Like the name of my blog/journey. The words the ramblings of a broken mind have been with me for years. Always being told that I need help, I need to be fixed, there is something wrong with me. Why? What is wrong with me? Who gets to choose who i should be and what the norm is? I don't think like the masses? Who says what the masses think? Maybe I just say what they think outloud?
If I had some sort of self-destructive mental illness maybe then the people that told/tell me that would be right, but I don't. (please don't judge me when I say that, I have a high functioning autistic and schizotypal son, a bipolar I ex husband, and a child that suffers from severe anxiety that has come out as a F2M transgender boy. Got his name legally changed last week. Me? I have narcolepsy. Neuro-typical or typical is not a part of my life. I have nothing but respect for all people. Well maybe not ass-hats) Different is my normal and I do not strive for normal or to be like everyone else. I want to be me. March to the beat of my own drummer. I only get to live this life one time so why not do it my way? Finally after so many years I want to be free.
Who am I?
Mother, daughter, career woman, friend, hunter, prey, submissive....
Maybe....all of them.
For the first time in all of my years of life I am taking a step forward for me. Hopefully acknowledging, writing, sharing my life, experiences, my journey, I will be able to see not only the path that I have walked but the path I need to go. I would not change any of the horror that I have lived sexual abuse, physical abuse, mental/emotional abuse and abandonment. Those terrible experiences have made me the strong, independant, fierce, and intelligent woman I have become. I like who I am and am excited to see who I become.
A number of months ago I told my now ex husband that after 15 years I couldn't do it anymore. I am tired of not being good enough. And all I could think about was a quote I heard in a movie "Beginnings are usually scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up, and it will."
I am at the beginning; hopeful, cautious, willing, curious, strong, and most importantly free to be me.
