🤣🤣
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) - I'll have to make a new recording because I don;t know how to pull it from here. But I'll email it to you.
2 years ago
LongerJohnny​(dom male) - I'm sure I have the recording you made of Morley's Special Hair somewhere around here. I should post it. But you are laughing the whole time so it's kinda hard to understand hahahaha That was so much fun.
2 years ago

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